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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Aibu to think this is too full on?

469 replies

Luckystars1 · 24/06/2021 04:12

Hi,

I met this guy about 6 years ago through a friend, who met as a group of us a few times and texted a bit but nothing happened between us, I never met him alone but it was clear he liked me, it was very brief and short lived though. we lost contact anyway and in that time he met somebody else and got engaged.

Fast forward to now he sent me a friend request on Facebook and sent me a message saying long time no speak. He explained that he’s no longer with his partner, went into detail about their nasty breakup etc and started being rude about her which I thought was inappropriate as I’d not seen him in years and I didn’t know her.

Then out of no where he put to me ‘you’re the one that got away’ ‘I always wanted you, you know I did’. We texted back and forth a bit and this is where it went from 0 to 100.

I told him I now have a 2 year old DD. He near enough straight away said ‘I’ll come up this week and meet her’ and he keeps asking about seeing me everyday. He says ‘come and see your man’

He told me he’s got cats and I said I’d love a cat if my Landlord would allow one he said ‘I’ll buy you a kitten if you’re allowed a pet’
He’s then gone on to say he’s got a caravan holiday booked at the seaside that he had booked in with his ex but he’s said me and DD can come with him ‘if we are lucky’. I didn’t say anything back to this and the next day he brought it up when I never agreed. ‘don’t forget you’re both coming away with me in October’

He also says things like ‘tell you’re landlord I’m moving in, I’ll get my bags packed’ I’d love to wake up to you every morning’ ‘you’d be lucky to have me, I’d always go out my way to put a smile on your face’ ‘I know how to spoil a woman’

Also I mentioned about a fishing lake near mine as he said he likes fishing and he put ‘you’re really making me want to marry you’

He said last night ‘he’s not stopped smiling since he messaged me and that he can’t stop thinking about me and it’s the happiest he’s felt in a long time. He put last night ‘I hope you’re thinking about me before you go to bed’

Aibu to think this is too full on? I’ve not seen him in 6 years and even then he barely knew me as we only spoke briefly and we’ve texted for only 2 days and he is saying all this among other things.

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 25/06/2021 02:53

Oh god he's sounds nuts, trying to tempt you with a kitten. Awful chap

🤣

Susannahmoody · 25/06/2021 02:53

he wasn’t very happy at all

^

He'll get over it

NeedNewKnees · 25/06/2021 04:48

Good for you, OP!

devastating · 25/06/2021 07:36

Read the beginning of the thread and got scared for you OP. Went to the end and see that you have got rid of him. Phew.

PurpleyBlue · 25/06/2021 07:40

Well done OP. Don't let him make you feel guilty this is all on him.

Gah81 · 25/06/2021 07:51

Well done for blocking, OP - and for seeing through this/instinctively understanding that something wasn't right about his behaviour from the off.

BertramLacey · 25/06/2021 07:58

I would never hurt you I promise

You can just take the 'never' out of that sentence. Ask yourself why his brain went there. My DP has never hurt me, and never promised not to. He didn't say it, it was bound up within his behaviour (rather than his words) from the start of our relationship. See also 'I'd never hit a woman' which means 'I will hit you if you stop acting in ways I deem womanly. I'll then blame you for provoking me.'

dootsnoot · 25/06/2021 08:55

I'm so pleased I came to this thread late so am able to see a positive outcome. As long as he doesn't have your address or that of your family then blocking him is by far the best course of action.

NOBODY falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live.

It happened to me at a time in my life when I was vulnerable and that relationship was quite honestly the biggest mistake and most shameful/embarrassing time of my life. It took me about 3 months to realise what a dangerous and delusional man he was and then a year to properly get away from him. He made my life hell when I broke things off with him. I'm still scared of him years later.

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 12:09

@Susannahmoody

Oh god he's sounds nuts, trying to tempt you with a kitten. Awful chap

🤣

Ye dogs suddenly I'm seeing him as a character from Royston Vasey ...

Cheers Susannah, needed that laugh :)

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 12:15

@dootsnoot Flowers

Oh please let go of any lingering shame. I'm sure you know intellectually that NONE of the shame belonged to you ... but that can be harder to accept emotionally. Women can be so conditioned to self-blame, & that's even before some manipulator gets hold of us.

You sussed your loser out in short order, it's not your fault he refused to let you cut contact. It wasn't your fault, your instincts were sound, & you are wiser & I trust much happier now xx

Crimeismymiddlename · 25/06/2021 13:08

All this in two days. You know what you need to do. This is a man who has obviously been thrown out by his girlfriend and needs somewhere to live toot sweet, luckily you won’t be the only women he is messaging this insane nonsense to so he will probably go away until the next time he needs a roof over his head.

Rubyrecka · 25/06/2021 13:10

Why are you continuing to speak to him 🙄🙄 u can't plead he's being too forward when your the second half of the conversation!

OurChristmasMiracle · 25/06/2021 13:30

Well done OP

Now you have blocked this loser it is a good time to look at what caused you to entertain this in the first place. I know being alone is hard and society preconditions us to think we need to be in a relationship- but there are women out here (like me) who are single as fuck and have never felt stronger or better for it, out here living a life they are truly happy with. Honestly I’m not closed of to finding someone but when you realise your own self worth and are content with being on your own you won’t settle for less than you deserve and you won’t be tempted by the love bombing etc.

sodabreadjam · 25/06/2021 18:46

I wonder if he has been love-bombing three or four prospects to see which one falls for his charms first.

