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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask people to pay for their children at our wedding

397 replies

LoubyLouLou22 · 26/06/2021 01:06

We’re looking into our options for a wedding celebration and most of our friends have children. I have no issue with having children at the wedding but am struggling with the budget and it would save us a significant amount if we didn’t invite children.

Some guests are local and others are spread around the country so I don’t feel like a blanket “no children” would work as it may be difficult for the guests travelling a distance to sort childcare for the weekend.

Would I be unreasonable to put something similar to the following in our invitations?

“whilst we’d love to be able to invite your kids we can’t stretch our budget that far as it would double the numbers, therefore the invite is for you and your partner and you’re welcome to bring your kids at a cost of £x per head”

OP posts:
Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 10:50

I don’t think OP is coming back is she

daisypond · 26/06/2021 10:52

@Boomisshiss

I love how people are describing children at a wedding as tag alongs. Glad I think more highly of my nieces and nephews and god children than that . Wow just wow.
But most people’s children are tag-alongs. Nieces and nephews are one thing if you see them a lot and you have a relationship with them, but most people surely don’t have relationships with their friends’ children. I’ve never met some my friends’ children in 20 years. And those I have met a lot, and I’ve known them since they were babies, the children still aren’t my friends.
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 26/06/2021 10:53

Have a blanket no child rule.

If they complain say they are more than welcome to pay if they like.

Eviethyme · 26/06/2021 10:54

I always find this wierd because i wouldn't mind paying for my kids if a reasonable price :S i would pay up to £10 per child but no more but i wouldn't find it cheeky

dopeyduck · 26/06/2021 11:12

I would just see it as a 'we don't really want your kids there'. I wouldn't pay to take DS but I also wouldn't go with DP without DS. Either one of us (whoever's friend etc it was) would go alone or we'd just not go at all.

Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 11:21

@daisypond some people are closer with their friends children than their own family. I’m not “friends” with some of my friends partners either so they should pay ? I’m not friends with my cousins partners either again by your logic then they should pay too ?

HoboSexualOnslow · 26/06/2021 11:33

I'd do it, but I am a fan of childfree weddings and it might thin the crowd

HollowTalk · 26/06/2021 11:36

For those suggesting a separate room, why would anyone want a room with screaming children next to the room where they're having a meal? I can't think of anything worse.

Boomisshiss · 26/06/2021 11:38

@HollowTalk

For those suggesting a separate room, why would anyone want a room with screaming children next to the room where they're having a meal? I can't think of anything worse.
It would also be a lot more expensive to hire a couple of qualified childcare providers than pay for some children’s meals.
wasthataburp · 26/06/2021 11:40

Oh no. You can't ask that.

Just say no children

VeganCheesePlease · 26/06/2021 11:47

If you want to do it this way, I think it might be better to explain in person to your friends rather than word it on the invite. I can see how it might go down funny with some.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 26/06/2021 11:56

@Montii

Honestly as a parent it would not bother me at all getting an invite like this. I would totally understand that people have budget restrictions and would appreciate being given the choice.

Seems that most people here don’t like it though.

I don't like OPs wording, but the concept itself wouldn't upset me as a parent or a friend.
WalkingOnTheCracks · 26/06/2021 11:56

@HollowTalk

For those suggesting a separate room, why would anyone want a room with screaming children next to the room where they're having a meal? I can't think of anything worse.
Oh, you must be able to. Really try.
Permanentlygrumpy · 26/06/2021 12:05

Also cut down on your frilly extras such as table favours, professional flower arrangements, photo booths etc. Once you do this, you won't need to cut down on guests. It's more important that your guests are fed & watered appropriately than having all the extras.

daisypond · 26/06/2021 12:17

[quote Boomisshiss]@daisypond some people are closer with their friends children than their own family. I’m not “friends” with some of my friends partners either so they should pay ? I’m not friends with my cousins partners either again by your logic then they should pay too ?[/quote]
Well, I might not invite them if you’re not friends. Children are a different case, because they’re dependent on their parents, so I can see why they might have to come. But the number of children can outweigh the number of adults at a wedding if you get married later than your friends and relatives, and you might not know any of them. I didn’t have any guests at all at my wedding, but that’s not a choice everyone would make.

Gettingbiggerandbigger · 26/06/2021 12:18

Not read the whole thread but why don’t you ask your family and friends what they would prefer? I’m sure for some paying for a child’s meal would be cheaper and far more convenient than arranging babysitters. I’d happily cover the costs of my children at a wedding. If they prefer being child free for the day then problem solved.

We had children at our wedding, Im not a fan of child free weddings. However when we got married all the children invited were all very young, the oldest was 8, we catered for that child but the rest were 5 and under at the time so we didn’t cater for them with the main catering co. I think there were 15 in total. It wasn’t a traditional sit down wedding though, we hired a venue and brought in our own catering company. The grounds were stunning so we had the tables all set up outside and guests sat where ever they wanted. Some of the children had small plates of food from the caterers as their parents just shared there’s (they were very large portions) the rest we had small platters of sandwiches and party food for them which we had prepared separately and their parents brought extras just in case. We also figured children wouldn’t want to wait around for meals to be served so their food was put out straight away. No one had a problem with it, it would be mad to pay full price for a wedding meal for a child who would barely touch the food. Given we had a free bar if anyone had complained to my face or behind my back I would have told them where to go.

zingally · 26/06/2021 12:22

No, don't do this.

