To be really devastated about this

[Pink98]

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

@Donotgogentle

The only person who should be embarrassed here is your old boss. Older, position of authority, drunk much younger employee, yuk.

this.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. We all make mistakes. His thoguh were despicable.

This is an occasion where I think a white lie is acceptable. Just deny it. Say: Wow! Can't believe office gossip gets so out of hand. Of course I didn't.

I mean, they weren't actually there recording the incident, were they, so how do they know?

You were drunk and therefore unable to consent. He was an older authority figure. YOU WERE RAPED! That was not your fault & you should not be carrying shame! Please call Rape Crisis & ask for help.

He can take the shame.

It isn’t yours to have.

If it were me, I’d tell my brother. If someone started with snideyness, he would be in a position to cut it dead and make his feelings on the subject plain and final.

Deny it. You don't owe anybody an explanation. We've all done things we are embarrassed or ashamed of. Let's face it the 40 year old boss should be ashamed of himself getting it on with an employee.

I think you might want to think about some therapy, OP.

What you describe is rape. And you are concerned about protecting the man who raped you because he is a family friend.

If it does come out, I would say to your brother something like “I’m told he had sex with me. I was in no position to consent and don’t remember. He’s a nasty piece of work and I really don’t want reminding about how awfully he treated me.”

If it was a few years ago it's likely most of the staff don't know because they're new or never knew to begin with. If I was a 40yo boss who slept with my 18yo employee when she was so drunk she wasn't with it... well, certainly I wouldn't be telling anyone. He could be arrested for that if they thought it was coercion or taking advantage of you.

Deny deny deny. If it comes up at all deflect. In any case you were still a teenager with a presumable married man, who was in a position of authority over you, so I’d say he’s a lot more interest in not having this news out.

Only deny it OP if you want to. I’d bloody own it and point my finger hard at his behaviour.

There’s nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults having sex. This however is not that. I imagine the deep sense of shame you feel is actually related to the fact you were horrendously taken advantage of by an older male family friend in a position of power who really should have been doing nothing but look out for you. You should talk to someone about it to get rid of that shame because it’s really not on you.

Ah I see people know.

It's not a dirty secret love. It's a man taking advantage. A man who presumably watched you as a child and then when you were 18, under his power and terribly drunk he had sex with you.

YOU have nothing to be ashamed off.

Might be that Mr Boss wants to keep the incident quiet .... he hasn't exactly covered himself in glory has he? Is he married? Would he want his wife to find out?

Either way, you have nothing to be ashamed of. As others have said, if you were that out of it, he took advantage of a young, drunk teenager. He should be the one who is ashamed.

Why on earth would you be embarrassed? Because he's unattractive and you would now be cringing? Meh, you were drunk ,he was the boss, that can be attractive (on some level).

If you willingly slept with a man. Big deal.

You could deny everything but the snog. Snog will explain the rumours if any.

nor do I remember it happening
that is the only issue here. How do you even know you did more than snogging?

The fact you’re worrying about your brother going to this place, shows how that night is still an ongoing issue in your mind. I really don’t think the real worry you have is about people talking about you having consensual sex and feeling embarrassed about people knowing.....it’s the horrible unsettled feeling you have because you were taken advantage of and raped. Whether you’ve thought of it as rape or not, you’ve had a feeling of it not having been right and being uncomfortable and unsettled about it...and it that feeling has come to the surface again now with your brother going back to that place.

I am really sorry and sad this happened to you. In reality, it’s unlikely that it is going to be a big topic of discussion and mirth, but I agree with previous posters that you probably need some talking therapy to help you deal with what happened, even though it’s years ago.

Your feelings are all confused. You feel you were to blame and should feel ashamed. However, this man who might have laughed and bragged about what happened, in all liklihood committed a criminal act....not just a consensual and regretted shag. Getting your head round what happened might take some time and be difficult for you.

I dont know what the right thing to do about possible gossip is. It might not happen and I think your fear of it is more related to the horrible memories it brings up.

