To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

[LoubyLouLou22]

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I'm always surprised when people they have no one whatsoever they can leave their child with at all. Excluding babies under 1 where I think its difficult when they are still very reliant on bf.

I've never used a stranger to babysit, but don't most people have someone they know locally and use relatively regularly (eg lots I know use the staff from their child's nursery). Do so many people have absolutely no family whatsoever who can have a child for a wedding?

If you have absolutely no one what on earth would you do with your child if there was a medical emergency?

I do think it's important to put in place things like this, not for weddings per se but generally.

There are plenty of people who do not have anybody to look after their children, myself included. As for medical emergencies then the children either come along or if it’s one of our children either myself or my DH stay home with the others. I always assumed my family would help with babysitting given I was always willing and the main babysitter for my siblings and older cousins, but no, my parents were too tired and “old” even though they looked after my brothers DCs every fucking week, my older DB who I babysat for 100s of times over the years, even moving in to help with his DCs when him and my SIL were starting their own business, wasn’t interested in babysitting, he’d apparently done his time with kids…. And my other DB and SIL had a “very hard life” and needed to get out with his mates every weekend hence my parents looking after his kids.

At a push we could contact DHs family who live a couple of hours away who would help in an absolute emergency, his parents are in their 70s not very mobile and could not handle 3 young children.

I did once call my mother when i was having chest pains and my Dr told me to call 999, I had a 5 month old baby at the time. Her response was, o but I’ve just got into bed with a brew and watching loose women, once your at the hospital call me again and if I need to I will come and get the baby or pick the others up from school, but I will have to do it early and drop them off at the hospital as I’m taking (dbs daughter) to dance straight after school….

So no, not everyone has people that can look after their children.

Haha, I'd laugh my ass off if I got a wedding invitation asking me to pay for my children to attend, and I'd be very happy to have an excuse not to go! I'm happy to pay for my children to attend something we actually want to to do, something fun but weddings really don't fall into that category!

Seriously, just go and have a wedding you can actually afford for a few family members to attend, no one else is interested, weddings are tedious and expensive and most people only accept invitations grudgingly because they don't want to cause offence. If you want to get married just fucking do it, don't bore everyone else to death with it!

I dont see the option of it either, if each couple has 2 children (some more), that's a lot more heads to pay for.

Id happily pay towards my children.

I dont see the problem.. Not option

*I'm always surprised when people they have no one whatsoever they can leave their child with at all. Excluding babies under 1 where I think its difficult when they are still very reliant on bf.

I've never used a stranger to babysit, but don't most people have someone they know locally and use relatively regularly (eg lots I know use the staff from their child's nursery). Do so many people have absolutely no family whatsoever who can have a child for a wedding?

If you have absolutely no one what on earth would you do with your child if there was a medical emergency?

I do think it's important to put in place things like this, not for weddings per se but generally.*

There's a massive difference between someone who would look after your DC in a medical emergency and someone prepared to do it so you could go to a wedding! I would be more than happy to step in to care for a neighbour or school mum's child if it was an emergency but I wouldn't just so they could go to a wedding.

I don't see a problem with it at all gives people an option to bring their children if they want to and to sort alternative arrangements if not I have 5 and id not mind having to pay for them to eat probably cheaper than a babysitter for the night 🤷‍♀️

Don't invite kids and if anyone asks say I couldn't stretch in the budget it's not that I object to having them. Then leave them to offer to pay for the kid or not. Just don't do what you are suggesting

