To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

Nope! Utterly awful attitude to have yabvu

Why does becoming a mother mean one HAS to sacrifice even the possibility of happiness?!

Even the thread title is misogynistic outdated tripe!

It's also a very poor example for your kids - especially girls - that their happiness doesn't matter!

Yes but I’d be living on the breadline poor.
I’m not talking about reduction in standard of living - I’m talking about him being able to take them wherever he wanted whilst I would barely be able to afford to feed them.

Where you getting this idea from?

I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

But you don't have to back down, you have rights you have options

What is your parents marriage like?

You sound numb, very likely clinically depressed.

First step would be to see gp about that and maybe then you'd get your fight/motivation back

This does not sound a healthy environment for the dc to be growing up in

I agree with you. If there is abuse or serial cheating then it's obviously the right thing to leave. But otherwise I think there's a duty to see your children through to adulthood. Almost every divorced woman I know with young children is less happy or equally as unhappy as they were before. Financial difficulties, exhaustion, missing the children, fighting over access. Men always move on quicker so then you have partners, step children, them moving the goalposts to keep their new partner happy. Loneliness, because god knows making a relationship work when you're both invested in the kids is hard enough, let alone when one partner would rather they weren't around a lot of the time. Then the stress of seeing your children unhappy, traumatised, begging not to go to their dads, asking if you'll get back together, having different and confusing parenting in each home, them shuttling back and forth with their stuff in a bag - what adult wants that, let along kids. My relationship would have to be absolutely fucked up before I put myself and my kids through that. But that's just me...just saying I agree with your world view. Take joy in your kids, find a great job, spend time with friends, plan trips...make the most of the situation of your in and once the kids have grown, look again.

@Mustfly

I agree with you. If there is abuse or serial cheating then it's obviously the right thing to leave. But otherwise I think there's a duty to see your children through to adulthood. Almost every divorced woman I know with young children is less happy or equally as unhappy as they were before. Financial difficulties, exhaustion, missing the children, fighting over access. Men always move on quicker so then you have partners, step children, them moving the goalposts to keep their new partner happy. Loneliness, because god knows making a relationship work when you're both invested in the kids is hard enough, let alone when one partner would rather they weren't around a lot of the time. Then the stress of seeing your children unhappy, traumatised, begging not to go to their dads, asking if you'll get back together, having different and confusing parenting in each home, them shuttling back and forth with their stuff in a bag - what adult wants that, let along kids. My relationship would have to be absolutely fucked up before I put myself and my kids through that. But that's just me...just saying I agree with your world view. Take joy in your kids, find a great job, spend time with friends, plan trips...make the most of the situation of your in and once the kids have grown, look again.

Divorced woman here, happier single than I was in any relationship. Co parent amicably with ex and both better off financially than we were together ironically. Happy well rounded DS.

I really wish people who haven't been divorced with young kids would stop trying to tell everyone else what it's like.

Divorce isn't easy, no one does it (especially with young kids) for a laugh. No one said divorce magically makes things better. But of your dh is a dick (like the ops) it's makes tackling the other issues alot easier.

Of course wome who are getting divorced have to work on themselves, do work to overcome certain issues, work on supporting your kids, work on trying to co-parent.

Its bloody hard. But, having done it, it's a damn sight better for all involved than living with a man that (the op admits) isn't involved with the kids and likes to go over the top yelling at them.

And, if it is true she is the other poster (which I believe it is) he IS abusive.

I don't know one divorced woman who is more unhappy than they were before. I also don't know any whose kids haven't bloomed.

Because usually, when women with young kids make that decision to leave its because they know, staying is the shittier option.

There are not droves of women, leaving marriages on a whim expecting it to be fairytale and pulling their kids along for the ride.

Oh and now earn more that 50% more than I did when I was married.

I left my DDs dad when she was 10 months old. It wasn't a bad relationship, it just wasn't great either...vanilla was the word I used.

I woke up one day and realised that i was teaching my daughter that my own happiness and self worth wasn't important and I didn't want her to feel like that. Two parents apart but happy are far, far superior to two together who aren't. From personal experience it's also far more detrimental to teenage years and realise your entire childhood was a lie..

