To be really devastated about this

[Pink98]

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

Family friend. 🤮 He just gets even more creepy. As others have said. He should have resigned.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

Imagine you had a daughter, OP, and she told you the above. How would you feel, about the daughter, about the boss? What action would you take? You do realise you couldn't have consented in those circumstances? And his age and position of authority only make it worse?

Please give yourself some compassion. It is not easy to be told you were raped, I know that from experience and I don't expect it to sink in immediately. Are you close to your brother? If he knew the circumstances, he might be pretty angry if he discovered his sister's rape was being discussed in the office.

I think the only person who should he concerned is the 40 year old manager

I have to say it's quite concerning to me that this is classed as office gossip rather than what it actually was- a young woman, taken advantage of by a much older man when intoxicated.

This certainly falls into the category of potential rape for me if you weren't in a fit state to consent or comprehend.

These office gossips should be more concerned about that than making this a trivial drunken Christmas party tale.

I think you need to rach out and confide in your parents about this. You need to get it off your chest to let it go and also to spare your brother of the tittle tattle that goes on at the company. Everyone makes mistakes.

Reach

I think you should tell your family. It reflects much worse on the sleazy old guy than it does on you. He took advantage of a young drunk junior member of staff. What a perv. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your brother may find out, so forewarned is forearmed. Get your side of the story in first and front it out. Is the sleazy perv married with kids by any chance?

Tell your brother. You weren’t in the wrong at all. It sounds like a horrible place to work, with the gossipy culture. You were taken advantage of by an older line manager. They should be the more embarrassed, not you.

Is your brother trustworthy? Would he tell your family if you told him what happened?

Was he a family friend when you were a child or younger teen?

I think the shame you feel is because you were assaulted. What happened was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You were wronged. Please speak to someone IRL. A support line at least. Don’t carry this shame with you any longer.

I hope you're ok OP

We all Make mistakes and many affairs are going on, promiscuous behave etc, it is normal young adult life behaviour.
So what.
You were consenting?
No ones business nor who or why do you care.
Are you religious?

I would laugh it off and not care so if questioned the person asking comes off as nosy.

Even if it had been consensual, whilst not he best move, it shouldn't be so devastating for you if it got out imo.

Would it be possible to brush off as the drunken kiss that was seen or did you text work people telling them what had happened?

Even so you could say that you were drunk & exaggerating.

I'm not trying to minimise btw, but you obviously have a lot o deal with & atm your concern seems to be with your brother finding out.

So I guess the question is what is likely to find out (if anything) & how much is deniable?

Is it best to tell him something so that he isn't taken by surprise if something is said?

Then he could at least have the chance to roll his eyes & say that yes, he knows about the staff party.

I have lots of older brothers and sisters (7) and started a job when I was 19. One of the managers saw my surname and remarked, "Oh, are you x's sister?" I said Yes and she told me she'd lost her virginity to my brother.

Not the same but I was like, "Great...and?!" Adult humans have sex!

He took advantage of you when you were drunk and not in a fit state to consent. He was also in a position of power, as he was your boss and in his forties when you were just a teenager.

Please consider accessing therapy so that you can process what happened.

I think you’re overthinking this. You made a drunken mistake when you were 18, who didn’t? The 40+ year old should be more embarrassed than you. Just deny it or tell him the truth, it’s none of your brother’s business anyway.

There is some dreadful victim-blaming on this thread.

OP, I hope you are able to receive appropriate support. It's absolutely terrible to look into a situation in your past and realise you were a victim of rape. I know because this has happened to me only recently. It was the second incident I've experienced, the first being unambiguously rape. It's taken me all of 25 years to realise that a separate incident was rape, too (and it was actually my first time, with someone I was besotted with). Despite the fact that I've had trauma therapy for the other incident, this realization really, really hurt.

If you can't talk to your family directly, why not try rape crisis? No one is going to press you to report this man: that decision should absolutely be entirely at your discretion. But it might help to talk to someone about what you've been through.

What your brother hears or says is immaterial compared with the gravity of this issue. Your boss is a sickening, predatory rapist.

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Please, if you take nothing else away from this thread, know that this was not a drunken teenage mistake on your part. This was in no way your fault.

People are a bit too ready to cry rapist without knowing full details. That can be very dangerous for everyone involved. OP, you were young, drunk and vulnerable to an absolute creep. Please do seek support from appropriate services to help you understand and cope with whatever did happen. I very much doubt if the staff are still talking about this. You were 18 - even if publicly flung yourself at him, as many have said, who hasn't done something regrettable as a teen? You need to be much kinder to yourself - if you heard this story about another 18 year old, I hope you would think like most here do - what a creep HE was. 💐

@Looubylou

People are a bit too ready to cry rapist without knowing full details. That can be very dangerous for everyone involved. OP, you were young, drunk and vulnerable to an absolute creep. Please do seek support from appropriate services to help you understand and cope with whatever did happen. I very much doubt if the staff are still talking about this. You were 18 - even if publicly flung yourself at him, as many have said, who hasn't done something regrettable as a teen? You need to be much kinder to yourself - if you heard this story about another 18 year old, I hope you would think like most here do - what a creep HE was. 💐

Oh c'mon, it is absolutely rape according to what we know. What you have written is textbook victim blaming.

@TheTuesdayPringle

Oh c'mon, it is absolutely rape according to what we know. What you have written is textbook victim blaming

Absolutely! If you are too drunk to remember you are too drunk to consent and if you can consent then is rape. It really is that straightforward. We’ve been conditioned as a society to blame women and absolve men of responsibility for their toxic shit.