To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

[Summerplans7]

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

@beachcitygirl "How patronising to put it down to "fun & adventure"

It's not patronising at all - it's how it's constantly framed. Staying at home is "boring" and people want an "adventure" in a new land and to "escape and have some fun". So many comments of "why wouldn't you want to do it?" - my comment explains why, from MY perspective, it's not appealing.

You've taken literally one sentence and jumped on it. I've already acknowledged that turning down the chance to travel isn't an option that will suit everyone, and if you don't see your folks regularly, going overseas might not be a big deal.

I also explained that there are personal circumstances very specific to me that make me feel the way I do. I would give anything for more time with my dad again and losing him really brought it home to me that I don't want to be on the other side of the world to people that matter to me. I'm not going to be accused of being sanctimonious because for me, staying close to family is important. I don't care if you think I'm boring or unadventurous. I'm fine with that.

It's equally fine to want fun and adventure for your family and the chance to explore somewhere new. There's no need to be prickly about it. In the right place, going overseas can offer a wonderful opportunity, it's just not for me.

We all make our own decisions based on our relationships, our personality and our life experiences. There's no single right or wrong answer.

Also agree with the posters saying that the whole idea of 'putting the children first' is just an excuse to do as they want.

Children can have a fantastic life anywhere but what is most important for children is love, stability and family relationships - I would argue you are not putting your children first at all by taking them away from their grandparents. You are putting yourself first.

I was an expat so I am in no way against moving abroad and I would do it myself again, but not when my parents are elderly and need me.

I find it sad the amount of posters that urge OP to put themselves first - you only get one life etc. I think in a lot of other cultures, you would not get those kind of posts at all.

This. I suppose it’s a good thing that so many people are oblivious to the reality of caring for someone with dementia. If I’m feeling charitable, I hope they never find out

Yes, I wonder how people expect the person with dementia to be cared for. I guess the only option would be putting him into a home for the duration of the trip, which would likely be confusing and extremely distressing for him. It's potentially do-able but really not easy to do practically or emotionally.

You have to put yourself and your family first. It would be completely unfair for your ILs to think anything different. It sounds like an amazing opportunity so I would say go for it.

Also agree with the posters saying that the whole idea of 'putting the children first' is just an excuse to do as they want

what is wrong with doing what you want and what you feel is best for your immediate family unit?

@candyflossss

Also agree with the posters saying that the whole idea of 'putting the children first' is just an excuse to do as they want

what is wrong with doing what you want and what you feel is best for your immediate family unit?

Nothing, it's the not owning it and trying to frame it as being for the kids, all about better opportunities for them. That's quite manipulative because it's hard to argue against (in a society which deifies children and their needs)

@Blossomtoes

Before my mother died, I wouldn’t have been able to leave her

There you go, OP. You said it.

Exactly

@Lydia777 You're right, in a lot of cultures you absolutely wouldn't get this type of advice - in fact, you can read it on MN time and again where a woman (and 99% of the time it IS the woman) has to take care of parents or inlaws at HUGE personal cost, essentially sacrificing her own life, preferences, time, career etc in order to do what is expected and right and her duty.

Life takes us on different paths. You might live at the other end of the UK to your parents, not abroad, and you still wouldn't be able to help in any effective way when they got old and ill and frail. Should we never move away at all? Is it only ok to move when your parents are fit and healthy? That's surely just postponing the inevitable problems.

Relationships are complex matters too - some people are very close to their parents and would absolutely want to live near them, see them regularly and help with care when they needed it. But that is not for everyone by any means, and it's neither way is wrong.

Ultimately you absolutely should make the decision which is best for you and your family ie your OH and DC.

I suppose it’s a good thing that so many people are oblivious to the reality of caring for someone with dementia

For the purposes of education:

There will come a time when your MIL will be unable to leave the house, because your FIL’s behaviour and agitation in public make it impossible and she can’t leave him safely. At that point her community connections will mostly fade away apart from the occasional pity visit from exceptionally kind people.

She will spend her days mopping up wee, attempting to stop him from harming himself (and her), calming his anxieties and bearing his temper.

