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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when people bang on about how they didnt need to 'try' to conceive

179 replies

SunflowerOwl · 27/06/2021 16:57

Two pregnancy announcements from friends this weekend have included a comment along the lines of 'we were so shocked that it happened straight away!'.

I'm pregnant myself so it's not a jealousy thing but I just dont understand why that detail needs to be shared with others, especially as you've no idea how difficult others found it.

Am I just being a sour cow or is this becoming more of a thing?

OP posts:
StillCalmX · 27/06/2021 17:54

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I clicked YABU. I came off the pill and got pregnant immediately and to be honest it really fucked with my head, my life changed overnight with no chance to really think about it or get used to the idea. I cried every day in my first pregnancy, looking back I probably had some pre natal depression or something. And it made it harder that I couldnt really talk to anyone about it, other people I knew that were having babies had had years of IVF and I knew it wouldnt come across well if I said I found the speed at which things progressed from vaguely thinking about babies to having one very difficult mentally.
I know what you mean, and you can't really vocalise that because obviously the response is, well you had unprotected sex what did you think.......... I had been reading scaremongering articles about how fertility fell off a cliff edge at 37 for a few years and I was 33 and I was very shocked, I thought I'd experience ''oh well, here's my period'' a good few times before I missed a period. It was strange to realise, I did this, a decision I made has had huge impact on my life. Looking back on it I had low self esteem and wasn't very confident. I also remember one of the first questions I was asked was ''was it planned?'' and I felt like I didn't know the answer to that myself.
ComDummings · 27/06/2021 17:56

I think it’s thoughtless of them but they’re probably just shocked at how quickly they conceived. Logically we know that it only takes one shag but generally people gear up for ‘trying.’ When it turns out you get pregnant within a few weeks it is a shock.

Jent13c · 27/06/2021 17:57

I remember a colleague was pregnant with her second and she asked me numerous times when I was having children. I stupidly said that we had been trying for a while unsuccessfully. She replied that it had happened first time with both hers and that her and her husband were super fertile. I instantly felt like I had lost at a stupid game that I didn't want to be part of. This was about 7 years ago and I now have 2 children of which the second was conceived on the first try and I still feel shame about that conversation about something I had literally no control over. If someone asks you then yes of course share if you want to but I hear it all the time unsolicited from couples as if they win a prize for it and it does feel a bit crass.

JellyTumble · 27/06/2021 17:58

@DroopyClematis

Sometimes people just say how it is for them. It's not necessarily bragging or insensitive. Sometimes conception has been a complete surprise.
This. We decided to start TTC and conceived the second time.

When I said I was shocked and thought it would take forever, I wasn’t being boastful, I was just telling the truth Confused Wondering now if there’s any sour cows in my life that think the same as you... Hmm

Cornishmumofone · 27/06/2021 18:03

I found out the week of my 38th birthday that I was pregnant. I've lived with DH since I was 20, but we'd only decided to try for a baby the month before, so I was shocked and surprised. I figured that at my age it would take a while.

meganorks · 27/06/2021 18:03

YABU. I got pregnant quickly. I did say to some people not to boast but because it was a shock! I got it into my head that it would take at least a year. I hadn't told anyone we were trying (I'm not sure I would have done anyway). I felt weird telling people that I was pregnant. I felt guilty telling my best friend as she had been trying for a while and I hadn't even mentioned kids. I was visiting her and ended up telling her just before I left as i just couldn't find a way to do it.

CP26 · 27/06/2021 18:03

YANBU it makes those of us with fertility issues feel like shit.

Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2021 18:04

@SunflowerOwl

Sour cow it is then Grin

Our journey to pregnancy was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster so I'm possibly over sensitive although it was nowhere near as hard as what I know others go through.

It always just stings a bit!

But lots of things ‘sting’ OP. It’s just life. I think it’s better to be more resilient and not get upset by stuff like this.

I got pregnant first time twice in my late thirties.

I had horrific pregnancies in some respects but I don’t get upset seeing people enjoying they’d pregnancies.

Both my boys are autistic but I’m not upset seeing parents of neurotypical children doing the lovely things we can’t.

My mum died when I was a teen - I don’t need to hide on Mother’s Day.

I’m no paragon and can be a petty grump like the best of them but come on - some people have it better, some have it worse.

mullmara · 27/06/2021 18:07

@Merryoldgoat you make a very good point. I also had awful pregnancies, someone saying they loved being pregnant or getting that glow doesn't offend me. It's just life.

PurpleDaisies · 27/06/2021 18:07

I felt guilty telling my best friend as she had been trying for a while and I hadn't even mentioned kids. I was visiting her and ended up telling her just before I left as i just couldn't find a way to do it.

For anyone who finds themselves in this situation, a simple, factual text message when you know they’re likely to be at home is what’s described at the best way by people in the same position as your friend.

Iggi999 · 27/06/2021 18:08

Of course it's insensitive if you know the person you are speaking to had fertility problems.

BraveBraveMouse · 27/06/2021 18:10

I think some people really are shocked, especially if in their 30s, as we hear so much about how fertility declines.

Some may be feigning shock, because the pregnancy was carefully planned and timed and they don't want to admit to their employer they planned it that way. I used to work with someone who timed her pregnancies to get her out of our busy period at work, I remember resenting it at the time...now having gone through awful pregnancies myself I think that was the sensible thing to do in many ways.

IWantT0BreakFree · 27/06/2021 18:14

I can't imagine anyone telling someone who had been through gruelling fertility treatment that they shouldn't mentiontheie relief at the end of their long journey to parenthood when they announce their baby's arrival. And yet, imagine how that would feel for someone who never got to have the happy ending. Or who had to leave the hospital without their baby.

