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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

397 replies

LoubyLouLou22 · 26/06/2021 01:06

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

OP posts:
Skysblue · 27/06/2021 18:30
  • no child weddings are wanky and it’s really nice of OP to not take that easy but selfish option
  • OP can’t afford to invite all her friends if she pays for all the kids
  • as a parent I would MUCH rather get an invite like this than one to a no child wedding (which I would bin angrily).
  • chat to the parents and providers to see if there are any other options. Eg my child would much rather bring a packed lunch BF or dinner than be served slow wedding food that they might not like.
EnidPrunehat · 27/06/2021 18:32

Truly, what fresh wedding hell is this? Don't be silly. You invite the numbers you can afford to host. If the cost of your wedding won't divide around the number of guests you really must invite then you plan for the sort of wedding that will. You don't mug kids for an entry fee.

DamnitFanny · 27/06/2021 18:32

I was going to say YABU but then remembered my niece got married and invited me and DH to wedding, reception and evening ‘do’ but only invited my 4 kids to the evening one. It was over an hours drive to get there so would have had to spend over 4 hours driving to get there, leave after reception, go home, pick up kids, drive back and drive home so had to decline kids’ invite. It would have been so much easier to o have the option of bringing them and buying their food and they would have loved it! As it worked out, hardly anyone stayed for the later disco as we all had to go home to our kids.

KarmaStar · 27/06/2021 18:32

No that would be awful.
Plus as they are paying they may feel entitled to have a say in the child's menu as such and such a child doesn't like this but loves that,I'm not talking about allergies,just preferences say for sausages instead of fish fingers.
Go for adults only op.

Have a lovely wedding !💐

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/06/2021 18:34

no child weddings are wanky and it’s really nice of OP to not take that easy but selfish option
🤣🤣🤣

annacondom · 27/06/2021 18:36

You don't want bad vibes/upset people on your wedding day. Invite the dch, pay for them too, and cut costs somewhere else.

viques · 27/06/2021 18:38

@LoubyLouLou22

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

Your inbox will be pinging

“Do you want me to pay for Jemima. Who will only be six months old and would just need the reception staff to provide a microwave, a high chair and a quiet place for me to bf”

“Giles is three and Miles is 2, neither of them eat much so would be happy to share a meal, so will only be paying for one of them”

“Toby is 12 and would need an adult size meal. Thankyou in advance.”

“ Due to food issues I will be bringing all Teddy’s food and drinks for the day so will not need to pay for a meal”

“Looking forward to seeing you, the girls have decided they are vegetarian and only eat organic. I am sure the venue will be able to provide suitable meals. Vanessa is also gluten intolerant as I am sure you remember.”

Pipsquiggle · 27/06/2021 18:41

Personally I would just go for a no kids option, however, if you have enough space and can afford it look into the children's party option.
When I got married we went for a no children's wedding - mainly due to capacity - if we invited people's children we would have had to 'cull' about 12 lifelong friends.

I personally love child free weddings, it really gives the parents an opportunity to let their hair down and genuinely catch up with people they hadn't seen in a while without being pestered by their kids.

MrsMiddleMother · 27/06/2021 18:41

I don't think it's a bad idea at all! Also gives people who really have no childcare a chance to go to the wedding but those who don't want to pay can say no.

DrCoconut · 27/06/2021 18:43

When I married my now ex, we had our reception at a social club. It was very informal with no seating plans, speeches, fretting about who could come etc. We had the first wave of buffet catered and then had a load of stuff from the cash and carry in the kitchen and volunteers to bring it out if the table was looking a bit light. The entertainment was a couple of bands that we knew. The first drink was free then pay bar (this is normal in my experience, I have never been to a wedding with unlimited drinks provided). It might have been nice to have a posh hotel, big meal etc but we ran with what we could afford and it worked really well. And I'm just as divorced now as if we'd spent £1000's on it 😂.

monkifish · 27/06/2021 18:47

Yeah it's not great. I think invite cut the invite list and pay for everyone rather than making people pay for kids.

Bananahana · 27/06/2021 18:47

Don’t. Just suck it up. It looks so so tight and you’ll be spoken about as ‘that woman’ for years to come.

Buffs · 27/06/2021 18:51

It just looks mean. Kids eat hardly anything anyway. Why don’t you do a separate kids menu of something cheaper like simple pasta?