She won’t get much sleep because he must be watched at night as well as in the day.

She will attempt to hide the worst of his behaviour and her own misery and desperation, because he is her husband and she wants to protect him.

One day, there will be the most serious of many crises, and he will go into a care home. She will endure emotionally distressing visits every day and then go home to an empty house.

After a year or so of this, he’ll die.

@WinterIsGone

OP says they are wealthy and he is soon to go into a care home. You would have to be very heartless indeed to move away, leaving your own DH in a care home. My dad had dementia. My mum (who was very heartless) would still visit him every day, and always there was some problem to resolve, things going missing, care being forgotten etc etc.

Maybe pop along to the elderly parents section, and you will see the reality of being a carer.

Obviously MIL can’t move while he’s still alive :massiveeyeroll:

But, as I said, as he’s got to the stage that he’s not really present as OP describes then he won’t be around for that much longer.

I know this as my father has dementia as well as blood cancer and my aunt just died of dementia. So pop off with your patronising twaddle.

HeddaGarbled This is so so true only you forgot the faeces

@Lydia777

Also agree with the posters saying that the whole idea of 'putting the children first' is just an excuse to do as they want.

Children can have a fantastic life anywhere but what is most important for children is love, stability and family relationships - I would argue you are not putting your children first at all by taking them away from their grandparents. You are putting yourself first.

I was an expat so I am in no way against moving abroad and I would do it myself again, but not when my parents are elderly and need me.

I find it sad the amount of posters that urge OP to put themselves first - you only get one life etc. I think in a lot of other cultures, you would not get those kind of posts at all.

In a lot of cultures, yoou have. no choice but to look after parents or PIL even when they are the most awful people.

It’s not done out of pure generosity but because it’s the accepted norm.

With its upsides and downsides.

Some people cannot imagine being there for their parents. Others just don’t have that type of relationship, even when they live in the U.K.

My parents were still overseas when their parents needed support. Neither had that type of relationship with their parents (thats why they immigrated!). They still were the ones who were the most involved of all the siblings (who were in the same country).

Staying iin the country doesnt always equal being present and helpful.
Being abroad doesn’t mean never being involved either.

But, as I said, as he’s got to the stage that he’s not really present as OP describes then he won’t be around for that much longer.

My gran took 3 years to die once in this state. It may be some time yet.

@Minezatea

But, as I said, as he’s got to the stage that he’s not really present as OP describes then he won’t be around for that much longer.

My gran took 3 years to die once in this state. It may be some time yet.

3 years isn’t that long and he may not last that. We’re not looking at 10+ years is the point.

3 years isn’t that long It's a lifetime when you're caring for someone.

I'm very sorry you are caring for your father who has dementia though. It is so exhausting and depressing.

I wouldn’t hesitate to out my children’s happiness over my parents. Go for it. It’s not forever.

My dm was in that state for five years. If she hadn’t caught an infection, she could well still be with us. Hedda oh my goodness, that is it in a nutshell.

@Umbra

Go and enjoy it. Live your life.

I can't bear the older generation holding back the younger.

This.

I wouldn’t hesitate to out my children’s happiness over my parents

Nobody has suggested the children are unhappy here!

I can't bear the older generation holding back the younger.

Those selfish old people with their dementia eh?

@Thehop

I wouldn’t hesitate to out my children’s happiness over my parents. Go for it. It’s not forever.

Yes the children are clearly miserable here in this hell hole with only financially secure and stable parents, a lovely grandparent and life in a developed country to cling on to. It is imperative that nothing stand in the way of their escape to....Canada

@MargaretFraggle

I can't bear the older generation holding back the younger.

Those selfish old people with their dementia eh?

I'm sorry but that made me laugh.

It is imperative that nothing stand in the way of their escape to....Canada

@mbosnz

Canada is a lot less big of a deal than Australia or New Zealand. That flight, to us, as Kiwis, felt a bit of a doddle, given our usual 40 hour stint!

40 hours????? I always do it in about 26 -28 hours.

It sounds like MIL wants things her way mostly. She has her own life with friends etc. like you said. She can come visit.

I would go for it, even if it's just for a few years.
I love Vancouver.