To hate it when people bang on about how they didnt need to 'try' to conceive

[SunflowerOwl]

Two pregnancy announcements from friends this weekend have included a comment along the lines of 'we were so shocked that it happened straight away!'.

I'm pregnant myself so it's not a jealousy thing but I just dont understand why that detail needs to be shared with others, especially as you've no idea how difficult others found it.

Am I just being a sour cow or is this becoming more of a thing?

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch

YABU. It works both ways, I have friends who TTC for ages and friends who conceived straight away. It's always a game of top trumps "I love my baby more as I tried for ages and truly want it" vs "I'm so fertile and we're so lucky at having sex correctly"

Both parties are equally as bad for it IMO

Ha this is so true! A friend of mine had been trying for her 2nd for quite a while. She was pretty obsessive by the end and went to some rather extreme measures (I won't go into detail) whereas I got pregnant four months into a new relationship. The whole way through our pregnancies she made digs about how her baby was "planned and wanted". I hated her in those moments. I very much wanted my DD FYI.

Oh I also want to add that a friend of mine has 6 children and has always gotten pregnant ridiculously easily. She's received so much judgement for her large family and her last pregnancy was accidental. She was so nervous about announcing it on fb because of potential shitty comments so she included in her announcement about what a shock it was, how she blamed the Christmas drinks and how it was definitely their last DC etc. I know how much anxiety this announcement caused her and she was certainly not trying to brag.

When I was first pregnant I was the first of my friends. I had near zero experience or knowledge of others experiences. I know I told a few people how it was unexpectedly quick, as I was genuinely surprised. I don’t think any of them were trying themselves at the time so it was hardly a brag!
I find it weird people see it as bragging. I at one point had more children than times I’d had unprotected sex, that was a head fuck in itself.

I said something like this. Genuinely not to brag. I was just surprised as I expected it to take much longer. I suppose some people could brag about it though I never thought of it that way.

Yabvu

Thank you. That's very rude and upsetting: you don't know me but judge because either I fell pregnant easily or someone in work made me feel awful for 6 months? You sound a peach.

My sister had awful fertility issues, lost 4 babies using IVF before she had her daughter, yet she would never have judged me or been shitty because I was pregnant. You're clearly very bitter.

Meant to quote!

Argh! Thanks to Thatsjustwhatithink

*Sparrowsong' is the rude one. Unnecessary.

While trying to conceive for years one if my best friends loved to tell me on a regular basis how quickly she fell pregnant. Once she even joked about offering her husband to me because he's so fertile! It makes her sound like a hideous person but actually I honestly don't think she understood the struggle. As awful as it sounds I knew she wasn't trying to hurt me. But I was fuming! I had another friend tell me (knowing id recently had a failed round of ivf) excitedly that they weren't even trying, it felt really smug at the time but I think she had some of her own issues going on so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I have heard these comments a lot during my time ttc 'you haven't had a baby yet? My dh only needs to look at me and I'm pregnant'!
I'm pregnant atm and after taking a break from ttc for a few years I fell pregnant straight away but I wouldn't dream of telling someone who was ttc or would never post it on SM. Sometimes it is a bit braggy and its meant to be, 'I'm super fertile'! Although I think if its just a shock it happened the first month and someone is sharing it with close friends who aren't struggling with infertility then I don't think its boastful.

I’ve heard people mention it but not “banging on about it”.
I said it once as I had been trying but then kind of started using condoms again (obviously not every time) as I had applied for and got a new job. So it wasn’t boasting, just expressing I felt surprise and it was taking me longer to “get my head around it.
Plus trying to figure out what to do about work!

*actually didn’t mention the condoms to anyone

@puffalicious you're acting like this woman in work was purposely trying to make you feel shit about being pregnant, the poor woman clearly couldn't cope and this was her way of dealing with it. You do sound quite insensitive if you are judging her for that!

It’s not necessarily a brag, just people stating how they felt about their experience. This was my experience - we were so shocked it happened so quickly (less shocked the second time ) , dp had arrived home from a work trip with a few bottles of duty free drinks and I had a pregnancy test to show him. I would have said about being shocked a few times, all of them in a work environment. I was stunned how insecure I felt about being pregnant at work and what people would think about my career commitment and it felt like a socially acceptable way of saying I didn’t intend to have to drop your project to go on mat leave, I wasn’t planning to abandon you. It felt far more acceptable to take that approach than highlight we had gone off contraception so yes this baby was completely planned, it just happened to take only a couple of weeks to conceive.

I would never go on and on about it to random people, that is insensitive. I didnt work directly with many women at all either.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I clicked YABU. I came off the pill and got pregnant immediately and to be honest it really fucked with my head, my life changed overnight with no chance to really think about it or get used to the idea. I cried every day in my first pregnancy, looking back I probably had some pre natal depression or something. And it made it harder that I couldnt really talk to anyone about it, other people I knew that were having babies had had years of IVF and I knew it wouldnt come across well if I said I found the speed at which things progressed from vaguely thinking about babies to having one very difficult mentally.

This was my experience also. After stopping taking the Pill I was waiting for my first post-pill period to arrive but it never did and I began to wonder if something was wrong, then I got a sickness bug (or so I thought). I went to the GP to discuss why my periods hadn't returned after the Pill. The GP ordered a pregnancy test and I never dreamed it would be positive. It was such a shock when the result came back a few days later. I was by then about 12 weeks pregnant. I didn't feel ready!

