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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

290 replies

Atreus · 27/06/2021 01:32

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

OP posts:
LadyDanburysCane · 27/06/2021 10:11

Whatever you do DON’T do anything like fish behind the radiators. Remember that your daughter is in the tenancy agreement and will lose her share if the deposit if there are any issues with the house.

DO take that days newspaper and, once her room is empty and spotlessly clean, take video of the room with the paper in it so she can show her room was left in good order.

We didn’t do that and were charged extra as her mattress somehow went missing between DD leaving and the final tenant leaving two weeks later.

MrsMaizel · 27/06/2021 10:13

@Atreus

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond...the turd in the kettle idea was my favourite Smile

The contract on the house for all 9 of them ends this week so they're all moving out otherwise the house sabotage suggestions would be very tempting. It's a very good point about deposits though as the bullies will leave the house a couple of days after DD1.

Re taking two to tango...I'm honestly not one of these 'my child can do no wrong' people. DD1 can be spiky when she feels injustice and her lack of social confidence can come across as seeming like she thinks she's superior. I'm sure in the beginning there was fault on both sides although it did seem to start from day 1 when one of them moved their things into the room allocated to DD1, and claimed not to remember the discussions where it was decided who had which room. But since the 'here are all the reasons we don't like you' house meeting in the first term, she's just tried to be as unobtrusive as possible and stay out of their way and just to be polite when she does see them. However they have actively sought her out to continue being mean, stop talking when she comes into the kitchen/laugh when she leaves etc. They're just vile.

I've looked up the Uni bullying policy and they seem to have a robust system for reporting, including anonymously so once today is over, I'll seriously consider that. DD1 told me last night that they've made racist, homophobic comments (about other people, not at her) so I worry what they could do/be doing to others. I know her other housemates have been shocked at how DD1 has been targeted and so would hopefully substantiate her experiences if necessary.

She has an intern year abroad now so hopefully she'll have the amazing time she deserves to have and by the time she comes back for her fourth and final year, this will seem all in the past. I do worry that this has caused emotional damage though.

I'll come back and let you know how it goes later. I suspect I won't see the bullies as they're cowards, in which case I won't seek them out. But I will ensure I'll bash around as loudly as possible. If I do see them though, I'm not sure I can stay quiet. Most unlike me, normally I hate a confrontation. Thank you again for all your comments.

Sadly I think you have left this all too late to make an official complaint if it were even entertained - it has been a year and she has continued to live there . I wouldn't encourage your daughter to even think about reporting any comments that they have said which she deems not acceptable . People are entitled to free speech within their own home and I suspect she is looking in her head for more "ammunition" against them . Encourage her to be the better person here and maybe you should have thought about speaking to them earlier ( despite what your daughter said ). I know I would have .
MrsMaizel · 27/06/2021 10:14

And yes I would take photos of the house and make it very obvious you are doing so .

SnoopyLights · 27/06/2021 10:15

If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

I'm sorry they have put her through this, and I understand completely why you would want to say something to them.

But I feel it's unlikely they will listen to you now. They are likely to laugh at you and her all over again.

If they do grow up a bit, they will come to that feeling of regret and shame in their own time. That will happen no matter what you do or say now.

If they don't mature enough to reflect on their behaviour, nothing you say will ever make them care, not now or in the future when (if) they think back to how they have treated your daughter.

Some people are immature and nasty, especially in a group setting where they find others like them and feed off each other and egg each other on. And a lot of them don't change, which is why there are threads on here about cliques in the work place or at the school gate.

But some people will eventually grow up and realise how badly they have treated other people.

I imagine they are all leaving the house and won't be returning. Hopefully she will never have to see them again.

It's not the same because it was only three days and not a year, but when I was about 23 and fairly new in the workplace, I was in a training session of approximately 30 people. One loudmouthed dickhead who must have been in his late 30's decided to make my life a misery for those three days because I was quiet and wore glasses. He would call me names like "the librarian" or the inevitable "Deirdre Barlow" and make snide remarks or volunteer me to answer questions or do the role play.

I hated him. Still do (although it's been years since I thought about him). But I did my best not to raise to it or show him he was getting to me at the time.

And at the end of the training, we were told that the exam would be marked immediately. Those who passed could leave early. Those who failed would have to stay back and complete a short 'refresher' session and do the exam again.

He was desperate to leave early (and go to the pub). He even tried to get everyone to agree to miss the lunch break so we could finish the training and get to the exam earlier, so he could leave and start his afternoon out at the pub.

He was so confident that he would pass. And then I got the highest mark in the exam, he failed, and I made sure I gave him a big smile and wave as I left first and he went back in for his refresher and second exam. Someone else I knew also had to stay back for that, and they told me that he failed the second exam as well, so would not get the qualification and would have to come back in six months to try again.