There are plenty of people who do not have anybody to look after their children, myself included. As for medical emergencies then the children either come along or if it’s one of our children either myself or my DH stay home with the others. I always assumed my family would help with babysitting given I was always willing and the main babysitter for my siblings and older cousins, but no, my parents were too tired and “old” even though they looked after my brothers DCs every fucking week, my older DB who I babysat for 100s of times over the years, even moving in to help with his DCs when him and my SIL were starting their own business, wasn’t interested in babysitting, he’d apparently done his time with kids…. And my other DB and SIL had a “very hard life” and needed to get out with his mates every weekend hence my parents looking after his kids.
At a push we could contact DHs family who live a couple of hours away who would help in an absolute emergency, his parents are in their 70s not very mobile and could not handle 3 young children.
I did once call my mother when i was having chest pains and my Dr told me to call 999, I had a 5 month old baby at the time. Her response was, o but I’ve just got into bed with a brew and watching loose women, once your at the hospital call me again and if I need to I will come and get the baby or pick the others up from school, but I will have to do it early and drop them off at the hospital as I’m taking (dbs daughter) to dance straight after school….
So no, not everyone has people that can look after their children.

Don't you have friends you can swap baby sitting favours with? That's what we used to do - sometimes with both DCs going to different friends houses.
Then when the friends' parents had weddings to go to, or whatever, we'd have their children.

Isn't that how the world works?

The last time we were invited to a child free wedding, it was in Wales. We live in the SE and many parents and sisters live in Yorkshire and Somerset. It was a weekend wedding during the school term, so we would have needed to stay away 2 nights, and either drive DD to Yorkshire or Somerset, drive to Wales, drive back to pick DD up, and back home all between 3pm Friday and late Sunday. We have friends locally who we could ask to take DD for an afternoon, but not two nights! And even if we took her, everyone who could babysit would be at the wedding! We’d either have to pay for an all day babysitter (not easy to get and expensive even at a hotel!), or we’d be paying for a 2-night away stay for three us us just so DP could attend a wedding and I could stay with DD.

Why would we do this for someone’s wedding who doesn’t want DD there? And why on Earth is there some kind of assumption that we’re some kind of strange social failures for not having people to hand that we can park our DD with for two nights? DD’s friends have siblings and parents with two busy jobs. They aren’t set up to babysit another 8 yo for the whole weekend and why would they want to?

We can’t be alone in having family who live around the country, or who for whatever reason are just not set up to take a child so we can go to a wedding? We live here because of our jobs. It would be a lovely idea if we could live nearer to family but there aren’t jobs in our fields there. We have people locally who could take DD if we had a medical emergency (lots of people don’t even have that!), but that doesn’t mean we can just ship DD off for overnight stays with them at will.

Really? What a cheek.

Just invite people as family units and invite the number of family units you can afford

Blondes sit on fence pulling splinters

If someone said to me due to budget would love your kids there but can’t afford it, bring a packed meal or its £10 a head for nuggets and chips and ice cream

I would be ok with this

@LoubyLouLou22 how much is kids meal

Tho also feel if you can’t afford the wedding then have less guests

I’m having family only kids to ours in a month and that’s think 13/55

As tho boris said as many as you like he forgot to mention the sd aspect so our venue guest list is now smaller then what we wanted

But I didn’t say to the parents of kids , leave at home so we can have 13 more adults

Isn't that how the world works?

Not for everyone, no. It really is not that simple for many, many people.

OP, whilst I can see that in your head this sounds a great compromise and wouldn't upset anyone, unfortunately (said with kindness as tone gets lost online) I think you may be getting slightly lost in Wedding World, which is somewhat apart from Real World.

You really, really should not put this in an invitation. You will look a cheeky mare even to those without children and therefore totally unaffected. And weddings have a way of causing long term changes in relationships with people somehow, more than a one off row would do.

Invite close family and their children, plus close friends and their children IF you know them. Not your friend from work with all their family that you know exist in the abstract but realistically are not part of your life. For them, just invite friends plus partner.

If even that leaves loads of kids to pay for, invite just the adults on the more emotionally distant invitations. (Not sure how else to phrase that!) Don't say "child free." Leave that open to interpretation. The assumption for most would be adult only. And then if anyone queries that, you have an opening to explain your dilemma and share your idea with those it could affect, who are the only ones who need to know it is an option. Just be tactful!

And really, it comes down to your particular group of family and friends as to how they would receive that idea...which is something noone online can help you with.

Congratulations on your wedding, hope it all goes well no matter what you decide to do and that you have a wonderful day!

