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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when people bang on about how they didnt need to 'try' to conceive

179 replies

SunflowerOwl · 27/06/2021 16:57

Two pregnancy announcements from friends this weekend have included a comment along the lines of 'we were so shocked that it happened straight away!'.

I'm pregnant myself so it's not a jealousy thing but I just dont understand why that detail needs to be shared with others, especially as you've no idea how difficult others found it.

Am I just being a sour cow or is this becoming more of a thing?

OP posts:
ohnonotyetplease · 27/06/2021 20:43

Merryoldgoat you're a wise old goat too. Life hands different things to different people to bear with, and although there are undoubtedly some very sad and difficult circumstances that must feel impossible to those in them, you still can have a good attitude. Thanks for your post.

SemiFeralDalek · 27/06/2021 20:57

Looking at your first example-you wouldn’t send a message to someone who had just lost a baby saying how utterly overjoyed you were to have had yours? You’d be more sensitive than that. Or if you knew your friend had just had a miscarriage you wouldn’t be texting them about your morning sickness woes and sending scan pics of you were pregnant? Those are just basis social kindnesses.

Some people really are completely wrapped up in themselves though. Less than 48 hours after my baby DS2 died, a "friend" who I hadn't spoken to in over a year (but knew we'd just lost our son) sent me a message to tell me she was sad for me, but she was 28 weeks pregnant and I would be able to give her some tips on being a good mummy.

I've lost 3 in a year now, one late, 1 chemical and 1 (currently) first trimester loss which is taking an eternity and draining my soul.

I'm really, really trying not be bitter, but my heart hurts, and I have to stay away from pregnancy and baby announcements. If I read an announcement and it said they were shocked as it was fast then I'd be happy for them, but sad for me. I, luckily, can present and pretend really well in public.

jezzyj · 27/06/2021 20:57

@mullmara

It reminds me a bit of people who say ‘oh it’s weird, I can eat whatever I want, and I never seem to put any weight on’. They might think they are just stating a fact, but a person who’s struggling with their weight to the point of utter misery will likely hear it as a brag.

Well what if they desperately want to put on weight? One of my colleagues doesn't like her figure because in her culture it's not so desirable. She drinks some special drinks but she constantly monitors & checks if she's eating enough. It doesn't piss me off.

Seconding this- I had a calorie counting app to gain weight

Things like this are really only offensive or annoying if you have your own personal issues whether with weight or TTC. Doesn't mean people are wrong for sharing their experiences

(Obvious exceptions though. Some people definitely do think their superior regarding having babies)

mullmara · 27/06/2021 21:06

Some people really are completely wrapped up in themselves though. Less than 48 hours after my baby DS2 died, a "friend" who I hadn't spoken to in over a year (but knew we'd just lost our son) sent me a message to tell me she was sad for me, but she was 28 weeks pregnant and I would be able to give her some tips on being a good mummy.

That's just awful & Im sorry for your losses.

Drivingmeupthewall · 27/06/2021 21:09

@Jent13c

I remember a colleague was pregnant with her second and she asked me numerous times when I was having children. I stupidly said that we had been trying for a while unsuccessfully. She replied that it had happened first time with both hers and that her and her husband were super fertile. I instantly felt like I had lost at a stupid game that I didn't want to be part of. This was about 7 years ago and I now have 2 children of which the second was conceived on the first try and I still feel shame about that conversation about something I had literally no control over. If someone asks you then yes of course share if you want to but I hear it all the time unsolicited from couples as if they win a prize for it and it does feel a bit crass.
She kept asking you about it and then said that?

Ugh. I hate people who are that unaware. Who the fuck asks a someone when they’re having children?! Not even if. It’s so fucking rude, presumptuous and invasive. I got asked so much when I was first married. I delighted in telling them I wasn’t going to as I didn’t want children. Even though my fertility was none of their fucking business I felt compelled to betray my own privacy to say something to shut them up. Cue them then trying to change my mind. 🙄 men were the worst for that.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:11

Obviously the one from @mullmara is horrible. However, I sometimes think that a lot of us think that all our mates and those not closest to us, remember everything that happens to us and that we are forefront of their minds. I think the reality is that others aren't as wrapped up in our lives as we are and that they also have a right and need to talk about their own experiences. It doesn't mean they are competing with you, it's just different.

But in polarised modern society that appears to not be good enough, there's this weird view that everyone does everything on purpose to hurt people rather than accepting that your life and experience differs.

Newmumatlast · 27/06/2021 21:11

People should think more before saying stuff like this, I think. It doesn't really need to be said.

lazylinguist · 27/06/2021 21:19

Tbh it wouldn't even occur to be to think that was bragging. I expected it to take a while to get pregnant and it did. If I'd got pregnant straight away I expect I would have felt a little bit shell-shocked.

FootballFacedOrang · 27/06/2021 21:21

I have said this to some friends. Maybe some of them were TTC without my knowledge and I accidentally upset them.

It was true though, it was a shock. We expected it to take ages (I'd had a diagnosis that meant it could likely have taken ages). So we stopped contraception thinking "best not get our hopes up" when we still had some big life events, like a planned relocation \ job change, in the pipeline. It was a genuine shock, quite a lot to get our heads around and made for a very challenging year (turns out relocating when 5mnt pregnant while DH is mid career change is a mare - I don't recommend it). Of course we were very lucky to get pregnant and I wouldn't change the child we now have for the world.

