Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

[SeasideMove]

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

Thanks all, there have been some really helpful posts on this thread that have given me some good perspective.

I love the idea of the camper van @sashh I actually used to own one, and ds and I did lots of fun trips and weekends away when he was little, but they are a money pit so I had to get rid, sadly.

We had another chat last night, and he seemed much more sanguine about it all than he did the other day. It is a big upheaval for all of us, and I think the uncertainty of this last year has just exacerbated the feeling of 'wobbliness' about leaving what's familiar. But he's identified a couple of activities that he wants to get involved with in the area, his friends are already booked to come and stay for a weekend, and we talked about the possibility of us sorting him out with a car once he's passed his test and had some driving experience. Plus the area that we're moving to has lots of hospitality vacancies so I have no worries he'll find a job even if it's just bar-work for a few months.

I don't expect him to fall in love with the place but I hope he'll feel as if it's home, where his family is, and he'll be able to see the positives in time.

YANBU. I can completely see why your DS would feel hurt and worried, so I’d suggest making a fuss of him, asking how his room should be decorated; make it clear you’ll pay his train fare and make it clear you’re not doing it because he’s off to uni and that he’ll always have a home with you.

But. You need to get on the property ladder, you were forced out of your old home anyway because it was being sold, and you’ll all have a better quality of life with more space and a garden.

Suggest he looks for work in his year out or joins as many clubs etc in the new area that he can to meet people. See it as an opportunity. You’re doing the right thing.

Glad to hear DS is feeling more confident. It’s true most people stay put for secondary school but you have done that. The fact that your hand was forced means you are not unreasonable. Has DS thought about to uni in September and make a new friendship group straightaway? He would obviously also make friends if he does get a job in new area.

@Zzelda have you read OP's posts? did you read mine? I wasn’t suggesting staying in a rental , I was saying the op can afford to stay by buying a 2 bed. There is no reason that 2 bed could be sold in a few years and the big move happen when her ds has moved out.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Zzelda* have you read OP's posts?* did you read mine? I wasn’t suggesting staying in a rental , I was saying the op can afford to stay by buying a 2 bed. There is no reason that 2 bed could be sold in a few years and the big move happen when her ds has moved out.[/quote]
Yes, but for the sake of a few extra months closed to a group of friends who will all naturally be scattering anyway, that would be a ridiculous amount of upheaval and potentially sacrifice if it makes OPs chances of a decent mortgage down the line worse. The fact that she COULD do this does not make it in any way a good idea or a worthwhile guilt trip.

There is nothing wrong with what the op is doing
And no she shouldn’t feel guilty at all

Would I do it? No. Simply because I would not want to move away and then children rarely come back from uni and don’t enjoy the kooonnng holidays because no friends around.
Plus, I wouldn’t move from current area where I have friends myself, just for extra space.

But that’s me. And that’s the OP. Nothing right or wrong with either surely

I even plan to move by the sea when I retire
Mainly so my home becomes a holiday place for my children and their families!

That really is a bit ott

Yanbu..most 18 year olds head off to uni without their school friends and manage just fine.

Encourage him to get stuck into making a solid plan for the gap year - does he have a university place ready that he will defer?

Dont let him just drift about for a year, encourage him to do a useful training course, get a job and earn some money, use it to travel etc. A friend worked for half their gap year then did an immersive language course in Italy for the second part which I thought was a great idea.

Bar work is ideal for him to meet new people quickly.

I can see both sides and why you feel bad, you put yourself first but at a cost to him and you know it. Ideally waiting a year till he went to uni would have been better. 90 mins away is a fair distance. It’s a three hour round trip just to see his mates.who he wasn’t planning on leaving for another year.

Hopefully he gets a job and doesn’t find himself sitting at home snd missing much of his friendship group and it works out.

At 18 he is an adult. If he's taking a year out I suspect he'll want to find a job where he'll meet new friends and have money to visit old friends. Its only a year before he goes to uni anyway and you have to look to your future now he is grown up

You can’t live around your children forever, there has to be a time you make a decision for you as adults.
He can move back and rent a place there, get a job etc?! If he is that upset about it.
Like others have said he will likely move away after uni anyway. Don’t feel bad!

Honestly never get this whole “he’s eighteen he’s an adult” thing. It often reads like some posters genuinely believe once your kid hits 18 you owe them fuck all and they can jog on

We were in the same position just before lockdown and if I put myself genuinely in my 18 yo DS position my world was my friends back then. So we still moved as planned but we got him a short term let in a shared house. Was about £50 a week which we paid for first three months. If he liked it after that he would start to pay out of wages, if he wasn’t over the moon with self cleaning/bed changing/laundry responsibilities then he could still have planned room at the new house.

