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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

290 replies

Atreus · 27/06/2021 01:32

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

OP posts:
Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 11:01

@Ednadidit

I lived in a situation like this in my second year of uni. It was awful and really affected my mental health. I left as soon as my exams were over in May and went home for the summer to lick my wounds. Never looked back, never saw them again. I wouldn’t recommend ripping them a new one because they’re not mature enough to get it - it’s just something else for them to mock and laugh at.

I think I left raw fish in the oven or the bin or something because it was a hot week when I left and they were all away. That way it stank when they returned and they had to clean it, but it wasn’t permanent damage that would have affected my deposit.

Some poster earlier was asking why your daughter didn’t just move out - once you’ve signed a tenancy agreement for the year and you’re only 20, living on a student loan… how, exactly, do you suggest that she moves out early? 🙄

Good luck to your daughter, OP. It might take her a while to build herself up again but it’s over now.

Wow. I can see why they may not have enjoyed your presence of you pull childish shit like leaving rotton food in a house. Flies? Maggots? I bet the other housemates were A OK with you gone.
Original poster
Atreus · 27/06/2021 11:03

Something feels off about this. Who starts a conversation about bullying in front of someone's mum rather than WhatsApp them or something? If the person just let you daughter get bullied by a lad and not say anything at the time it just feels weird that they'd then go quite bold like this. Was this housemate part of the conversation when the other housemates told you DD that they all didn't like her? And didn't say anything then either?

@Thatsjustwhatithink DD1's friend confronted the housemates last night just after it happened. She just told me this morning, when I saw her as I was helping move stuff out of DD1's room, that it was unprovoked and really unpleasant and that she was also unsettled by it all.

DD1's friends in the house have stood up for her when the others have held these 'house meetings'.

OP posts:
cherrybonbons · 27/06/2021 11:05

I haven't read all the messages but have all your updates.
I would say in concern to those who are saying DD is a nightmare house mate. NO ONE deserves the treatment your DD has endured. Regardless of her behaviour.
Yes it's tricky living with people and I certainly couldn't live with some of my best friends. But to actively seek your daughter out and make her life hell, does not sound like she was a nightmare house mate. It sounds exactly like what it is. Bullying. Hopefully her year abroad will help her

Original poster
Atreus · 27/06/2021 11:07

Anyway, hopefully we can draw a line under it all now and she can move on. I've moved from feeling furious to just pitying them. I really appreciate everyone's perspective, even though I haven't agreed with them all. It's really helped me to work out how best to support her without undermining her independence.

OP posts:
GingerScallop · 27/06/2021 11:12

@Thatsjustwhatithink Perhaps they felt like talking to a grown up who would be on her side. Perhaps they feared if they intervened they would be victims too. This person might also have been emboldened seeing mum take pics, and because they are all leaving and will be going into new accommodation. In any case, that person can be cited as a witness. And based on the info we have, there is no point blaming her unless info to the contrary comes ups. As for whatsapp, its DD's housemate and she might not have had her mother's whatsapp. So I really dont see anything off with her going to the mum and saying something at this point.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/06/2021 11:15

Jesus Christ.
Don’t ever compare housemates putting some washing on the floor with sexual assault again.

I didn’t. Although let’s face it someone putting their foot in your door drunk and being aggressive is a whisker away from a grope. I was comparing people’s reactions on here, too many saying there are 2 sides to the story and assuming the DD has done something to deserve this treatment and excusing the bully.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 11:23

@Atreus

Something feels off about this. Who starts a conversation about bullying in front of someone's mum rather than WhatsApp them or something? If the person just let you daughter get bullied by a lad and not say anything at the time it just feels weird that they'd then go quite bold like this. Was this housemate part of the conversation when the other housemates told you DD that they all didn't like her? And didn't say anything then either?

@Thatsjustwhatithink DD1's friend confronted the housemates last night just after it happened. She just told me this morning, when I saw her as I was helping move stuff out of DD1's room, that it was unprovoked and really unpleasant and that she was also unsettled by it all.

DD1's friends in the house have stood up for her when the others have held these 'house meetings'.

This is a bit of drip feed. She's now got other housemates who have stood up for her? I'm just saying it's convenient that your DDs friend just happens to bring up the exact scenario with no reasons for why it happened at exactly the time you were there with your DD...but completely support your version of the events. I just think that most friends wouldn't bring this up in front of their friends parent knowing that it was sensitive...or that they should have stepped in. Like you're just randomly putting boxes in your mums mate car whilst your mates there and drop in some huge altercation? But not in private with said friend.. or over WhatsApp together??
Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 11:26

[quote GingerScallop]@Thatsjustwhatithink Perhaps they felt like talking to a grown up who would be on her side. Perhaps they feared if they intervened they would be victims too. This person might also have been emboldened seeing mum take pics, and because they are all leaving and will be going into new accommodation. In any case, that person can be cited as a witness. And based on the info we have, there is no point blaming her unless info to the contrary comes ups. As for whatsapp, its DD's housemate and she might not have had her mother's whatsapp. So I really dont see anything off with her going to the mum and saying something at this point.[/quote]
Witness? This isn't crown court it's some 20 year olds who have fallen out in student living accommodation for reasons we don't know. We don't know the background and it's a houses share so I'm betting that each housemate has pissed each other off rather than being one person (in this case the OPs daughter) being completely blameless

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/06/2021 11:35

I think if I’d heard my housemate getting harassed I would absolutely comment on it, who wouldn’t? Convenient my arse. These bullies have some really windfall allies on here.

bruffin · 27/06/2021 11:36

Sinisterbundtface
You are only hearing one side of the story from someone who only heard their dds side.
There is always 2 sides to everything

