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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

397 replies

LoubyLouLou22 · 26/06/2021 01:06

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

OP posts:
SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 26/06/2021 07:03

In the previous thread someone mentioned she had done a special lunch box for kids which they could eat whenever they want with a little toy in too. Didn't cost her much.

museumsandgalleries666 · 26/06/2021 07:04

@BobCatBob

You should organise a wedding you can afford and not expect your guests to pay.
THIS THIS THIS

Your idea is all kinds of crazy and you'll never live it down.

Come on OP, get a grip!!

PleaseCanWePutAGrownUpInCharge · 26/06/2021 07:05

Personally I wouldn’t.

Also, as soon as you charge people, you introduce an element of control and choice about what food is being served.

If I was going to a wedding where I had paid for food for my kids, but there was nothing they actually liked being served, I’d be pretty irritated having paid for it. I’d expect to be able to choose something they’d like.

I have been asked to pay for the wedding food before (as an adult). I was happy with it, but there was a lot of expectation amongst the guests that as they’d paid, they were determined to get what they’d paid for. It definitely dominated a lot of the conversation - and not in a good way!

MrsDoctorDear · 26/06/2021 07:06

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches

In the previous thread someone mentioned she had done a special lunch box for kids which they could eat whenever they want with a little toy in too. Didn't cost her much.
That's a good idea. So it doesn't have to be the full on wedding meal cost.
Pinuporc · 26/06/2021 07:09

I had a wedding invite from a good friend that said unfortunately due to numbers they could not accommodate DD (who was just under a year at the time) arrived at the wedding and there were prob about 10 babies under 2. I actually felt quite upset that our child hadnt been invited (although maybe the venue only had a limited amount of high chairs.) However about half an hour in while we were relaxing and the parents with DC were chasing their DC/trying to feed or amuse them, we actually felt quite liberated to be children for the day! Grin

sbhydrogen · 26/06/2021 07:10

@Montii

Honestly as a parent it would not bother me at all getting an invite like this. I would totally understand that people have budget restrictions and would appreciate being given the choice.

Seems that most people here don’t like it though.

Same here. I'd happily pay for my kids if I meant I didn't have to get a weekend of childcare in.
RosesAndHellebores · 26/06/2021 07:11

Options op:

Invitations addressed to: John and Jane Bloggs (equals no children)
John and Jane Bloggs and Emily and Jack (equals bring your children)
If the budget cannot change for the wedding the style of the wedding has to change.

How rude!

camelfinger · 26/06/2021 07:13

Sometimes the venue charges a per head cost, irrespective of whether the person is a child. So all the lovely suggestions about getting kids entertainment and meal boxes wouldn’t apply.

I think YABU, but in a way I wish this model was more acceptable, especially for families with younger children where the wedding is a long way from home.

We were lucky that most of our guests decided not to bring their children, and the ones who really needed to were able to without feeling bad about that. But if they’d all (about 50% of guests) decided to bring them it would have changed the dynamic considerably (and made it much more expensive as the caterers would only do 1x meal and 1x veggie option.

Oysterbabe · 26/06/2021 07:13

You can't expect your guests to fund your wedding. You need to choose something that is within your budget.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 26/06/2021 07:13

2 options

  1. Have a wedding you can afford
  2. Blanket ban on children and accept some people won’t attend

YABVU

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/06/2021 07:16

You’d get a lot of requests if you’d do that. Little Tommy will/ won’t eat ABC or please source/ prepare something else.

HerMammy · 26/06/2021 07:17

Work within your budget, I never understand ppl who organise a wedding they can’t afford then come up with these ideas.

Shoxfordian · 26/06/2021 07:17

Just have a child free wedding if you can’t afford it

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 26/06/2021 07:20

I said this on the other thread too. I got married last Feb in the cotswolds adults were £100 per head and kids £10. There's no way you can ask people to pay to bring kids to YOUR wedding. You invite them you pay!

OldTinHat · 26/06/2021 07:20

No. 100% absolutely NO.

roguetomato · 26/06/2021 07:21

I think it's ok to have no children allowed wedding. But it's not ok to let guest pay. That's embarrassing. Better ask them not to bring them in the first place.

VettiyaIruken · 26/06/2021 07:21

You can either afford the wedding or you can't
If you can't afford it then you scale it back. You don't ask guests to make up the difference.

worrybutterfly · 26/06/2021 07:23

I'm surprised so many people are horrified by this. I think if done well it's not an awful idea, but you need to talk to people about this not just put it on the invite.

If you're close enough to these people to talk to them then there is probably a compromise you can find. If you aren't close enough then it's probably best to just not invite their children.

How much are the children? How many are there? Does your venue allow younger children to attend for free if they don't have a meal?

For children under 5 you could probably get away with saying 'we're unable to cater for children but you're welcome to bring DC along with a packed lunch'. Most parents would just bring their DC with a packed lunch and give them some hot food off of their plate.

Or you could have an age cut off point. We specifically invited only children under 12s, because we could give them a £15 children's meal. We couldn't afford to invite children over 12 at £65 a head. There was one couple that left their 15 year old at home for the day but didn't want them home alone late at night so they had them dropped off for just the evening disco and buffet.

Backhills · 26/06/2021 07:28

No, you need to either

  • reduce your guest list to one you can afford
  • reduce the kind of wedding to one you can afford
  • not invite children, knowing some parents won't come. Which is actually fine. If they really wanted to be there, the vast majority could find childcare. You might have to accept that people aren't desperate to be at your wedding.
  • Look critically at the guest list and invite some children. Those of the people most important to you or those who have furthest to travel perhaps. My sister got married where she lives, so the vast majority of her friends were local and she didn't invite their children. She did however, invite my children and those of her oldest school friend.

I think if I was asked, I'd take it as a fairly strong hint that you didn't want children there, so I wouldn't bring them. Which may or may not affect whether I would go.

Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 07:29

So @worrybutterfly you can’t see a problem because what you did is just as bad. People were probably talking about you the way the people are talking on here. So you invited family and friends but left out all over 12s . If someone only invited some of my children to a wedding I can safely say we all wouldn’t be going .

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 26/06/2021 07:29

It's not the worst thing in the world, but I'd say YABU overall.

If it were me I'd probably decline if it's an expensive meal, as my toddler would likely drop a good portion of it, or may refuse to eat it. If you provided a lunch box or gave the option for parents to bring a packed lunch, I'd personally much prefer that as I know what he'll eat and could bring something that creates minimal mess.

Smallredclip · 26/06/2021 07:29

Massive no. Cheap. Have the wedding you can afford.

Treezan82 · 26/06/2021 07:29

Omg no. Invite less people or have a cheaper reception - that is just embarrassing.

hownowbrowncowz · 26/06/2021 07:30

Of course you can't do this. What an absolutely batshit idea!

PurpleyBlue · 26/06/2021 07:31

worrybutterfly that sounds awful. It sends a message that only kids under 12 are considered worth paying for.