To be really devastated about this

[Pink98]

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

I sympathise, OP. I totally agree with PP that this is all on him. The boss should never do that, alcohol or not. I think you definitely have to warn your brother in advance, but the timing of you leaving the job definitely tells you the way you should be framing it.

Could you stop thinking of it as your dirty secret and instead look at it as his dirty secret? Then if it does come out to your family you will be better prepared mentally. I really can't imagine the boss himself is going to want it to become wider knowledge.

"It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since"

Were you drugged?

And I can’t say about the boss being creepy because he’s a family friend, I’d die if the rest of my family found out

So a family friend took advantage of a horrendously drunk 18 year old he was also in a position of authority over at her new job.

He's a creep. Sounds like non-consensual sex, ie, rape.

The man you slept with, is he married?

You have nothing to feel ashamed of. You were a very drunk young teenager and he was 40, your boss and family friend. Someone you trusted. I would say that he raped you. If you were too drunk to remember you were probably too drunk to consent. Was he buying you lots of drinks by any chance? Even if you don't think it was rape, you were young and vulnerable and the responsibility was his as boss and adult.

I would be tempted to tell your family. If they are any good they will support you fully, and you might find that other people's reaction validate What everyone here is saying: that it was not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It might help you process the experience so it doesn't dominate your future relationships. From your username I'm guessing this was only 4 years ago so I imagine you might not have come to terms with it all yet, talking might help. I understand if you don't want to, and if it comes up with your brother you could perhaps be ready to say it was just a rumour based on the fact that you already knew each other and so were perhaps overly familiar.

What he did is absolutely beyond words fucked up OP, he won't want it talked about. If he was your family friend he would have known you as a child, and is friends with your parents. How anyone could do that, let alone to their friend's child, is beyond words. Again, not your fault!

It wouldn't bother me at all, I did all kinds of stupid shit at 18. None of which is relevant now. How dull must their lives be to STILL be talking about this now - tragic.

"I got very, very drunk. I wasn't in a position to consent to sex." No other explanation is needed. You don't need to confirm or deny anything, just repeat that statement if pushed.

Your boss was totally out of order. He totally took advantage of you, and he must know it. I would be utterly furious with him if I were your parents.

The only person who should be embarrassed is your ex boss. He took advantage of a teenage girl who was in no fit state to consent.

You will likely think this is an overreaction but as someone who has experienced abuse, I really think you need professional help to process and recover from your horrible experience at that workplace.

You were a teenager, you were intoxicated, he was your much older boss and someone your family trusted. He is very lucky not to have been charged with rape.
The shame is his, not yours.

I know you probably don't see it that way though.

Could you try a sexual harm help service? They will be kind and understanding. I don't think you realise how much this incident has hurt you. You deserve to be supported and to feel good again. X

Shrug and say 'oh that was years ago' if it gets mentioned.

He was 40, you were 18. He was in a position of power and you took all of the responsibility. If you were too drunk to consent then I agree it was rape (which it sounds like from your OP).
It’s difficult with your brother.. maybe not something you want to share with him but if your parents are supportive I would have a quiet chat with them. Your change in lifestyle and actions will likely have been noticed by them. If you really don’t want to do that then I understand and a victim shouldn’t have to deal with this continuing crap. You could deny what happened and just say you got carried away on the night out (to explain away kissing) but it is totally unfair that you continue to feel guilty about this - this is 100% his wrong. You made a mistake in getting drunk and he took advantage. It’s completely sickening that you have paid the price for this.

I think you are looking at this all wrong. A man in a position of authority in his 40s, slept with one of his employees when she was so out of it she couldn't even remember, even though she was meant to be a family friend and her family probably thought he would be looking out for her.

Who would you think badly of in that situation??

You didnt actually do anything wrong. He did. And it sounds like you're still punishing yourself for it.

Your boss raped you.

Hand up you wasnt the first (neither was I) and neither will we be the last.
How sad that they are STILL talking about it at least mine was done within a month.

@IReallyLikeCrows

Your boss raped you.

I agree, but sometimes I think there are ways of saying it that aren’t quite so stark.

There is a person sitting on the other end of this dealing with a really traumatic event, and while this may be entirely true, it’s extremely confronting to deal with.

I don’t mean to finger-point - several people have responded like this on this thread. I’m just not sure it’s entirely helpful.

The OP needs sensitivity right now. She hasn’t been back to the thread.

OP it must be hard reading all these comments. It's completely normal for women who were horribly taken advantage of sexually to feel huge amounts of shame for being so drunk and "letting it happen". This really really wasn't your fault. It's so sad but also so understandable that this has haunted you for years. I implore you to get some counselling from a counsellor specialised in sexual abuse. It would be so wonderful if you were able to lift this unwarranted shame off your shoulders, as other PPs have said it should not be you carrying it, it should be this man. Even if you never tell anyone you know what he did to you, it would still be great for you to process it privately and be freed from blaming yourself.

@FierceBarrie

I so agree. I felt shocked by that post. The poor woman has come on here saying how devastated and ashamed she feels. Clearly she is traumatised. I don't understand why some responses are so harsh.

Not read all the PPs. But just deny it or say you don't remember/or know what they are talking about. Accuse the employees of loving gossip and any scandal even if they have to make up. Say perhaps it was just a kiss but that was all. Otherwise will you ever hear the end of it. OR - go to the police and report rape.

That bloke is awful. You were raped. xxxxx

If it is mentioned, brush it off as gossip. It was ages ago and tbh no one but you and him know what happened. The kiss can be passed off as a creep pushing his luck. You are giving this too much headspace.

I think you're overthinking how much other people care about events that don't involve them. They'll have all forgotten about it - and it'd be unusual for that many to still be working at the same place anyway. People move on. Years pass. No one's still dining out on a tale from years ago.

How did they all know you'd slept together anyway? It's rude and frowned upon to speak so blatantly to colleagues like that.

@Pink98

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

There's lots of really descriptive words in your post - terrible, stupid, haunted, devastated, horrified, dirty.

And yet what happened - getting pissed and sleeping with someone inappropriate - isn't generally considered in those terms. Foolish, and embarrassing for both people, and best forgotten is generally as good as it gets.

Why do you consider it life defining? Why did you have to make such huge changes in your lifestyle? What else happen or what did it trigger?

No need to post answers.

As others have said, you couldn’t possibly have consented to sex if you were too drunk to know what was happening.

I would have thought that the boss would have been very keen to squash any rumours at the time, given that sex with a woman who cannot consent is rape.

You don’t need to lie or brazen anything out, the shame is not yours to own.

It isn’t for you to feel ashamed, the shame should be on the 40year old man taking advantage of a teenager.
If they tell your brother just say that he kissed you when you were very drunk, it was horrible and you want to forget about it.

Tell your brother he may hear a “rumour” about you but it’s not true. Then he will be pre warned in case anything is said