*Don't you have friends you can swap baby sitting favours with? That's what we used to do - sometimes with both DCs going to different friends houses.
Then when the friends' parents had weddings to go to, or whatever, we'd have their children.

Isn't that how the world works?*

It is if you have local friends. Not everyone does.
My closest friends are a 2 hour drive away and they're always busy. The rest of my friends and family are further away.

I have acquaintances locally but I haven't lived here long enough to have good friends that I'd be happy to ask to watch my children for a non-emergency.

I can see your logic but there are so many traditions associated with weddings that I think this would raise eyebrows, I would probably laugh - 'We'd love your darlings to come - if you cough up for them'. Please find enclosed our gift list! Because a wedding invite is seen by many as an expression of how close you are to that person/family and by extension your hospitality extended to them for the day. To ask for some payment is a bit of a mixed message and looks like you don't really want them to attend. I also think it's a bit toe-curling to put the question of paying in an invite (think about it - are you going to put the details of how much, how and when to pay etc?) By the same logic it wouldn't be ok to ask +1's to pay their way either!
Basically the safe option is go child free, or go somewhere you can afford to cater for the numbers you're inviting.
On a final practical point, do you really want to be juggling the matter of who has/nt paid, menu tweaks and tedious comings and goings over choices - because if people have paid for their kids they are also likely to be more demanding of what they're getting for their money!

Yes I think it is fine.

On a final practical point, do you really want to be juggling the matter of who has/nt paid, menu tweaks and tedious comings and goings over choices - because if people have paid for their kids they are also likely to be more demanding of what they're getting for their money!

Yeah, I was thinking about that. And how will you keep track on the day itself? Are you going to send wristbands they have to wear, that entitles them to a slice of pepperoni pizza and a 7-Up? What if someone doesn't get round to transferring the money but then shows up with toddlers? I mean, you can't send them away. I suppose you could make them do the washing up.

It’s all a matter of perception In your own family and friend group.
When we got married, it took place over a weekend and we paid for some of our guests accommodation but not others.
In my family/culture that was just seen as part of your duty that you would put up your family. I understand this is not the case for most people.
We had a wedding of 120 people and if we had paid for accommodation for everyone it would be unviable financially. However, we did pay for about 10 close family members. We asked the other guests to pay for their own accommodation. This did not cause any drama or confusion and no one seemed to mind who had to pay for their own stay.
Asking guests to contribute for part of a wedding might not be the norm, but no one seemed to mind and it meant we could have the wedding we personally wanted (honouring my family culture/tradition) without compromising on something else. Congratulations on getting married, generally people want to help you out as much as they can when planning a wedding. :) good luck.

I personally wouldn't do that.

Why do people make their decision to have a wedding into their guests' problem?? Nobody asked you to decide on a wedding (except your partner presumably).
Do what you can actually afford and let your friends & family turn up to celebrate with you.

I got married 6 years ago and I can remember paying specially for some people’s children’s meals. I can under understand from the same point of view. I’m with you OP, you are being very reasonable, although expect some backlash and fall outs!

*Don't you have friends you can swap baby sitting favours with? That's what we used to do - sometimes with both DCs going to different friends houses.
Then when the friends' parents had weddings to go to, or whatever, we'd have their children.

Isn't that how the world works?*

We have never been away without kids for one night in 16 years. It's a big imposition unless you have very close friends in a similar situation. My parents will have kids for a couple of hours but not overnight. BTW we have 4 kids so I can see it from their POV.

I think it should be smaller guest list or no children. I'd opt for smaller guest list if it was me.

Be prepared that the parents may well not come if they have to pay and also be prepared to lose some friends. Personally I wouldn’t have a problem with it, especially if they were good friends. DH and I would definitely snigger about it but still cough up. I know the consensus on here is to get really miffed, bitch about them for ages and never speak to them again. Your choice really
😂

I wouldn’t mind receiving this type of invite. Weddings are a huge juggle and I’d want the bride and groom to spend £ on the day they want.