Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Father in law won’t get vaccinated but wants to visit

164 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/06/2021 06:39

We are in Australia. The vaccination program is ludicrously slow and behind other nations, and totally voluntary. We have our first appointment booked for a few weeks from now (first available!). We are also currently in lockdown.
My daughter is a medically vulnerable person.
Father in law is clearly hesitant about the vax. Not clear how anti it is, but changes the subject when we talk about it and makes statements such as: “I live in the country and don’t have kids at school, so no risk to me”. He hasn’t outright said no, but it’s clear, and he swings towards alternative treatments etc.
He wants to visit us “as soon as lockdown ends”, which is likely to be after our first jab, but not the second. We haven’t seen him since January 2019. It would be good to see him.
I don’t want an unvaccinated visitor. I want to say: “we need you to be vaccinated before you visit”. Being older, he can get an immediate appointment. He is 70, he should absolutely get one.
AIBU? I don’t want him here or travelling unvaccinated. I’m aware we will have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t and my daughter will be mixing with people all the time.
So what are people doing with hesitant visitors when you are adamantly pro vax? How do you discuss it?

OP posts:

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 27/06/2021 09:25

We have a friend who refuses to get vaccinated. We've decided that he's not welcome in the house until CEV people are safe. I want to be able to visit DS1 again.

user1471447924 · 27/06/2021 09:27

You can’t make him be vaccinated, but you absolutely can (and should) make not seeing your CEV daughter a clear consequence of his choice. He can’t have his cake and eat it.

millymollymoomoo · 27/06/2021 09:28

The importance of the vaccine is to make sure those who are vulnerable have it
The vaccine is designed to protect the person who has it not others around them

Leah2005 · 27/06/2021 09:29

But being vaccinated doesn't prevent you catching and carrying covid without symptoms. He could get vaccinated and still bring it to your home.

yellowvanilla · 27/06/2021 09:29

I am a primary teacher who had covid earlier this year.
I am choosing not to get the vaccine right now. I have several reasons, but the main one is that I am just not happy to put this vaccine in my body, and also the bodies of my children (when they reach that age) currently. We have all other vaccines, I am a parent to a child with ASD and am absolutely not an anti vaxxer.

My DH disagrees with me, and he will get vaccinated as soon as he can (we have to wait a period of time after having covid before we can have the vaccine, we are not in the UK) but again, that is his choice.

I am not ruling it out in the future, but currently, I am hesitant.

My friends respect my views, and equally, if they chose not to see me, that's fine.

Throughout this whole thing, we have lived very quiet lives and to be honest, doing so for another year or so, while I watch the situation, does not worry us at all. We don't live in a busy city and live simply.

The most social contact I have is through my job, and the parents are a mix of people who have chosen to be vaccinated and those who do not want to. As is their right and their personal choice.

Creating a bad atmosphere won't change anything, and you cannot impose anything on others.

You can calmly discuss your concerns with him though.

Good luck.

Orla1970 · 27/06/2021 09:30

Of course it’s his choice not to get vaccinated but it’s your choice not to have him in your home in close contact with your daughter. He is being naive if he thinks his decision will not have repercussions. The posters that are saying you are blackmailing him - please ignore and go with your gut. Protect your daughter x

Orla1970 · 27/06/2021 09:36

@millymollymoomoo

The importance of the vaccine is to make sure those who are vulnerable have it The vaccine is designed to protect the person who has it not others around them

That’s not true. Of course the primary function is to protect the person who is vaccinated. But it also reduces the chance of onward virus transmission by up to 60%. As I said it’s completely his choice not to be vaccinated, however, be prepared for others not to want you in their home, in close contact, especially with anyone who is in the vulnerable category.

Orchidflower1 · 27/06/2021 09:41

The other question @SquarePeggyLeggy is how long is he prepared to not see his grandchild indoors? Surely that will give him something to think about?

Is he waiting until next month? Christmas ? Never?

Thecazelets · 27/06/2021 09:42

I am delighted - my first accusation of being insane on Mumsnet!

Thecazelets · 27/06/2021 09:46

People like your mum make me so angry when my sons in their early 20s stayed in for months last year and even now have limited social life...to protect the elderly. Im sorry op i know its not your fault but im fizzing at your mum

Me too, ssd, me too. I work for the NHS, my dc's education has been hugely disrupted to protect her, and it's as though she's just sticking her finger up at the lot of us.

Nightbear · 27/06/2021 09:49

He has every right to say he doesn’t want to be vaccinated. You have every right to say you don’t want someone who’s unvaccinated staying in your home with your medically vulnerable daughter.

’I live in the country and don’t have kids at school, so no risk to me’ is fine. So is ‘I have a child who is at higher risk from this infection and won’t have unvaccinated house guests.’

Mummyof2andapig · 27/06/2021 09:50

You’re being ridiculous

Orchidflower1 · 27/06/2021 09:50

@Thecazelets

I am delighted - my first accusation of being insane on Mumsnet!

You’re not my dear. The people who accuse you of that clearly have issues to project onto others.