So, that's my long winded way of saying the best thing your daughter can do is rise above them, they are scum, and no matter what they go on to do, her best revenge is just being herself and going on with her Uni course, doing her best, and forgetting all about them as best she can.

It's unfair and it will probably stick with her, but after tomorrow she might never see them again, and although they might stick with her as an unhappy memory, that will fade in time and she is the better person. They have to live with themselves / each other. But the best way to deal with it now is to leave with her head held high and maintaining a dignified silence and give them nothing else to feed off.

Tell her to watch the Sarah Millican video on receiving fan mail from her school bully. That sort of payback might not ever present itself to her but who knows. In the future she might be in a position to take a little bit of satisfaction from how things turn out, even if it is just in knowing she won't ever be as shitty a person as they are.

Budapestdreams · 27/06/2021 10:22

I'm so sorry your DD has had to endure this. Some uni students are very much still like adolescents, they only think about themselves. I doubt they see themselves as bullies and would be quite shocked to be told that they are. Most unis are trying to be proactive about mental health so I hope they would do something if this was reported to them.

bruffin · 27/06/2021 10:23

I really dont think most posters have read all of OP theyve read the word Bully
and projected. I dont think they have behaved well and have been really childish, but its obvious op's dd has not either.
Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc none of these are bullying if op's dd has constantly left her washing out, or forgotten the keys.

newnortherner111 · 27/06/2021 10:25

Definitely take photos to save the deposit.

SoupDragon · 27/06/2021 10:27

@mam0918

How do you know all this?

Im guessing from your daughter which is one bias side of the story, I bet theres actually far more too it and she isnt completely innocent in the whole thing - your daughter told you to leave it so leave it.

Seriously?? If your child said they were being bullied, you would say "well, you must have done something to deserve it" and ignore it?
thegreylady · 27/06/2021 10:27

I wouldn’t be able to resist saying something to them.
I think it must be your dd who writes to the relevant university authorities in case these wretched people cause distress to someone else next year.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/06/2021 10:28

Some of the victim blaming on here is disgusting, you wouldn’t say that if a person had been sexually assaulted, but when it comes to bullying people really do have a blind spot, it’s always the victims who have to “grow up” and not the bullies themselves. Really makes me wonder about these posters.

bruffin · 27/06/2021 10:34

Seriously?? If your child said they were being bullied, you would say "well, you must have done something to deserve it" and ignore it?

I wouldn't ignore them , but ive seen too many people claim their child is being bullied , but their child is really not the innocent party.

bruffin · 27/06/2021 10:35

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Some of the victim blaming on here is disgusting, you wouldn’t say that if a person had been sexually assaulted, but when it comes to bullying people really do have a blind spot, it’s always the victims who have to “grow up” and not the bullies themselves. Really makes me wonder about these posters.
Victim blaming is a really ignorant phrase, life us very rarely that black and white
Atreus · 27/06/2021 10:38

Again thanks to everyone who's taken the time to share their thoughts.

I agree there are always 2 sides to any story and I've really encouraged DD1 to try and see things from the others side but I really don't think she's the nightmare housemate that some posters think she might be. At home she's super tidy and organised and responsible with her keys etc so whilst I can't be certain, I don't think she was a slob/irresponsible around their shared house, and this was the first time she'd locked herself out.

Anyway I picked her up this morning, I saw a couple of the housemates concerned and decided not to stoop to their level and so just blatantly ignored them. One of DD1 friends who was there when the boy confronted her last night came and said to me (whilst DD1 was putting stuff in the car) how awful it had been. She is in the room next door and had seen/heard it. She said he knocked on the door, and when DD1 opened it, he wedged his foot in the door and was just really unpleasant and intimidating. The friend had gone to tell him and his friends who were egging him on from the bottom of the stairs they were out of order but they'd all been drinking and just laughed in her face.

We took photos of her room and sent them to the landlord, so thanks for that advice. And I've spoken to DD1 about considering utilising the Uni bullying policy. My concern is that several of these guys coach fresher sports teams and what if they take the same approach with someone who is more vulnerable and doesn't have a strong home/other friends support system.

Anyway, my job now is just to make sure that DD1 is ok. I'm proud of how she has handled this.

(I still wish I'd put a turd in the kettle though)

OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 27/06/2021 10:38

I think you should report this to the university. Who is to say that another roommate won’t move in and be bullied? Maybe that person won’t be able to move and then what?

You need to report people like this and let the university deal with them according to their code of conduct.

And they are assholes. That is clear.

Carboholic · 27/06/2021 10:41

If they are at the same uni as your daughter, she might be able to report it to the university and have them deal with it through their disciplinary procedures.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/06/2021 10:42

I wouldn't want DD to cause trouble to the landlord, I'd be tempted to tell her to pour canned fish juice over their washing or some laxative in their milk, take all the loo roll with her. Grin
What a horrible experience it'll be hard to forget.

