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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

397 replies

LoubyLouLou22 · 26/06/2021 01:06

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 26/06/2021 02:11

@StuffinThePuffin

Nah, it just sounds very off. No matter how you word it, it will seem as if you don't want kids there but don't have the balls to say it.

Either invite their kids and foot the bill, or have a no kids rule.

I dont see it. Child free weddings are so common these days that I doubt anyone would assume that they didnt want to say that. Its got to the point that I will always assume no kids unless told otherwise!
DeeCeeCherry · 26/06/2021 02:12

People won't come and beyond your day you'll be really unpopular. Just a thought.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/06/2021 02:15

Do people not just talk to their friends though?!

If my friend explained it to me and said "Its up to you, no offence taken either way" I would appreciate their situation and do what suited me best. I certainly wouldnt think of them in a bad way! If I would be "unpopular" after my wedding for that then my regret would be inviting people who are more interested in a free scoff.

Stichintime · 26/06/2021 02:15

Are you having a paying bar as well? I'd imagine catering for children would be the least of your expenses.

lakesummer · 26/06/2021 02:28

Charging your guests an entrance fee is a reasonably unusual move OP.

I think going child free would be a better option.

shouldistop · 26/06/2021 02:30

I think people will be talking about your wedding for the wrong reasons if you do this. The children's are either guests at your wedding or not, you invite them, you pay for them.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 26/06/2021 02:34

Hell no for all the reasons everyone else has already mentioned.

What about a compromise? Set up a kids area with games, cartoons, pizzas etc and hire an adult to supervise. That way children are guests for the ceremony and entertained for the reception. The total cost would be less than each child having their own seat at a sit down reception. Of course, this only works if the children are in a suitable age bracket. I think most parents would appreciate some adult time knowing that the kids were being looked after nearby.

Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 02:35

Omg no no no . You cannot do this you can’t only pay for some of the guest and expect others to pay . Ridiculous and the cheapest thing I’ve heard. If you don’t want to pay for the kids don’t invite. It’s them up to the parents to decide if they want to come .

Micemakingclothes · 26/06/2021 02:35

Decide who is important to have at your wedding, figure out what you can afford, and then find a way to throw a wedding to make all your guests feel welcome and happy. You don’t have to have a fancy reception to be a gracious host.

RainbowANDThunder · 26/06/2021 02:41

NOT YOU AGAIN…. BORED? Biscuit

HopeValley · 26/06/2021 02:47

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Hell no for all the reasons everyone else has already mentioned.

What about a compromise? Set up a kids area with games, cartoons, pizzas etc and hire an adult to supervise. That way children are guests for the ceremony and entertained for the reception. The total cost would be less than each child having their own seat at a sit down reception. Of course, this only works if the children are in a suitable age bracket. I think most parents would appreciate some adult time knowing that the kids were being looked after nearby.

I can't imagine my 3 year old wanting to be left - this would stress me out more than not bringing her! A friend left a young baby in one of these situations which I just wouldn't have done either.

How much money are we talking OP?

Saoirse82 · 26/06/2021 02:48

I wouldn't find it offensive and OP isn't asking for presents but some people love a good moan or gossip so it might not go down well. We had loads of kids at our wedding, I got them bar food and made up kids packs with sweets etc. It would have been madness to pay for each child as it was expensive per head and the kids likely wouldn't have liked the food anyway. So bar food went down much better. Could you do something like that? I wouldn't ask people to pay, you'd be better to do a child free wedding.

Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 02:55

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Hell no for all the reasons everyone else has already mentioned.

What about a compromise? Set up a kids area with games, cartoons, pizzas etc and hire an adult to supervise. That way children are guests for the ceremony and entertained for the reception. The total cost would be less than each child having their own seat at a sit down reception. Of course, this only works if the children are in a suitable age bracket. I think most parents would appreciate some adult time knowing that the kids were being looked after nearby.

