To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

[LoubyLouLou22]

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

I personally would prefer this
Not everyone can sort childcare, particularly if they need to travel a distance. But obviously paying for kids does add a lot to costs. It gives your friends more options.

Totally unreasonable. If you can’t afford what you’re budgeting for, scale back. You only need two witnesses to get married. Or just don’t invite children.

Absolutely ridiculous.

@Montii

Honestly as a parent it would not bother me at all getting an invite like this. I would totally understand that people have budget restrictions and would appreciate being given the choice.

Seems that most people here don’t like it though.

I agree completely with this.. I actually think it is brilliant compromise solution to inviting children to your wedding and thinking of your guests but not at an unacceptable expense to you .

However I think so many people are often offended by so little though., particularly when it comes to money.

I think it is also interesting how many people used to be offended in this country by the concept of giving money instead of presents at a wedding ( something I thought was fine to do over 30 years ago) . Threads about this used to be heavily weighted towards the ' you can't ask for money as a wedding present . I have however seen more some recent threads where it seems this baffling attitude in England has softened so maybe you are just ahead of your time op

However given the attitudes on this thread you may want to rethink or you might lose some friends (those who are baffling offended anyway)

Sounds massively passive aggressive and would make me not want to go, although maybe that’s what you’re hoping for..

@RedHelenB

I personally would prefer this Not everyone can sort childcare, particularly if they need to travel a distance. But obviously paying for kids does add a lot to costs. It gives your friends more options.

Why does paying for the kids meals give you more options? Parents always have the option to leave the kids with a babysitter if they choice .

Just say no children. As a parent I love these invites.

@bumblingbovine49 where did the OP mention she was in England ?

I wouldn’t care!
Gives me more options than a child free wedding. But we don’t have any childcare options (we could look at hiring a stranger through an agency but it’s £££ and I’m not happy with that option).
So I’d prefer this to a child free invite.

I wouldn’t mind it at all, OP. I think it makes total sense and would help out a lot of parents. Why should you get married somewhere cheaper just so you can invite children that you don’t even particularly want.

YABU.
Even if you make up a little lunch box for dc IME they take the food you intend for adults anyway. It creates a hierarchy that appears to put other people’s dc below adults. This feels awkward, I’ve been to celebrations like that.
You are BU - children are part of family life, yabu to think of them as an inconvenient extra cost.

I've been to a wedding where children were not prohibited as such, but the b&g had arranged with the venue to have a large room away to one side, and hired 3 day nannies to look after the children there including a kids party tea at 5pm. They had a relatively late ceremony, then timed things so there was a long gap between about 6& 7.30pm so people staying locally could go off and put younger children to bed (they provided lists of babysitters etc) then dinner was after that. It worked brilliantly and meant they weren't paying for children's meals at an overpriced cost per head, they did the party themselves and it was a) cheaper and b) food the kids would actually eat.

I actively encouraged children at our wedding as the price per head was 25 rather than 100 and we had minimum numbers (different days) for the venue!

I think the best compromise is to allow babies under 1 that don't need a meal provided and may not be able to be left. For friends weddings I would only take children under those circumstances really. I would much rather go without them and not have to chase them around! Family weddings a bit different generally we have invited children and all babysitters have been at the wedding anyway.
I would find the idea of paying for kids a bit odd as it's obvious you don't really want them there - which is fine!

I would pay if I wanted my kids to go 🤷‍♀️ clearly people are having a hard time financially especially at the moment prices are rising and peoples spare cash has fallen according to my bank statement ive bought a few hundred pounds of fresh air this last month ive literally bought nothing extra but the price of everything has shot up

Offensive no ... tacky yes.
Sorry but you can't do this! Have the wedding you can afford. Nobody asks for gifts they are just a given.

Only read 2 pages but I'm shocked with the overwhelming opinion that this would be unreasonable.
I wouldn't mind, and I'd really understand. The amount of weddings I've been to with kids that don't eat the food that costs about £50+ per head and moan at having to sit through the vows etc... I'm surprised more people don't do it

I'm always surprised when people they have no one whatsoever they can leave their child with at all. Excluding babies under 1 where I think its difficult when they are still very reliant on bf.

I've never used a stranger to babysit, but don't most people have someone they know locally and use relatively regularly (eg lots I know use the staff from their child's nursery). Do so many people have absolutely no family whatsoever who can have a child for a wedding?

If you have absolutely no one what on earth would you do with your child if there was a medical emergency?

I do think it's important to put in place things like this, not for weddings per se but generally.

@PurpleyBlue

worrybutterfly that sounds awful. It sends a message that only kids under 12 are considered worth paying for.

Seriously!?!? It's not like I put on the invite 'under 12s only' I just didn't list their names on the invite.

In our situation there were 2 children over 12years who I'm close to and I wanted there, they were invited and paid for by us.

Most the other over 12s where children of cousins who I'd never met but had to invite to appease my DMIL. I just left their names off the invite.

For us it was the only way he could afford to invite those cousins, and I'm not apologetic about it. A few of them questioned whether their children could come and we said we'd had to say a blanket no to older children because of cost, but their children were welcome at the evening party if they wished.

I would think less of a friend who did this rather than no children or just infants. We have one child and two teens, would we pay more?!

Save yourself the awkwardness.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland yes people have absolutely no one . Or they have people who can look after their children in emergency’s but those are family and they are all at the wedding too. Especially If you only have one friendship group again all at the wedding. Has it never occurred to you too that maybe people don’t have the funds to pay nursery staff to look after children or that children are past nursery age .

Can you negotiate with the venue to offer a kids menu at under £10 a head?

I dunno orange squash, tomato soup, chicken/cheese nuggets, chips and peas, ice cream?

I’d be happy to pay for my kids so I didn’t have to find a babysitter. End up paying either way. Wouldn’t be offended either way, so much drama. Just do what you want, use humour to approach it.

My thoughts on this have changed over time. I think when my DCs were small I would be irritated. But not sure why I would be irritated. In a sort of 'aren;t my kids worth it sort of way'. I know that makes me sound precious, but that is what my inner reaction would have been maybe 7 years ago or so. Now though being asked to pay for them would not bother me at all and tbh I would just be pleased the DCs would be invited at all.

I hate child free things- because we literally have no-one to leave the children with. My oldest has SEN and where we live (fairly rural) there is no such thing as a babysitter or evening child minder who would be able to cope. (Not that I have found anyway, though tbf I have not looked for about 2 years). We do not have family nearby. My own parents who in more usual times visit us once a year (they live abroad) will not even babysit (as in they refuse) when they are here because of DS's issues (and my mother is a HCP and my father a teacher in a SN school!). So just to know that in any sort of format my children would be welcome- which would mean I could actually attend a wedding- would now overwhelm me with happiness and gratitude.

I dislike it when people say 'Oh make it child free - parents love the break'. It's only that simple if you have reliable support. Not everyone has that, and not everyone can even buy it in.

This wouldn't bother me tbh