To hate it when people bang on about how they didnt need to 'try' to conceive

[SunflowerOwl]

Two pregnancy announcements from friends this weekend have included a comment along the lines of 'we were so shocked that it happened straight away!'.

I'm pregnant myself so it's not a jealousy thing but I just dont understand why that detail needs to be shared with others, especially as you've no idea how difficult others found it.

Am I just being a sour cow or is this becoming more of a thing?

This happened to me and it was highly unlikely because of health issues. It was an enormous shock and it took a long time to come to terms with it. I totally understand how fortunate I was, and I'm very mindful of that, but it was a proper shock. I think I expressed that - basically because I was tentatively reaching out for support, knowing I probably wouldn't get much, frankly.

It is also probably a preemptive answer to one of the many who always feel entitled is ask nosy shit questions like, 'was it planned', 'had you been trying for long'. That great joy of pregnancy where you body and life choices are now up for great debate by all.

It’s not always that simple though. DH and I genuinely did conceive the first month, still miscarried. So it would never be something I’d boast about. It didn’t take us long to get pregnant again but those first few months were so fraught with anxiety until i knew there was actually a living baby in there that I wouldn’t ever be so cavalier as to say how easy it all was.

@Merryoldgoat a very wise post. I suppose life is swings and roundabouts and we have things others don't.

It certainly can be a brag. I’ve had ‘friends’ say similar to me and then in the next breath ask how I’m getting on with ttc or if we will ttc. Our fertility treatment has been on hold since COVID because of shortages of sperm which unfortunately some people know about because my boss decided to tell people under the guise of being supportive.

My mum said that about getting pregnant with us children (when we were randomly talking about kids). I wasn't meant as bragging, more of a shock that she was going to have to do the whole pregnancy, birth and early years bit. My older sister is 40 so this has been going on for a while. I don't think it's meant unkindly and I also think we can't police how other women describe their pregnancies because it's not like how we are experiencing it. Admittedly, this was 40 years ago so contraception was a bit different then.

So I think you're being a bit unreasonable

So if someone finds the shock of it upsetting can they not look for support in their friends? For example I was really upset that I hadn't taken any folic acid preemptively & worried about the impact of that.

@mullmara absolutely. Both were at 12 weeks, announcement style though and they weren't seeking support. Of course I'd be 100% there for a friend initially struggling to get her head round it! They weren't upset, I'm not that much of a cow although it probably comes across that way now!

I always got pregnant easily. Ended up having 5 miscarriages (also have 3 DC). After the first pregnancy / loss we always kept things quiet. Unless asked, I've never shared any personal details with anyone.

Most of my family and friends don't know about our recurrent miscarriage.

I was really shocked that I got pregnant with DS2 the single time we had sex without a condom - DS1 took two years and three miscarriages so I'd assumed and accepted that a second would be another long, potentially painful journey and that there was a good chance it would never happen.

Tbf by the time I told people, I waited till about 4.5 months I had come to terms with it but it was still a surprise if that makes sense & people asked why I hadn't said sooner. I just don't think you can assume it's bragging unless it's literally "I have the best eggs in the world" or some other BS.

First time - took over a year
Second - first month! We didn’t expect it but it was very welcome that we didn’t have to go through months of disappointment. People were quite surprised by the small gap!

The one that did really annoy me when we were struggling was the 'my husband was disappointed it happened so quickly because he wanted to do more trying lol!'. There really isn't anything fun about a long period TTC. Though thinking about it now, saying that you wanted more trying is basically just declaring that you have a crap sex life so I am even more bemused by why on earth people say it.

Its not bragging , probably they are in shock if its happened quickly.

I actually wish people would talk about this more often. I got pregnant much faster than I was ready for because I assumed it would take time at my age. I was very shocked and unhappy about it for a while. The only TTC stories I’d ever heard about from friends were people who had had trouble. It was only afterwards that friends told me they’d got pregnant their first time trying, too.

People are such snowflakes.

Puppysharness I had never thought of it that way before this thread. I had a friend who was devastated she had conceived on her wedding night as she thought they'd have a few months to enjoy just being married.

Though thinking about it now, saying that you wanted more trying is basically just declaring that you have a crap sex life so I am even more bemused by why on earth people say it.

My friend wanted more trying because she can't use the pill so has to use condoms & has had to use the map twice when condoms have split. She said the trying period was the only time she felt fully relaxed & could have non condom sex. Yes you can do this when pregnant but it's not quite the same & dependent on your pregnancy.

Hmmm I've been known to say this but I think it's more that yes we were hoping the end result would be a pregnancy but it was so quick that we didn't really have time to think about it or take it all in. We decided we wanted to, we did it and it's all been a bit of a whirlwind both times. In a way, I also don't want my friends to think that I started trying when DD was really young. Don't ask me why, but I just don't. I'm definitely not boasting and if I was around anyone who I knew to be struggling, I wouldn't say a word.

@IWantT0BreakFree

Mentioning something once or twice is not “banging on”. People are allowed to talk about their experiences.

Yup. I literally just had to look in the direction of a man to get pregnant. My friends and I always laughed about it. It was literally weeks after deciding to try for all 3 pregnancies. I certainly wouldn't 'brag' but would be chatted about with friends.

Like PP, all the policing of what we can talk about is getting tiresome.

I had a work colleague leave the room every time I entered for 6 months as I had the audacity to be pregnant. I understand people struggle but it's no excuse to make others feel shit.

I think they're just surprised by it, and the enormity of what it brings.

@ApplePie86

YANBU. As someone who has struggled to conceive for 4+ years I think it's narrow minded of people to comment on how quickly or easily it happened.

When I announce in a few weeks I will be making it abundantly clean when telling people how difficult this was.

So you think it’s good for people to hear one set of experiences but not the alternative?

That’s exactly what leads everyone to believe that conceiving will take ages.

I’m with you OP! I don’t want to hear the smug fuckers. There are no prizes for fecundity. You are’t winners because you had sex once. They can do one!

@Puffalicious you sound like someone worth avoiding tbh!

Depends i think, I don't think most people mean it insensitively. For instance I wouldn't say it in front of friends who have had difficulty conceiving . I am due at the same time as my sister and it took her over a year to get pregnant whereas it took me a month. I do get pregnant quickly and it always shocks me as this time around I am 34 so genuinely thought it would take longer. I mentioned it to my mum but wouldn't to anyone else.