Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

[SeasideMove]

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I made every effort not to move my children, and would do so again.

It depends on how you look at things, I prioritised their stability above everything else. And it’s not just me. Dd (14) has some friends she met a pre school, and is still close to.

Ds 27 kept the same friends through y10 11, 6th form and university.

Neither of them have any friends that have moved away. My ds age 18 would have refused to come with me if l moved at that age.

What's he planning on doing when he goes to university, then? He will have to maintain his friendships from a distance then, it's just happening a year earlier at the conventional age due to his family circumstances.

I don't think your other comment about not him not coming back when he's at uni because he doesn't have friends there holds much weight either. I didn't have any friends in my home town when I went back to my hometown either, I went to see my parents. Whatever happened to the old bag of laundry and home cooked meals stereotype?

@MyDcAreMarvel

We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location.

and we can't afford to stay around here. which post is the truth op? I suspect the first one.

I suspect the first too given the comment that the OP wants her own quality of life and the space to have friends stay.

@MyDcAreMarvel

We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location.

and we can't afford to stay around here. which post is the truth op? I suspect the first one.

This is presented like a "eureka" trump card, as if if the truth is OP could afford to buy an unsuitably small house/flat in order just to keep him closer to his school friends that will all soon be naturally scattered for an extra year, then she should do so. The truth is that that would be an obviously foolish thing to do.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I made every effort not to move my children, and would do so again.

It depends on how you look at things, I prioritised their stability above everything else. And it’s not just me. Dd (14) has some friends she met a pre school, and is still close to.

Ds 27 kept the same friends through y10 11, 6th form and university.

Neither of them have any friends that have moved away. My ds age 18 would have refused to come with me if l moved at that age.

Well, maybe you live in a place with an unusually static population? DS is 9 and has lived in three places in two countries, and is still in touch with friends and former schoolmates who’ve moved on from where he originally met them. We’re planning to stay here for the foreseeable future, but I know one of his best friends is moving away in the next year or so, and another is going to board, and in fact he only got a mid year place at his school because someone moved to Finland.

@aSofaNearYou as if if the truth is OP could afford to buy an unsuitably small house/flat

did I miss the drop feed where the op also has two year old triplets? In what way is a two bed terrace unsuitably small for a couple and their one adult child.
@SeasideMove just be honest, you can afford to stay you just chose not to, at least own your decision.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@aSofaNearYou* as if if the truth is OP could afford to buy an unsuitably small house/flat*

did I miss the drop feed where the op also has two year old triplets? In what way is a two bed terrace unsuitably small for a couple and their one adult child.
@SeasideMove just be honest, you can afford to stay you just chose not to, at least own your decision.[/quote]
A bedroom each isn't the only reason people need or want larger houses. As OP mentioned there's also guest rooms, but there's also offices, dining rooms, enough storage for the amount of things a couple in their fifties will have accumulated. I would think it pretty silly to move to a cramped terraced house or flat just to keep your 18 year old close to his friends for one year, triplets or no triplets.

YANBU in doing this. If you are buying your house instead of renting, that will be best for him financially long term as well as for you.

Oh well done @MyDcAreMarvel, you got me

I thought the prevailing wisdom on MN was that if you couldn't afford to buy what you wanted / needed in your current location, you moved to where you could get it?

Plus I thought that, also according to MN, bringing children up in a flat is basically child abuse?

No, I don't have triplets ffs but I do work from home. And yeah, we'd all (including ds!) like a bit of space and a garden. So shoot me.

And yeah, we'd all (including ds!) like a bit of space and a garden. nothing wrong with wanting those things just say that then. We can afford to buy a suitable house where we live but would prefer guest rooms, a garden lots of space etc AIBU.
Because that changes your AiBU to something completely different.

Neither of them have any friends that have moved away.

None at all? I do find that unusual - where do you live that no one ever leaves?

No, we cannot afford to buy a house that is 'suitable' in this area. I do not consider a tiny terrace in a crappy, stabby area with no outside space and no room for me to work 'suitable'.

And nor would ds.

This doesn't change my AIBU at all - I was quite clear in my opening posts that this was a move I was excited about because we could afford to buy a bigger house in a nicer area by moving a distance away.

But I forgot this is MN, where you either kick your children out on the day they turn 18, or you never give a moment's consideration to your own needs until the day they bury you.

@SeasideMove

No, we cannot afford to buy a house that is 'suitable' in this area. I do not consider a tiny terrace in a crappy, stabby area with no outside space and no room for me to work 'suitable'.

And nor would ds.

This doesn't change my AIBU at all - I was quite clear in my opening posts that this was a move I was excited about because we could afford to buy a bigger house in a nicer area by moving a distance away.

But I forgot this is MN, where you either kick your children out on the day they turn 18, or you never give a moment's consideration to your own needs until the day they bury you.