Cakeandcoffeea · 27/06/2021 18:57

If you can’t afford it invite less people

ChrissyPlummer · 27/06/2021 18:58

I can’t believe people are suggesting the OP hires children’s entertainment/babysitters/bouncy castles and changes her whole wedding for other people’s kids 😂. Things like ‘have a buffet’ and someone saying they’d be annoyed at wedding favours and what they cost if they were charged for their kids.

I have a friend I’ve known since high school, if I were getting married I’d ask her and her OH but not their DC as I don’t know them (one I’ve only seen twice in six years) and don’t have a relationship with them. I wouldn’t be having cheaper food or a different venue so I could accommodate kids I don’t know by hiring a magician or some other nonsense.

Seriously OP, just say no kids and accept some folk won’t come.

JamieLeeBee · 27/06/2021 19:02

I'm sorry, as a lone parent with very, VERY little childcare, I would be insulted to the core if someone did this to me. Quite simply, if they want me there then I'd expect my daughter to be there too.

If they want me to pay for her just for me to attend... Quite simply put, I wouldn't attend. And I'd certainly reconsider my friendship.

cookie4640 · 27/06/2021 19:11

It’s your wedding so do as you please! I’d love to get an invite that said no children, or children can come and cost xyz…. Perfect excuse to leave the lil buggers at home 😂

waitingpatientlyforspring · 27/06/2021 19:12

[quote Blondeshavemorefun]@waitingpatientlyforspring your dc was 9mths

Sure he cost them barely anything

Def didn’t have the 3 course sit down mean and bubbly 😂😂

@LoubyLouLou22 what is the cost of kids meal

How many kids do you have coming[/quote]
He had a proper 3 course childs meal served to him. No he didn't eat it all but they were still charged it. As will op if her wedding is a formal sit down meal. In this instance children don't cost next to nothing, they are usually half the price of adults meals which at £30+ per head becomes expensive.

Mytwopennysworth · 27/06/2021 19:22

@TolkiensFallow

Btw - telling your guests to “take the opportunity for a child free night” feels really shitty when you don’t have any options
This!

I’d rather spend my very very rare child free nights on something I want, like alone time with my DH.

YummyButter · 27/06/2021 19:28

As a mother myself, if I got an invite like this I wouldn't mind at all. At least I have the choice to bring my baby if I wanted/could. I personally think a blanket (no children) is worse than saying (pay for your kids meals). The kids probably won't eat much, so it's a waste of money anyway. I don't see why the people above think it's such a bad idea, weddings are bloody expensive!!

YummyButter · 27/06/2021 19:29

@Cakeandcoffeea

If you can’t afford it invite less people
Why? So that she can invite a load of kids instead? Seems like a ridiculous suggestion tbh.
LauraPearl · 27/06/2021 19:30

At our Wedding we had just the bridesmaids and page boys and a smattering of close family kids. Not one person who was invited declined due to childcare issues.

I think people who have kids expect to have to arrange childcare from time to time. Also, you might be surprised at how many parents (myself included) can't wait to chuck the kids in the direction of whoever will have them, and come to a wedding child free. If they WANT to come, they'll make it work.

I think your idea of allowing people to pay for their kids is meant with good intentions, but I just feel it wouldnt be recieved well. Whatever you do, I hope you enjoy your Big Day!

Emsie1987 · 27/06/2021 19:33

I wouldn't be offended. One of the reasons why I had a child free wedding as the budget wouldn't stretch to accommodate 30 kids.

Is it possible you could do a child free wedding and then when you speak to your guests in person or by text. You just mention the reason and say if if they want to bring them it will be x amount. People at your wedding are supposed to be your life time friends and family. If you can't speak to them about stuff like this they shouldn't be invited in the first place.

BrilliantBetty · 27/06/2021 19:43

I'd be much happier that you offered the option of bringing DC and paying for it than not inviting them and I have to source childcare or, more likely, decline.

Unless it was extortionate I would be v happy to pay. It would mean I give a smaller gift though, probably, but you say you're not asking for gifts anyway.

I think this is a good (if slightly strange) solution, TBH.

Jeannie88 · 27/06/2021 19:43

Sorry but I don't think you can do this without a lot of backlash. Many would think it unfair, probably wouldn't bother those without kids. Why don't you ask for monetary donations, common practice now, and these will help towards costs. X

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