To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

[Atreus]

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

I would go to the uni and report them, much more likely to make a difference this way and get appropriate punishment. Giving them a piece of your mind will probably just be hilarious for them, and give them more ammunition to take the piss out of your DD

I absolutely wouldn't say anything to the students. I would think how to raise concerns with University authorities. Bullying in workplaces and education is a very big deal these days.

I have to say, I would consider such behaviour a SERIOUS behaviour breach.
I mean if behaviour on such a scale isn’t, what sort of bullying actually is? Do you need to wait until it gets physical?

@Crepescular
It is disgusting if true that a university wouldn’t take such allegations seriously. A student should be covered under mental health grounds at the very least.

Back in the day, such bullying happened to me. I moved out after one term before it reached this point. My crime, having been out every evening for 7 nights straight with my ‘housemates’ was to say that I was tired and would sit that evening out. In what way did that make me immature? Ffs. Nowadays, students are expected to take annual leases and the only choice is to put up or leave their degree courses.

Universities these days have become big business. Landlords including universities act like big businesses and as such they should intervene in some way to help students in such situations and extricate them from their annual rental agreements.

As for your comment about the police. Due to the fact these adults aren’t related, it cannot be considered domestic abuse. Perhaps domestic abuse needs reclassification. Not just for students but also to reflect the changing nature of rental agreements. Were this bullying encompassed within domestic abuse, op’s dd absolutely could go to the police.

How long until someone at a university commits suicide due to sustained bullying?

I was badly bullied at school so know what you DD is going through but it is far too late to take any action now. If you had wanted to do something meaningful that should have been done when this all kicked off.

I would not be able to help myself but I'm wondering how much interaction would your DD have with them in her final year? The strength of my behaviour would depend on that.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond...the turd in the kettle idea was my favourite

The contract on the house for all 9 of them ends this week so they're all moving out otherwise the house sabotage suggestions would be very tempting. It's a very good point about deposits though as the bullies will leave the house a couple of days after DD1.

Re taking two to tango...I'm honestly not one of these 'my child can do no wrong' people. DD1 can be spiky when she feels injustice and her lack of social confidence can come across as seeming like she thinks she's superior. I'm sure in the beginning there was fault on both sides although it did seem to start from day 1 when one of them moved their things into the room allocated to DD1, and claimed not to remember the discussions where it was decided who had which room. But since the 'here are all the reasons we don't like you' house meeting in the first term, she's just tried to be as unobtrusive as possible and stay out of their way and just to be polite when she does see them. However they have actively sought her out to continue being mean, stop talking when she comes into the kitchen/laugh when she leaves etc. They're just vile.

I've looked up the Uni bullying policy and they seem to have a robust system for reporting, including anonymously so once today is over, I'll seriously consider that. DD1 told me last night that they've made racist, homophobic comments (about other people, not at her) so I worry what they could do/be doing to others. I know her other housemates have been shocked at how DD1 has been targeted and so would hopefully substantiate her experiences if necessary.

She has an intern year abroad now so hopefully she'll have the amazing time she deserves to have and by the time she comes back for her fourth and final year, this will seem all in the past. I do worry that this has caused emotional damage though.

I'll come back and let you know how it goes later. I suspect I won't see the bullies as they're cowards, in which case I won't seek them out. But I will ensure I'll bash around as loudly as possible. If I do see them though, I'm not sure I can stay quiet. Most unlike me, normally I hate a confrontation. Thank you again for all your comments.

I hope it goes well op and sorry for what she’s been through.

I think something that hasn’t been mentioned is that sometimes, as satisfying as it would be to go in there and confront them, it can actually make them pull together and bond closer as a result (‘can you believe what she did.’)

So I’d tread carefully for this reason.

I’d probably say something. Even it was just to say what horrible, vile human beings they are, especially at that age. And I would probably say I do hope you struggle to find employment and someone bullies you at work one day, or even your future children.

Sounds awful I know, but I know I’d say it.

Little fuckers, I hate bullies. You have to stand up to them. Taught my kids and grandkids to hit first and hit hard. Alternatively some prawns in the curtain rods would be a good leaving present.

@hannayeah

Don’t say anything but look at them like animals in a zoo. It’s not possible to reason with people like that, so stare at them as if you are studying their behavior, trying to figure them out.

Yeah do this. And then turn away laughing to yourself.

@Atreus

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

No she is 20 not 7, she needs to stand up for herself and let herself be heard, I get why you are angry, my son is the same age, but this is one of those times she need to find her Sasha Fierce!

@hannayeah

Don’t say anything but look at them like animals in a zoo. It’s not possible to reason with people like that, so stare at them as if you are studying their behavior, trying to figure them out.

Yeah, that'll really have an impact won't it?

@KatherineJaneway

I was badly bullied at school so know what you DD is going through but it is far too late to take any action now. If you had wanted to do something meaningful that should have been done when this all kicked off.

Well quite. Any action now will be meaningless.

My daughter left before the other students in her accommodation and someone smashed her door after she left and she lost her deposit. Take lots of photos when you leave or I suppose you could try get the agent /landlord there.

Bullying at age 20?? What sad people. I'd go to the Uni too

@Atreus

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

I wouldn't. It gives them the satisfaction of achieving their aim.

Why wrong they reported to the uni and landlord at the time? That wouldn't have made things worse if they were thrown out.

Focus on supporting DD's mental wellbeing and getting her confidence and resilience back for next term. I do agree that the time for confrontation has passed and that any antagonising from you might just prolong the torment. Assume that DD won't have to have any contact with these people going forward?

Obviously don't do anything like this:
If it were me, I'd take a litre bottle of my morning urine and "accidentally" empty it all over the bathroom just before leaving. And yes, I have done this.
This PP is batshit and should probably seek professional help.

Don't speak to them as that will give them something to laugh about. Ignore them, hold your head up high and encourage your daughter to be dignified through it all. Then, show your daughter the bullying policy and suggest she follows through with it - this could be a defining moment in her life when she deals with shitty stuff herself and does the right thing and please don't do it for her but be supportive and encouraging instead. Some people are truly vile.

Your poor dd. Have worked at a uni and had involvement in a bullying case. I would encourage your dd to report too. It will hit home because they will be worried about references for jobs, even if they don’t get sanctioned.

In the case I’m aware of the students who had targeted one individual were certainly spoken to and the behaviour stopped. Can’t remember (long time ago) if they were formally reported and sanctioned.

I would say nothing and concentrate on persuading dd to report.

I am so so sorry
I feel angry on your behalf

I have lived in almost exact same scenario as this. I was “bullied” by two couples also!

Now, 20 years later, with the benefit of hindsight, I do see that I played more of a part in it that a) I genuinely realised and b) what I therefore conveyed to my mum.

For instance, my messiness was very real and just have been dreadful to live with. But of course I didn’t see it as bad as it was.

I too was unbelievably disorganised. Losing house keys, stuff scattered everywhere etc

Did it warrant bullying? No
Would it have been very unpleasant to have loved with? Yes

Snap @Scaredycatmoo76 I could have written your post. But as you say not an excuse

My housemates mother confronted me, only she got the wrong person. She humiliated me and I've never forgotten. I rember thinking what a nasty bully she is. Don't stoop to their level.

I don't think you should because these idiots would probably just find it funny that she had her mum fight her battles. I'd just be absolutely delighted that your poor DD will get away from these horrible people.

It's not the landlords fault - please don't ruin his house!