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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father in law won’t get vaccinated but wants to visit

164 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/06/2021 06:39

We are in Australia. The vaccination program is ludicrously slow and behind other nations, and totally voluntary. We have our first appointment booked for a few weeks from now (first available!). We are also currently in lockdown.
My daughter is a medically vulnerable person.
Father in law is clearly hesitant about the vax. Not clear how anti it is, but changes the subject when we talk about it and makes statements such as: “I live in the country and don’t have kids at school, so no risk to me”. He hasn’t outright said no, but it’s clear, and he swings towards alternative treatments etc.
He wants to visit us “as soon as lockdown ends”, which is likely to be after our first jab, but not the second. We haven’t seen him since January 2019. It would be good to see him.
I don’t want an unvaccinated visitor. I want to say: “we need you to be vaccinated before you visit”. Being older, he can get an immediate appointment. He is 70, he should absolutely get one.
AIBU? I don’t want him here or travelling unvaccinated. I’m aware we will have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t and my daughter will be mixing with people all the time.
So what are people doing with hesitant visitors when you are adamantly pro vax? How do you discuss it?

OP posts:
UnmentionedElephantDildo · 27/06/2021 06:47

It's up to him whether he gets vaccinated or not. I think he's being silly, but I don't think you can tackle him productively on that. And it's his call how he chooses to travel.

Where will he stay if he visits? Unless you have an annexe, suggest nearby hotel. And only see him outdoors - it'll cut the risk considerably.

If he doesn't want to stay separately, then tell him that you want to wait until you feel it's safe to be in close proximity to unvaccinated people.

But expect him to counter this by pointing out that unvaccinated DC may well bring it home from school (notice how the English extension of restrictions more or less matches the end of the school year?) How would you answer?

KaptainKaveman · 27/06/2021 06:50

It is up to him whether or not he gets vaccinated, but equally it is up to YOU to decide whether or not he gets to see your medically vulnerable dd. I hope you make this crystal clear to him!

Soontobe60 · 27/06/2021 06:53

You cannot force people to get vaccinated. It’s their choice. And refusing to see them if they don’t get vaccinated is tantamount to blackmail.
You do realise that even when vaccinated people can become infected and pass the infection on don’t you? So being vaccinated is no absolute guarantee that you’re Covid free.
You can only be ‘pro vax’ for yourself - you cannot force your views on others. You could always get him to do a PCR test when he visits.

Soontobe60 · 27/06/2021 06:54

@KaptainKaveman

It is up to him whether or not he gets vaccinated, but equally it is up to YOU to decide whether or not he gets to see your medically vulnerable dd. I hope you make this crystal clear to him!
The OP pointed out that her medically vulnerable DD is already mixing with other people whom they have no idea if they’re vaccinated or not.
TheSandgroper · 27/06/2021 06:56

Agreed with above poster. The only thing you can say is that by his decision, he is agreeing to you making your own decision.

You don’t say what state you are in so his feeling of safety may be very strong, depending upon where you are. However, my elderly father (in one of the normally safe states) took the first appointment offered even though he rarely gets himself a fluvax simply because it’s the right thing to do.

IWantT0BreakFree · 27/06/2021 07:03

Being vaccinated will reduce his chances of transmitting an infection by around 40-60%. I understand why it’s important to you that he gets himself vaccinated and it must be upsetting that he’s not willing to do this. You would be well within your rights to insist on seeing proof of vaccination before accepting a visit from him, or insisting on social distancing measures outdoors only until he gets vaccinated.

As you’ve acknowledged though, you can’t get proof of everybody’s vaccination status and DD will undoubtedly be mixing eventually with unvaccinated people. But then FIL is a known risk, and you can certainly protect against those.

I think if he gets stroppy about it, you just have to keep putting it back on him and reminding him that it’s his choice to decline the vaccination.

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/06/2021 07:06

He might change his mind - lots of people in the UK have, after seeing loads of others getting safely vaccinated. Don't make a thing of it at this stage. When the time comes you could either delay until fully vaccinated or meet outside or get him to take a test. In any case the risk to him is probably higher than to your daughter

VashtaNerada · 27/06/2021 07:15

If he’s wavering I would make it clear about the position DD is in, it might be enough to encourage him to make the right decision. Very silly for someone who is eligible to choose not to do it if they have a medically vulnerable granddaughter. Hopefully he’ll see sense and just get it done. It doesn’t have to be a nasty conversation, just let him know that she’s only seeing people who are vaccinated for now.

PurBal · 27/06/2021 07:19

I'm with you OP. It's about mitigating the risk to your daughter. Having the vaccine does that. Yes, it is a person's choice but you FIL reasons focus entirely on him and not his granddaughter, who I assume he loves and cares about. FWIW my dad is in a country with a slow vaccine roll out, the borders are closed and he can't get back to the UK. I'm desperate to see him as I am expecting my first child. We would jump through every hoop possible if it meant seeing him but thats not an option for us. How lucky your FIL is that seeing you is a possibility.

ouchmyfeet · 27/06/2021 07:22

And refusing to see them if they don’t get vaccinated is tantamount to blackmail.

