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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my 20 year old daughter's bullies?

290 replies

Atreus · 27/06/2021 01:32

Long story short, my 2nd year Uni student DD1 (20) moves out of her student house at the end of term tomorrow. I'm going to help her move her stuff. It's a house of 9 people and 4 of them (2 couples) have made her life completely miserable this last year, so much so that we've really worried for her mental health even though she is normally very resilient.

Too many instances of bullying to recount but includes calling house meetings to tell her how much they didn't like her, throwing her washing on the floor, leaving her locked out of the house when she forgot her keys etc etc. She has just tried to keep things polite and interact only when necessary, but they haven't let up and actively seek her out to be mean. Even this evening (her last night in the house) one of the boys knocked on her bedroom door at 11pm and when she answered, came into her room, told her he didn't like her and then ran away laughing. She's called me shaking and in tears.

I've bitten my tongue so far when I've seen them as DD1asked me not to say anything as she thought it could make things even worse. But after tomorrow she won't have to interact with them again. If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 27/06/2021 08:38

I should have been clearer in my post. I was accused of bullying along with 4 other flat mates.

DomPom47 · 27/06/2021 08:39

Don’t give them the satisfaction that you’re daughter and you are upset by them. Pack your daughters things up. Go for a nice meal somewhere with some bubbly and toast to the fact that she no longer needs to live with those shits. Sadly there are always people like this who are oxygen thief’s but hopefully she will not encounter so many of them in such close proximity ever agains.

vivainsomnia · 27/06/2021 08:40

OP, you're daughter is an adult. You have no idea what the dynamics were and what was going in. Maybe your daughter wasn't the angel you think she is. Maybe she too behaved in a bullying way. Maybe them throwing her washing on the floor was because she kept leaving it on the sofa, she was told numerous time not to, she ignored them and they had enough.

Who knows, but that's the thing about our kids going to uni, they learn to deal with things themselves. You getting involved purely based on what she told you is quite sad. She's out now and hopefully things will work out much better next year. It's very common for accommodation to not work out the first year.

NewLifeInTheSouth · 27/06/2021 08:41

If I see them tomorrow AIBU to calmly tell them that their bullying behaviour has been toxic, caused extreme distress, is not OK and that in years to come they will look back and feel ashamed at how they've behaved?

You wouldn't be unreasonable no, and it's perfectly understandable that you want to confront them. I'd want to do exactly the same. But be prepared to hear some things about your daughter that may surprise you in return.

What the housemate did by knocking on her door just to abuse her was childish, unkind and unwarranted. But if house meetings are being called to discuss regular conflicts and a bad atmosphere with her housemates then there may be a history you are unaware of.

I don't want to victim blame here but I fear there may be a side to this story you don't yet know. It could just be a simple clash of personalities or it could be that your DD is actually really difficult to live and has upset her housemates for reasons that you don't realise.

Either way, the bullying is unreasonable. But think hard before you go wading in.

Babymamamama · 27/06/2021 08:43

I can’t believe all these (adult) posters suggesting such childish retaliation. If these housemates are genuinely such bullies then this will only escalate things. However I do suspect there is another whole side to this and maybe your DD really lacks the social skills to live in a communal environment. Them throwing her washing on the floor hints to me she possibly wasn’t dealing with her own stuff she was just leaving it there. Sorry I may be wrong but I would say it’s quite important to think of who she lives with next and how communal it is. OP you don’t have the full picture if you didn’t live there or witness this yourself.

Whatamess582 · 27/06/2021 08:44

I had a similar problem once. I took great joy is swapping salt for sugar, and vice versa and I pour some of my wee into their drinks in the fridge…. Plus I spent a long time cleaning the loo with their toothbrushes. While I was living there. I watched them everyday with great satisfaction.

I also, after a particularly scary incident, went to the local police station and asked what I could do. The answer was nothing but The sergeant on duty told me he would come round and put the fear of god into them unofficially. He and a police woman came and when my flat mates came home they saw them through the window and they kept walking…. They never asked me why the police were there. They backed off for a while. They knew.

I complained about them to work (we worked together as part of a management training course and all shared a flat) and was told there was nothing they could do as it’s as not on work premises.

I would have hated my mum to get involved at the time. But I had a friend who looked like a brick shit house who helped me move out and I felt so safe having him there. I cried for about a week after.

I also had a group of people who bullied the hell out of me at uni…. And I just cut them off afterwards. To this day it hurts to think about both incidents but it taught me never to accept that from anyone else in my life. There is little you can do to them. But a lot you can do to help your daughter protect herself mentally. Love her hug her talk to her and help her understand that their behaviour is more about them than her…. They are lacking in common decency and compassion and it’s not her fault just bad luck she fell in with them.