MrsMaizel · 27/06/2021 11:38

@CafetiereOrEspressino

Hi, I didn't read pp. I work at a university. Please ask your daughter to first go to a gp for a record of her mental health. She should write down all instances she can recall. Then she should go to the uni counselling service. She needs to raise a formal complaint (if at a collegiate uni, through college first, who will contact relevant course directors) against these students. She mustn't let them get away with it, and we take bullying very seriously. The kind of behaviour you described could lead to expelling from the course, and they need to know that.
@Atreus I would think carefully about the stress on your daughter on going through a formal complaint as to the benefits of her mental health of moving on and having a fresh new start . It's very much a he said/she said scenario because many people will not get involved . Having been through an NHS complaint procedure it can drag on for months and take its toll in another way .
HalzTangz · 27/06/2021 11:38

I personally would get a small gift for the nice house mates, maybe mini box chocolates each. Just as you leave call all the housemates for a quick house meeting. Then give the chocolates to all but the two couples, and calmly say they were excluded, it doesn't feel nice does it, bye

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/06/2021 11:38

@SinisterBumFacedCat

*Jesus Christ. Don’t ever compare housemates putting some washing on the floor with sexual assault again.*

I didn’t. Although let’s face it someone putting their foot in your door drunk and being aggressive is a whisker away from a grope. I was comparing people’s reactions on here, too many saying there are 2 sides to the story and assuming the DD has done something to deserve this treatment and excusing the bully.

In cases of disgruntled housemates, there ARE two sides to every story. Your comparing it to sexual assault minimises the crime of sexual assault and is wholly offensive.
Holly60 · 27/06/2021 11:45

I also would not appeal to their consciences. Instead I’d go in there and loudly speak to your daughter about who she wants to invite to the villa this year and what new (and expensive) car she wants because Daddy has said it’s time she had one. Finish by saying ‘right darling, I’m taking you out to (x expensive restaurant) my treat, and did you still want to do that spa day on Friday?’ Finally, if you see any of them make sure you throw a contemptuous look and say ‘gosh you’re are an odd looking young man aren’t you, did you mean for your hair to look like that??’

DishingOutDone · 27/06/2021 11:45

as many of you have rightly pointed out, she's a young adult, not 7, and so she wanted to try and resolve the situation herself without mummy and daddy jumping in

This rubbish, I see it on so many threads. If your sister was 35 and going through this wouldnt you want to help? Or would you just nod smugly and say "2 sides to every story". No wonder bullies thrive. So it seems she's out of it now OP, but I would have told the people directly involved if you hear one more word you will involve the police and are reporting them to the uni. Even if you aren't. There was never any reason for your DD to have put up with a year of this but regardless I hope she's ok now.

TillyTopper · 27/06/2021 11:56

Why on earth didn't you help her move out? However, now I would not be saying anything. I think it could shatter her confidence in your so she doesn't confide in you. I'd consider revenge though, leave DD's room perfect but fish under a bathroom floorboard, dead rat in shower heard...

Scaredycatmoo76 · 27/06/2021 11:59

Op

What was school like for you dd?

Original poster
Atreus · 27/06/2021 12:02

@Scaredycatmoo76 School was fine for her. Not in the cool group but a good group of friends

OP posts:
Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 12:03

@Holly60

I also would not appeal to their consciences. Instead I’d go in there and loudly speak to your daughter about who she wants to invite to the villa this year and what new (and expensive) car she wants because Daddy has said it’s time she had one. Finish by saying ‘right darling, I’m taking you out to (x expensive restaurant) my treat, and did you still want to do that spa day on Friday?’ Finally, if you see any of them make sure you throw a contemptuous look and say ‘gosh you’re are an odd looking young man aren’t you, did you mean for your hair to look like that??’
So you'd make up a load of nonsense that makes your daughter look both ridiculous and entitled...and think that it will help her in any way. Then (as a full grown adult and parent) make nasty comments about the looks of the others? How in your world does this help any one?

Or...the parent could realise that 9 young adults living together over a period of covid may not go swimmingly and accept that it's entirely possible that both sides my not be blameless. Your DDs housemates focused in on her washing and keys (that you know about) clearly there was an issue here. As your daughter gets older she needs to learn how to manage conflict and self reflect. As do the others.

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/06/2021 12:04

Christ imagine being that immature at aged 20 that you have to bully someone in your household.

I'd be horrified if I was one of their parents.

bruffin · 27/06/2021 12:04

I'd consider revenge though, leave DD's room perfect but fish under a bathroom floorboard, dead rat in shower heard
As previously pointed out, they are all moving out and the only one it would affect is the landlord.

RandomMess · 27/06/2021 12:06

Please get DD to report them and hopefully her friends will also provide back up evidence.

The uni can and will take action if possible.
They will find new victims because that is their mentality.

Thanks for your DD.

Cam2020 · 27/06/2021 12:08

Well done for keeping so calm and dignified. I hope your daughter's OK.

How utterly pathetic of those young adults to be behaving luke a bunch of 13 year olds. They'll get what they deserve sonewhere along the line.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/06/2021 12:08

In cases of disgruntled housemates, there ARE two sides to every story.
Your comparing it to sexual assault minimises the crime of sexual assault and is wholly offensive.

It is bullying not disgruntled housemates. Being bullied is traumatic, it has lifelong mental health consequences for some. I have been a victim of both bullying and sexual assault so I know. I am minimising neither, but comparing how other people have responded with regards to blaming the victim. I can absolutely see in the ops DD there is a massive power imbalance (2 couples who can back each other up, the men are athletic sports coaches in the uni) and of course this is not a big standard housemates disagreeing, it is vile targeted bullying.

Wellwhatalovelyday · 27/06/2021 12:09

My daughter also had a year of uni ruined by some absolute scumbags, sounds similar. I wish I’d told them what I thought of them tbh.