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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

290 replies

Atreus · 27/06/2021 01:32

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

OP posts:

SoddingWeddings · 27/06/2021 09:10

If she's the first to leave, take LOTS of photos of the communal living areas as well as her room. Maybe even video them, so that if damage occurs, you can prove to the landlord the condition of the house when she left.

blackcat86 · 27/06/2021 09:10

@porridgecake

The most important thing is to make sure there can be no financial abuse going forward. Is everything completely sorted regarding her rent, deposit etc? No chance they could not pay their rent and leave her liable? Hopefully you haven't signed any paperwork as joint guarantor? Take photos of her room and communal areas when she leaves. Don't be tempted to do any damage to the house or give them any excuse to continue bullying her. Are they on the same course?

This is a really good point. I would be proactive in protecting your DD long term with this sort of thing that she may not think about. Speak to the uni to. As tempting as it would be to give them a piece of your mind it may just fuel the fire

CinnamonJellyBeans · 27/06/2021 09:12

Your daughter is very strong to have come through this. Those people sound vile.

From what you say, I feel that the individual incidents are probably not enough for the university to take action, in that they don't fall into the category of violence or discrimination (but that doesn't mean the effects are not tangible for you daughter).

Like PP have said, if you tell them off, they will just laugh because they are vile humans. If your daughter's mental health would be better by leaving the house, having nothing more to do with them and enjoying her year abroad, this is a better result for her than complaining.

If you are 100% sure that your DD is without blame, you could wait until you are just about to drive off and say "We have taken legal advice about this and DD will be informing the DoS/college master of everything that has happened. You can expect to hear from them when you return in October". You don't need to do anything. They can try to brazen it out and laugh in your face, but they will spend their summer break crapping themselves.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 09:13

Don't do anything to retaliate like some of the people have suggested. It's not your daughter's house and she will be responsible for any damage. Landlords aren't stupid, if everyone knows exactly who damaged the property, it is your daughter who will face the consequences. Why damage someone's house who has had nothing to do with a childish squabble?

You are meant to be an adult, quite frankly if you are considering this type of behaviour I've got to wonder what example you set to your daughter growing up...to the point that all her housemates don't want to live with her. Also think about this long term, if you damage the house and the uni or council get involved ( if you are accused of bullying the other housemates) it's your daughter who will have to deal with this. Leave it and perhaps get your daughter to think if she was part of this or if it's simply a bad time in her life that she leaves behind.

Blankspace101 · 27/06/2021 09:13

I’d confront them. I’ve seen many bullies back down and show how spineless they are when confronted. They can’t learn that it’s acceptable to bully. I’d be surprised if someone who cared for your DD didn’t say something when they came into contact with them.

SoupDragon · 27/06/2021 09:20

I would practice my most disgusted look and look them up and down s if they were a dog turd on the pavement. Then I would whisper something to my DD and we would leave, laughing.

NeverNotChasingDreams · 27/06/2021 09:23

Even if the term weren't also moving, sabotaging the house which your daughter was a joint tenant in is not a good idea- she may well be jointly liable!
Moving on and having a great life is the best revenge.

mam0918 · 27/06/2021 09:27

How do you know all this?

Im guessing from your daughter which is one bias side of the story, I bet theres actually far more too it and she isnt completely innocent in the whole thing - your daughter told you to leave it so leave it.

muffindays · 27/06/2021 09:30

Don't forget to take photos of her room if she's leaving before them. Just in case they try to damage it to make her pay from her deposit.

PegasusReturns · 27/06/2021 09:32

Agree with those saying “don’t feed the beast”.

Any flare of temper or attempts to “confront” or “tear a new one” will be met with derision and ridicule.

If the opportunity arises and you are certain you can remain calm, confident and dismissive, you might say something like:

“I hope one day, when you’ve grown up and are a functioning adult, you look back on your behaviour and feel shame”

They might try to retaliate or laugh at you, but chances are ten years in the future that comment will sit with them and they might reflect. If you shout or rage, they’ll dismiss you both as crazy and never give it a second thought.

Sorry your DD is going through this.

Brefugee · 27/06/2021 09:33

You really ought to report this to the pastoral care team at the uni, to save their next victim.

Frankly? I'd probably say something to them after everything is moved out and tell them that their parents must be so proud of bringing up such a bunch of "follow the leader bullies" and then leave.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 27/06/2021 09:35

Those suggesting revenge are forgetting that there are innocent people also living in the house. They don't deserve to have to live in a fish or rotten milk smelling house.

