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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

290 replies

Atreus · 27/06/2021 01:32

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

OP posts:
Scaredycatmoo76 · 27/06/2021 12:10

And aside from living arrangements, friends from her course? Extra curricular stuff?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/06/2021 12:11

@Scaredycatmoo76

Op

What was school like for you dd?

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
Maray1967 · 27/06/2021 12:12

PP poster claimed that this would not be dealt with by a university disciplinary panel. That might well have been the case in the past but as other posters have pointed out it certainly would be now at least at some unis. I sit on the student discipline panel at mine and a similar case was most certainly dealt with. A lot has changed in the last 4 or 5 years.

Baggingarea · 27/06/2021 12:17

Hmmm at the end of the day your daughter is an adult and needs to handle these things herself.

I wouldn't be rude to them as pp have suggested - that's what they want and will take it out on your daughter.

All you can do is be polite, at worst disinterested. It sounds like they already don't like her so giving them more ammo will just distress her.

I feel for your poor daughter. Maybe concentrate on the friends she does have? Go for lunch with them after?

QueenBee52 · 27/06/2021 12:20

@Atreus

did you take photos/film the room.. your DD vacated.. to prove the room was left in a good clean condition.

just incase these horrid people damage things now DD has gone and she gets hit with a Bill. 🌸

Birminghambloke · 27/06/2021 12:35

Agree with PP about the stress of going through a complaint process. Sometimes, although people should face consequence of their actions, it’s best to move on to your future. Head up.

fabulousathome · 27/06/2021 12:38

I think I just would not talk to them. Whatever they say don't speak and nor should your daughter.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 12:46

@SinisterBumFacedCat

*In cases of disgruntled housemates, there ARE two sides to every story. Your comparing it to sexual assault minimises the crime of sexual assault and is wholly offensive.*

It is bullying not disgruntled housemates. Being bullied is traumatic, it has lifelong mental health consequences for some. I have been a victim of both bullying and sexual assault so I know. I am minimising neither, but comparing how other people have responded with regards to blaming the victim. I can absolutely see in the ops DD there is a massive power imbalance (2 couples who can back each other up, the men are athletic sports coaches in the uni) and of course this is not a big standard housemates disagreeing, it is vile targeted bullying.

We don't know what was said or what went on. All we have is the mum of one of the housemates telling the situation through what the DD has said...and through the bias of being her mum. Suddenly the men have become "athletic sports coaches" rather than fellow students at uni. Theres also 9 or 10 people in this houses, yet (according to the mum) no one bothered their arse to help out the DD when apparently a male housemate kicked a door....even though her 'friend' was next door and didn't say anything or help her. And only bought this up when the mum was there. It's likely a big group of people fell out over different ways of living...but that doesn't mean it's vile bullying.

My point is that the DD could have been messy, annoying with washing and keys...and the other could have been crap with other stuff. But this is not sexual assault or whatever people are trying to compare it to. It is a student house and like so many of them...it hasn't worked out well. But sadly this doesn't mean it's a good Vs evil situation. It's a house share at uni.

But what it doesn't need is mum to come in and act in any of the vile ways (which would negatively affect the DD) that has been suggested on here. If I had gone home to my mum and said I'd been "bullied about my washing and keys", my mum's first question is what did you do with your washing and keys? It's likely that the parents of the other housemates may have a different view because they've heard it from their kids.

Also never do the fish or try revenge in any way. I did a temp job after uni looking after student lettings at a property company. Yes, landlords do try and reclaim crap like this and it also doesn't look good if you ever did want to discuss anything with the uni. "Mum left fish under floorboards" doesn't scream respectable or trustworthy individual.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/06/2021 12:52

Huge sympathy to you and your daughter, Atreus. Bullying was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, even though I’ve had much more serious attacks including being raped and beaten up. Living with bullies in a flatshare was worse than having it at work, because there was no escape.

The awful soul-crushing humiliation of being despised, and enduring it over the long term, made me feel suicidal. It sapped my self-confidence to the extent that I thought there was nothing I could do.

I’m glad your daughter is getting away.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/06/2021 12:54

I would but I saw my daughter go through a complete mental breakdown because of bullying and I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue.

These are not children, they're adults who should know better. I don't think id even be polite as you describe it. Excuse my language but fucking cunts. I hope your poor girl recovers and life is more peaceful going forward.

Also leave a mackerel somewhere warm.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/06/2021 12:55

Oh and to add absolutely make sure you report them all to student welfare.

OverTheRubicon · 27/06/2021 12:55

@SinisterBumFacedCat

*In cases of disgruntled housemates, there ARE two sides to every story. Your comparing it to sexual assault minimises the crime of sexual assault and is wholly offensive.*

It is bullying not disgruntled housemates. Being bullied is traumatic, it has lifelong mental health consequences for some. I have been a victim of both bullying and sexual assault so I know. I am minimising neither, but comparing how other people have responded with regards to blaming the victim. I can absolutely see in the ops DD there is a massive power imbalance (2 couples who can back each other up, the men are athletic sports coaches in the uni) and of course this is not a big standard housemates disagreeing, it is vile targeted bullying.

And the bullying is totally unacceptable, everyone has said that.