Not a lot of people would be happy to leave children like this. Plus is there is so many children going that the OP can’t afford to pay for them. It would mean hiring multiple adults .
Wombatstew · 26/06/2021 03:02

I find it less offensive than no children at all, as at least I can make up my own mind. I do like the suggestion by a pp for a seperate room with pizza and activities whilst the formal food and speeches are going on and then joining back up after. Is there a chance that the venue could accomodate this?

McDreamyDempsey · 26/06/2021 03:06

It wouldn't bother me. I'd rather pay for my child then mess about trying to go to a child free wedding, IMO YANBU...

I'm surprised how many think you are

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/06/2021 03:08

HAving said I wouldnt be bothered about this.....I cant help but wonder....

When did it become a thing that a couple decided on the venue and food and type of wedding they want and then decide what they can afford in terms of guests?

I have been married twice. Both time the guest list was written up and then we worked out what we could afford based on that and had the wedding that fitted our budget. It was our guests that mattered more than "the venue of my dreams" or "the dress of my dreams" or whatever.

CalamityJaneDoe · 26/06/2021 03:15

I wouldn’t mind this, in fact I would expect it. If i wanted to bring my kid to anything I would expect to pay for them- if I didn’t bring them I’d be paying for them anyway to be elsewhere!

Matter of fact, I think more people should do this. Subsidising other people’s kids is expensive, and at least this way your friends get to choose- as opposed to child-free, which you clearly don’t necessarily want.

VroomVrooom · 26/06/2021 03:18

As long as you don’t mind people talking about it and judging you, go for it.

If you’re happy to have kids, surely there is some way to provide low cost catering for those who end up coming.

FakingMemories · 26/06/2021 03:35

In the grand scheme of things, how much extra does it really cost you to have a few children at the wedding? After you paid for a dress, flowers, photos, cake, venue, honeymoon, suits, etc the cost of a few plates of food for children is going to bust the budget? I doubt it. You won’t be providing alcohol for them. How many children will there be? I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding with more than a dozen small children. When I was a teenager I didn’t go to weddings that the family was invited to. So we are talking about small children who don’t eat as much as an adult. If you can’t afford that, you couldn’t afford the wedding in the first place.

Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 03:50

@CalamityJaneDoe

I wouldn’t mind this, in fact I would expect it. If i wanted to bring my kid to anything I would expect to pay for them- if I didn’t bring them I’d be paying for them anyway to be elsewhere!

Matter of fact, I think more people should do this. Subsidising other people’s kids is expensive, and at least this way your friends get to choose- as opposed to child-free, which you clearly don’t necessarily want.

Going by your logic then you should be paying for your own meal too at the wedding. After all the OP shouldn’t be subsidising for your meal either. If they are invited to a wedding then they are guests just like everyone else. Or everyone who has a plus one or a partner should pay for them too why should the OP subsidise someone’s love life.
NiceGerbil · 26/06/2021 03:55

This thread was done the other day.

What you seem to be doing is passive aggressively saying you don't want kids.

Make your mind up

Either no kids

Or pay for them

The people who take the hint and sort everything out are going to be pretty naffed off at the ones who didn't

Some of the people who take the hint won't come because they can't get childcare

Be straightforward fgs

PurpleRainDancer · 26/06/2021 03:55

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

You either cover cost of children, or don’t invite children at all and accept that some of your friends and relatives may be unable to attend as a consequence.
This, asking people to pay for their kids is a bit grim, never heard of it.
VroomVrooom · 26/06/2021 03:59

@CalamityJaneDoe

I wouldn’t mind this, in fact I would expect it. If i wanted to bring my kid to anything I would expect to pay for them- if I didn’t bring them I’d be paying for them anyway to be elsewhere!

Matter of fact, I think more people should do this. Subsidising other people’s kids is expensive, and at least this way your friends get to choose- as opposed to child-free, which you clearly don’t necessarily want.

There is no logic behind this.

When you invite guests to your wedding, you pay for them (their drinks too, IMO). You don’t expect them to pay to be fed. 😬

silverstrawberry · 26/06/2021 04:03

No don't do that why would someone pay to attend your wedding it's brings a whole new feeling to it they are the guest and should be treated as such

user1471439310 · 26/06/2021 04:26

And us Americans are cheap.