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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

290 replies

Atreus · 27/06/2021 01:32

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

OP posts:
Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 20:40

@SinisterBumFacedCat

a lad told her he didn't like her.

He put his foot in the door at 11pm and was drunk and aggressive. Stop minimising their behaviour.

The OP said in her post "Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing"

You can try and make that sound like he was mega aggressive but it just comes across as a bit lame. This is also only one side of it, I'd just be interested in why it all fell apart. At uni you move in with your mates, it's not actually that normal to move in as a 9 people group these days (landlords make more money off soliiting properties into smaller flats) so they must have all liked each other.

I'm just saying that it's stupid young adults, not horrific bullying.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/06/2021 20:45

From the OPs post today at 10.38

She is in the room next door and had seen/heard it. She said he knocked on the door, and when DD1 opened it, he wedged his foot in the door and was just really unpleasant and intimidating.

a8mint · 27/06/2021 20:56

2 couples in a house of 9 chatting, doed not constitute a house meeting fgs! If your dd and her friends weren't there, how does she even know if they were talking about her.
I think the prickly nature and aloof attitude might go a long way to explaining why your dd has rubbed people up the wrong way

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 27/06/2021 21:01

@a8mint - the OP says: "calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her," - sounds as if all the house mates were present.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:02

I think we just have to accept we view this differently. The daughter and the friends recollection differ but that's quite normal. But, someone told the OPs daughter he didn't like her. But again, big group of friends, now not at all. The likelihood is that they didn't get on living together. Which again is perfectly normal, just think of all the time your family irritate you at home. But I don't like this pile on from one side, where we have the blameless OP's DD and then 'the mean kids'. It's just a ridiculous narrative of good v bad rather than "it didn't work out". Life's not that cut and dry.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:05

[quote Jaichangecentfoisdenom]@a8mint - the OP says: "calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her," - sounds as if all the house mates were present.[/quote]
But this is from one side. The other side could have called the meeting to say "we really are annoyed at you not hanging your washing/losing your keys or whatever" we have absolutely no idea how this meeting went or who attended it so deciding that the DDs mum has the scoop is just silly

Cowbells · 27/06/2021 21:07

But what 'bullying' is there?

@Thatsjustwhatithink if your co workers locked you out of your own office, knocked on your door late at night, drunk and put their foot in the door so you couldn't close it while they told you how much they disliked you, if they fell silent whenever you walked into a room and giggled every time you walked out, how long do you think it would be before you started to feel bullied by this behaviour?

seepingweeping · 27/06/2021 21:10

I would definitely have said something, I couldn't not in that sort of situation.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 27/06/2021 21:10

@Thatsjustwhatithink - I was responding to someone who appeared to think that the OP's daughter and her friends were not present at the house meetings.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:13

[quote Jaichangecentfoisdenom]@Thatsjustwhatithink - I was responding to someone who appeared to think that the OP's daughter and her friends were not present at the house meetings.[/quote]
Sorry -I think I replied to the wrong person

NewLifeInTheSouth · 27/06/2021 21:19

Agree with you Thatsjustwhatithink

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:24

@Cowbells

But what 'bullying' is there?

@Thatsjustwhatithink if your co workers locked you out of your own office, knocked on your door late at night, drunk and put their foot in the door so you couldn't close it while they told you how much they disliked you, if they fell silent whenever you walked into a room and giggled every time you walked out, how long do you think it would be before you started to feel bullied by this behaviour?

Firstly they are not at work. They are at home, like any shared housing. They are mates (or were) not in the office with all the norms of working relationships. How I talk/act at work is different from at home.

I'm trying to say that all this could have happened, but also that there was a reason or that the DD could have also been engaging in similar behaviour. We don't know. So I'm not blindly going to believe that 'blameless' DD is being 'bullied' without understanding more. Why did they talk to her about the washing and keys? Why have house meetings to try and find a way forward? Clearly something isn't right and there's been an attempt to point it out.

Also if we've also been a bit stupid/childish we don't tend to tell our mum that. Everyone want to go with "no mum, I am your perfect darling, it's the others that are meanies" but I'm just questioning that narrative when there is no attempt to figure out why the house relationship fell apart.

Overall I probably think both sides have been childish, but you know what? They are in the 2nd year of uni..away from home first time...global pandemic...they don't have to role model perfect work behaviour in their own house. They will make mistakes (both sides).

TheWatersofMarch · 27/06/2021 21:34

Wow what a toxic group of people. There will be one psychopathic personality who manipulated the others into bullying your DD. She will have been singled out as the target because the protagonist may have felt she would not ve their puppet. I think it's best that you say nothing and help your DD put it behind her and believe that this is unusual and pathological group behaviour. The puppets, once out of the psychopaths grasp, will feel guilty and I bet you some reach out to her. You sound like a lovely Mum with a close bond with your DD.