@Rollingsunset - I wish my parents had split up earlier, they were so bad for each other and generally made everyone miserable.
They waited until my baby brother was in his late teens and the rest of us were adults and we all agreed they should have done it 10yrs earlier - they both were nicer people when they were no longer married.
Staying together "for the children" is no good if you are miserable. They will know and will pick up on it over time, they may even blame themselves for that and I can tell you that kind of guilt is really shit.

@Mustfly

I agree with you. If there is abuse or serial cheating then it's obviously the right thing to leave. But otherwise I think there's a duty to see your children through to adulthood. Almost every divorced woman I know with young children is less happy or equally as unhappy as they were before. Financial difficulties, exhaustion, missing the children, fighting over access. Men always move on quicker so then you have partners, step children, them moving the goalposts to keep their new partner happy. Loneliness, because god knows making a relationship work when you're both invested in the kids is hard enough, let alone when one partner would rather they weren't around a lot of the time. Then the stress of seeing your children unhappy, traumatised, begging not to go to their dads, asking if you'll get back together, having different and confusing parenting in each home, them shuttling back and forth with their stuff in a bag - what adult wants that, let along kids. My relationship would have to be absolutely fucked up before I put myself and my kids through that. But that's just me...just saying I agree with your world view. Take joy in your kids, find a great job, spend time with friends, plan trips...make the most of the situation of your in and once the kids have grown, look again.

I'm divorced and MUCH happier than I was before. Everyone I know who is divorced is much happier.

I completely disagree with the OP. And surely you can see that staying in an unhappy relationship is still damaging for the children, that they grow up with that as their view of relationships.

@Mustfly
I'm another one who is divorced, much, much happier, kids are happy, I'm financially better off (bizarrely). I only know two other divorced women, both of them are also much much happier now.

I'm genuinely surprised you know divorced women who are unhappier. I know of none.

Another divorced parent here, much happier and have been for the past 11 yrs. I was with someone else for 2 yrs, then we split.

Ive had 1 dd go to uni and another stay at home, my eldest is back home again.

I asked them both when they last heard from their dad, they say they can't remember.

I really wish people who haven't been divorced with young kids would stop trying to tell everyone else what it's like

Hear hear!

Excellent post!

In terms of effect on children far better to do it when they're younger and more able to move on than wait until they're teens/older and things deteriorate even more and the atmosphere at home - while they're dealing with teen angst, exams etc!

I've experienced/witnessed divorce and its effects from a young age and I've had friends lives massively affected by parents who should have divorced years earlier finally pulling the trigger right before they sit their GCSEs/a-levels!

I've also been the child of (an admittedly abusive) marriage that they should not only have divorced they should never have married, but certainly once a certain point was reached in the marriage there should absolutely have been a divorce

But I also have friends who's parents marriages weren't abusive per se just "cold" and its absolutely affected them in lifelong ways - one of these friends it's why she has chosen to be child free because she can't bear the thought of subjecting a child to that.

I've listened to dds friends discuss their parents similar "cold" marriages and noticed how these kids avoid going home or having friends around

I would argue it IS abusive - to the children at the very least, because an atmosphere like that is emotionally damaging

If as is suspected ops marriage is actually abusive and she isn't admitting it here then I would urge her that staying in an abusive marriage especially with children is not only nonsensical it's actually damaging

Time and time again abused ops have said to me and others like me "my kids have no idea"

Yes they do!

They see, they hear, they sense

Even if they're not seeing the actual abuse take place, they see the effects. They see bruises and marks, they see the way their abused parent (hereafter I'll say mum as it's usually mum) tenses up when the abuser (usually dad) is due home, they see the frantic tidying and "putting right" they see her face and muscles tense, they see her flinch if he coughs a certain way or looks at her a certain way, they see his body language, very often they hear the abuse - even if you think they can't or they're asleep etc, they feel the tension in the house...

I'm in my late 40's, I left home over 30 years ago and I STILL feel tense and nauseous whenever someone else is using a key to enter my home, I STILL cannot bear the smell of his favourite meal because it was what my mother made to placate him the day after an incident, I STILL can't stand the smell of his favoured drink (brand and type), I STILL tense up if I see a man light a match in a particular way...

THIRTY. YEARS. LATER

THAT is the effect living in an abusive home has

If you are in any doubt that your kids are picking up on all this op, please I beg of you even if not on this thread at least acknowledge to yourself that they are.

