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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offered a new job, DH walked out

321 replies

NorthSew · 21/06/2021 20:17

AIBU?

I have been working from home for the last 3 years.

Before this, my DH and I ran a business together for 6 years (I was more a silent partner.)

Recently, I've been offered a job at the local university- a job I think I would really enjoy and excel in.

I told him over dinner and he said "oh I am sure you will make lots of new friends and meet new people."

To which I responded "it's not really about that, but, yes, it would be nice to make some friends."

I don't have many here.

He got up and walked through to the kitchen. Then left the house. When I heard him leaving I asked him where he was going but he didn't answer. It's possible he didn't hear me.

I feel stupid now.

OP posts:
Clangerschick1 · 24/07/2021 08:05

No he’s not normal and your relationship is not normal and you’ve just encouraged and validated his behaviour by turning down the job which only sends the message to him of ‘carry on behaving this way and she will do what I want’
If u want him to change stand up to him and do what you want. If you don’t think he will change even if you do that then leave or you’ll be on here in a years time posting exactly the same

SunshineCake · 24/07/2021 08:13

I'm sure you aren't stupid since you were offered a job but you were bloody daft to turn it down. Take the job. Ditch the horrible husband.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 24/07/2021 08:17

But why didn't you take the job, @NorthSew? Would he have physically stopped you from going to work? Would he abuse you? I'm sorry if I seem stupid in not understanding this.

tortoiselover100 · 24/07/2021 08:20

My ex always thought o was off with some man, it got tiring, he also coercively controlled me. I'm out and with a New man and happier than ever. Please get out - LTB

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 24/07/2021 08:22

Oh, I'm so sorry - this is about coercive control? I apologize, I hadn't picked that up from the way the OP's posts have been worded. Bit slow.

Thatnameistaken · 24/07/2021 08:23

He is training you to be a little mouse who stays in her cage, you're becoming so confined that you're anxious about leaving the cage because you're worried about what he thinks. Eventually you won't even bother trying to step out of it.
Please don't get pregnant to this man (your jailer) get out while you still can. Do you have family support?

SwanShaped · 24/07/2021 08:28

I think you know it’s not right and that’s why you posted. And why it took a while to come back to the thread. You say he doesn’t abuse you, but I’d disagree. He doesn’t hit you but there’s other ways to control someone. He’s not nice. He should have been thrilled you got a job.

KidneyBeans · 24/07/2021 08:45

Why did you turn the job down @NorthSew ?

browneyes77 · 24/07/2021 08:49

OP, this is emotional abuse. It’s a form of coercive control.

I know because I’ve had this exact same behaviour from a partner. He threw a strop if I met people from work, threw a strop if I had to go away for work - in fact would start insinuating he would break up with me. I’d have to lie to work colleagues as to why I couldn’t meet up with them in the evening when we were away for meetings and hide in my hotel room. If he phoned me and couldn’t get hold of me I’d be accused of speaking to other men. If any male acquaintance liked or responded to one of my social media posts, then he’d get jealous and insecure and say I was chatting to them etc.
He would be arsey if I wanted to meet my friends and would purposely ignore me the next day if I called him after I’d been to see them.

He was a big fan of the silent treatment. Anything he perceived as me doing something to upset or annoy him, would get me the silent treatment. And it could literally be ANYTHING. You never saw it coming, because the things I’d get him kicking off about and be given the silent treatment for, were not things any rational person would even kick off about.

Your DH is insecure and controlling and no this is not normal behaviour, it’s abuse. I know it’s easy for all of us to say “you should’ve taken the job!”, but when you’re in this kind of relationship it isn’t that easy to just put your foot down. I get it. I’ve been there.

BUT you HAVE to put your foot down. You HAVE to say “No, you’re not treating me this way”. And you HAVE to push back and do the things you want to do and have a life. And if that means he doesn’t get to be a part of that life, then so be it.

Flowers
Allthebubbles · 24/07/2021 08:50

No it's not normal, it's controlling and designed to isolate you.
You are allowed a life and identity outside of being someone's wife.