I am genuinely sympathetic to the fact that it's painful for people experiencing fertility issues but unfortunately there will always be things about other people's lives that have the potential to trigger negative emotions if it's something that has affected us or that we feel robbed of. Even so, we can't expect other people to censor themselves when they are talking about their own life experiences. That wouldn't be fair.

BigWoollyJumpers · 27/06/2021 18:14

It's just conversation. In the same way someone else would say, it took us ages to conceive, we are so happy. I think it's a nice balance. You always hear about how difficult it is to get pregnant, when actually for many it isn't at all. It just highlights that we are all different, with different experiences.

PurBal · 27/06/2021 18:17

Nearly every single couple in our immediate family circle had trouble conceiving. We supported them through IVF and MC. We anticipated and prepared for a long road. Especially since I have polycystic ovaries and was told I might not be able to. We wanted a baby, we weren't using contraception, but given we only had sex once in the month we conceived it's safe to say we were massively shocked. I have confided that shock in people I consider my friends, it's a lot to get your head around.

PurpleDaisies · 27/06/2021 18:20

I am genuinely sympathetic to the fact that it's painful for people experiencing fertility issues but unfortunately there will always be things about other people's lives that have the potential to trigger negative emotions if it's something that has affected us or that we feel robbed of. Even so, we can't expect other people to censor themselves when they are talking about their own life experiences. That wouldn't be fair.

There’s no need to send someone a personal text with stuff you know will be hurtful though? Surely there’s a bit of “know your audience” with all your friends?

Looking at your first example-you wouldn’t send a message to someone who had just lost a baby saying how utterly overjoyed you were to have had yours? You’d be more sensitive than that. Or if you knew your friend had just had a miscarriage you wouldn’t be texting them about your morning sickness woes and sending scan pics of you were pregnant? Those are just basis social kindnesses.

IDontReadEyebrows · 27/06/2021 18:20

I think sometimes it’s self preservation- they don’t want to admit they’ve been ttc or are pleased but a bit embarrassed by a happy accident.

Fwiw when I got pregnant (unplanned) with my second my then boss commented “congratulations! I didn’t even know you were trying!” Which had me Confused because even if I had been I definitely wouldn’t have discussed my having unprotected sex with my boss!

SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/06/2021 18:20

It CAN be boastful definitely.

I have a friend who mentioned on Facebook that they’d ‘fallen’ straight away after coming off the pill, hadn’t even had a period. That’s not what she told me- she said it had taken a few months for her cycle to settle down. So I can only think it was a social media brag about her fertility. This is the same person who just had to announce with a pic of the newborn baby that she’d had a natural birth with ‘only paracetamol’ as well. There’s no way that’s not a brag is it? Why mention it at all.

Baby193 · 27/06/2021 18:24

I do know what you mean OP…it took my partner and me 11 months to conceive and I was obsessed with how long it was taking, completely convinced something was wrong because all I ever seemed to see was comments like “we couldn’t believe how fast it happened”, “we thought it would take a while so were so shocked it happened first try!” Same in real life as well - all my friends joke about how quickly they fell pregnant and it made me feel like shit tbh.
However if that’s what happened for them, that’s what happened - most people are just being honest and factual. I do eye roll a bit at “my husband just has to LOOK at me and I get pregnant LOL” though Grin

IWantT0BreakFree · 27/06/2021 18:26

There’s no need to send someone a personal text with stuff you know will be hurtful though? Surely there’s a bit of “know your audience” with all your friends?

Was it a personal text? I just read the OP which said "birth announcement" and usually in my experience these are either on social media or group texts/WhatsApp messages. And to be fair, not many of us share our fertility or miscarriage woes with many (if any) people, so I wouldn't expect other people to censor themselves and not share their experiences just in case. Obviously sending a personal text about this to someone who you know has suffered infertility etc is different and insensitive.

Lockheart · 27/06/2021 18:29

I think some people assume it will take several months to conceive and plan to that timetable, then get caught out when it happens first time around and they're not quite prepared!

So no, I don't think it's bragging. Just surprise.

firstimemamma · 27/06/2021 18:32

@Lockheart that happened to us - assuming it would take at least 2 months or probably 3-6 - then it happened instantly and we were still living in a rental flat and were 2 weeks away from exchanging on our house! I'd never 'brag' about how it happened straight away but in the unlikely event I'd being asked I will tell the truth! Everything worked out fine in the end and we moved into our house when I was 10 weeks pregnant or so.

LuaDipa · 27/06/2021 18:32

I was genuinely surprised how quickly I fell pregnant. I was the first of my friends to have kids so didn’t really have anything to compare it to. I may well have said something like this and would have been expressing genuine surprise, not gloating.

GrandTheftWalrus · 27/06/2021 18:38

I tried for 6 years with my ex husband. Not even a sniff of a line. Told I wasn't ovulating and due to my weight I would basically never conceive without help. Split with him and gave up on having children.

1st month I moved in with my now dh I was pregnant! Then another twice without trying. Lost one and then was pregnant again 2 months later. And we didn't have sex during the 2 months after as I wanted to wait a bit before trying.

Also with the 2nd and 3rd pregnancies I weighed the exact same as when I was under investigation and told it wouldn't happen.

ApplePie86 · 27/06/2021 18:42

YANBU. As someone who has struggled to conceive for 4+ years I think it's narrow minded of people to comment on how quickly or easily it happened.

When I announce in a few weeks I will be making it abundantly clean when telling people how difficult this was.