Because they love you, because they don't want you to be unhappy, because they don't want you being hurt (physically or mentally), because they want you to have a life, to be happy, to feel safe

You know what? All those studies that say divorce is bad for kids - I'd be very interested to know if those studies even considered that the reason children of divorced couples are unhappy/have issues is not because of the divorce but because of living in a household with such unhappy parents

@ladylokidoki so true. I knew it would be hard, and it was hard, but it was still better than staying. I couldnt have grrown or healed in that abusive relationships and there would have been so much shouting and the dc would be so damaged. As it is, we all got through the lean years, my dc1 is going to university soon and she is happy and excited. She'd have been a wreck if we'd stayed with her father, id have been a wreck too. And my son, he's taller than me and i bet he'd be yelling abuse at me too if we'd stayed.

Lifes too short to be unhappy. If you're unhappy and so is your husband, the kids will pick up on it. You don't have to be arguing for them to know.
They will think your marriage is normal and it isn't. Please get out and find some happiness. You deserve it.

Do you really think it's great for kids to be stuck in a house with parents who hate each other?

@graphista, supporting that point, there is a separated parent association that has published a very good book on rising children collaboratively and effectively after a split. Most poignant thing I read in the book was “it is not divorce that damages children but witnessing the nastiness the family goes through before the divorce”

I think is a fair point, and as my ex always said, it is better to part while we can still talk to each other than wait until we start throwing stuff at each other.

And that’s the interesting thing, there are so many people trying to save marriages that have gone past the point of no return for years on end. Marriages can be awful and soul destroying even if there is no violence or cheating.

@GrandmasCat interesting

I would agree with that assessment

I always tried to maintain amicable co-parenting relationship with ex but he was combative as hell! Even though it was his affair broke up the marriage!

His ow/2nd wife and I were friends before the affair but we managed to communicate fairly amicably about dd which helped a bit.

Unfortunately you can't make an ex behave reasonably, and believe me I tried!

Most poignant thing I read in the book was “it is not divorce that damages children but witnessing the nastiness the family goes through before the divorce”

I have always believed that to be true.

Unfortunately, we can't guarantee the other side will act in the best interests of the child. But I also think those sort of parents were having a massive detrimental impact on the kids when the relationship was intact.

Most poignant thing I read in the book was “it is not divorce that damages children but witnessing the nastiness the family goes through before the divorce”

True. It's also the way the adults behave afterwards.
Children will be guided by how WE behave and how WE react.

Have you actually told him how you are feeling and took steps to fix it?

I would do that to see if the relationship is salvageable. Tell him you need him to do more around the house and with the kids.
Tell him what you need to make the relationship better. Try counselling.

If things don’t improve then at least you will have tried. You can either limp along staying together and be unhappy or you can take steps to leave.

I grew up in a household where my parents clearly didn't love each other. There was no affection shown and the atmosphere was terrible. As a 12 year old girl, I asked them to get divorced. They didn't. It was very hard for me and my sibling. They finally got divorced when my youngest sibling was 18 and are both happy now with other people. To say my parents were incompatible is an understatement. Even now I can see their personalities are completely different. Do what's right for you OP but I think everyone deserves to be happy.

really wish people who haven't been divorced with young kids would stop trying to tell everyone else what it's like

I wish the same about people who haven't been the children of divorced parents/step parents.

I think children change the relationship temporarily. If you want to fix it then it’s worthwhile to try. My parents had some vicious fights when I was growing up & occasionally I thought they’d split. Now we’re all grown with families of our own they couldn’t be happier! 36 years married now, whereas my husband & I have 2 young babies & bicker a lot due to exhaustion. Relationships go through phases, but your happiness does matter

@Draineddraineddrained

really wish people who haven't been divorced with young kids would stop trying to tell everyone else what it's like

I wish the same about people who haven't been the children of divorced parents/step parents.

I'm divorced and a child of divorced parents, neither caused me any issues.

Unfortunately, we can't guarantee the other side will act in the best interests of the child. But I also think those sort of parents were having a massive detrimental impact on the kids when the relationship was intact.

Yes. Unfortunately some people have nightmare parents. Those parents can remain a nightmare, or one or other of them does, after a divorce.