Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

I’m absolutely fine with the idea of giving the bride and groom money or vouchers, that way they can use the money towards something they really want / need. It’s better than giving them some random best guess present that we hope they’ll like.

I would find the wording on the invite confusing though, any requests for wedding money / vouchers rather than gifts I’ve seen before has explicitly spelt out that money / vouchers is the preferred gift.

The “no boxed gifts” line would have had me puzzling over why they want their gifts taken out of the packaging before we hand them over, or looking for gifts that didn’t come in boxes in the first place.
The “please give us money” subtext would have gone right over my head.

I'm not opposed to giving money, I recently gave £200 as a wedding gift to a relative. I wasn't invited to the wedding (no biggie, only parents and B&G and even if I had been invited i couldn't have attended) I'm simply opposed to people asking for specific gifts or money unless the giver has asked what they'd like.

In our family we don't ask for birthday gifts, anniversary gifts, Christmas gift unless we've been asked what we'd like. Culturally, for me asking just feels greedy. If someone asks what you'd like, fair enough, ask for money.

I wouldn't disregard the B&G's preferences, not at all.

I think maybe you've mixed me up with someone else Keating.

I think maybe you've mixed me up with someone else Keating.

I’m not talking about you specifically

The best gift giving is thoughtful though isn't it? from someone who knows you well and loves or likes you - why would that end up in a charity shop?
Not everyone knows the B and G that well. If you are a relative that doesn't know the couple well how can you buy a thoughtful gift? How do you know what they already own?
Some said about getting them a 'quirky' gift as being thoughtful and that just seemed awful. One person's thoughtful and quirky is someone else's charity shop bag. Not that they are ungrateful but it doesn't fit their taste, style or possible space they have in their home.

The best gift giving is thoughtful though isn't it? from someone who knows you well and loves or likes you - why would that end up in a charity shop?

Theoretically but there is literally no space in some homes for 30-50 thoughtful gifts.

Thoughtful is to listen to what person suggests they would like😁

Genuinely good gifts are immensely hard to pull off nowadays, despite what the genius gift givers think.

This! I work retail and I already have an idea of what kind of gift giver I’m dealing with when I ask if they’d like a gift receipt. The ones I internally grimace at are the ones who say no and go on to say “if the receiver(s) doesn’t like it tough” or “if they don’t like it, they could give it back to me because I like it” knowing it would be crass and in poor taste for someone to return said gifts back to the giver.

*People need to stop using the word "demand". It's not a demand. Unless person is an absolute dickhead telling you you can't come unless you give money, it's not a demand.

Is it a demand when I suggest to my DH that some new tablet case would be nice gift? No. Same way like "no boxed gifts" or "please, no physical gifts, we would welcome money instead" are not demands.

As if no one here ever suggests their preffered present to their family or friends around birthday or Christmas...*

Thank you. It’s not a demand or a summons saying you have to be there with xyz. People have the CHOICE to go to the wedding and the choice to give a gift if they want to.

I really don’t get the issue of giving people what they would like for gifts Some seem to want to make gift-giving more complicated than it should be.

@KarensGobbyChops

The best gift giving is thoughtful though isn't it? from someone who knows you well and loves or likes you - why would that end up in a charity shop?

Unless you're a complete randomer or plus one.

And even then, who buys things like toasters for weddings anymore ? Maybe my DGM's generation at a push.

Nope thoughtful is listening to the person. If you're so close that you'd knock them over with your thoughtfulness, then just have a chat with them about it.

This attitude pisses me off to no end. People ask me what I want for my bday(I mostly ask for Amazon giftcards because I use them for a very specific reason that gives me much joy or bath bombs).I tell them, but you know it's not good enough, it's not thoughtful enough.

So they come up with their own ideas ignoring the fact that I live in a very small ,crowded and cluttered flat. Ignoring the fact that I'm not really into "whatever". Ignoring the fact that due to the season I get loads of other "thoughtful" gifts. Ignoring the fact that year after year I ask for the exactly same thing ,if it doesn't change there must be a reason. Ignoring the fact that it's simply not what I asked for.

No matter how nice some things actually are (and I do my best to use them and find room for them) or I how much I like it, it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm not being listened to.

Yes, I have issues.

I just remembered a 'thoughtful' and ' quirky ' gift that was given to a couple about 20 years ago by an 'alternative' friend She got the couple a pendent necklace each she had made up by her equally alternative jeweller friend. In the bride's pendent there was a (obviously dead) Queen bee and in the grooms there was a regular ( also dead) bee. I have no idea where or how she got tbe bees from. The look on my friend's face was so funny. It was trying to be grateful, not wanting to offend the friend and also thinking ' what the chuffing hell is this and why do you think it is a great wedding present'

I'd completely forgotten about it but its making me laugh thinking about it again!!

