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Original poster

To be really devastated about this

195 replies

Pink98 · 22/06/2021 19:08

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 22/06/2021 20:33

You did nothing wrong OP, as pp have said, this man is a predatory rapist.

Bassetlover · 22/06/2021 20:33

So you were a drunk teenager who got taken advantage of by a much older man in a powerful position. That sounds rapey. It sounds lile you have nothing to be ashamed of.

sadperson16 · 22/06/2021 20:34

Tell brother briefly, get on with your life

Gilly12345 · 22/06/2021 20:35

Tell your Brother and explain that your Parents don’t know and how this was an awful experience/mistake and you thought it was behind you.

Pre warning him is the best option then if some busybody mentions the incident to him then at least he knows and can dodge the bullet.

I do feel for you as we all make mistakes but shagging your boss is a massive mistake and hopefully you won’t get pissed at work parties.

I personally now as I am older keep work/private life separate, which I now prefer.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/06/2021 20:36

OP that rape. You can't consent to sex if you are so drunk you didn't even know it was happening, and can't remember it! You were 18 and completely gone, and he's 40, and your boss!

WombatChocolate · 22/06/2021 20:37

I really think this isn’t as simple for Op as getting on with her life. The reason the issue being talked about is worrying her so much after all these years, is that it has caused her trauma.

In all liklihood a crime was committed here, even if Op hasn’t thought of it like that. It isn’t as easy as forgetting it and moving on, or laughing it off or denying it and moving on. What happened has harmed Op and it remains with her. It will still be with her after the brother leaves this place of work. It is serious.

ThePhantom · 22/06/2021 20:37

Sorry this has happened to you. Perhaps you can deny and only admit to the kissing whilst drunk as your colleagues have already seen that. Sounds like a very small community? most of the employees went to the same high school, the boss is a family friend and now your brother has taken up a job at the same place. Seriously, aren't there any other employers around there!

CustardySergeant · 22/06/2021 20:38

Unless you had sex in public I'm not at all clear how anyone knows what happened. You didn't tell anyone and surely he wouldn't have.

TidyOmlette · 22/06/2021 20:39

There’s probably a huge chance people have forgotten about it. Life’s move on. Or most likely you weren’t the first or the last for mr boss man.

Mammyloveswine · 22/06/2021 20:39

Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry but this was RAPE. You didn't know it was happening nor could you remember it happening,

Did this disgusting predator tell you that you had sex?

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this...please speak to your mum and tell her what actually happened. This is no family "friend".

Therunecaster · 22/06/2021 20:42

@FrankButchersDickieBow

If a 40 odd year old family friend had sex with me when I was out of it drunk, my dad would have been having words!!!
My Dad would have been fit to kill. OP, you were taken advantage of in respect of your age, his seniority and being pissed. He ought to be ashamed not you. Hold your head up high he's a cuntychops.
MacCoffee · 22/06/2021 20:43

If I was you I’d admit the drunken kiss that people saw and then say the rest of the story was made up bullshit. That you don’t recall anything so if he had had sex with you it would have been rape, and that you left because of the vile way people made up lies about you.

But that’s just me.

Crazycrazylady · 22/06/2021 20:44

Tell em you snogged your boss at a Xmas party and crazy rumours developed so you left the job.
No one was in the bedroom with you!!

diddl · 22/06/2021 20:44

"It’s an immature and gossipy culture"

So why would your brother believe what they say?

Babygotblueyes · 22/06/2021 20:45

Come clean to the family. Tell them you learned from it and made changes in your life. Warn your brother so he can use the 'so what?' response. The best way to deal with this kind of gossip is to shrug and seem unbothered. Then move on. You did not break any laws, we have all slept with people we wish we hadn't, and have all done embarrassing things as a teenager. He (boss) should be far more embarrassed that you.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 22/06/2021 20:46

You sound traumatised. I think you were taken advantage of and possibly raped as you couldn't consent. Please talk to someone about this. It's not your 'dirty little secret' to keep. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your older boss on the other hand should not get away with it.

3isthemagicnumber3 · 22/06/2021 20:47

This is grim. You were 18, he was in his forties… you were so drunk that you don’t remember? Your boss was at best a sleeze and at worst a rapist. It should be him that is living with the guilt of this terrible secret and not you. What kind of people are the others working there? I would be horrified if a man in his forties did that to a young girl, I certainly wouldn’t be gossiping about her!!

FierceBarrie · 22/06/2021 20:49

Tell them you learned from it and made changes in your life.

Tell them she ‘learned’ what?

That there are predatory men in the world, who will take advantage of women (family friends) when they are vulnerable?

The OP isn’t the one who needs to ‘learn and make changes to her life’.

Far from it.

OP - this wasn’t you fault. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Kacha30 · 22/06/2021 20:50

Op I am sure most of can say we look back on something and feel deep regret. You were 18, you were drink. If anything they should be gossiping about your boss, not you. He was much older and he had sex with a drunk 18 year old.

If they still care or gossiping about it now then they are the problem, not you. I doubt anyone actually cares enough anymore though. They might not even link your brother with you!!

I would perhaps tell your brother. But don't be ashamed of it op. If anything the boss should be.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 22/06/2021 20:51

Also, some people on this thread are victim blaming , perhaps without realising - things like 'hopefully you won't get pissed next time' suggests that getting pissed is the problem not, you know, the rapist

billy1966 · 22/06/2021 20:54

You poor pet.
Feeling shame all this time when you shouldn't.

Predatory scum who raped you.

How absolutely dreadful.
A family friend too.
So awful.

You poor thing.
Flowers

Furrydogmum · 22/06/2021 20:55

Are you only 23 now? I feel so sad for you carrying this guilty embarrassment around. Avoid any conversation about it, and if needs be style it out with letchy boss made a drunken pass and I moved on.. If he's a family friend he shouldn't want it to be talked about either..

Beautiful3 · 22/06/2021 20:55

Just deny it. I seriously doubt people will still be talking about it. If he does mention it then say you left due to rumours in the workplace, so you don't want to talk about it.

peridito · 22/06/2021 20:56

Gosh ,I wish I could give you a big hug .You poor love .

I won't repeat the shock that this man took advantage of you .But 2 things -
1 we don't know your brother or how mature he is so it's difficult to advise on whether you should tell him the truth or the more low key version of "just a kiss ,are the saddos still gossiping " .

2 You say "A young staff that all went to the same high school so easily big news as it happened at the staff party. Probably about 70% still there and at the time lots of people were messaging me about it the next day

what exactly were they messaging you about ? The kiss they saw ? Or were they gossiping and asking if you had sex ? Have you told some that you had sex ? Did awful boss say you did?

hugs hugs hugs

Nayday · 22/06/2021 20:57

There's so much wrong in this post and none of it relates to you OP.
I'd definitely recommend you look into some therapy to work this through with an impartial and supportive person. The fact that you blame yourself and it still haunts you shows this is very much not dealt with for you. 40 year old married men having sex with 18 year olds - shame on them. A boss too, that's a power imbalance. Throw into the mix an 18 year old who sounds too drunk to give consent - well that's rape.