It's really not. It's a sensible plan given the OP's immediate family's circumstances.

Rhayader · 27/06/2021 07:23

My in laws are refusing to get the vax too. We saw them before vaccines were available by isolating and testing beforehand and still see them now - although it’s harder to isolate as the kids are at school….

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 27/06/2021 07:23

It’s up to him to decide to get vaccinated.

I want to say it’s up to you if you are happy to someone unvaccinated in your house but only if it’s fair.
Aka everyone else in the house is vaccinated AND your dd is only in contact with vaccinated people.

Eg my FIL is ECV. He only gets out of the house to go to hospital. MIL is shielding too (shopping delivered, not meeting up with friends unless outside etc….)
If your dd goes to school, then she will be at a higher risk there than your. FIL after quarantine and several PCR tests

Rhayader · 27/06/2021 07:24

For me it would depend on how vulnerable everyone is. In our case.. my inlaws were the ones we wanted to protect.

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 27/06/2021 07:26

@Rhayader

My in laws are refusing to get the vax too. We saw them before vaccines were available by isolating and testing beforehand and still see them now - although it’s harder to isolate as the kids are at school….
You see I wouldn’t do that.

If they refuse the vaccine and still go out and about (which I assume they do), then I would see them normally. They can’t ask people to self isolate etc… for them

cariadlet · 27/06/2021 07:30

It's a shame that your FIL is only thinking about himself rather than the wider picture; we need as many people vaccinated as possible to reduce transmission and reduce the opportunities for new varients to emerge. But he's an adult and he's got the right to make selfish choices.

Equally, you have the right to protect your daughter and to choose who visits you.

I'd tell your FIL that you can't wait to see him and that you would love for him to visit but you are limiting visitors to people who are vaccinated in order to protect your daughter. You really hope that he chooses to get vaccinated and comes to see you but if he decides not to then you'll be disappointed but will respect his choice.

That puts the ball firmly in his court.

Neron · 27/06/2021 07:55

I’m aware we will have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t and my daughter will be mixing with people all the time
If you know this, and there is nothing you can do about this - then why are you trying to force someone to have something they are hesitant about?

Are you curtailing all other aspects of life so your daughter isn't mixing at all, with other unvaccinated people?

Iggly · 27/06/2021 08:03

To be honest OP, the vaccine isn’t a catch all miracle protection, so I would always have that in the back of your mind in terms of your dd.

It also doesn’t stop people being infectious - but it does reduce it. Also for some people, the vaccine is less effective than for others.

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2021 08:06

I'm guessing the expect family, who they'll spend more time with and potentially closer to to also want to do everything to reduce the risk to their loved family member? They can't expect anything of strangers.
And just because the vaccine isn't 100% doesn't mean it's equivalent to not being vaccinated - it reduces the risk hugely.

Youdiditanyway · 27/06/2021 08:07

I don’t think people understand how the vaccine works. It protects you, not other unvaccinated people around you. The whole premise is that you can still catch covid even following vaccination but you’re far less likely to get sick and require hospitalisation. Vaccinated people can still spread covid to others too so even if your FIL was vaccinated, he could still carry and transmit covid.

It sounds like his lifestyle is quite ‘low risk’ if he lives in the sticks and barely goes out. I’d let him visit personally.

tttigress · 27/06/2021 08:18

Erm I have heard the phrase her body, her choice.

How about his body, his choice.

It is sad Covid is turning family member against family member.

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2021 08:19

Youdid the vaccines also protect those around you as, if you catch itx you are much less likely to pass it on.

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2021 08:23

Umm you’re in australia. Outside of outbreaks and lockdowns almost no one is at risk. In the height of outbreaks and lockdowns, we don’t even feature on the cases per 100,000 scale used in global comparisons. I’m in melb, I know nobody who has had COVID, except my friends overseas, who have either had it or know no one who has had it.
It’s your choice what rules you make re your family but your fil would be perfectly reasonable to decide you’ve always hated him and finally found an excuse to cut him off, and many many would agree with him. I expect everyone who’s been at a contact site or has symptoms to test and isolate, but the community risk is really negligible.

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2021 08:24

I’m totally pro vaccine by the way. And will be getting it as soon as I can, who knows when that will be with our federally fucked up vaccine procurement and rollout program.

bakingdemon · 27/06/2021 08:24

Your house, your rules. If you don't want unvaccinated visitors then say so.

mn2022 · 27/06/2021 08:25

I’m aware we will have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t and my daughter will be mixing with people all the time.

Then your post is pointless Hmm

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