I’m seething at people like your mum. How dare they contribute to the take away of education for my dc, mh issues for my family - what makes them so special that they’re exempt to the rules.

Dutch1e · 27/06/2021 09:56

While I completely understand you feeling cautious, it seems counterproductive to sort of punish your dad for being honest with you. He really doesn't owe you any info on these decisions he makes for himself, so in your position I'd ask him to take a pre-visit test (the same request I would make of anyone wanting to visit a medically vulnerable DD, regardless of whether the visitor is vaccinated) and say no more than that.

saraclara · 27/06/2021 09:56

@millymollymoomoo

The importance of the vaccine is to make sure those who are vulnerable have it The vaccine is designed to protect the person who has it not others around them

Why do people keep saying that? The vaccinated person not catching the virus is in itself protective of the people they mix with. If they don't get it, they can't spread it. And even if they get it, research is showing that vaccinated people don't shed as much virus so are less 50% less likely to pass it on.

Canigooutyet · 27/06/2021 10:13

what about those who cannot have the vaccine?

What about some of the people with immune issues and for some reason the vaccine isn't working, would you also exclude them?

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2021 10:25

@AllyBama of course we should get vaccinated. I’m enormously pro vaccines wherever we have them and have a mother who was one of the last polio cases before vaccination was widespread. In the uk , us or eu where I have close family I would support the not vaccinated don’t seem my child. But in oz, while I and everyone I know will get vaccinated as soon as we can (I’m under 40 so don’t yet qualify in Vic, parents and in laws are all vaccinated or first dose down), it is overreacting to refuse to see an unvaccinated family member. I would refuse to travel overseas with them, as I don’t want to be part of that risk level and they increase the chance we are exposed. Also don’t see him if he’s traveled os (although obviously he hasn’t) But stay away until the outbreak is done and then risk levels are back to near zero, and for someone coming from the country like the ops fil, zero. She’s more pooey to catch it every day at school once the outbreak is over and she’s more likely to be hit by a car than catch it at school.

ddl1 · 27/06/2021 10:26

I don’t think people understand how the vaccine works. It protects you, not other unvaccinated people around you. The whole premise is that you can still catch covid even following vaccination but you’re far less likely to get sick and require hospitalisation. Vaccinated people can still spread covid to others too so even if your FIL was vaccinated, he could still carry and transmit covid.

This is not really true. Yes, vaccinated people CAN still spread Covid to others, but they are far less likely to do so than unvaccinated people, both because they're much less likely to get it in the first place (especially if they've had both jabs) and because, if they do get it, they usually have a lower viral load, which makes them both less likely to get seriously ill themselves and less likely to transmit it to others.

Nothing is 100% but it greatly decreases the risks.

ddl1 · 27/06/2021 10:33

Is it a question of just seeing him or of putting him up at your home?

I think that it would be unfair to refuse to allow your daughter to see him at all (unless there is a massive surge in cases), given that she is already seeing lots of other people. Presumably including children of her own age, who won't yet have had the opportunity to be vaccinated. If you're concerned, you could insist on meeting outdoors or with windows open.

However,, I think that is much more risky to put him up at your house, and that unless he's vaccinated -or perhaps agrees to be tested regularly - it is reasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere,.

worktrip · 27/06/2021 10:55

@KaptainKaveman

It is up to him whether or not he gets vaccinated, but equally it is up to YOU to decide whether or not he gets to see your medically vulnerable dd. I hope you make this crystal clear to him!

With bells on!

Blossomtoes · 27/06/2021 10:59

I’m aware we will have no way of knowing who is and who isn’t and my daughter will be mixing with people all the time

If your daughter is mixing with unvaccinated people already, you don’t really have a leg to stand on.

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2021 11:04

Yes Im annoyed by people spreading rumours that it doesn't reduce transmission. It bloody does.

bakebeans · 27/06/2021 11:05

You do realise that you can still get Covid and pass this on despite being vaccinated dont you? Its supposed to stop you becoming extremely unwell or dying by boosting your own immunity to it and certain variants may not be covered by some of the vaccines
If you are so worried, then ask him to delay until you have had your first vaccines

user1471539324 · 27/06/2021 11:07

@Youdiditanyway

It sounds like his lifestyle is quite ‘low risk’ if he lives in the sticks and barely goes out. I’d let him visit personally.

I’m actually not sure that you understand how vaccines work…

By getting vaccinated you protect yourself from serious illness, yes, but studies have shown that it also significantly reduces transmission.

Not only that, but the whole point of vaccine programmes are to obtain herd immunity, to protect those who cannot get the vaccine for whatever reason or those who the vaccine may not be effective in.

I’m really sick of people talking down to others, while attempting to spread misinformation.

bakebeans · 27/06/2021 11:09

I know a few people who have had both jabs and caught Covid. One hasn’t left his house and caught it from his flat mate who also had both jabs. Another has spent a week in hospital after catching the delta variant of Covid despite having had both jabs. She had Covid last year also.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7