Either confront head on as an adult by speaking to the actual abusers, or report to the university. Although I'm not sure how it will help now she's leaving anyway.

bruffin · 27/06/2021 09:41

You really ought to report this to the pastoral care team at the uni, to save their next victim
I wouldnt , you might find out your dd was not quite the victim she is painting herself to be . The washing and being locked out, and meeting all sounds like consequences of her behaviour which was probably repeated hence the meeting

Brefugee · 27/06/2021 09:44

Meh - as pp posted above if the uni find no reason to take action they won't.

But if OP's DD has been affected by what she perceives as bullying against her, it might affect her mental health and her pastoral team should know about this. (I'd also be interested to know in the "reasons we don't like you")

Also film, photograph and so on the state of the place when you leave, get the landlord there if you can and deffo lock the room. Mail the photos to the Landlord immediately so you have a timed papertrail.

3scape · 27/06/2021 09:47

Take photos. Date them forward them to the landlord and make it clear due to the behaviour of other house members you believe this is necessary.

GingerScallop · 27/06/2021 09:47

She should have reported when it was ongoing but all is not lost. Report and keep on the university's back until they do something. Talking to the housemates now won't help. She will still be at same uni, same events same corridors and they could make it worse.
I hope there is no second time but if there is, report immediately. It did not have to get to the point where her mental health was so severely compromised.

FunMcCool · 27/06/2021 09:50

Your poor daughter! What vile people they are. What did the other housemates do when she was being bullied?

Crepescular · 27/06/2021 09:52

@Brefugee

You really ought to report this to the pastoral care team at the uni, to save their next victim.

Frankly? I'd probably say something to them after everything is moved out and tell them that their parents must be so proud of bringing up such a bunch of "follow the leader bullies" and then leave.

And what if it's six of one and half a dozen of the other?

Then these students are marked down as bullies or whatever 'to save their next victim'. Get a fucking grip! These are adults and it's nothing to do with Mummy.

Kanaloa · 27/06/2021 09:53

No, don’t confront them. She’s 20 years old and her mum confronting them won’t help. I will say she should have given notice and moved as soon as this started. Are you sure it’s all happening as she says? I’m struggling to imagine a 20 year old knocking someone’s door, saying I don’t like you and then running off laughing. Sounds like something a 3 year old might do. I would be utterly bemused at that rather than upset.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/06/2021 09:55

@bruffin

You really ought to report this to the pastoral care team at the uni, to save their next victim I wouldnt , you might find out your dd was not quite the victim she is painting herself to be . The washing and being locked out, and meeting all sounds like consequences of her behaviour which was probably repeated hence the meeting

I agree. I don’t see anything that is evidence of actual bullying. All these things can be reasonably explained away by exasperated housemates of a thoughtless person.

“They threw my clothes on the floor”- they’d been in the washing machine/ on the line/ on the dining table for days. We asked her repeatedly to move them. She does this often.

“They had a meeting and told me why they didn’t like me”- we had a meeting because things had obviously gotten so uncomfortable and we wanted to try to sort it out. She didn’t take onboard any of our concerns and became defensive and aggressive.

“They left me locked out” - she forgets her keys frequently. Its very disruptive to our lives to have to get out of bed/ stop our studies to let her in the house every day.

“He came in and told me he hated me” - I went to try to smooth things over before we all left. Again, she didn’t take any of our concerns on board and became aggressive and defensive. I told her this was why we had all struggled to live with her.

OP, really think about this. When your daughter is at home, how is she to live with if you consider her another adult in the house? Does she help keep the house clean and tidy? Does she clean the kitchen an d bathroom? Does she replace food? Does she put the bins out? Does she keep noise to a reasonable level and time? Does she do her own laundry and promptly put it away when it’s dry?

Think about how she’d be to live with as an equal rather than as a parent/ child. Is it likely that she’s just a bit lazy and thoughtless and generally difficult to live with?

GingerScallop · 27/06/2021 09:58

Also if she is feeling mentally fragile, you Two should think carefully about the internship abroad. Being in a foreign country possibly away from support system can make one vulnerable. More so one who is mentally fragile. And she will need to equip herself with some serious cajones

NewlyGranny · 27/06/2021 09:59

Dignified silence is the only way to go here. She's out and can put it behind her. She's also an adult, so anything you say - except "Goodbye" - would be inappropriate.

And remember, you have only heard her side. If you say anything, you may trigger an avalanche of things neither you nor your DD want to hear that you will be unable to forget.

StillCalmX · 27/06/2021 10:00

Maybe leave a book about values on the kitchen table, as a silent fuck you.

foxtailfluff · 27/06/2021 10:02

Please take photos of the room left in the correct manor as evidenced otherwise they could ruin it to make your chances of a deposit impossible. Especially as they are leaving after your daughter.
I wouldn't put anything past people like that.

Foxhasbigsocks · 27/06/2021 10:10

@Kanaloa I’ve seen behaviour from uni students which is like early teen years,

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