To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

[Atreus]

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

Telling her she should have moved isn't helpful because student house rental contracts are usually for a year.

Also, putting fish behind the radiator or prawns in the curtains won't affect the bullies. I think some posters don't understand how today's student rentals work.

You really don't want to piss the bullies off if your DD is the first to leave.

I would encourage your daughter to find a way to tell them the impact they have had on her. She's 20 - you shouldn't fight her battles for her but she definitely should be doing something about this herself.

People who are saying they will just find it funny, or it won't make any difference - well maybe so, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Your daughter needs some closure on this and some opportunity to actually tell them how they have made her feel. She also needs to learn to stand up to bullies and not let them intimidate her and control her life. Even if talking to them has no impact on their behaviour whatsoever, it is important for your daughter to know she has done it.

The only thing that has ever worked for me with bullies is to basically do the same but worse to them. I’m not sure if you want to go down that route though. Don’t bother with reasonable discussion, it won’t work on such people. They’ll just throw it back in your face.

In this situation, I’d say nothing. Get your daughter and her things out of there as soon as possible. Report them to the landlord (but don’t tell them, they might make up lies about your daughter).

Your poor, poor daughter 💐

In my first year at uni, one of my male housemates and his friend bullied another male housemate. I kept out of it for my own sakes but wish now that I’d said something. His friend slept with the victims younger sister in my bed (and left blood in the sheets) while I was away. I’m not sure of the details but I know he did it to get at the victim. Disgusting

The recourse is through the university. She should have reported it months ago. They are used to (unfortunately) dealing with such incidents

is one of the few clips that shored me up and helped me when I was being bullied at work a few years ago k
It doesn't tell you what to DO, it just helps you shore up your inner citadel a bit.
I recommend listening to clips on youtube to heal from bullying. they do help

Well i made a mess of that link!

attempt k

“Report them to the landlord”
What for, exactly? Don’t be ridiculous. No landlord is going to be remotely interested unless there has been damage to their property.

No it's not. When will you people get it into your heads that this situation has nothing at all to do with the university where these people study, any more that it would have anything to do with Burger King if they all worked there.

And yet every uni has a policy on how students have to behave on and off campus. And students can face sanctions for their behaviour again on or off campus.

Actually many employers do have policies that impact on behaviour even when not at work.

You need to go to the university. I was fairly popular out going person at uni had loads of different friends and liked to socialise. A boy that lived in my block started being bloody awful he was also on my course and group he would put me down constantly it chipped away at my confidence, I suspect and the others did he likely fancied me. I reported him to the uni turns our he was already on a view warnings over placements (nursing) it soon stopped and rarely saw him after i moved out. Shockingly this man is a qualified nurse, crazy he wasn't removed off the course as there was other on going issues with him.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc.

The posters saying to do horrible things back or to swear at a bunch of 20 year olds are being silly. They've clearly really upset her, and it's good she's got you in her corner.

She does also need to check on her assessment of the situation - not to victim blame (because bullying is never ok) but because it may give her back some sense of agency and giving her (a) more confidence it won't happen again and (b) to ensure she has the best chance of success next time.

If you say she can come across as standoffish, plus she leaves washing in the machine and forgets her keys, and if there are house meetings to discuss issues, interpreting it as saying why they hate her... Some of us have been that housemate, others have had that housemate, and it is really hard.

Hope she is able to have a better time now and to find a better group next time.

My friend was bullied by her housemates in uni. When she moved out, she gave the toilet a quick scrub with their toothbrushes...

I would be very careful here.
Regardless of her moving out, some may still be on courses with her and she may find she has to work with them in the future.
I would leave it.

I think I would talk to them there's nothing to lose. I would make it clear that their actions have consequences.

Telling them how much distress they have caused just encourages them to do it again if they get the chance.

She wants her deposit back, photograph everything and send to landlord.

If they are in your way you can tell them they are obnoxious children and it's time they started acting like adults, otherwise say nothing.