Original poster
Atreus · 27/06/2021 21:39

@a8mint

2 couples in a house of 9 chatting, doed not constitute a house meeting fgs! If your dd and her friends weren't there, how does she even know if they were talking about her. I think the prickly nature and aloof attitude might go a long way to explaining why your dd has rubbed people up the wrong way
It wasn't 2 couples chatting amongst themselves and deciding they didn't like her. This was the couples calling house meetings of all 9 of them and then giving a list of issues they had with DD1. The other 4 in the house would tell them they were being unreasonable, ask why these issues were targeted at DD1, why this didn't also apply to them etc

We don't go through life liking everyone we meet or spend time with but this is no justification for being unkind. I also know from my own student days that sharing houses can be challenging. Add in lock downs, lack of face to face lectures, limited chances to socialise etc and it becomes even harder. But normally people fall out, have a house meeting, make up and move on. This didn't happen in this case. After the house meetings, the couples would say all was now ok they'd got things off their chest but then would stop talking every time she came into the communal kitchen, she'd say hello and they'd ignore her, when she'd leave the room they'd laugh. When this happens day in day out, it made her feel uncomfortable in her own home, even though the other housemates were supportive.

Anyway, to those of you who feel DD1 has overblown/deserved the situation I'm not going to be able to convince you otherwise and so am going to step away from the thread now. To those of you who offered helpful advice and shared your experiences, Thanks, it really made a difference. And those of you who suggested kippers, kettle turds etc, I never would have suggested DD1 take this approach but it did make me smile at a time when I was anxious and concerned so thank you.

OP posts:
Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:46

@TheWatersofMarch

Wow what a toxic group of people. There will be one psychopathic personality who manipulated the others into bullying your DD. She will have been singled out as the target because the protagonist may have felt she would not ve their puppet. I think it's best that you say nothing and help your DD put it behind her and believe that this is unusual and pathological group behaviour. The puppets, once out of the psychopaths grasp, will feel guilty and I bet you some reach out to her. You sound like a lovely Mum with a close bond with your DD.
Sorry but this is baffling. You can't diagnose psychopathy, narcissism and pathological disorders having never met them and only getting someone's mum's side of the story.
LemonPeonies · 27/06/2021 21:51

Oh I wouldn't be calm about it if it was my child! Sew some prawns in the curtains, hide a poo somewhere. Personally I'd mess up the boiler and plumbing. Wish I wasn't too knackered to think of clever tricks!

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 21:59

Hmm. Your DD (or how you've heard it) has created a great story: she's done nothing wrong, other people support her, evil protagonists "the couples"... all without us ever knowing the source of discontent. Odd that the focus is so on the two couples. Did someone fancy someone else?

Apparently it foesn't matter about why the house meeting were called or what they pointed out, no mind about the keys, washing etc.

Truthfully OP, I'm also very lucky to have a mum that would support me to the very end (like how it sounds you are for your DD). But the best thing my mum ever did was try to get me to look at things from the perspective of others and see if my behaviour had something to be desired.

Rob87 · 27/06/2021 22:06

If it’s a house of 9 and four support the DD and it’s two couples against her then it’s 5 on her side against 4. Seems strange as there would be more for her than against her - not really the classic bullying situation. Sounds more like she’s had a problem with the two couples.

lurkingfromhome · 27/06/2021 22:22

@Holly60

I also would not appeal to their consciences. Instead I’d go in there and loudly speak to your daughter about who she wants to invite to the villa this year and what new (and expensive) car she wants because Daddy has said it’s time she had one. Finish by saying ‘right darling, I’m taking you out to (x expensive restaurant) my treat, and did you still want to do that spa day on Friday?’ Finally, if you see any of them make sure you throw a contemptuous look and say ‘gosh you’re are an odd looking young man aren’t you, did you mean for your hair to look like that??’
Jesus. Are you 12?
HollowTalk · 27/06/2021 22:29

I hope your daughter takes this further. It sounds as though the other (nice) ones in the place will back her up. It's really shocking that privileged young adults like that can treat other people like that.

Userg1234 · 27/06/2021 22:31

Wow I love how some people think your daughter is to blame. Thankfully being working class scum...day one I would have kicked the shit out of the make ringleaders....have threatened a female friends stalker recently...prison would be a school reunionWink

ivgotbills · 27/06/2021 22:38

Genuinely thought this was a 7YO doing a knock an run to say I don't like you ner ner "" but sadly not
So
Before she leaves. Put some super stinky fish around their house. Give them a ton of verbal abuse, accidentally fall and spill your drink on their shoes (if their at the door or something) and walk out laughing with yourself DD :)

Then reply ooops, we can all be silly kids cat we ???
HA !!!!!!

DeflatedGinDrinker · 27/06/2021 22:39

I'd be thinking up some revenge to do before leaving.

Logmein · 27/06/2021 22:48

Victim blaming at its finest! Jeez.
OP I work with uni students and unfortunately this is very common, I hope some people start to realise that this is one of the reasons that we lose so many of our amazing young people because they can’t take it anymore and are not experienced enough to deal with it, young adults who many times don’t feel they can speak to their parents as they are not kids anymore but also feel helpless and alone.
Always report to uni and you did the right thing in ignoring the bullies.

Ozanj · 27/06/2021 22:51

Go straight to the uni. Bullying can get them expelled

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