Please have a think about if what happened could be described as genuinely consensual. This was a much older man in a position of power, with drunk teenager. There was huge scope for abuse here and what you describe sounds like likely rape. Really sorry to say this as it might be a real shock if you hadn’t thought of it like this, even if something about it has never sat well in your memory. Please do speak to someone about it.

So if he’s a family friend had he known you since you were a kid 😬

So he’s friends with your parents and knows you well - and instead of taking care of you (making sure you got home safe etc) when you were drunk he had sex with you.

This man is a predator.

You poor thing, you did nothing wrong. Your old boss is an idiot.
Can you tell your brother? just say ‘I’m happy you’ve got this job but I have something to tell you and I don’t want parents to know.
I slept with the boss, it was a mistake and I quit.
When they mention it just laugh it off please.”
Job done.
You’ve done nothing wrong here, just a drunk mistake. People do this all their lives, never mind aged 18. Don’t be so hard on yourself

If your brother ever asks you, you say "Yeah. Not my finest moment. God, have they not moved on?" End of discussion. You don't owe anyone an explanation or more in depth details. It was a blip, every one makes mistakes, but I do agree with PP saying an older man absolutely took advantage of drunken teenager.

@Pink98

Poor you :( this is so so sad.

Firstly, a predatory male took advantage of a drunken teenager. That is rape as I presume you were drunk enough not to be able to give consent. Rape. Please read that again. Rape.

Secondly this person knew you, a family friend, so he knew exactly what he was doing and knew you will not report him for this. This is disgusting on so many levels but none of these are you. You are the person being hurt here.

If you do have a good relationship with your family, even one member, please speak to that person. Tell them what happened. Do not be ashamed. People get drunk all the time, and being taken advantage of is not your fault. Please speak to someone about this.

Do not worry about your brother and the other people. If they find this funny they are part of the problem. I know that if this happened where I work, the boss would be the one going.

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

It shouldn't be haunting you (not out of embarassment, anyway). He's the one who should be worried.

I understand why you have a horror about this coming up in light hearted jokey conversation. What happened was horrible for you and absolutely isn’t a joke. You were taken advantage of and raped, but the idea of others talking about it will be horrible and probably all the more horrible because of the reality of what happened. The truth is you have nothing to be ashamed of, but that won’t stop you having a fear of it being discussed as that will make it real again to you.

I understand too why your natural instinct is to not want people to know. Although you did nothing wrong you feel shame. This is where some therapy can help. It can help you shift your thinking about what happened from a sense of shame to understanding what really happened...not easy or pleasant, but will hopefully help you move forwards and also take away some of the fear you have about people gossiping. Really, until you have some therapy and help, this is likely to remain a problem for you and be difficult to deal with and crop up as an issue in your life, prompted by all kinds of things.

I don’t know if you feel you can think it through and talk it through with a family member.....remember you did nothing wrong. What happened was wrong and fully on his part not yours. I really don’t know though what is best for you in terms of dealing with it in the short term with your brother going there, or what to suggest. Denying it might be the best way to simply cope in the short term. Retorting to anyone or telling your brother if it comes up, that you were taken advantage of and raped would probably be better...but it’s a question of whether you can manage that conversation.

Please do get some help Op or this horrible incident and crime might haunt you well into the future. So sorry.

Could you just tell your brother but ask him to keep it quiet from your parents?

He should be deeply ashamed. You were 18, he was in his 40s, and in a position of authority over you. And from your description you may well have been too drunk to give consent.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Deny all the way.

Not going to work if she’s already been desperate to stop the brother working there. This is shit op, I really feel for you.

It’s highly unlikely to be mentioned at work as I said.

So there’s no need to tell your brother. If anyone does say anything you can just roll your eyes and tell him it’s all nonsense and gossip.

If you do tell him the truth, be aware that given the awful circumstances - a predatory older man taking advantage of a teenager who was too drunk to consent - he may conceivably be upset and angry. He may see the incident for what it is.