He loved it and stayed the full year and now going to uni. I don’t think he probably did clean as often as I would’ve but a little independence just before uni I think did him good.

We didn’t see him as often as intended due to lockdown but this year have gone down every two weeks to meet up for lunch, mooch round town (abs secretly so I can check his fridge has fruit and veg etc..).

Might not be ideal but kept us sane and everyone as happy as could be.

@Bluntness100

Honestly never get this whole “he’s eighteen he’s an adult” thing. It often reads like some posters genuinely believe once your kid hits 18 you owe them fuck all and they can jog on

It's not as severe as that. To me when I say "he's eighteen he's an adult" I mean he needs to start understanding things from an adult perspective and showing the appropriate level of maturity. Not that he should be kicked out.

He's old enough to understand the position OP is in regarding her tenancy and finances and he needs to start acting like it.

@Bluntness100

Honestly never get this whole “he’s eighteen he’s an adult” thing. It often reads like some posters genuinely believe once your kid hits 18 you owe them fuck all and they can jog on

And the number that say “it didn’t do me any harm - and I was living on my own at 16 with three children and a full time job” or along those lines

Whereas I was still ridiculously indulged and spoilt as an 18 year old

And now I’m a professional, very financially able, entirely independent single mother!

Honestly never get this whole “he’s eighteen he’s an adult” thing. It often reads like some posters genuinely believe once your kid hits 18 you owe them fuck all and they can jog on

Neither do l. 18 is young. I always think people who disregard this don’t have 18 year old children.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Honestly never get this whole “he’s eighteen he’s an adult” thing. It often reads like some posters genuinely believe once your kid hits 18 you owe them fuck all and they can jog on

Neither do l. 18 is young. I always think people who disregard this don’t have 18 year old children.

Or they do And don’t necessarily have the most positive relationship with their 18 year old

@Bluntness100

Honestly never get this whole “he’s eighteen he’s an adult” thing. It often reads like some posters genuinely believe once your kid hits 18 you owe them fuck all and they can jog on

I don't think anyone has suggested abandoning him on the side of the road, only that as he's set to go away to university in a year, the OP having stayed where she was for the duration of his education to A-levels should not have to lose an opportunity by giving the same weight to his circumstances as she would, say, a younger teenager, whose education as well as friendships would be disrupted by the move.

And yes, that he's old enough to understand something of his parents' circumstances from something other than the 'You're ruining my life!' perspective.

*And the number that say “it didn’t do me any harm - and I was living on my own at 16 with three children and a full time job” or along those lines

Whereas I was still ridiculously indulged and spoilt as an 18 year old*

Well logically this is probably a big part of why people disagree so much on what 18 year old's are capable of, isn't it. It does make me raise my eyebrows when people talk about how selfish and emotionally immature late teens are as if it's an inevitable fact, because I know I was not like that at all so it is not a foregone conclusion and it isn't always that way.

This was the same situation as my sister and parents , she did move with them but didn’t settle and moved back , but my parents flourished in their new home and different place. When he goes to uni he will possibly move himself into halls or private accommodation too

You cannot put your life on hold for the social life of an 18yr old, This is for a year - he can visit friends, they can visit him.

So the alternative is that you move and continue to rent in your current area and meanwhile have to look again to buy to coincide with when he goes to uni - by which time house prices could have gone up and you have 2 house moves in 1 year.... not something I would be consider to cater for the social life of an 18yr old.

I wish you luck with the move. He will get over it and in a years time will not be looking back.

Everyone's life is going to be a little different, so he will have to go with the flow, and not complain now..

YANBU you made a decision based upon your families need as a whole. Your DS is an adult. If he doesn’t drive he needs to learn. Also, it was him who decided to take a year out rather than going to university this year. He would have been mostly moved out of the house by September but decided otherwise. That was his choice just like it is your choice to move. He could always rent a room in a shared house and work f/t instead!

I understand wh you feel guilty.
I was forced to do something similar following downsizing due to divorce and being ordered to sell the family home.
I could not afford a house in the same area and moved less than 30 minutes away. Mine were actually both at uni but loved our house and of course all their friends were close by.
I felt tremendous guilt even then and neither could drive either. Both have since properly moved away with work, but how I wish I could have hung on until they were through uni.
My youngest has kept up his relationship with school friends, the eldest has let them slip.
Both sides of the friendship need to make the effort basically.
I can see you have made the right decision, but suffer guilt as I did and still do.