Don't do it.
My friend was physically attacked by teenagers approaching them about her DD.
They behaved horrible to your DD leave it behind. I'd be livid too it isn't worth it.

I'd prob just turd in the kettle

Do this! Do this! Or a nice kipper left behind a radiator.

They sound unbelievably childish and cruel, your dd will move on to better things (and hopefully nicer housemates)

You could try a couple of different tacts -

Be very nice to them and demonstrate the great strong relationship you have - who knows what their home life is

If you get the opportunity you could try withering looks and find an opportunity to give them - you think you are so great but really?

It's so tough - please tell your daughter it will pass and she will find great friends who aren't these people.

I loved with dreadful house mates - one who would wake me in the night when drunk to tell me who sad/boring I was. Her excuse being she couldn't control her mouth when drunk

My fav memory though and tell your daughter. At a house party - there was a very cute boy, he came to speak to me, I wasn't interested as had a boyfriend. My house mate fancied him. She must have been so endanger she came over and started laying into me again about how no one likes me etc. Guess what - boy found her behaviour so ugly and stayed with my group that evening!

@Atreus take photos and video of the room after you have cleared it out to show what state it was in after your DD left.

Definitely persuade her to report the behaviour to the university.

Dont report to uni until she has got her deposit back. There may be trouble over that and you may have to threaten them with court action anyway.

Don’t do anything. They sound vile. However a big group living together at uni is not ideal. As you say, your DD can appear superior. Combine that with a perceived selfish attitude of leaving washing around and carelessness around keys (it’s a security risk for all in the home), you can understand a bit why your DD is not liked in a shared home. Poor communal behaviour can rile even the most patient.

How awful. I’m just pleased she’s getting out of there but I’d say nothing and let her move on,

OP my heart goes out to her and to you. I felt sick just reading this. But want to offer some words of hope.

DS2 was badly bullied in his first term at uni this year. He came home dangerously depressed and borderline anorexic. I too became ill with worry. It took months and months to convince him the fault lay with them not him. He eventually returned to uni for a few weeks right at the end of the summer term and although he had rocketing social anxiety, he tried to make new friends and succeeded. Being treated well and thoughtfully by new people has transformed him.

A very similar thing happened to a friend's daughter. A gorgeous girl but she'd been bullied at school and somehow the uni flatmates must have picked up on her vulnerability. She ended up leaving her course and taking a year out. She took a different course at a different uni and is also transformed. It is a horrible life lesson to learn, but actually, to work out very early in adult life how bullies operate and how to look after yourself and stand up to them is so valuable. Once she has recovered from the trauma (it is traumatic) and learned how to stop it happening again, she'll have a lifelong skill that will keep manipulative people away from her.

PM me if you want to chat about things DS2 did to recover. to her and you.

I was accused of bullying by a flatmate at uni. What had happened was she was absolutely disgustingly dirty and lazy. She never washed up ever. She left a pot of food in the fridge so long that is was completely mouldy. One of our ‘acts of bullying’ was to throw it away. Another of our acts was to leave the bin outside of her room. We didn’t empty the bin on the floor or anything, just left it there. That was because she hadn’t emptied it when it was her turn and it had been a week. We’d asked nicely many times and her excuse was that she ‘kept forgetting’. She moved out and we were all happier for it. If she told the uni that we were bullying her, they did nothing about it. They may have agreed with us that it wasn’t bullying but I doubt she told them an accurate account of what happened.

We never had meetings to discuss her though or barged into her room to tell her we didn’t like her. We invited her to join in with things if she was around and were nice to her. That’s not what your DD’s housemates sound like though.

You must make sure she leaves her room, and bathroom if she has an ensuite, absolutely immaculate when she moves out. And take lots of photos you can use as proof in case there is any difficulty getting her deposit back.

It is tough, living with others. DS never particularly bonded over the long term with any of his housemates at Uni and found some of them quite difficult.

On the other hand I made lifelong friends with mine - and that included an incident where a load of dirty pots and pans were dumped in my bed.
Because I hadn't washed them up!