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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:
Madcats · 28/06/2021 13:58

What are his friends planning to do in October? Are they all on gap years too?

It will be lonely for a few weeks, but surely he can keep in touch via Zoom etc.

Covid aside I think a lot of 18 year olds begin to lose touch with their schoolfriends once they go to university.

Had your son no plans for the next 12 months? Could he do volunteer roles/farm work/hospitality? Places seem to be crying out for staff down in the southwest.

I am sure he will be cross for a while but he can practice his "making new friends" skills now so that he is a pro by the time he goes to university next year.

ChequerBoard · 28/06/2021 14:00

@LindaEllen

This might sound harsh, but he's 18, he's an adult, if he doesn't want to move with you he can stay where he is, get a job and rent somewhere closer to his friends.

He doesn't get to dictate where he lives for free.

This is just horrible. Do you actually have a teenager and would you really behave this way towards them? If so, I feel really sorry for them.

I have a DD18 and there no way I would be saying anything like this. She is also off to Uni in Sept and whilst she is excited about it, she is also apprehensive. It's a time to support and nurture your teen DC, not kick them out of the house FFS!

OP I feel for you as it's a rock and a hard place for you. As others have said, provide assurance about helping with travel and enable him to start driving ASAP. Let him have a moan about it, it's not ideal for him, but not much else you can do in this case. Thanks

randomlyLostInWales · 28/06/2021 14:04

If the moves goes well - could be really postive for building his condifence for university and the changes that will bring next year.

Though I suspect you'll be post move and him settled before that happens for him.

coronabeer · 28/06/2021 14:16

I think 90 minutes away from his mates is quite a long way and probably far enough to prevent many spontaneous meet-ups. On top of that, I imagine it may not be all that easy to make new friends as an 18-year-old in a new town where he isn't going to school or college. Maybe a part-time job would help with that?

I understand your reasoning for your decision, but I still think it will be hard for your ds so I can see why he's unhappy, too. I don't think an extra bedroom is much compensation for him, tbh.

Birkie248 · 28/06/2021 14:19

This has probably happened a year too early for him, but it seems like your hand has been forced with your circumstances.
It will be a huge deal for him, and I understand why he is low. I think the only thing you can do is be very supportive in funding his trios back and welcoming his friends to stay over with you when you do move do he doesn’t lose touch immediately.

Exhausted4ever · 28/06/2021 14:23

He's 18, not 8. A huge amount of 18 year olds (like his gf) move at that age. Yanbu. He will cope it's just fear of the unknown

LowlandLucky · 28/06/2021 14:41

He is an adult, if he doesn't want to move with you he needs to get his backside into gear and rent a place of his own. He is not a child

Laureline · 28/06/2021 14:47

He’s 18, not 8. While still young, he can start understanding the world does not revolve around him and his social life.
I think part of the problem is he chose yo push back his entrance to university. He needs a real plan for his gap year, and “hanging around with my mates” isn’t a plan.

When I turned 18, my parents moved abroad while I entered university in another country. It was fine, it made me grow up and mature.

goldfinchfan · 28/06/2021 17:06

Age 18is old enough for you OP to put your move as priority.

What kind of people need their parents toalways put them first? only ones that cannot be indepenant and at 18 it is time to begin the jourmey into adulthood.
Also it is a Life Lesson. We don't have control over events...We are having to deal with COvid......we didn't expect that and we have to deal with it.
Life cannot be controlled what counts is how you deal with what life throws at you.
And it might turn out to be the best thing ever.
FOr you and your family to have a home you own with plenty of space that is brilliant. Do not allow DS to spoil this. Remember he is a teen and they do tend to react this way because they do not like changes their parents make.

goldfinchfan · 28/06/2021 17:07

apologies for lousy spelling and tying....long covid has a lot to answer for!

Dobbyisahouseelf · 28/06/2021 17:25

Tricky all round OP and I do feel for your DS as the year 13's have had a difficult year.

All you can do is sympathise. Point out that friends can stay over regularly at your new house and perhaps pay for travel and/or driving lessons to help him visit his friends. I'm sure someone will let him crash at theirs on a regular basis.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/06/2021 17:28

Nope l wouldn’t do it. 90 minutes is a long way. I can get to 2 major cities in less than that time.