WildfirePonie · 24/07/2021 08:56

You need to take this job and get away from him.

seasidegirl83 · 24/07/2021 08:57

Please, please take the job.
I was a stay at home mum for 7 years. My ex hated it when I got a job in the local primary school, but I took it anyway.
It was the best thing I ever did. I got my confidence back, I made amazing friends and I realised what an awful relationship I was in when compared to that of my friends and colleagues. As the old me returned I eventually found the courage to leave him and I've never been happier.
This job could be the start of amazing things for you. Please be brave and go for it!

MumW · 24/07/2021 09:01

Can you email them again and say there's been a mistake, you actually to want the job and your DH emailed them from your account. Then find a way to LTB.

prh47bridge · 24/07/2021 09:01

Do people do that? I feel like I don't know what's normal anymore.

This is not normal behaviour. It is clear from your posts on this thread that you have come to accept very controlling behaviour from him. Yes, there will be other jobs, but he will react in much the same way. I rarely say this, but you need to get out. What you have described is not a healthy relationship.

GreatestSh0wUnicorn · 24/07/2021 09:12

None of this is normal you gave up a job because he went in the huff, it’s not normal, being able to go to the shop without him calling, not normal.

Is there a cultural issue where he thinks this is normal?
Do you have children?

Sandles12 · 24/07/2021 09:26

Controlling behaviour, been there myself over 10 years ago. Questioning for hours when I'd been out, massive arguments over me choosing to wear certain lipstick/clothes. Accusing me and a female friend of all sorts when she stayed over. Demanding to know social media passwords, texting and ringing non stop when I was on holiday questioning what I was up to. Basically arguments over tiny things and you never knew when something would trigger these, because as someone else said they were totally irrational reasons. I could list all day these incidents, weekly occurrences.

But he was great craic and so easy going with everyone else, no-one really believed it until they saw him in action.

I knew at the time it was controlling behaviour before there even was a law against it. This behaviour sounds so similar.

I never stopped doing anything but I started to lie to prevent an argument. Like not tell a male colleague had walked me home on a dark night (I lived on a Scottish island, he was off the island).

It's hard to leave but has to be done. Ironically I got a new job which meant I left the island and him.

WaltzingTilda · 24/07/2021 09:34

I am sorry you are going through this op. This is no way to live. Life is too short. Please either try and get that job back or get another and re-evaluate your marriage. I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage but if he'll only stay with you if you do as he says or if he makes you miserable for having your own mind , it's a toxic and abusive relationship. You need to get out.

Brown76 · 24/07/2021 09:35

You’ve chosen to keep private what happened after he walked out, but those of us who’ve been in your position can imagine. Doesn’t come back for hours. Silent treatment. Sulking. Maybe banging doors, cups. Maybe sleeping in another room. Maybe muttering or comments, or even an accusation or a look. Until it’s clear to you that you’ve caused this with your new job and new people and you can make it stop…you know what to do. Turn the job down. You’re not the only one and you can take your power back.

AramintaLee · 24/07/2021 09:45

Christ... take the job and start planning your escape immediately.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/07/2021 09:52

I assume the job vacancy doesn’t exist anymore as OP started this thread a month ago.

I hope there will be other opportunities to get a job, so you can start your life away from this controlling man

Lovemusic33 · 24/07/2021 09:56

I remember you starting this thread last month, I’m shocked and upset for you that you didn’t take the job. This man doesn’t trust you so he controls you, he has got his own way. He doesn’t want you to have a life, he doesn’t want you to have friends or enjoy yourself outside the relationship, why would you think that’s ok? It’s only going to get worse especially when you are giving him what he wants and not making choices for you.

Biscoffbiscou · 24/07/2021 10:14

Why did you turn down the job OP?

Biscoffbiscou · 24/07/2021 10:15

@Lovemusic33

I remember you starting this thread last month, I’m shocked and upset for you that you didn’t take the job. This man doesn’t trust you so he controls you, he has got his own way. He doesn’t want you to have a life, he doesn’t want you to have friends or enjoy yourself outside the relationship, why would you think that’s ok? It’s only going to get worse especially when you are giving him what he wants and not making choices for you.
I feel sad that you didn’t take the job OP! I also remember your thread from last month. X
grapewine · 24/07/2021 10:34

This is incredibly sad reading. What he's putting you through is not normal, and he is not a nice person. He just knows how to appear that way to others.

grapewine · 24/07/2021 10:38

He doesn't hit me or abuse me or anything like that.

The fact that he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean that he isn't abusing you. It's so very sad that this still has to be said.