@daisypond that's what I think.

I also know in the past I've probably said insensitive things without realising and more I see others situations the more I learn about things I was oblivious too before. One of my kids took a few months of basic trying and it started to get to me. I can't understand the trauma that some women must go through trying for years and miscarriages etc. And it's all so covered up and secretive no one should go through that alone I can't imagine how hard that must be

I wasn't TTC - I was on the Mini Pill and fell pregnant. At the time I was devastated as the relationship didn't really have a future (and we split up when I was 8 wks pregnant - him never to be seen or heard from again...).

There was a woman at work I'd become really friendly with over the previous couple of years. She'd had several miscarriages and was in a big, horrible mess about not being able to sustain a pregnancy. It was fucking heartbreaking watching her go through so many losses. Anyway, I broke the news to her privately and as sensitively as I could before I told anyone else. That was the end of the friendship. She was an absolute bitch to me during the pregnancy - I was a single mum and carrying twins, and very, very sick but she was snide and horrible. Made digs about how at least she could keep a man/find a man who wanted her/at least she'd not bring a child into the world without a proper family. Her comments came from a place of intense hurt, so while they really hit home, I tried to not react. She's really not a terrible person. Anyway, that was 11 years ago and she gave up on trying for a baby because it was too painful to go through another miscarriage - she cut off our friendship too. I still feel very sad about that as we were good friends (I'd moved to the other side of the country on my own and she was the first person I'd clicked with).

I can honestly hand on heart say I never bragged. Quite the opposite, I felt very embarrassed and judged for being pregnant and single. Conception and babies are such an emotional subject. So easy to unintentionally upset people, even when you're trying your best not to.

I always said truthfully that mine were accidents and we hadn’t been trying to avoid the judgement of why I would choose to have a baby in the situation we were in. It wasn’t a bad situation just not ideal. I expect quite a few were upset by it. But other people say upsetting things, when I was pregnant with dd someone after finding out she wasn’t planned told me all abou their daughters pregnancy after a lot of trying and how special that baby was because they’d tried so long and really implying mine wasn’t special. I felt really hurt but in reality it was just one of those things people say, if I hadntbof been pregnant it wouldn’t have bothered me.

YABU. I was genuinely shocked when I got pregnant with DS by my ex. I think I might know when it was as he was in the forces and we only saw each other fortnightly anyway. We weren’t trying and then suddenly sore boobs and two blue lines 😬 Shocked was an understatement and I cried an awful lot, not necessarily tears of joy at first if I’m honest. I only got excited after about 6 weeks.

I was walking out of work Friday afternoon through large shared open plan offices and a group of women were chatting then one loudly said 'I came off the pill and got pregnant really quickly' ! I'm sure the rest of the office really wanted to know that !

I agree Op. I know someone who loves to remind people that she conceived straight away with her youngest. She’s a bragger in general about lots of things though. It comes across as showing off and insensitive to anyone with fertility issues.

It’s not done with any malice, it’s just a statement of fact. But, it would be sensitive to think a little more about it. Having had multiple losses, people complaining about pregnancy symptoms was always the one that got me, and I imagine that sort of comment could be really hard to read if you’re struggling to conceive. But I’m a grouch who generally dislikes social media.

[quote Saoirse82]@puffalicious you're acting like this woman in work was purposely trying to make you feel shit about being pregnant, the poor woman clearly couldn't cope and this was her way of dealing with it. You do sound quite insensitive if you are judging her for that![/quote]
Personally, I have every sympathy for people who have gone through IVF. I have friends who have gone through it. It took me the best part of a year to conceive in my late 30s, and I did wonder whether I had left it too late - I had got to the point where I was doing OPK sticks, charting temperature, etc. Had Covid not been in full swing, I would have gone to the doctor to check my fertility. I had started to read up on fertility treatment and read relevant forums, so I had started to get an idea about what people go through when dealing with infertility.

Having said that, I do think that some people do lose perspective when struggling to conceive. Fairly innocuous birth announcements can be seen as offensive. Leaving the room when a visibly pregnant woman walks into it is rude. It also isn't a healthy reaction. It doesn't facilitate working relationships - what if the two colleagues had had to work together on a project?

There seems to me to be more policing and the taking of offence around this subject more than any other. I struggled for a long time to pass my driving test. It was a very sore point with me for years. But people would still make announcements on FB saying 'ooh, I took three lessons and passed first time!' Others I know have struggled for years to find work. Nobody complains when someone else talks about having to choose between six different job offers, all with fantastic salaries.

Of course, the people being criticised for the way they announce pregnancies are very often women, and sometimes I just wonder if it's another stick with which to beat women.

I dont think you understand what " banging on " means.

I'm pregnant with our first conceived naturally after 2 years ttc and after failed IVF. I heard this comment many times and it just made me feel like a freak of nature for not getting pregnant straightaway. It was honestly just awful to hear. I will always be very open that it took us a long time to conceive as I don't want others to feel like they're the only ones who have struggled

Maybe the people who are telling you are competitive or braggers and that's why you feel like that.

I have a friend who struggled for a long time to conceive their DD. They then decided to start to try for a 2nd child (presuming it would take just as long or longer than their first) and it happened first cycle. She was genuinely shocked, it wasn't a brag.