To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

[LoubyLouLou22]

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

Or do as the royal as do

• all guests invited to the ceremony
• all guests invited to standing up post ceremony ‘breakfast’ with one drink, toast and canapés
• friends and close family only to evening do sit down dinner and speeches

I really can't see the problem myself. I would have happily paid when mine were young.

Child free weddings were very difficult for us so we only went to those if they were really close friends.

No family willing to babysit so we had to ask friends which was a really big ask as a wedding is often an all day/evening affair. Either that or only one of us went.

Wouldn’t bother me at all. I probably wouldn’t bring my kids but it gives an option to those that want to bring them.

[quote Boomisshiss]@bumblingbovine49 where did the OP mention she was in England ?[/quote]
She didn't but that part of my post is about the negative attitude in England ( and not necessarily the rest of the UK) about giving money for wedding presents which is not true in many other countries and was just an illustration of how arbitrary some of these attitudes are rather than assuming the wedding was in England.

I admit however that I am also assuming that most of these replies are from the UK and so are representative of wedding views there regardless of where the wedding is to take place

Rethinking this without that assumption I imagine this request about guests paying may offend in other countries too in a way that asking for money for presents doesn't.

So I admit that to making a mistake with my assumptions. Thanks for pointing that out and I apologize for that.

My personal opinion that the op's suggestion is a practical compromise and that I would in no way find it odd or offensive still stands though.

@Montii

Honestly as a parent it would not bother me at all getting an invite like this. I would totally understand that people have budget restrictions and would appreciate being given the choice.

Seems that most people here don’t like it though.

I feel the same, and it would leave the ball in my court as to whether my kids attended or not (I go massively against the Mumsnet grain and I LOVE a child free wedding 😉🥂)

You know your guests more than we do, so you know more than we do about whether or not they'd be ok with it, maybe canvas a few of the guests you're inviting with children and see how they feel about it rather than asking Mumsnet, weddings are a bit of a touchy subject on here

When did it become a thing that a couple decided on the venue and food and type of wedding they want and then decide what they can afford in terms of guests?

I agree with you @PyongyangKipperbang.

It wouldn't be the cost that irritated me, but the principle. I don't understand why so many couples put the venue before the guest list - weddings in the middle of nowhere involving an expensive overnight stay, child free weddings abroad, somewhere so expensive that you get the guests to subsidise the use of the venue.

It's bonkers. The cutting your coat according to your cloth expression is very apt here.

I would just go for a wedding you can afford and not choose a category of guests to charge.

I wouldn’t mind OP. In fact I’m going to a wedding soon and my teenage dds would love to go but numbers are limited. I’d have happily paid so they could go.

Having said that, I do wonder if my attitude would be if I were very short of money.

Can I ask what the cost is per child and how many children in total would be invited in this basis?

Despite saying I wouldn’t personally mind, I do suspect that it’d be tricky due to the following:

If the child price was low then you’d be saving a smell amount of money so risk offending people for a small saving.

If the cost was high then you risk alienating those who can’t afford it.

I think that what this thread has shown is that the majority would be offended even if a few like myself are more pragmatic about it.

I think it depends, I’d rather take my kids so I’d like the option rather than a blanket no kids rule but it is very unusual.

Are you inviting everyone you’ve ever met or are you close with all the people you’re inviting? If you’re close then you can explain your dilemma and let them decide.

It wouldn’t bother me, can see I’m in the minority though.

Just make it a child-free wedding. Child-free weddings are more fun for almost everyone, including the children, unless it’s the wedding of a close and loved relative, in which case you may need to have different expectations for close family (because you actually want to invite their children, rather than tolerate their presence). It’s a rare excuse to enjoy yourself without babies and children in tow (and if it is not a rare excuse for you, then why would you have a problem leaving your kids behind again for a wedding, as you clearly don’t usually have a problem with it?!).

I wouldn't do this and would instead limit children - perhaps children of immediate family and the bridal party, or only children under 3 or something like that. Some posters suggesting a no kids rule means noone will come - my friend is getting married next month with a no kids rule and not a single one of her guests have declined.

Have a cheaper wedding and enjoy the day with all your friends and their children.

