To be really devastated about this

[Pink98]

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

He absolutely took advantage of you.

I think I would tell my brother what you have said here, pointing out the age difference and that you were out of it and how much it still worries you now.

He took advantage of you, he absolutely won't want it to be mentioned. I would tell your brother, if you feel it's possible, but if not warn your brother that this man is 'strange'.

@minipie

I would say it’s the 40+ year old boss who ought to be embarrassed. Sleeping with a horrendously drunk 18 year old employee? What a sleaze. Bluntly you were taken advantage of.

This, at best. At worst, op, I agree with others that it sounds like you were the victim of rape.

Either way, an 18yo junior vs snr 40 yo...You have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. Speak to your brother if you can, in confidence, because that puts you both in control of the situation.

And hold your head high

@WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead

Pink98, you categorically have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so sorry this happened to you. What an absolute shit that man is.

^ this!

What @unamedcat said. Plausible lie to brother before he starts there. If you don't remember giving consent you may not have given it. Boss was in the wrong taking advantage of a drunk teen employee.

Your boss took advantage of you. A middle aged man and a drunk, incapable teenager? He is the one who should be ashamed. I'd tell your brother about it, and I'd also tell him to name and shame the man, if he is still there. Hold your head up over this one, OP. This was a nasty exploitative act by a man old enough to be your father.

The 40 year old should be far more embarrassed than you. You were young and drunk and sounds like he took advantage of that. Please, don’t let this define you or your life.

You were horribly taken advantage of and by the sounds of it raped (too drunk to remember is too drunk to consent) by a family friend double your age, and you have carried his guilt and shame for years. Put it back where it belongs - on his shoulders.
I understand you may not want to take action but he could be prosecuted for this - you have witnesses who saw you very very drunk so incapable of consent. He’s a disgrace and you should feel none of his shame for him.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

If a 40 odd year old family friend had sex with me when I was out of it drunk, my dad would have been having words!!!

This. My parents would lose their heads and he wouldn’t be a family friend any more.

Can you talk to your parents?

@FierceBarrie people are saying by today’s standard it’s rape because the law has just changed to allow for prosecution of men having sex with a woman to drunk to consent.

I agree with being open and honest with your brother, if you possibly can.

Just tell him what you’ve told us.

Honestly - you are not the one at fault here.

I hope you’re OK. There is some strength of feeling on this thread, which I hope isn’t upsetting you too much. But it’s just because you’ve so very clearly been taken advantage of, and are carrying the weight of that, when you shouldn’t be.

To be honest, in the nicest possible way, if that’s the biggest worry in your life right now, you’re doing well!

It wasn’t last month or even last year. It was years ago so surely some other people will have left.

Would they even know he’s your brother? He was the one in the wrong as he was in a position of power and you were barely an adult. He’s disgusting so if anyone should feel embarrassed, it’s certainly not you!

I doubt your parents would be friendly with this vile man if they knew when their daughter had too much to drink he leapt to take advantage of her by having sex while she was drunk. Did he buy you drinks too op?

You did nothing wrong op

How long ago was it? You did nothing wrong.

To add-of this was me, I’d be honest with my family and if your bro still wants to go there then he knows all the facts

Ok calm down

If anything is said just laugh and say don’t be daft nothing happened. Or yeah I was wasted I went to kiss his cheek got his lips. Just down play it and laugh it off.

And he is a creep, sleeping with a drunk teenager who worked for him. In fact if you look up creep in the dictionary it’s got his pic as the definition.

Embarrassing, yes, but a lot more so for your former boss than for you. Are you sure you weren't too drunk to give consent, in which case this was rape?

Maybe it's because I'm not British and where I come from ppl are less prone to embarrassment, but I really don't think you should dissuade your brother from taking the job, or need to cringe all that much at him taking it.

But better give him advance warning, and use it as a teaching moment - he should not do what your boss did and take advantage of a drunk junior colleague, nor get drunk enough to be taken advantage of. AND he shouldn't be a childish gossip sniggering about sexual shenanigans years ago in a way liable to cause distress.

In short, as they say, style it out. All the best.

Oh, he's a family friend

How old are you now, Pink? 23?

If you were a bloke you'd sheepishly acknowledge this event as an amusing conquest that demonstrates your sexual prowness. I don't understand the shame part at all.

Since the guy is a family friend I think I'd tell my brother myself something vague about what happened, while asking him to not tell rest of family since it will (nominally) embarrass the old family friend and make your parents feel weird. Truth is just to protect your parents from the awkwardness.

As a parent of a 21yr old, I really don't want to know any details about my son's sex life. Ew yuck.

It’s very very unlikely that anyone will mention it.

I understand why you’re paranoid OP but it’s not the big deal to everyone else that it is to you.

Don’t tell your brother, he will probably never hear of it.

Just own it and ask why it would still be news. It makes your ex boss look bad not you.

Was your drink spiked? Is that why you have no memory of what happened?

I don't know why everyone is saying 'brazen it out', 'say it never happened

Fact is someone in a position of seniority and a family friend to boot, had sex with an 18 year old employee.

Bow a bit older and wiser OP, you absolutely shouldn't be shamed and being told to keep you mouth shut or lie.

Obviously it's up to you how you handle it, but please do not be ashamed. That sad fycking excuse of a man should be thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour.

I would have told my parents by now.

The best thing is to tell your brother. To be honest, if you can't remember all that happened, it suggests that you were incapable of giving consent, and I think that is rape.