To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

[Atreus]

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

I know its tempting and I'd be a lot less polite about it than you, but I don't think it will make a difference. They're obviously immature dicks to be doing things like that at age 20. Leave them to it, what goes around comes around, and thank god she doesn't have to live with them any more.

Any response would simply be 'Feeding the Beast' they would relish the interaction and dine out on it for months...

I understand the despair your DD has endured because Scum like them love to find a Victim and destroy their confidence...

I know you would love nothing more than to rip them a new one..

Personally... I would walk away.. head held high and don't look back...

It might be the hard option of course ...

either way.. you're doing the right thing getting her out of there..

Good Luck with tomorrow 🌸

Usually I'm all for helping my own young adults to stand on their own two feet, but in this case I'm right with you and I'd be giving the nasty bullies a piece of my mind. Do it

I wouldn't appeal to their conscience, because they don't sound like they have any.

I'm so sorry that your dd has had to put up with that shit

I'd prob just turd in the kettle.

That sounds vile behaviour from the housemates.

I'd look up the university - most have a code of conduct and will have sections re standards if behaviour and about not bullying others....

It sounds as though it's been really bad.

I'd speak to welfare /student union advisors for advice re putting in a formal complaint.

Most bullies stop when they realise their degree could be in jeopardy.

Hope your daughter feels much improved soon.

I wouldn't waste my breath on them

Fish behind the radiators. Far more satisfying in the long run.

How awful. I had a similar but much less extreme problem with housemates in 2nd year of uni. It made me utterly miserable. I had never had problems making friends or been bullied before.

I went away in year 3 for a placement year, made a whole new set of friends from my course and came back and had the best time in y4. I hope the same thing happens to your DD

@IamtheDevilsAvocado great idea re complaining to the Uni.

What disgusting behaviour. I second what PPs say about contacting the uni. Of course, if the house is a private rental the uni might say it's not within their jurisdiction. Tell the student welfare advisers that they need to know about this anyway.

As for moving out, there you can have some fun! Put on your big bitch boots and barge in like you own the joint. Be noisy, be obnoxious and treat these people like shit in their own house. Any backchat, you hold your ground and blast the hell out of them. Make the moving out a thoroughly miserable experience for them.

If it were me, I'd take a litre bottle of my morning urine and "accidentally" empty it all over the bathroom just before leaving. And yes, I have done this.

Good luck to your DD. I'm sorry she had to suffer such shitful housemates.

The most important thing is to make sure there can be no financial abuse going forward. Is everything completely sorted regarding her rent, deposit etc? No chance they could not pay their rent and leave her liable?
Hopefully you haven't signed any paperwork as joint guarantor?
Take photos of her room and communal areas when she leaves.
Don't be tempted to do any damage to the house or give them any excuse to continue bullying her.
Are they on the same course?

Hmmm… I’d tread lightly on this one. It’s unlikely you are getting the full story here. When living arrangements go bad it’s usually due to escalating bad behavior on all sides.

I’m not saying this was definitely the case but your daughter is unlikely to tell yo the reason her clean laundry was thrown on the floor is that she left it hanging for a week or the reason they wouldn’t open the door for her is that she had forgotten her keys 3 times already that week.

I would frame this up a life lesson about living with other people and tell her that now she has her own horror stories to share when others start talking about horrible flat mates.

She’s getting out and that’s the important thing.

I'd also go to the uni. Most students don't realise their behaviour

This is for Keele but other unis have similar policies see d and e under 'major' offences. With a bit of luck they will say something to you or to your dd that you witness yourself.

www.keele.ac.uk/students/academiclife/appeals-complaints-conduct/studentdiscipline/

(d) inappropriate, abusive, offensive, indecent, or threatening behaviour against members of the University or its visitors, including via social media;

(e) causing or attempting to cause physical harm, injury, or mental distress, including where this was caused by controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour

Link to Keele's penalties.

www.keele.ac.uk/media/keeleuniversity/sas/governancedocs/Discipline%20offences%20and%20penalties%20Sept%202020.pdf

Obviously I don't know which uni your dd is at but download their policy today and just nod and smile while you gather evidence.

Your dd will be able to put in a complaint but so can you because of your dd calling you.

Good luck to you both.

Don’t say anything but look at them like animals in a zoo. It’s not possible to reason with people like that, so stare at them as if you are studying their behavior, trying to figure them out.

I wouldn't they will just find it funny. People like them don't care.

I would be more tempted to put something disgusting in the sofa but know ultimately I wouldn't do that either. Just move out, on and don't look back.

I second suggestions of contacting the uni and reporting. This also takes into account a PP’s point that there may be two sides to this story. The bullies will be invited to put their side of things but in my experience if these things they will be given a very hard time defending themselves and could face severe penalties. As they should.

Of these things not if

I wouldn’t confront they would relish in it.. I would however look at the recent revenge fed and maybe hide some sardines in the house, chicken breasts in the curtain seams?? Loads of ideas! X

Fed = thread

I definitely would get my revenge- be that giving them a piece of my mind, contacting the uni or sabotaging the house.

@sashh

I'd also go to the uni. Most students don't realise their behaviour

This is for Keele but other unis have similar policies see d and e under 'major' offences. With a bit of luck they will say something to you or to your dd that you witness yourself.

www.keele.ac.uk/students/academiclife/appeals-complaints-conduct/studentdiscipline/

(d) inappropriate, abusive, offensive, indecent, or threatening behaviour against members of the University or its visitors, including via social media;

(e) causing or attempting to cause physical harm, injury, or mental distress, including where this was caused by controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour

Link to Keele's penalties.

www.keele.ac.uk/media/keeleuniversity/sas/governancedocs/Discipline%20offences%20and%20penalties%20Sept%202020.pdf

Obviously I don't know which uni your dd is at but download their policy today and just nod and smile while you gather evidence.

Your dd will be able to put in a complaint but so can you because of your dd calling you.

Good luck to you both.

Don't be ridiculous.

This disciplinary code applies to serious behaviour breaches which bring the university into disrepute, not housemate problems that take place off campus. As the former chair of a University Disciplinary Committee, I can tell you that the response you'll get if you go down this road will be 'You're all adults and it happened in a domestic setting. Grow up. Sort it out yourselves. Stop being such babies.'

I mean, why stop there? Why haven't you called the police yet, Atreus? Knowing Mumsnet, someone'll be along in a minute to advise that - via 101 (naturally!).

@DrNo007

I second suggestions of contacting the uni and reporting. This also takes into account a PP’s point that there may be two sides to this story. The bullies will be invited to put their side of things but in my experience if these things they will be given a very hard time defending themselves and could face severe penalties. As they should.

No, they won't. You have no idea how university discipline works, do you?

What I don't understand is why your DD didn't move out when this bullshit started? And what were the other four housemates doing while this went on?

@crepescular I don’t deny your experience but my DH is on a disciplinary committee at his uni and they take reports of bullying extremely seriously, whether on or off campus, in domestic setting or not. An example is that a student got severely disciplined for posting something on social media that another student was offended by. In my view this was massively less serious than what the OP is describing. But I accept that different unis can deal with things differently.