I'v

After all that,the birth was nearly fatal for me and left me unable to have more children, which is a huge sadness in our lives. Friends of ours have had accidents two 2nd and 3rd children and I've found that galling. But I've accepted that my feelings aren't their fault. I've given myself permission to quietly feel a little bitter on occasion, and had to limit time I spent with those friends I the late pregnancy \early baby days, all of which they understood.

So in my case, no one was bragging. That didn't mean it wasn't hurtful. Our hurt sometimes is no one else's fault any more than it is our own.

Rollycat · 27/06/2021 21:27

@SemiFeralDalek I’m so sorry for your losses @mullmara Yeah, good point. I accept there are some people who have a genuine desire to put on weight and problems doing so. I do think others say it as a stealth boast though. I guess it’s the same with conceiving, some people genuinely need to discuss their shock (and I think I have put my own feelings to one side and been supportive to friends when I have felt this was the case) but other people seem to just drop into the conversation how fertile they are for no particular reason.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 27/06/2021 21:38

It's just a very weird thing to even make reference to. Like anyone wants to know how long another couple was having unprotected sex for!

mullmara · 27/06/2021 21:42

Surely it depends on the context?

Like anyone wants to know how long another couple was having unprotected sex for!

Wouldn't that apply to couples who have been trying for a long time too?

cherrybonbons · 27/06/2021 21:46

It happened to me when I didn't take the morning after pill. I ended up with pre natal depression because I felt it was all too easy and something bad was going to happen.
That being said, it is a wanky thing to share. It's not a badge of honour.
Easy Fertility is not always a good thing, unless a baby is the outcome you want. I wouldn't share my personal circumstances with social media

LillyLeaf · 27/06/2021 21:57

It's been said to me a few times, I just smile and don't say much in reply as I'm trying to not show on my face what I'm really thinking.... you lucky thing (been through IVF and miscarriages, but finally got my DS).

museumum · 27/06/2021 22:01

I was 36 and so many people had told me how late id left it, that I was stupid for being too selfish to try earlier, that it would take months if ever.

So yes, when I got pregnancy less than 4 weeks after stopping my pill I was somewhat shocked. Not boastful. Shocked. And actually I spent until the 20 week scan absolutely convinced I’d miscarry because it had been “too easy”.

daisypond · 27/06/2021 22:03

It’s not bragging or smug. I think many people are really shocked how quickly they get pregnant. There is so much information these days about how hard it is to conceive, that you mustn’t leave it too late etc. They think they will have a bit of time to get used to the idea of trying for a child, but no, they are thrown right in the deep end. It was like this for me.

Crabbyboot · 27/06/2021 22:04

I don't think people realise that what they are saying is hurtful to others. I usually reply with, "well that's what happens when you have unprotected sex" and sometimes "I didn't even have to have sex to get pregnant" Grin usually that makes them pause for thought.

Nohomemadecandles · 27/06/2021 22:07

No. I don't think people should need to mitigate their own joy to save other people's feelings. That's not fair. I know trying to conceive is emotive and difficult for a lot of people but when you start feeling put out by someone else's experience, it's time to look at some support.
Let people be happy.

mullmara · 27/06/2021 22:08

"well that's what happens when you have unprotected sex"

Does it? I was told that I had a 17% chance each month after age 35 by one helpful GP.

nonono1 · 27/06/2021 22:08

I agree that it’s a bit TMI and for that reason it’s not something I personally would share on social media. We don’t need to know how the conception went thanks!

Blossomtoes · 27/06/2021 22:11

@lazylinguist

Tbh it wouldn't even occur to be to think that was bragging. I expected it to take a while to get pregnant and it did. If I'd got pregnant straight away I expect I would have felt a little bit shell-shocked.
I don’t think it’s bragging either. It’s factual. I expected it to take a while after we stopped using contraception - I missed my next period. But I was young and at peak fertility.
MissChanandlerBong90 · 27/06/2021 22:12

I’m torn on this one. I do agree that could be really crass and insensitive. On the other hand, I think when people prepare themselves for something to take 6-12 months and it happens within two weeks they can experience a very real sense of shock.

I also have a friend who had a baby years before she was financially or emotionally ready simply because she convinced herself she’d have fertility difficulties and repeat miscarriages. She didn’t.

bez91 · 27/06/2021 22:19

I don't think generally people announce "2 soon to become 3, we were so shocked how soon it happened" people generally say it as an after comment when quizzed that people didn't know they were trying or they've been specifically asked.

I've been both ends of the spectrum, was very lucky to get pregnant first time round rather quickly. This time round, secondary infertility. I wouldn't find that comment hurtful and it's not a boast if it's just mentioned once.

TubeOfSmarties · 27/06/2021 22:24

I was very genuinely shocked at how quickly it happened the first time, and as such in a bit of a panic about whether or not i actually felt ready now that it was actually real. Looking at it more kindly, you may find that it's not a brag so much as just genuinely sharing their feelings about something massive that's happened in their life.

wingingit987 · 27/06/2021 22:25

I fell pregnant the first time straight away lithe first time I had unprotected sex. The second time was basically I was wrong and a mixture of pull out and avoiding ovulation dates is not adequate form of contraception.

However I know how lucky I am to fall pregnant straight away. I don't think I bang on about it.