Bridal couple requesting no "boxed gifts"... Is this normal or cheeky?

[weekendbreak101]

I'm invited to the wedding of a friend. Not a particularly close friend but we've known each other a long time.
On the invitation, the couple have requested "no boxed gifts"..
Can't help feeling this is a bit cheeky... I presume they mean no kettles, toasters, crockery sets and that kind of stuff but to rule out anything that comes in a box??
Feeling a bit annoyed, as I feel it's an indirect way of saying "we prefer money or vouchers". Surely it should be up to the guest what they want to give (or can afford to give) as a gift?
What are other peoples' thoughts on this?

They'll not be wanting to get cards then either. Does it say 'no cards please' as well OP?

I can absolutely see why cards have value to people, whereas unneeded gifts are just pure waste. Can’t you?

You could kick kittens as a part if a ceremony and people would still be less outrage than if you ask for money or no box gifts😂😂😂

*But a lot of people in our culture find it unacceptable on wedding invitations.

But they seem to think spending money on unwanted/unneeded gifts that ultimately end up in a charity shop are a better option, so don't you think an updating of attitudes would be beneficial all round?*

Probably the same people who think if the B&G don’t like the gift that they didn’t ask for or have never shown any interest in they’re ungrateful?

Whenever I'm a wedding guest I'm so relieved when they just ask for money. Cash in a card, job done. What's not to like? Better than having to try and guess what they want or picking off a gift list and being the disorganised person that ends up having to get the awkward rubbish gift at the end of the list that no one else has bought yet because you've left it til the last minute. Cash or vouchers much better

Agree. I rather give the B&G something towards getting what they’ll actually like and enjoy than playing the ridiculous gift politics some seem to want to play.

If you were to believe MN, a lot of people in our culture VERY strongly object to wedding celebration full stop

So people think it is OK if you are Asian as that is the culture, previous posters have said it is normal in Ireland (I agree it is my experience) so is it grabby if the bride and/or groom are Irish?

@optimistic40

Surely nobody gives kettles and things these days anyway? Especially not to couples who have been living together, as most do.

In my experience most people give money.

I am genuinely baffled by the reaction of people. We asked for money for our wedding (for those who wanted to give us a gift) and really hope that if any guests had these feelings about it ("give it to charity/ buy them a trinquet/ that'll show them for being cheeky/crass" etc...), they declined the invitation.
I think the pearl clutching reactions are just bizarre. Essentially, if people don't do what you believe to be proper, it's wrong. What a rigid mindset!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

You could kick kittens as a part if a ceremony and people would still be less outrage than if you ask for money or no box gifts😂😂😂

You are sadly right 😂😂😂

@SchrodingersImmigrant

You could kick kittens as a part if a ceremony and people would still be less outrage than if you ask for money or no box gifts😂😂😂

God forbid you asked for money to contribute to the kittens vet bill.

@TheKeatingFive

They'll not be wanting to get cards then either. Does it say 'no cards please' as well OP?

I can absolutely see why cards have value to people, whereas unneeded gifts are just pure waste. Can’t you?

In the context of being environmentally conscious, which was the post I was replying to, not really. MN is full of people complaining about environmentally unfriendly Christmas cards in December.

The suggestion is not a demand or an invoice, if you don't want to give a gift don't however if you are going to give one make sure it isn't in a box.
An empty card is very welcome too.
I never had a cheeky poem on an invite it isn't necessary, people know the craic without needing it wrote down.
Who wants 60 picture frames.

In the context of being environmentally conscious, which was the post I was replying to, not really.

You can’t see why people would deem cards that are of high sentimental value ‘worth it’ environmentally, but not loads of consumer goods they don’t want/need?

Seriously?

We just told people we didn’t want any gifts or cash at all, we just wanted them to attend

This is a lot less presumptuous than assuming everybody is to give you a gift ............according to your specifications.

I haven't RTFT but this is a standard line written on Indian wedding invitations.

I can understand it sounding cheeky but let’s be honest, it’s not the 1960’s. Most people live together before marriage so they don’t need home starter your kits. Total waste of the guests money.

I’d much rather give the cash and know they used it for something they really wanted and will treasure, rather than 6 cutlery sets.

I think times are thankfully changing now and many people give money because it’s the norm and are happy to contribute to something much wanted/needed, rather than taking a huff.

TBF thought the majority of posters see no issue with money so it’s just a few holdouts 😂

I think because it's code for "we want money, not gifts" it feels rude. If they dropped the code and wrote exactly what they meant would this be considered acceptable? i.e give us money. We use code/euphemisms for thing we feel a bit awkward discussing like money, death, sex and I think this suggests they're not 100% comfortable asking for what they really want, or maybe they're not 100% comfortable with asking for anything so instead they say what they don't want. Was there a please or thank you with it? No boxed gifts, thankyou/please?

I know a lot of folk have said this is the norm in SE Asian culture, fair enough but if it's a cultural norm, why does it need to be stated? If everyone was comfortable with it, it would just be an unspoken rule and boxed gifts would not even need to be mentioned or are some folks still happy to receive gifts or do some folk still prefer to give a gift?