He’s just turned 18. He’ll be landed in a town where he knifes no one, and doesn’t really have much chance of meeting new friends as he isn’t going to school.

This will be especially hard if he’s k own his friends for a long time. He’s still very young.

You’ve got your dh when you move for company. Who has your ds got?

blahblahblah321 · 28/06/2021 17:35

Do you have to move so far? Not an option to meet midway?

My DS is a similar age and he'd be gutted to be that far away from his friends

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/06/2021 17:57

@PegasusReturns

The issue is you’ve moved for your quality of life not his. His is undoubtedly going to be harder until he goes away.

Personally I wouldn’t have moved an 18 year old away from friends after the 18mths we’ve just had.

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult now and can stand on his own two feet but 18 is still very young to be self sufficient and I honestly think covid and the lack of opportunities and experiences has stunted teens development.

Me neither. I can see why he’s upset and couldn’t have made the same decision myself as young adults still need support whilst they find their way in life.
aSofaNearYou · 28/06/2021 18:24

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Nope l wouldn’t do it. 90 minutes is a long way. I can get to 2 major cities in less than that time.

He’s just turned 18. He’ll be landed in a town where he knifes no one, and doesn’t really have much chance of meeting new friends as he isn’t going to school.

This will be especially hard if he’s k own his friends for a long time. He’s still very young.

You’ve got your dh when you move for company. Who has your ds got?

But loads of children significantly younger have to move when their parents move, it's not an unimaginable or unacceptable hardship for a child, it's a common part of life. The difference is he happens to be old enough to stay there if it really means that much to him, which is a bonus most children don't have!

I really don't understand the level to which some on here seem to think you should go to prevent a child from ever having to experience moving house.

RitaFires · 28/06/2021 18:33

I think the fact that he's taking a year out while his friends do apprenticeships and his girlfriend goes to uni will majorly change those relationships as it is. I don't see the point in trying to stay in the area when you have the opportunity to get a stable family home now. I would think there is a danger that he would feel left behind while everyone else moves on to other things without him if you stayed, at least with the move he can get out there and try new things in the new area.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/06/2021 18:54

I made every effort not to move my children, and would do so again.

It depends on how you look at things, I prioritised their stability above everything else. And it’s not just me. Dd (14) has some friends she met a pre school, and is still close to.

Ds 27 kept the same friends through y10 11, 6th form and university.

Neither of them have any friends that have moved away. My ds age 18 would have refused to come with me if l moved at that age.

ludothedog · 28/06/2021 18:59

I wouldn't of done tha to your ds tbh. Friends are so important at that age and he's 18 not mid twenties. Still a bit young for him to be leaving home.

Dishwashersaurous · 28/06/2021 19:00

but surely pretty much all his friends will be going away to uni in September. So they won't be around anyway

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/06/2021 19:02

We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location.

and we can't afford to stay around here. which post is the truth op? I suspect the first one.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/06/2021 19:02

Another point may be that, as he will have no friends in the place you are moving to, he may well limit any time he spends at your house.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/06/2021 19:03

I mean when he goes to uni, he probably won’t come home often if he has no friends there.

Bonnieonthelam · 28/06/2021 19:04

@gamerchick

He's 18, its all about the friends at that age. He's free to move out and do it alone if it's an issue.

You're not doing anything wrong, you can't put quality of life on hold for a teenagers social life.

Exactly this…. Great answer
VeganCheesePlease · 28/06/2021 19:08

Yanbu. He's 18 so he can at this age learn to drive, get a PT job etc. When you get to that age, your friends start to branch off to different unis, workplaces, courses etc anyway. I understand why he's upset but as long as he's organised he will still be able to see plenty of his friends.

GoWentGone · 28/06/2021 19:13

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I mean when he goes to uni, he probably won’t come home often if he has no friends there.
So the OP should stay where she is so that the presence of his old friends will tempt him back in the vac, otherwise he’ll hardly ever be seen again?
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