Seriously £20 quid would have been a better present!

I don't understand why so many on MN are so uppity about this. What does it matter if you give £30 in cash or spend £30 on a gift? If you don't want to give them a gift at all then don't. No need to be such tossers about it.

My late MIL was one for buying "thoughtful" presents which normally took up lots of space. When we said anything she'd say something like but it's got it's own box/bag or whatever to store it in so it isn't a problem.

One year my DH told her he was buying her an elephant for her birthday because he knew she loved them. She laughed and said she only had a small garden so couldn't have an elephant. DH replied it was fine it would have a box to live in so wouldn't be a problem. She did reduce her gifts a bit after that.

She would normally arrive at Christmas with two black bin bags of presents for each child, and I have 4, plus a bag each for me and DH. On top of everything else 10 bags of stuff is hard to accommodate in most homes. Two of them had birthdays in January so that was another 4 bags. It was a nightmare and however thoughtful they were we didn't need them and didn't have room for them.

@MaryBeardsShoes

I don't understand why so many on MN are so uppity about this. What does it matter if you give £30 in cash or spend £30 on a gift? If you don't want to give them a gift at all then don't. No need to be such tossers about it.

That sums it up well.

I would much rather give someone cash than the third toaster, or hundredth house plant. I have a few friends that asked for money not gifts. They lived together before marriage so had all the house things they needed.

Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers".

I'm totally down with this. There's no need for a fucking poem or to sugar coat it in any way.

Just tell me you want filthy moolah and your wish is my command. 🧞‍♀️🏮🧞‍♂️

I'd much rather do that - guaranteed then the person can put it towards what THEY want to get, rather than me playing guessing games, probably getting it wrong, and buying them some tat that will invariably end up in a landfill.

But I know a lot of people think it's terribly non U to ask for money.

Just a thought: if asking for money is rude/ cheeky/ inappropriate, then is a wedding list more acceptable?
(Because technically on a wedding list, you do just that: telling people where their money is gonna go)

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches

The best gift giving is thoughtful though isn't it? from someone who knows you well and loves or likes you - why would that end up in a charity shop?

Theoretically but there is literally no space in some homes for 30-50 thoughtful gifts.

Very true. That reminds me of that thread where the poster was asking for ideas for 80 gifts for her gran’s 80th birthday. Pretty much everyone told her it was a terrible idea but she was adamant. She then wouldn’t tell what she’d bought (and there were predictably loads of amusing suggestions). I wonder what she got abs if her gran liked them, or more likely got completely overwhelmed after opening the first twenty or so.

@LiberteEgaliteBeyonce

Just a thought: if asking for money is rude/ cheeky/ inappropriate, then is a wedding list more acceptable? (Because technically on a wedding list, you do just that: telling people where their money is gonna go)

Etiquette used to be the wedding list was available upon request and nothing mentioned on invites with regards to gifts.

I don’t mind a list. I hate cash requests as feels like I have to pay to attend.

I don’t mind a list. I hate cash requests as feels like I have to pay to attend.

Would you EVER go without a gift? Do you know anyone that does?

How is paying for a gift different from "paying to attend" ?

I think it's absolutely fine, no point them getting lots of stuff they don't need which probably would end up in a charity shop (lots of our wedding presents did).

I don’t know whether it’s still done, but at an outdoor village wedding do in Cyprus years ago, when the couple got up to dance (slowly) guests went up and pinned money on to the bride’s dress.

Excellent idea, I thought. It looked like quite a respectable haul.

Weddings are a pain in the ass !!! .. having to buy outfits, book hotels .. stand about for hours ... I'd gladly give them a present in or out of a box just to avoid going !!!

Unless they're coming to your door with a collection tin and a threat to knee cap you, it is not a demand.

Another vote for money from me. Apart from a few exceptions, most peoples idea of a thoughtful gift is other peoples idea of crap.
We eloped and a few people mentioned wanting to get us a present. We had money, furniture, everything we needed so asked for donations to a particular charity we were both very involved with - my husband had set it up in fact.
Ended up with random "thoughtful" gifts that ended up in my dads outhouses and finally had some use when my sisters daughter went to uni.
Complaints about us choosing the charity and so random donations to ones that the gift giver chose. So bollocks really.

Going back to the point about this being normal on Asian wedding invitations (I'm talking about Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Sri Lankan), these weddings tend to have hundreds of attendees. Literally anyone who is a friend of a friend of a relative will be invited. People can be old school in their thinking, you really don't want to receive 4 toasters, so it's better to state that you would prefer money if a gift is given. How much money will depend on how close you are to the couple.