To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

[Atreus]

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

D1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again.

They might happen to meet again, or they might end up knowing someone new that she meets, and say to any future potential friends that her mum confronted them etc and twist it to make it seem bad. So it could still make things worse in future with other people she might meet. Don't say anything, IMHO.

calm down

If I was any calmer I would be dead but nice try at trying to paint me as hysterical

No I do think saying someone has brought their child up all wrong and she therefore deserves to be bullied - over something she didn’t even say - is thoroughly nasty.

You don't know the housemates side of the story.

Either way, they'll still see her about and she'll have mutual friends no doubt, so don't humiliate her further by getting involved. Maybe just leave some raw fish behind a radiator.

[quote endofjune]@Thatsjustwhatithink tbh on a thread about bullying you are really bordering on it yourself.

You’ve accused the OP of setting a bad example to her DD growing up for considering trashing the house - except the OP hasn’t once suggested this might be something she would do. It was other posters.

You’ve also bordered on troll hunting.

I’m not remotely interested in a pompous and long winded response so don’t bother. It just doesn’t surprise me that you have sided with the bullies based on your posts here [/quote]
We have different opinions. That is something that people (and young adults) need to get used to. It doesn't always have to mean that people can't coexist. Or they go their different ways. But there isn't always a black and white situation of "you're right, you're wrong".

I'm not siding with "bullies' because we don't have a rounded view of the situation, just one side.

That’s actually a more considered response than I expected @Thatsjustwhatithink so respect to you for that.

The op did not at any point suggest she was thinking of leaving fish/milk etc however. I do think it’s most unfair to judge her daughter based on an upbringing based on this.

I can entirely understand why the friend made reference to the bullying when she saw OP and not before - 1) she probably doesn't have contact details for OP, so wouldn't have been able to do so before, but took advantage of seeing OP face to face to tell her what she'd seen; and 2) she's also about to leave the shared house, so there's unlikely to be any backlash from the bullies in the short time frame left.

I don't see why that's hard to work out. Some people just can't deal with the possibility that bullies exist and will bully others for no good reason. It happens - and some people don't grow up until they're way past university age.

I used to work in a place that had a huge intake of new graduates for a couple of years - the first year, we were a disparate lot, came from all over. The second year we had a group from one particular university, who mostly knew each other. Actual graduates, so at least 21/22. I witnessed some of the most immature schoolyard behaviour from them, that I wouldn't have expected at their age, including bullying of a younger staff member, including ostracising them, trying to get their friends to ostracise them too or risk being ostracised themselves, namecalling and laughing rudely when they spoke. The younger staff member was distraught - but had done nothing, apart from NOT be in their university group, and be in a different department. That was it. Pathetic behaviour.

If they flatmates are part of university, ask your daughter to keep evidence and report them to the university. Good luck with the move

@endofjune

That’s actually a more considered response than I expected *@Thatsjustwhatithink* so respect to you for that.

The op did not at any point suggest she was thinking of leaving fish/milk etc however. I do think it’s most unfair to judge her daughter based on an upbringing based on this.

But it's not judging, it's realising that we only have one side of a story, which quite frankly all sounds a bit immature. 9 or 10 young adults in a house and some don't get on, why is that shocking? But if a adult child tells a parent that her housemates hate her due to washing and keys, I'd be trying to find out a bit more. My mum's eyebrows would have disappeared into her hairline.

But long term, young adults need to learn to deal with conflict and that they won't agree with everyone, nor get on with everyone. This will happen in the workplace and being mature enough to reflect on your own behaviour is a huge skill for uni grads. I see it at work a lot now, young people simply not able to deal with challenge- either to their own beliefs or to feedback on how they are doing. These are core skills gained in your childhood and young adult life. But what never helps is mum or dad taking over or claiming their little one is blameless. Nor does claiming bullying without knowing a bit more. Encouraging your adult child to have a think about how their actions would be perceived is always a winner. You can be supportive and provide challenge to people, but not so much these days. I don't think that's a positive.

In your situation I’d be tempted to push whichever one of them is nearby down the stairs, but I wouldn’t.

If your DD has evidence though I would be reporting it to the university. They sound vile. Bullying isn’t acceptable, but at that age? Nasty and pathetic.

If you know who they are maybe have a word with their parents.

The main benefit in confronting them is that it will show DD you believe her and will have her back her under any circumstances. That is worth a lot, IMO.
But then again she has asked you not to say anything. So it makes it tricky.
I don't think the university will care, and obviously don't lower yourself to any kind of revenge actions.

Good luck OP. Remember that you are modelling rational, reasonable adult behaviour to your DD. You can show her how to deal with conflict and unpleasant people today. It's a very useful lesson for her. I hope it goes ok and that your DD has a better time next year.

@PerciphonePuma

That’s a bold statement considering I took no side in this situation, only advised the OP to consider all sides before acting. Especially considering the OP went on later to say it was possible her daughter may not have been the perfect housemate.

Perhaps you are the one that needs to step back and consider more sides to situations before jumping to conclusions and crying bully.

No wonder bullies thrive after reading some of the responses on here. 🙄

@sashh

No it's not. When will you people get it into your heads that this situation has nothing at all to do with the university where these people study, any more that it would have anything to do with Burger King if they all worked there.

And yet every uni has a policy on how students have to behave on and off campus. And students can face sanctions for their behaviour again on or off campus.

Actually many employers do have policies that impact on behaviour even when not at work.