What people have also noted, for her DD to have success in future, is that some of the things quoted as bullying by the op - washing on the floor, housemates not wanting to let in someone who has forgotten their keys, house meetings to address issues - are very familiar to those who have had a difficult housemate (or cases like mine and a couple of other pps, been a difficult housemate, until maturity kicked in). The fact that Op is so willing to storm in and fight her 20 year old DD's battles is also not exactly a sign that she's necessarily equipped her well to function as an independent adult.

I do think that some of these incidents - especially the guy coming into the room - are serious enough to warrant talking to uni if DD wants to. But she needs to run some of this and her mum needs to back off and focussing on supporting her adult child.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/06/2021 13:03

And I hope she understands that it’s about them, not her. Bullies look out for a victim and enjoy the harm they’re doing. Maybe some cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), before she goes abroad, will help her understand and know how to protect herself if it happens again.

endofjune · 27/06/2021 13:06

@Thatsjustwhatithink tbh on a thread about bullying you are really bordering on it yourself.

You’ve accused the OP of setting a bad example to her DD growing up for considering trashing the house - except the OP hasn’t once suggested this might be something she would do. It was other posters.

You’ve also bordered on troll hunting.

I’m not remotely interested in a pompous and long winded response so don’t bother. It just doesn’t surprise me that you have sided with the bullies based on your posts here Hmm

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/06/2021 13:08

Wait, a 20yo male knocked on her door, told her he didn't like her and then ran off?????? The big wide world is going to have all kinds of fun chewing him up and spitting him out of that's how he acts at 20!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/06/2021 13:10

[quote endofjune]@Thatsjustwhatithink tbh on a thread about bullying you are really bordering on it yourself.

You’ve accused the OP of setting a bad example to her DD growing up for considering trashing the house - except the OP hasn’t once suggested this might be something she would do. It was other posters.

You’ve also bordered on troll hunting.

I’m not remotely interested in a pompous and long winded response so don’t bother. It just doesn’t surprise me that you have sided with the bullies based on your posts here Hmm[/quote]
This is ridiculous.

Nocutenamesleft · 27/06/2021 13:12

@groovergirl

What disgusting behaviour. I second what PPs say about contacting the uni. Of course, if the house is a private rental the uni might say it's not within their jurisdiction. Tell the student welfare advisers that they need to know about this anyway.

As for moving out, there you can have some fun! Grin Put on your big bitch boots and barge in like you own the joint. Be noisy, be obnoxious and treat these people like shit in their own house. Any backchat, you hold your ground and blast the hell out of them. Make the moving out a thoroughly miserable experience for them.

If it were me, I'd take a litre bottle of my morning urine and "accidentally" empty it all over the bathroom just before leaving. And yes, I have done this.

Good luck to your DD. I'm sorry she had to suffer such shitful housemates.

Ha.

I’m immature. I love this! I’d be doing something like this

I was bullied. I asked my mum not to do anything. Worried it would of made it worse

But years later I realised they were just little shits. Who wouldn’t say boo to a goose and my mum phoning the police probably would have halted it immediately

So damn right. Fuck it!

endofjune · 27/06/2021 13:13

Yes it is ridiculous that someone would not bother to read the OPs posts and decide her parenting is terrible anyway, isn’t it?

PerciphonePuma · 27/06/2021 13:13

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Hmmm… I’d tread lightly on this one. It’s unlikely you are getting the full story here. When living arrangements go bad it’s usually due to escalating bad behavior on all sides.

I’m not saying this was definitely the case but your daughter is unlikely to tell yo the reason her clean laundry was thrown on the floor is that she left it hanging for a week or the reason they wouldn’t open the door for her is that she had forgotten her keys 3 times already that week.

I would frame this up a life lesson about living with other people and tell her that now she has her own horror stories to share when others start talking about horrible flat mates.

She’s getting out and that’s the important thing.

How DARE you?????????

I think we've found a former bully here, ppl! ^

00feckingbollocks · 27/06/2021 13:15

@endofjune calm down. @Thatsjustwhatithink expressed an opinion. You don't agree with it. If you start flinging the bully word around it devalues it.

sleepwouldbenice · 27/06/2021 13:17

I would just keep it brief

Say that if they ever hear the subject of bullying ever being mentioned that they should be 100% in no doubt that they are bullies

And say that you have reported to the university. You don't have to do it but it will make them squirm

Then focus on helping your daughter move on. I am so sorry this has happened to her

bruffin · 27/06/2021 13:18

I think we've found a former bully here, ppl!
No just someone with a bit of commonsense

Nocutenamesleft · 27/06/2021 13:19

@Foxhasbigsocks

Your poor dd. Have worked at a uni and had involvement in a bullying case. I would encourage your dd to report too. It will hit home because they will be worried about references for jobs, even if they don’t get sanctioned.

In the case I’m aware of the students who had targeted one individual were certainly spoken to and the behaviour stopped. Can’t remember (long time ago) if they were formally reported and sanctioned.

I would say nothing and concentrate on persuading dd to report.

I love the immature replies

But in all honesty. This is a better one.

Report to the uni. Bet they’d soon stop when they realise their references might not be available

PerciphonePuma · 27/06/2021 13:19

@Atreus I'm gobsmacked that you've sat back and allowed your daughter to be abused for so long OP. I'd have grabbed hold of them a LONGGGGGG time ago

SmudgeButt · 27/06/2021 13:20

Can you find a place to leave some fish that will go undetected for a bit?? Not in her space obviously but in their loo behind that boiler or something??

Yes you should rise above it but it would be satisfying
.