It wouldn’t bother me, but from other responses it would be an issue for other people. Generally wedding guests are usually close friends and family; people who are supposed to love you and be on your side. Not people who would complain or bitch behind your back.

@Rrrrrrrrr

Or do as the royal as do

• all guests invited to the ceremony
• all guests invited to standing up post ceremony ‘breakfast’ with one drink, toast and canapés
• friends and close family only to evening do sit down dinner and speeches

We did this and it worked brilliantly. Wedding early afternoon at a nice hotel. Canapes, a little table with kiddie finger food, 1 drink all round and we cut the cake so everyone could have some or take away. There was plenty of outdoor space for running around. That lasted until about 6 pm. Then a bit of a break and about 30 close friends and family for a nice meal at our favourite local restaurant.

@FreshHorizons

I would just go for a wedding you can afford and not choose a category of guests to charge.

I agree with the above. I love the idea mentioned by a couple of previous posters of rearranging your budget to include a play-area for the children, with cheap and cheerful food supplied, and people employed to look after them. I suppose it depends if you are having a very formal wedding, with top table and all that, and a three-course meal, rather than something more relaxed all round.

I wouldn't mind being asked to pay, word it well.
If my DC are invited I'd always up the cash gift amount for their meals. When giving a cash gift it usually cover our meal.

Nope. Unless you want your wedding to be forever remembered by people as “the one where we had to pay for our own kids”

@BobCatBob

You should organise a wedding you can afford and not expect your guests to pay.

Always this! ^

You don’t NEED to have a mega venue, you don’t need to have a mega expensive dress or horse drawn carriage

Weddings like this where all the attention is on what it says about you are rarely successful

The whole purpose of a wedding is to contractually bind yourself with another human being

The audience is there to witness this to understand that you and your marriage partner are now together and to celebrate this

So if you don’t have the money to throw a huge or ostentatious event, then don’t.

You’re not rich. Don’t pretend to be, or you’ll be paying for this for a long time, and give unrealistic expectations right from the start, it could take longer to pay it off than the time spent married.

So START with the guest list. Look at who you want to share this with from the beginning and then work out what money you have and then see where your our budget will stretch

The whole industry that’s been created around wedding is obscene and the Instagram culture has also got a lot to answer

Focus on what’s important, you and your marriage partner, your life together and who you want to celebrate with and what that means.

You know everyone will feel more comfortable in an environment that’s catered to the numbers, a wedding that that’s not trying to be something it’s not.

Don’t allow yourself to get swept up in all the bollocks of the so called wedding and events business

If there’s one aspect of Covid I hope for, is that this nonsense of people creating weddings they can’t afford and trying to get other people to pay for it stops.

Keep things to a budget you are happy to spend

@Montii

Honestly as a parent it would not bother me at all getting an invite like this. I would totally understand that people have budget restrictions and would appreciate being given the choice.

Seems that most people here don’t like it though.

I agree with this. I'd appreciate the choice too. If she did a blanket ban on children then some people wouldn't be able to make it. This way, at least those people have the choice to still come - I don't get the problem.

Basically you can’t afford the wedding you aspire to. Cut your expectations and invite your friends and their families. Or keep the sort of aspirational wedding which you can’t afford and don’t invite your friends.

It’s just a party after all. The important bit is the marriage ceremony.

Think about who you are - do you want your friends there? If so, find an way of doing it which you can afford.

@IntoAir - that’s rubbish. She can afford the wedding if she only invites the adults. Plenty of adults would be delighted to spend a day at a wedding without babies and children. As you say, it’s just a party, after all. I don’t always want to party with my children.

I'm a parent and I would find that really bizarre and tight. As others have said if you can't afford to have the wedding you want with the number of guests who would come then cut something else like have fewer guests, no children at all, a cheaper band, cheaper evening food etc etc. It's really not a good look to charge for guests especially when that figure is probably £10 a head or something nominal.

I have a child and wouldn't be offended by this in the slightest.

If I can't sort out childcare then it's a practical and fair option and I'd be happy to pay for my child.

There hasn't been a single wedding I've been to since I had my son where he would have been a valued guest on his own merit - he's invited because the couple want me there. Why should they pay for him?