Offered a new job, DH walked out

[NorthSew]

AIBU?

I have been working from home for the last 3 years.

Before this, my DH and I ran a business together for 6 years (I was more a silent partner.)

Recently, I've been offered a job at the local university- a job I think I would really enjoy and excel in.

I told him over dinner and he said "oh I am sure you will make lots of new friends and meet new people."

To which I responded "it's not really about that, but, yes, it would be nice to make some friends."

I don't have many here.

He got up and walked through to the kitchen. Then left the house. When I heard him leaving I asked him where he was going but he didn't answer. It's possible he didn't hear me.

I feel stupid now.

I saw your original post. I’m glad you have felt strong enough to come back. You sound to me as though you do understand what’s going on here. I really hope you can find the strength to get away and have a happier life

Did he not know you were keeping an eye open for an opportunity?

I would have it out with him. Ask him why he left like he did last month. Could he be upset thinking this is a sign that he isn't supporting you?

I work from home with our joint business. I think sometimes it's taken for granted that I will be around and if I say I'm heading up to town or the like, DH completely forgets until I'm not here.. I think people just get set in their ways and thinking.

What is abuse?

the freedom programme

Please have a look at these links. The way you're living is not normal or healthy or fair.
Good luck.

Your husband is abusing you.

Unfortunately he wasn't getting champagne or chocolates. I turned down the job.
I'm confused.
What was he doing? And why did you turn down the job?

He does abuse you, though. Why would you say he's not abusing you when this is classic domestic abuse?

Abuse means controlling someone. It doesn't mean nasty words or physical violence, although it may include that.

He doesn't tell you that you can't go out, he makes it so unpleasant or uncomfortable for you that you don't feel able to go out. He trains you to submit.

He punishes you when you do things he doesn't like, so you stop doing them. Like accusing you of cheating (textbook abuse tactic).

Until you end up isolated and dependent upon him with no control over your own life.

That is what abuse is. It is not about ogres, nasty words and black eyes. Where coercion (psychological pressure or manipulation) is used to control someone that is abuse.

It is not about checklists of example behaviours ("oh, well he only does 1 or 3 or 5 or 9 of the 10 example abuse tactics in this list I found, so it can't be abuse"), it is about the exercise of control.

It is your life. It is not normal.

There is no acceptable amount of abuse.

I am quite sad to learn that you turned down the job because of his abuse. I hoped when I saw that this thread was active again that it would be because you had positive news.

I hope that you will consider doing the Freedom Programme course.

It is abuse. He’s controlling you, isolating you, preventing you from being fulfilled and having a life of your own via coercive control. It’s doesn’t have to be being beaten black and blue or called names to be abuse. Just look at how he affects you. That’s not in your head. It’s NOT normal for a loving husband to behave like this - it IS normal for an abuser to behave like this.

I’d be packing my things and waving goodbye..

Absolutely not normal OP. This is abuse.

Definitely sounds like your oblivious to what's normal.. He sounds creepy and controlling and not nice.

He is abusive.. Emotionally and mentally.

I mean this very gently but if he calls when he can’t see you, that’s not right.

You’re an adult who is entitled to go where you want without explaining. If you don’t feel you can, that not right.

If you’ve turned down a job you really wanted to make life at home easy, that’s not right.

And another point of view - I’m taking an unpaid role to gain experience and support my career aspirations and I worried about impact on family life and finances. My OH says not to worry, we will make it work.

If it only works if he’s happy the it’s not really working.

Oh this has made me so sad 😞
Sending 💐

Why have you turned down that job?

Please don't turn down the next. If one employer wants you then others will too.

You need to get away from this man. His behaviour is not normal.

He watched me go to the corner shop the other day, from the window. And then when he couldn't see me he phoned me.

That just sent a shiver down my spine.

Sweetheart, you know this is not normal. You don't have to live like this. Do you have any family you can talk to?

OP, can you take the job? Ring back and say you want it?

That's a ridiculous response from him. I'd also love to work at a university so well done for landing it. Obviously it depends on how your DP is in other ways but is this controlling behaviour from him regular?

Congrats on your new role and enjoy!

@NorthSew why did you turn down the job? It’s not normal for someone to storm out of the room and sulk because their DP has a new job.

He is abusing you.

Accept the job. Explain your circumstances. Then ltb. You will have financial security and your abusive DH is angry that he won’t be able to isolate you socially and financially anymore.

He’s abusive and controlling
Can you ask for this to be moved to the relationship board or start a thread there as there’s lots of good advice there for you? Have you missed out on the job or could you still take it? Call women’s aid next time you’re alone

This is an incredibly abusive relationship OP he doesn’t hit you one expects because he doesn’t need to he has you exactly where he wants you
Nothing is normal in this relationship at akk

What happened between your first post and you turning down the job? It might help you to unpick it.

You are in an abusive relationship and need to get out now.
Wishing you all the best.

You are in an abusive controlling relationship but until you acknowledge this your life will continue to be shit.

Please find a way to leave, OP. You aren't safe with this man.

Coercive control. Not normal, often progresses.

@EileenGC

Do people do that? I feel like I don't know what's normal anymore.

They don’t. They don’t unless they’re controlling and abusing their partners. It’s not normal, definitely not normal.

I'm surprised you put up with it, op.