Imagine talking about meeting your child and moving in before you have even met and been on a date.

Definitely a cock-lodger in the making - or worse.

Well done for blocking, OP.

YorkshireLass2012 · 25/06/2021 18:56

Well this lad sound unhinged to me. Or at the very least very intense. Well done for blocking him OP.
I would suggest you now review ans tighten security around all your social media accounts. Make sure none of your check ins on FB are public for example or any details about where you live or where your LO goes to nursery / childminder if she does. My husband used to investigate fraud and it is frighteningly easy to find personal details on people via their social media accounts.
Good luck OP. I really hope this is the last of it now.

Budapestdreams · 25/06/2021 19:44

Fantastic OP, well done for blocking him.

He has behaved badly, but instantly blamed you. That is very telling.

I don't think he has said or done a single thing that sounds healthy or normal.

You successfully dodged a bullet there OP! Good work.

ALongHardWinter · 25/06/2021 20:01

Apart from all the other numerous red flags you've mentioned,any man who said 'You'd be lucky to have me' would be a non-starter in my book.

Luckystars1 · 25/06/2021 21:13

Update ...

So I thought everything was ok up until half an hour ago. I received a Facebook message off him. From another account, I’ve no idea if it’s an old account or what. I didn’t even think to check if he had any other ones he could find me on.

The message said ‘I realised you blocked me yesterday and I wanted to message you and apologise, sorry if I came across in a bad way and if you think Im a weirdo and too eager. I just get a good vibe from you and I’d love the chance to see you and see where it takes us. Also, if you’re scared about having a new man around your child, don’t be, I’m actuallyreally good with kids, she’d probably end up liking me more than you’ with a smug emoji.

I mean seriously how offensive.
Then 2 minutes after that message he sent a photo of a fresh bunch of flowers. I’ve not even once agreed to meet him so why he’s got flowers or how he thinks he’s going to deliver them to me, I have no idea. Very odd

I’m actually really weirded out.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 25/06/2021 21:17

Delete your Facebook account. This is stalking behaviour.

Thelnebriati · 25/06/2021 21:18

Just keep blocking him, and if you are really concerned keep copies of all the messages.

Standrewsschool · 25/06/2021 21:21

He realises you blocked him, and contacted you again!

I agree with @Thelnebriati, keep a record of what’s happened (dates, times etc) and if you still have them, screenshot all the messages. Block again without engaging.

Hope you’re okay.

Luckystars1 · 25/06/2021 21:23

Thank you. Yeah you’re right. I’ve kept all messages on my phone what he has sent to me over the last few days. I can’t believe he says he’s realised he’s been overbearing and weird and saying sorry but then still being exactly that.

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 25/06/2021 21:28

Jesus, what a nutter!

ChargingBuck · 25/06/2021 21:38

The message said ‘I realised you blocked me yesterday and I wanted to message you and apologise, sorry if I came across in a bad way and if you think Im a weirdo and too eager. I just get a good vibe from you and I’d love the chance to see you and see where it takes us.

See Lundy Bancroft, & The Shark Cage Metaphor. links upthread.

This is 100% The Script.
He has totally ignored your stated boundary, & is just cunning enough to soften up his tone with an "apology".
His 'sorry' is worthless, because people who are genuinely sorry do not immediately repeat the offence, which is what he deliberately did when he found he was blocked & immediately stalked you on another account.

Not one sentence is about you, It is ALL about him & what he wants. It doesn;t give him a moment's hesitation, that a woman who has blocked him obviously doesn't want to date him. He is a boundary-crashing boor. DO NOT RESPOND, & BLOCK HIM AGAIN.

Also, if you’re scared about having a new man around your child, don’t be, I’m actuallyreally good with kids, she’d probably end up liking me more than you’ with a smug emoji.

He hasn't been on a single date with you. Yet he's already informing you that he's entitled to meet your child. And advertising the fact that he'd enjoy playing mind games with her, while triangulating & undermining her mother.
Please buy a copy of "The Gift of Fear" - or at least google "Gavin de Becker unsolicited promise".
Why is he mentioning "a new man" in your child's life at all? In the same sentence as you being "scared"?
DO NOT RESPOND, & BLOCK HIM AGAIN.

I mean seriously how offensive.
Disgustingly offensive. As above - I said he's cunning, but he's certainly not clever. He has some ugly thought processes.
DO NOT RESPOND, & BLOCK HIM AGAIN.

Then 2 minutes after that message he sent a photo of a fresh bunch of flowers. I’ve not even once agreed to meet him so why he’s got flowers or how he thinks he’s going to deliver them to me, I have no idea. Very odd

Emotional blackmail. See also "forced teaming" (Gavin de Becker)
DO NOT RESPOND, & BLOCK HIM AGAIN.

I’m actually really weirded out.
Well done. It's because he's a weirdo.
Don't dwell on him, unless it's to congratulate yourself on your excellent instincts & smart tactics in reaching out to MN to check your thinking.
Every minute you waste thinking about this loser is a minute you are not dedicating to yourself, & learning how to give yourself a solid shark cage via the resources mentioned by various pp's.
DO NOT RESPOND, & BLOCK HIM AGAIN.

RandomCatGenerator · 25/06/2021 21:41

Well done on being strong and decisive OP. What an absolute nutter. Keep all messages including screenshots in case he tries to find you or continues to bother you.