For me it's about being polite and personally I find asking for a gift (or money) rude as it suggests entitlement, I believe we should wait to be asked what we'd like, not state it in advance. I know it's practical on both sides to give and receive money but to ask for it feels grabby. I know it's a tricky subject but I think we should just be grateful for what we're given, regardless of the situation. Gifts should be a bonus, not an expectation.

I know a lot of folk have said this is the norm in SE Asian culture, fair enough but if it's a cultural norm, why does it need to be stated?

It’s not stated in those countries as it’s the norm, it’s just stated on cards in the UK to avoid confusion.

@tallduckandhandsome

I know a lot of folk have said this is the norm in SE Asian culture, fair enough but if it's a cultural norm, why does it need to be stated?

It’s not stated in those countries as it’s the norm, it’s just stated on cards in the UK to avoid confusion.

It's also not just SE Asians.

We don't even state it either, Central Europe.

It is stated on the wedding invitation card because a lot of guests are not Asian. The UK is a multicultural country & people now have friends from different backgrounds. Not all of the guests will be familiar with the Asian tradition of giving cash or gold jewellery as a wedding gift.

@S0upertrooper

I think because it's code for "we want money, not gifts" it feels rude. If they dropped the code and wrote exactly what they meant would this be considered acceptable? i.e give us money. We use code/euphemisms for thing we feel a bit awkward discussing like money, death, sex and I think this suggests they're not 100% comfortable asking for what they really want, or maybe they're not 100% comfortable with asking for anything so instead they say what they don't want. Was there a please or thank you with it? No boxed gifts, thankyou/please?

I know a lot of folk have said this is the norm in SE Asian culture, fair enough but if it's a cultural norm, why does it need to be stated? If everyone was comfortable with it, it would just be an unspoken rule and boxed gifts would not even need to be mentioned or are some folks still happy to receive gifts or do some folk still prefer to give a gift?

For me it's about being polite and personally I find asking for a gift (or money) rude as it suggests entitlement, I believe we should wait to be asked what we'd like, not state it in advance. I know it's practical on both sides to give and receive money but to ask for it feels grabby. I know it's a tricky subject but I think we should just be grateful for what we're given, regardless of the situation. Gifts should be a bonus, not an expectation.

It is the norm in U.K. South Asian culture to say these words on the invitation. The OP is clearly never coming back but the point is that there is no point her trying to read anything into the phrasing, comment that they could have said it differently, wonder what they really mean etc etc- it is just standard wording that will have been added without thought, no different to signing off a letter with “yours sincerely” regardless of how sincere you actually feel. It’s just odd to OP as she has not seen it before.

@S0upertrooper

I think because it's code for "we want money, not gifts" it feels rude. If they dropped the code and wrote exactly what they meant would this be considered acceptable? i.e give us money. We use code/euphemisms for thing we feel a bit awkward discussing like money, death, sex and I think this suggests they're not 100% comfortable asking for what they really want, or maybe they're not 100% comfortable with asking for anything so instead they say what they don't want. Was there a please or thank you with it? No boxed gifts, thankyou/please?

I know a lot of folk have said this is the norm in SE Asian culture, fair enough but if it's a cultural norm, why does it need to be stated? If everyone was comfortable with it, it would just be an unspoken rule and boxed gifts would not even need to be mentioned or are some folks still happy to receive gifts or do some folk still prefer to give a gift?

For me it's about being polite and personally I find asking for a gift (or money) rude as it suggests entitlement, I believe we should wait to be asked what we'd like, not state it in advance. I know it's practical on both sides to give and receive money but to ask for it feels grabby. I know it's a tricky subject but I think we should just be grateful for what we're given, regardless of the situation. Gifts should be a bonus, not an expectation.

‘Gifts should be a bonus’ - but that’s not how it works in reality, is it, regardless of what you believe? If there was no social expectation of gifts people would not need to put any wording - as only a few people would give them gifts so it’s not an issue. There is a social expectation, therefore it has to be managed.

I recently received a wedding invitation but no gift list or indication of what they want, which I find even more stressful!

I don’t love giving money especially when it’s my friends or close family but obviously I’d rather give them something they want so I’d do it. I don’t know why, just makes me feel a bit weird. I get that’s my hang up though and not their issue. I feel less weird if they say it’s for their honeymoon or new kitchen. Vouchers feel less strange.

I know a lot of folk have said this is the norm in SE Asian culture, fair enough but if it's a cultural norm, why does it need to be stated?
Its not only the SE Asian culture that do this.
People from different cultures get invited to weddings of a culture different to their own and may not necessarily know what is the norm especially if they haven't been to weeding in that culture before.

@Haenow

I recently received a wedding invitation but no gift list or indication of what they want, which I find even more stressful!

I don’t love giving money especially when it’s my friends or close family but obviously I’d rather give them something they want so I’d do it. I don’t know why, just makes me feel a bit weird. I get that’s my hang up though and not their issue. I feel less weird if they say it’s for their honeymoon or new kitchen. Vouchers feel less strange.

See, I like this. It's something not so familiar, so it's not 100% comfortable, but you still try to work with it if that's what they wish. That is what reasonable, open minded people do.