You are correct, I know people who have been sacked from work places because of comments made on social media

Thanks @Budapestdreams, a grown up rationale approach was the exact approach I wanting to take.

For those of you questioning/wondering why I didn't do anything throughout the year...my initial post was not 'should I now start supporting her?' but 'I have bitten my tongue until now at her request but should I now say something to the housemates involved as they are all moving out?' We have supported DD all the way through this, both emotionally and with the offer of practical/financial support if she wanted to move out. She has been hugely appreciative but decided to stay.

We're back home now and she's just going to focus on having a great summer with her boyfriend and many other friends before she moves abroad for a year in September.

Glad she is back home now. For those saying people have to learn resilience it’s true, but also bullies have to learn their actions have consequences. Your DD should complain to the Uni and then go off and live her life, chances are she won’t meet them again and if she does they won’t have their supportive little gang in place to back them up. There is no excuse, even if at a stretch the suggestion of DD being messy or loosing things had an ounce of truth, so fucking what? In your life you will meet messy lazy people who loose things, they are far from the worst of humanity and if you can’t deal with this without resulting to being a bullying cunt then you have absolutely failed at coexisting. One day, you will travel and stay in hostels with messy roommates, you will have a teenage DC with a toxic room or care for an elderly relative with dementia and find yourself dealing with this on a regular basis and bullying will be as effective as pissing in the wind.

Take photos and videos when she moves out and immediately send to landlord so you have evidence of how she left things incase they trash the place

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Glad she is back home now. For those saying people have to learn resilience it’s true, but also bullies have to learn their actions have consequences. Your DD should complain to the Uni and then go off and live her life, chances are she won’t meet them again and if she does they won’t have their supportive little gang in place to back them up. There is no excuse, even if at a stretch the suggestion of DD being messy or loosing things had an ounce of truth, so fucking what? In your life you will meet messy lazy people who loose things, they are far from the worst of humanity and if you can’t deal with this without resulting to being a bullying cunt then you have absolutely failed at coexisting. One day, you will travel and stay in hostels with messy roommates, you will have a teenage DC with a toxic room or care for an elderly relative with dementia and find yourself dealing with this on a regular basis and bullying will be as effective as pissing in the wind.

But what 'bullying' is there? There's disagreement and childish behaviour but I think your reaction is over the top. Resulting to calling people 'bullying cunts' when all we've got is that some of the housemates moved her washing and that she wasn't let in when lost her keys, any that a lad told her he didn't like her. All without any context around what happened to cause any of this in the first place. Like where her other housemates were who she got on with when this happened.

I detest bullying, but think it's rightly a strong word. Labelling other kids bullies is wrong without really understanding what's going on.

I have travelled a lot, lived in all types of accomodation with others - in some pretty challenging environments and worked in a mix of public service - and yes of course there are bullies. But there are also people who just don't get on, disagree and that doesn't mean someone has to 'pay' or anything. I think it's sad that the DD didn't enjoy her houseshare to 6 months but it's not the end of the world. The other housemates could've been assholes, or they could've been equally glad to not have to live with the OP's DD anymore.

Surely calling a house meeting is exactly what should be done, if their is a dispute like this.

Don’t get involved. V unlikely to help DD or encourage her soon to be former housemates to behave differently.

@Thatsjustwhatithink I wasn't asking for people's opinion of whether her housemates' actions constituted bullying. That would have been a different, far longer post with much more background and many more examples. I don't have any question that this was the case. Her other housemates had no issues with her, felt the 2 couples have been out of order and have defended her at house meetings but still the bullying petty behaviour continued. I was asking for people's opinions about whether I should say something to the housemates involved after a year of keeping quiet. I'm glad I took the approach of not saying anything and so is DD.

"Wasn't it Michelle Obama who said "When they go low, you go high". I'm glad your DD is safe now. She is also lucky to have you to support her.

[quote Atreus]@Thatsjustwhatithink I wasn't asking for people's opinion of whether her housemates' actions constituted bullying. That would have been a different, far longer post with much more background and many more examples. I don't have any question that this was the case. Her other housemates had no issues with her, felt the 2 couples have been out of order and have defended her at house meetings but still the bullying petty behaviour continued. I was asking for people's opinions about whether I should say something to the housemates involved after a year of keeping quiet. I'm glad I took the approach of not saying anything and so is DD. [/quote]
I'm honestly glad for her now that's she's out of it, and I really do think you took the right approach. I'm also glad that the house share is over. But if you genuinely think your DD is completely inocent and her housemates have completely randomly done something to her washing them I'm not going to be able to change your mind. But if they are your top examples then I'm still saying it was just a house that didn't get on. What did your DD day when you asked why about the washing and the keys?

My opinion here was about trying to look at it from both sides, also that people telling you to leave fish, urine or human excrement (!) was just ridiculous...and not to do the 'my daughter was bullied' thing with the uni because that can suddenly end up with you finding out that DD may not have been completely honest and they are all disciplined (or none). Sometimes without the whole story you can end causing more damage.

Like I said (having working in student lettings) I've seen these things go very wrong when parents and students go nuclear. Parents screaming and all sorts was not unusual and it gave me a very different perspective of how people act in a houseshare....and quite frankly how dishonest a lot of students were to their parents!

But I wish her every bit of luck for her placement and the future

a lad told her he didn't like her.

He put his foot in the door at 11pm and was drunk and aggressive. Stop minimising their behaviour.