Then what was the point in asking if you knew you were right and not being unreasonable?

No none of them.

It’s very difficult to buy a house in the area. And once people are in, then they stay for good. People rarely leave the area. I think 2 of ds’s friends moved when he was in infant school, and that’s about it.

Did you consider waiting til he left home? I think it’s pretty harsh to be honest.

Your new home sounds lovely . Enjoy the move , enjoy the settling in and do it all with a clear conscience and a happy heart .
(Your son will be fine .)

Very difficult to get work atm

No, it isn't. The hospitality industry, as just one example, is desperate for staff.

@Jangle33

Did you consider waiting til he left home? I think it’s pretty harsh to be honest.

Try reading OP's posts, MN makes it very easy. You might then note that OP has explained more than once that she has no choice but to move as her current rented property won't be available from next month.

SeasideMove just be honest, you can afford to stay you just chose not to, at least own your decision

@MyDcAreMarvel, have you read OP's posts? If she doesn't buy now the reality is that she's not going to be able to in the future because she won't be able to get a mortgage. Why would she opt for spending the rest of her life in a small rental just so as to keep her son where he wants to be for a few more months? Given that he wants to travel, that's all we're talking about.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I made every effort not to move my children, and would do so again.

It depends on how you look at things, I prioritised their stability above everything else. And it’s not just me. Dd (14) has some friends she met a pre school, and is still close to.

Ds 27 kept the same friends through y10 11, 6th form and university.

Neither of them have any friends that have moved away. My ds age 18 would have refused to come with me if l moved at that age.

None of your older DS's friends went away to university? Unless s/he had very few friends, I struggle to believe that, or that they all went to the same university.

It'll be fine. I grew up in pubs and we often got 2 weeks notice of a move, never saw the accommodation or school before
Moved age 1,3,4,5,10, 13 (2 nurseries, 3 primary schools, 3 secondary schools, 2 colleges and 1 uni..) and then my parents vanished off 3hrs away when I was 18 and left me at uni and holidays with my Nan

The only thing it's left me with is a total hatred of moving and I've lived in the same place since I was 19

As others have said he does have options, if he can find a job where you are moving from.

I like the idea of the intensive driving course, I did one for my motorbike licence.

Here's a really 'out there' suggestion but as there is a 'spare' room would you consider having one of his friends move with you? Maybe for a defined time, 3 months or 6 months so your ds has a friend with him to explore his new "really arty / music-led vibe" town.

I've grown to love exploring new places but at 18 it would have been easier with a friend.

Or have his friends on a rota type thing, one weekend he has a friend come to stay, the next he stays with friend in the old town that way when he goes back there are some shared experiences to talk about.

A final thought, rather than access to a car could you fund a second hand camper van? So he can go over to see friends but has somewhere to crash if he wants to stay over.

I know that sounds crazy but a former colleague whose son has autism bought a van so when they visited a place as a family he (son) had his own safe space

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

No none of them.

It’s very difficult to buy a house in the area. And once people are in, then they stay for good. People rarely leave the area. I think 2 of ds’s friends moved when he was in infant school, and that’s about it.

And no one ever moves on for work, and your 27 year old’s friends moved away for university? Or weren’t able to afford to live or buy their own place in this fantastically desirable area, so moved somewhere else?

I think the tricky thing is we all know that over the next year these friends are likely to start drifting, once at uni he will make new friends, people will start moving on anyway etc but as an 18 year old he doesn't have this perspective. It's not the end of the world in the long term but when you're 18 it genuinely feels like the end of the world.

I was older but I have been through a phase in my life where all my friends were distance friends (90 mins was the minimum) and it was hard. It was either an infrequent months in advance planned meetup or a virtual friendship. I remember desperately missing those impromptu raid the supermarket and have a little BBQ because the weather was unexpectedly good or that last minute let's meet at X text's. You can keep up friendships over distance but the dynamics are very different and I can imagine it's harder when you're younger.

That said it is what it is. The move sounds like a sensible one and your hand was pushed anyway. I think all you can do is be appropriately sympathic to your DS and play the long game. This isn't going to ruin the rest of his life.

I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable, but having moved in Covid times to a new area and found it really hard to make friends I can understand his reticence.

Positive maybe that he may be more willing to work more hours at a local job if his friends aren’t about. I made loads of temporary friends through summer work, a few I kept hold of.

Good luck with the move! Don’t change course this is a big positive for you and he will just need some extra nursing through the transition.

Nope, no one’s moved. Ds moved to London for 2 years but got sick of the cost and came back. So he moved, but none of his friends have.

Why a ‘fantastical place?’ It just has a stable population. I taught in the nearby massive comp in catchment. Very little movement there either. Maybe 4 or 5 children left/ moved in per year.