Offered a new job, DH walked out

[NorthSew]

AIBU?

I have been working from home for the last 3 years.

Before this, my DH and I ran a business together for 6 years (I was more a silent partner.)

Recently, I've been offered a job at the local university- a job I think I would really enjoy and excel in.

I told him over dinner and he said "oh I am sure you will make lots of new friends and meet new people."

To which I responded "it's not really about that, but, yes, it would be nice to make some friends."

I don't have many here.

He got up and walked through to the kitchen. Then left the house. When I heard him leaving I asked him where he was going but he didn't answer. It's possible he didn't hear me.

I feel stupid now.

No, they don't do that. They do not even consider their partners 'being with someone else' when they pop to the shop, and they support them when they get work.

What you've got is an abuser.

Op I’ve only read your posts, not the entire thread but I’m sure others will be saying what I am now…. He’s controlling. I’m so sorry you turned down a job due to this. The people who think he is nice, can you tell them he watched your walk to the shop? Can you tell them he got you to turn down a job because he wasn’t happy you’d meet other people? Because they’d change their minds instantly. He’s not a nice man and these things are not normal.

Why on Earth have you turned the job down

He's controlling, he's abusive, none of his behaviour is normal.

Op, you deserve better. Leave him.

@NorthSew

Sorry everyone, I haven't been able to check the thread till now.

Unfortunately he wasn't getting champagne or chocolates. I turned down the job.

I feel very isolated and im not sure what to do. He doesn't hit me or abuse me or anything like that. He's a nice person. Everyone says so.

I feel like I have missed out on everything though, I have no identify of my own. I'm just his wife. I don't know what to do. Maybe it's my own fault.

Why do you stay with a man who controls you ?

Please contact Woman's Aid his behaviour is so abusive.

@NorthSew

I'm not a stupid person (I hope 🙃) I have a good education and a good degree. I used to be confident. He watched me go to the corner shop the other day, from the window. And then when he couldn't see me he phoned me. That's not normal, is it? He said it was just a joke.

I am questioning everything.

I think I’ve read your posts before. He makes you get up early to sit with him and insists you sit watching him work.

I think turning down the job wasn’t the right thing to do. You need a route away from him.

Oh my, i have just found this thread, i feel so sad for you. Your life is slipping away from you. Please take back control. We only have one life, i saw a message written in the sand the other day by someone who is in remission, it read, Die with memories, not dreams, please take that message and live by it. Please go now, how you are existing is not normal, you husband is not normal. Please leave whilst you can. You need too.

I think you know he is abusive OP. I hope you are ab;e to leave soon.

OP, you are, first and foremost, a full person. That comes before everything else. You're not first and foremost a wife, or a partner, or a someone's appendage.

You're you. And in any healthy relationship, the other person doesn't treat you like a role (e.g. as a wife) or as property or to be guarded, but as a human being.

LTB

I feel very isolated and im not sure what to do. He doesn't hit me or abuse me or anything like that. He's a nice person. Everyone says so.

He is abusing you though and it will escalate.
He's also not a nice person.

"He's a nice person. Everyone says so"

This reads as if you know you've been brainwashed. Could have come out of the mouth of some heroine from a dystopian novel.

That same heroine usually finds clarity of thought and strength, with the help of others, and hauls herself out of the dark hole she's in.

OP, I am sure you can do it!!!

Nice person = street angel house devil as my friend said before she fled

Hugely abusive and controlling relationship.

Doesn't sound like you have children, thank goodness.

Please ring Womens Aid for advice on how to get away from him.

I haven't read the whole of this thread, but OP I felt so compelled to say something. This isn't right at all. Please take the advice of other posters here, you should be free to live how you want to live, free from accusations and guilt. X

@justasking111

Nice person = street angel house devil as my friend said before she fled

Brilliantly put. Hope you're friend is OK now.

OP - I just want to comment, that you said he doesn’t abuse you. I’m mot sure if you were raised to believe that abuse only means hitting or screaming, but you ARE being abused. So much. He has broken down your self esteem, destroyed your perception of normal, and isolated you. It’s coercive control, snd we know how abusive and dangerous it is now. Please look at this (if you can, without your husband seeing it, maybe while you’re in the loo) and I think you’ll see it a LOT more clearly:
www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control

Also, you say you don’t have friends “here.” Are you from another area or country? Do you still have friends and family there? Is returning an option? You’re right; there are other jobs. And there may be jobs wherever you have a support system. IF he stopped you talking to supportive family and friends back home, message or ring them now (again, do it in the loo, if you have to) and tell them that. They will not be angry! They will probably be so relieved to hear from you.

I just really want to make this clear (maybe for others on the thread, too): There are people all over the UK and the world hoping every day that they will hear from a daughter, sister, cousin, best friend, maybe even just former coworker they were friends with, that they stopped hearing from because they know she is being isolated by her husband. They will not be angry, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve called - you were being abused.

@RightYesButNo is absolutely right.

I was married to a nice man (a lot of people told me how 'lovely' he was). And, a lot of the time, he was nice. He was very kind and helpful (including to me). But there were also times when nothing I did was right. And when that happened slaps or worse would follow.

He didn't 'stop' me seeing friends. I was fine to go out with mates from work or for a girls night out. But if we were invited to a party and he didn't want to go I wouldn't hear the last of it until I turned down the invitation on behalf of both of us. I started to walk on egg shells and that caused me to isolate from some people - I couldn't keep up with the lies I was telling about why we weren't going to certain places or why we'd left x's house early (usually after whispered 'discussions' about how ex-H disliked this woman or that man at the house and how he was going without me unless I left now).

Finally I left, we divorced and, a while later, I married DH. Still a very nice man, still very kind. The difference is there is no flip side. He's nice, he's kind and that's it.

When I got back in touch with old friends all they said, if anything at all, was 'it's nice to have you back'. That was it. No recriminations, no questions. They knew something was wrong, tried to ask questions but I was expert at batting them away and they didn't want to push too much for fear of me isolating from them too (you can only help if you're in touch sometimes).

I know you've given up the job which is a pity. You really do need to find a way of giving up the man - my life changed for the better 100% when I did.

Good luck.

@LondonJax Congratulations on surviving that type of controlling abuse and getting out. You should be proud of yourself, even on your “bad” days, for the rest of your life