Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offered a new job, DH walked out

321 replies

NorthSew · 21/06/2021 20:17

AIBU?

I have been working from home for the last 3 years.

Before this, my DH and I ran a business together for 6 years (I was more a silent partner.)

Recently, I've been offered a job at the local university- a job I think I would really enjoy and excel in.

I told him over dinner and he said "oh I am sure you will make lots of new friends and meet new people."

To which I responded "it's not really about that, but, yes, it would be nice to make some friends."

I don't have many here.

He got up and walked through to the kitchen. Then left the house. When I heard him leaving I asked him where he was going but he didn't answer. It's possible he didn't hear me.

I feel stupid now.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 23/07/2021 21:58

Yes - why?
Was it because he made you feel bad about it?

Tavannach · 23/07/2021 21:59

He might be a "nice person" to everyone else, but he's not a nice person to you. This is controlling behaviour - I hope you can find a way out.
Flowers

over2021 · 23/07/2021 22:00

I'm sorry OP. Sad

Please do look for a way out. I would disagree that he doesn't abuse you.

ThanksGinCake

Cherrysoup · 23/07/2021 22:02

He’s a wanker. Take the job. Please.

PrettyBlunt · 23/07/2021 22:11

Hold on. None of this is your fault.

He certainly does abuse you, mentally and emotionally.

What a shame you turned the offer down. That played right into his hands Sad.

Everyone might think he is lovely. They don't live with him and know him on a personal level like you do.

You're being controlled.

Original poster
NorthSew · 23/07/2021 22:12

I'm not a stupid person (I hope 🙃) I have a good education and a good degree. I used to be confident. He watched me go to the corner shop the other day, from the window. And then when he couldn't see me he phoned me. That's not normal, is it? He said it was just a joke.

I am questioning everything.

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 23/07/2021 22:13

@NorthSew

I'm not a stupid person (I hope 🙃) I have a good education and a good degree. I used to be confident. He watched me go to the corner shop the other day, from the window. And then when he couldn't see me he phoned me. That's not normal, is it? He said it was just a joke.

I am questioning everything.

Has this just started?!
Summerbreeze4 · 23/07/2021 22:15

Take the job.

Say you made an error as you weren’t sure that you could juggle childcare but have it sorted now and would really like to accept.

Get yourself sorted and leave your prick of a husband.

neonjumper · 23/07/2021 22:16

Have you posted before ? Are you the poster that applied for teacher training and never went ahead and the op who has to go to bed the same time as your OH?

SpacePotato · 23/07/2021 22:23

Why the fuck did you turn down the job???!!

HE IS NOT A NICE MAN, HE IS A CONTRILLING, ABUSIVE ARSEHOLE.

Just because he doesn't hit you or shout, this is not normal behaviour. Why does he have complete control over every aspect of your life?

PrettyBlunt · 23/07/2021 22:25

@NorthSew

I'm not a stupid person (I hope 🙃) I have a good education and a good degree. I used to be confident. He watched me go to the corner shop the other day, from the window. And then when he couldn't see me he phoned me. That's not normal, is it? He said it was just a joke.

I am questioning everything.

Oh my goodness.

He likes you working at home because he knows where you are.

Not in a rude way but surely you can't be obvious to his controlling behaviour? Is this a wind up?

justasking111 · 23/07/2021 22:25

Please take the job and escape from this awful man

PrettyBlunt · 23/07/2021 22:25

Oblivious*

blossomtree323 · 23/07/2021 22:25

No ringing you when you are out of sight is not normal. He's an abusive shit. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse.

He walked out to make you feel unsure of yourself. He's had you where he wants you for years, isolated and alone and your getting a job outside the home threatens his control.

Ring the uni and ask if the job offer is still open. And take it if it is.

WhatMattersMost · 23/07/2021 22:25

I'm with @SpacePotato. He is not a nice man.

No doubt this feels like a shock, @NorthSew, so you may just need to be gentle with yourself for while, as reality starts filtering in.

BMW6 · 23/07/2021 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

EileenGC · 23/07/2021 22:28

It's not normal OP, and I think deep down you know it? It's far from normal. It's controlling. It's extremely and worryingly controlling.

Can you make plans to leave? Could you ask for the offer back? Are you applying for other jobs?

Do you have any family or friends you keep in touch with? This happened to my mum, it's called alienation. His controlling tactics drove everyone away until she was practically alone. It took years to build that back but she made it. Please don't waste more years of your life being controlled by this man.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 23/07/2021 22:31

@BMW6

Oh well, I hope you will be very happy in all the years to come. Hmm

What do you expect people to say?

Why bother making this post?

WTF?
Original poster
NorthSew · 23/07/2021 22:32

No I'm not the same poster that has to go to bed at the same time as her DP.

I've never posted about this before, besides this thread. I think I'm just beginning to be able to admit this to myself, hence why it took me so long to come back.

OP posts:
AndeanMountainCat · 23/07/2021 22:34

Why did you turn down the job? It could have been your way out of prison!

He sounds awful.

DayPyjamas · 23/07/2021 22:36

OP please please do reconsider the job offer, this is your independence, it will give you your identity, freedom and confidence back. If your husband isn't happy with it then that's the answer to your relationship's future.

QueenBee52 · 23/07/2021 22:38

Im disappointed you turned down the job 🌸

BrozTito · 23/07/2021 22:39

What would he do if you went out for the day without telling him?

ElizabethTudor · 23/07/2021 22:39

Oh op, I’m sorry you turned down the job.
I don’t suppose you can go back to them and rescind that?
If you can’t well never mind. You got that job, there will be others. Use that as a launchpad to find another one.

  • it is not normal for your husband to behave the way he did after you told him about the job
  • it is not normal for him to watch you going to the shop, and then phone you when he can’t see you.
Re ‘everyone says he’s nice’ : they don’t have to live with him. What do you think?
pointythings · 23/07/2021 22:40

I'm so sorry you felt under such pressure to turn down the job.

Your 'D'H is not a nice man. He did this intentionally to make you turn down the job, and he got what he wanted.

I hope in time you will learn to see him for what he is, get a job and get rid of him.