AdelindSchade · 27/06/2021 08:45

Whatever you do it must be with dd's agreement.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 08:48

I really think you need to leave this. She's an adult and has got to start managing her own life. You'll make it more difficult if you get involved. I honestly don't think this will be one sided and it's likely she hasn't told you the whole story. If it is exactly as you say, she loses nothing by moving out and leaving these people behind. But seriously, this just doesn't quite sound likely to be true...

I think this is one situtaion where you listen to her but don't get involved. At her age she just doesn't need her mum going to uni about bullying. Of she wants to that's fine, but let her get on with this.

Imnothereforthedrama · 27/06/2021 08:48

It’s so tempting and my dc had a couple of mean housemates at uni but she’s a adult and you have to let her deal with it in her way . If she’s told you not to say anything then don’t say anything.

tara66 · 27/06/2021 08:48

Regarding confronting these bullies on the last day just be careful they haven't planned some nasty goodbye surprise. So be in and out as quickly as possible and don't leave your car where they can see it easily. They may think it funny to let your tyres down etc.

porridgecake · 27/06/2021 08:48

They are all moving out. There is no point in doing anything to the house or the toilet etc. That will just result in a collective loss of deposit.

NewLifeInTheSouth · 27/06/2021 08:48

But since the 'here are all the reasons we don't like you' house meeting in the first term.

And what were all the reasons? Did she tell you?

Edina2020 · 27/06/2021 08:50

I experienced similar aged 20 and it is awful, but looking back I'm proud of how I dealt with my situation. You are doing the right thing supporting your daughter as I couldn't have managed without my family (my grandma even offered to give the bully a piece of her mind!). But I was very firm that I wanted to deal with it myself. It helped me to feel in control of the situation by working out what I could do, which in my case was to tell the others in the group that I didn't want them to take sides, but I did need them to acknowledge what was going on. Since then I can spot the warning signs a mile off and have come out of it with some really strong friendships.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 27/06/2021 08:51

@NewLifeInTheSouth

But since the 'here are all the reasons we don't like you' house meeting in the first term.

And what were all the reasons? Did she tell you?

Yeh I'd be interested in this
Mrgrinch · 27/06/2021 08:52

What's the point doing something now? If you wanted to get yourself involved (you really shouldn't as she's a grown adult) you should have done it ages ago to put a stop to the bullying.

EveryoneIsThere · 27/06/2021 08:52

.

oakleaffy · 27/06/2021 08:55

OP I understand why you want to confront them, but these bullies sound utterly thick and irredeemable.

Confronting them will do no good- they are without conscience or finer feelings-
I’d definitely be out for “ Revenge “
Though- a pint of milk spilled on a carpet will reek appallingly if left.

I had to throw a tent away after someone sat on a box of milk in it, couldn’t get the smell out of the canvas.
Go for it!

oakleaffy · 27/06/2021 08:56

Mind you re revenge- is it a landlords house?
If so perhaps not.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 27/06/2021 08:59

it is far better for her to control her own situation.
please dont get involved op

funinthesun19 · 27/06/2021 09:01

I think some passive aggressive comments in their ear shot would be effective.

“Bet you can’t wait to finally be getting away from that lot.”
“ I can see what you mean about what you said the other day. He’s very odd.”

I’d make a few more too.

Also if they’re in the kitchen I’d also barge my way in and make myself a drink. If they look at you just say, “What you looking at?”

I couldn’t just not say anything. I know the passive aggressive thing isn’t particularly mature, but you still get to make some sort of point to them while your daughter gets to walk out with her head held high.

a8mint · 27/06/2021 09:01

My dds boyfriend's household wereaccused of bullying a housemate who was a complete arse hole. In gis hone country had a lot if house servants and had no clue how ro live with other people.
For example the washing issue usually happens when housemates don't remove their clothes promptly at the end of rhe cycle, that's s selfish/thoughtless when the machine is shared by lots of others.

a8mint · 27/06/2021 09:04

What I don't understand is why your DD didn't move out when this bullshit started?*
Because she has sig ed a contract ti pay for her roin for year!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2021 09:05

@prettyvisitor

Make sure she leaves her room clean and take photos when she leaves...and email them to the landlord. Just in case those staying behind decide to create more trouble for her once she's gone.
This is an EXCELLENT point! Do this, definitely.
lardylegs123 · 27/06/2021 09:05

Sadly, I don't think it will make a difference. They're total dicks.

So sorry for your daughter though, and I'm glad she's now out of that toxic environment.

BreatheAndFocus · 27/06/2021 09:07

My first thought was Yes - Confront them but I’ve changed my mind because it will just make them laugh and gloat even more. Don’t give them the satisfaction.