WanderleyWagon · 27/06/2021 10:45

I like porridgecake's very practical advice. And I'd favour the head-held-high approach - nastiness should generally be de-escalated rather than fuel being poured on the fire! (While of course prioritising your daughter's wellbeing).

I work in a university, and have vivid memories of being both a difficult housemate and having difficult housemates in private rentals. Hard lessons can be useful. Support your daughter, ignore the assholes she lives with.

Theunamedcat · 27/06/2021 10:50

I had this in high school with my dd after she left her bullies approached me saying aww sowwey your ikkle baby couldn't take it hope she didn't cut too deep (dd is a self harmer) I just said do fuck off child send your dad over let the adults discuss this if your so keen strangly never heard of them again until one showed up at Dds new school as a victim of bullying she was apologetic but dd never trusted her as far as she could spit

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 10:50

@Atreus

Again thanks to everyone who's taken the time to share their thoughts.

I agree there are always 2 sides to any story and I've really encouraged DD1 to try and see things from the others side but I really don't think she's the nightmare housemate that some posters think she might be. At home she's super tidy and organised and responsible with her keys etc so whilst I can't be certain, I don't think she was a slob/irresponsible around their shared house, and this was the first time she'd locked herself out.

Anyway I picked her up this morning, I saw a couple of the housemates concerned and decided not to stoop to their level and so just blatantly ignored them. One of DD1 friends who was there when the boy confronted her last night came and said to me (whilst DD1 was putting stuff in the car) how awful it had been. She is in the room next door and had seen/heard it. She said he knocked on the door, and when DD1 opened it, he wedged his foot in the door and was just really unpleasant and intimidating. The friend had gone to tell him and his friends who were egging him on from the bottom of the stairs they were out of order but they'd all been drinking and just laughed in her face.

We took photos of her room and sent them to the landlord, so thanks for that advice. And I've spoken to DD1 about considering utilising the Uni bullying policy. My concern is that several of these guys coach fresher sports teams and what if they take the same approach with someone who is more vulnerable and doesn't have a strong home/other friends support system.

Anyway, my job now is just to make sure that DD1 is ok. I'm proud of how she has handled this.

(I still wish I'd put a turd in the kettle though)

Something feels off about this. Who starts a conversation about bullying in front of someone's mum rather than WhatsApp them or something? If the person just let you daughter get bullied by a lad and not say anything at the time it just feels weird that they'd then go quite bold like this. Was this housemate part of the conversation when the other housemates told you DD that they all didn't like her? And didn't say anything then either?

Course I could be completely wrong, but house disputes usually come about from different ways of living and that only becoming apparent once you start living together. They must have been friends before?

CafetiereOrEspressino · 27/06/2021 10:50

Hi, I didn't read pp. I work at a university. Please ask your daughter to first go to a gp for a record of her mental health. She should write down all instances she can recall. Then she should go to the uni counselling service. She needs to raise a formal complaint (if at a collegiate uni, through college first, who will contact relevant course directors) against these students. She mustn't let them get away with it, and we take bullying very seriously. The kind of behaviour you described could lead to expelling from the course, and they need to know that.

Ednadidit · 27/06/2021 10:52

I lived in a situation like this in my second year of uni. It was awful and really affected my mental health. I left as soon as my exams were over in May and went home for the summer to lick my wounds. Never looked back, never saw them again. I wouldn’t recommend ripping them a new one because they’re not mature enough to get it - it’s just something else for them to mock and laugh at.

I think I left raw fish in the oven or the bin or something because it was a hot week when I left and they were all away. That way it stank when they returned and they had to clean it, but it wasn’t permanent damage that would have affected my deposit.

Some poster earlier was asking why your daughter didn’t just move out - once you’ve signed a tenancy agreement for the year and you’re only 20, living on a student loan… how, exactly, do you suggest that she moves out early? 🙄

Good luck to your daughter, OP. It might take her a while to build herself up again but it’s over now.

Audo · 27/06/2021 10:52

Your main concern is taking care of your daughter. Do you know of any reason why she was picked on? If so can you try to teach her how to keep herself safe in future?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/06/2021 10:52

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Some of the victim blaming on here is disgusting, you wouldn’t say that if a person had been sexually assaulted, but when it comes to bullying people really do have a blind spot, it’s always the victims who have to “grow up” and not the bullies themselves. Really makes me wonder about these posters.
Jesus Christ. Don’t ever compare housemates putting some washing on the floor with sexual assault again.
CafetiereOrEspressino · 27/06/2021 10:56

Ps, if you took photos, email them to yourself so there's proof of date

Kanaloa · 27/06/2021 11:00

I see, so there was drinking involved as well. To be honest they sound like losers, what 20 year old man wants to intimidate a young woman in that fashion? Hopefully your daughter can put them behind her and see them for what they are.