Either have a "child free" wedding, or accommodate the kids.

"Charging" for kids rather reads like kids being second-rate citizens. And as people are already going to be forking out for travel, accommodation, outfits, etc. Charging for kids to attend is another cost that will probably break the camels back.

As for having kids there... if the budget is the problem... could you not just consider a little buffet for, say, kids under 10? Kiddy party food, and the like? Trays of sandwiches and bowls of crisps? They're not going to enjoy the salmon en croute after all, are they?

mag2305 · 26/06/2021 14:20

@Permanentlygrumpy

Also cut down on your frilly extras such as table favours, professional flower arrangements, photo booths etc. Once you do this, you won't need to cut down on guests. It's more important that your guests are fed & watered appropriately than having all the extras.
@Permanentlygrumpy Totally agree. Of course it's the couple's special day but it's important that guests enjoy it too and I think food is important. We put a budget on everything else to spend on that. We had different breads and dips for a starter, roast for a main and cheesecake or sticky toffee pudding for a dessert. Wine on all the tables. Homemade pizzas and cheese platters for the evening guests. And instead of a wedding cake we had a brownie tower arrangement that the guests could help themselves too. The problem was, everyone was too full to get on the dance floor for a while after haha! Grin
Pigeonpocket · 26/06/2021 14:29

No you can't really do that.
People are so set on their dream wedding that they lose sight of reality.
If you can't afford all of the guests you want to invite to the venue you've chosen, then you can't afford that wedding. Either change the venue, the menu, or the guestlist. You have to compromise somewhere.

IronTeeth · 26/06/2021 15:07

@Boomisshiss

I love how people are describing children at a wedding as tag alongs. Glad I think more highly of my nieces and nephews and god children than that . Wow just wow.
But do you think more of your distant cousins child than your best friend?
Nanny0gg · 26/06/2021 15:23

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I'm always surprised when people they have no one whatsoever they can leave their child with at all. Excluding babies under 1 where I think its difficult when they are still very reliant on bf.

I've never used a stranger to babysit, but don't most people have someone they know locally and use relatively regularly (eg lots I know use the staff from their child's nursery). Do so many people have absolutely no family whatsoever who can have a child for a wedding?

If you have absolutely no one what on earth would you do with your child if there was a medical emergency?

I do think it's important to put in place things like this, not for weddings per se but generally.

Well, I didn't. Its not always that easy
SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 26/06/2021 16:07

I love how people are describing children at a wedding as tag alongs. Glad I think more highly of my nieces and nephews and god children than that . Wow just wow.

There's a massive difference between family children and the children of old university friends or work colleagues. The former you have an on going relationship with the latter you'll likely never get to know. I always bring the DC to family weddings so they can socialise with their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents who would be disapointed not to see them. If I can arrange childcare I don't usually bring the DC to friends' weddings (the exception being friends who know the DC well) as I'm aware it's expensive and uses up space at their wedding (it also means I can relax and have adult time with old mates).

lachy · 26/06/2021 16:28

@Boomisshiss

I don’t think OP is coming back is she
Nope. Hopefully she's rethinking her budget!
mam0918 · 26/06/2021 17:01

@PyongyangKipperbang

HAving said I wouldnt be bothered about this.....I cant help but wonder....

When did it become a thing that a couple decided on the venue and food and type of wedding they want and then decide what they can afford in terms of guests?

I have been married twice. Both time the guest list was written up and then we worked out what we could afford based on that and had the wedding that fitted our budget. It was our guests that mattered more than "the venue of my dreams" or "the dress of my dreams" or whatever.

THIS

I hate the cop out of 'we cant afford' or 'we have limited numbers'... thats not how you plan an event, the FIRST two things you figure out as host is budget and number of guest you then find a way to fit that number of guests into the budget.

Saying you cant afford more people means you prioritised an expensive venue (or dress, photographer, entertainment, photobooth, candy cart etc...) over the people you are saying that too and saying you venue has a number limit says pretty venue was more important that that guest - if that guest is your best friends child or your niece etc... of course they take their lack of priority offensively.

The biggest wedding I have ever been to had the lowest budgets, they werent mega fancy instagram wedding but people choose family and community over expensive random wedding trends.

Small weddings are fine by the way, I dont think I could host a 100 person wedding (I dont know that many people) but dont book a crazy expensive wedding venue with only room for 50 guest when you have a big guestlist of 'important' guests then expect to tell people to ditch their partners/children etc... to attend because you cant afford them/dont have room.

Husbandno3 · 26/06/2021 17:12

It sounds like you don’t want children to come to your wedding.
If I were in your position and didn’t want children to come to my wedding I would just make it clear that children are not invited.
I definitely wouldn’t ask people to pay