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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really devastated about this

195 replies

Pink98 · 22/06/2021 19:08

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

OP posts:
peridito · 22/06/2021 21:00

Not that it makes the man's actions less shocking ,but I don'think we've been told he was married have we ?

Mammyloveswine · 22/06/2021 21:00

@Babygotblueyes

Come clean to the family. Tell them you learned from it and made changes in your life. Warn your brother so he can use the 'so what?' response. The best way to deal with this kind of gossip is to shrug and seem unbothered. Then move on. You did not break any laws, we have all slept with people we wish we hadn't, and have all done embarrassing things as a teenager. He (boss) should be far more embarrassed that you.
The op does not need to be embarrassed and does not need to justify herself..she was RAPED!

It is 2021 and still people are victim blaming!!!

fruitbrewhaha · 22/06/2021 21:02

Jesus Fuck what am I reading?

This man, a friend of your parents, who has known you since you were young (I'm guessing) got you so pissed at a work do you didn't know what you were doing and can't remember! He raped you OP.

Please tell your parents. I would want my daughters to be able to talk to me about something like this happening to them and my DP would......... it would not be pretty.

You are traumatised, which is why you are so panicked. You need to be able to talk about this without the shame. There is no shame for you OP.

KateTheEighth · 22/06/2021 21:02

Hideous abuse of power by your then boss

And I bet you weren't the only one he homed in on over the years

Utter sleazeball

GinPink · 22/06/2021 21:02

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP Thanks

ejhhhhh · 22/06/2021 21:03

I think you should seek some counselling OP. This is the link to Rape Crisis, you might be able to talk to someone who can help you process what has happened. You say you're worried about your family finding out that you slept with a much older family friend. It does sound like you were actually raped by a family friend. How do you think your your parents would react to that? Do you think you can turn to them for support? You have nothing to feel ashamed about, this wasn't your fault. I do think it would be worth talking this through with someone like Rape Crisis. Unfortunately perpetrators are often members of the victim's family or a family friend, so it is completely understandable that you feel scared of broaching this with your family. A counsellor should be able to give you some advice on broaching this with your family, if that's what you decide you want to do.
rapecrisis.org.uk/

xsquared · 22/06/2021 21:03

Your ex boss is the one who should be ashamed OP. You were young and drunk, and he was in a position of authority. The fact that he is a family "friend" shows that he abused the trust your family has in him, and he knew you'd be too embarrassed to let members of your family know.

No advice about what to tell your brother though. I'd probably warn him that there will be a lot of gossip about you before hand and if he presses you'd have to be honest with him. One thing is clear is that this ex boss is absolutely not to be trusted and I would warn your brother of him.

shetlandponies · 22/06/2021 21:03

Just deny it

Also your old boss sounds a right sad creepy cunt. 🤢

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 22/06/2021 21:06

If a 40 odd year old family friend had sex with me when I was out of it drunk, my dad would have been having words!!!

Agree with this^

If you’ve got normal sane parents, they won’t be upset at YOU if they find out, op.

Viviennemary · 22/06/2021 21:07

In the million to one chance this comes out deny all knowledge and say they have got you mixed up with somebody else. Stop worrying.,

Maskless · 22/06/2021 21:07

Lie.

Yes, people saw him kiss me when I was blind drunk, then they built a big lie on top of that, saying I slept with him. I didn't.

notacooldad · 22/06/2021 21:08

I know people saw us kiss so definitely witnesses that something happened
You are building the current situation up bigger than it is.
If a yone dies anything, as others say deny and style it out!
If be saying ' ha, I had a drunk snog with him but as if I'd do anything else, have you seen how old he is!!!!
Hold your head up lass and just shrug it.

peridito · 22/06/2021 21:08

And OP -it's very hard to say whether you are being reasonable or not to feel so bad about this .

Half of me wants to scream OF COURSE IT'S NOT REASONABLE for you to feel devastated because you were vunerable and taken advantage of .

On the other hand while IT ,as a general thing might not be reasonab;le ,as a personal thing we can all understand and think there are reasons why you feel devastated. You've been through a shocking event ,sounds like you've had no support and have come away feeling guilty .

Hollywolly1 · 22/06/2021 21:10

I think if your family knew about this he'd no longer be a family friend,what a horrible low life to take advantage of an 18yr old girl and he 40.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about but he should have

Topsyair · 22/06/2021 21:16

I'd just laugh and deny it. say omg as if I would touch that old man and just laugh it off

JaninaDuszejko · 22/06/2021 21:18

I got drunk and had sex with a colleague after a Works Christmas Party. However, we were both single, in our early 20s, a very different situation. It was embarassing the next day but we all moved on.

However, the fact that you can't remember much about it and the massive age and power imbalance makes this quite different. Well done for taking control of the situation and moving to another employer, you should be proud of yourself for using this event to improve your life.

Please don't feel embarrassed, it might not come up at all, but in a small community it might (although I would have thought it could have already reached your family in some form if that's the case). If you have a good relationship with your brother maybe forewarn him that you had sex but you can't really remember it. Or, if you don't want to tell him in advance if he finds out then just say 'I was very young and very drunk and don't remember much but didn't want to stay there after it happened' and let him join the dots.

AgnesXNitt · 22/06/2021 21:18

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your former boss raped you and abused his position to do so - you were the victim. No advice about what to do regarding your brother, hopefully he may find something else. But you need to take care of yourself and please do consider getting some counselling.

Frlrlrubert · 22/06/2021 21:19

If a family friend had taken advantage of drunk 18 year old me my dad would have had more than words!

I'd probably go with (if asked), 'I think I snogged him once when I was shitfaced, but I don't remember much after that, I'm sure he wouldn't have done anything untoward to a drunk teenager, right?'

But as many others have said, this is not your shame, you did nothing wrong, he did.

StayCalmX · 22/06/2021 21:20

@bonfireheart

Tell your brother, but also don't expect him to give up the job.
This. Flowers
tonystarksrighthand · 22/06/2021 21:20

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Deny all the way.

100% this

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/06/2021 21:20

I think you need to reframe it

A way older man took advantage of you when you were very young and very drunk
Dirty old man

HE should have known better

You have nothing to be ashamed of

time4anothername · 22/06/2021 21:24

@Sunbeam18

I think you should think again about how you are framing this - you were a vulnerable young person taken advantage of by someone older and in a position of power. He should have resigned, not you.
this....
Branleuse · 22/06/2021 21:24

I think that other people will no way have given this anywhere near as much headspace as you.
I dont think theyll tell your brother and if they did, he wouldnt be interested and would be fairly easy to brush off.
You on the other hand are speaking as if this was a significant trauma and reason for shame. You havent actually done anything wrong. If anyone has, your ex boss has, as it sounds like he totally took advantage of you

misssunshine4040 · 22/06/2021 21:25

Absolutely turn this round and pp said, his shame not yours.
What a disgusting man to take advantage of a drunk teenager. Vile.
He is the wrongdoer not you.
I would deny it though it ever came up and say they must have you confused with someone else.
Please try not to give this any more space in your head, your don't deserve to be worried or anxious about this

singleagain22 · 22/06/2021 21:30

Your brother even if he takes the job may never be found out.
Everyone makes mistakes so please don't beat yourself up.
If anything your much older colleague should have known better.