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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offered a new job, DH walked out

321 replies

NorthSew · 21/06/2021 20:17

AIBU?

I have been working from home for the last 3 years.

Before this, my DH and I ran a business together for 6 years (I was more a silent partner.)

Recently, I've been offered a job at the local university- a job I think I would really enjoy and excel in.

I told him over dinner and he said "oh I am sure you will make lots of new friends and meet new people."

To which I responded "it's not really about that, but, yes, it would be nice to make some friends."

I don't have many here.

He got up and walked through to the kitchen. Then left the house. When I heard him leaving I asked him where he was going but he didn't answer. It's possible he didn't hear me.

I feel stupid now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthSew · 23/07/2021 22:41

It's easy to focus on the one negative post, even when there have been so many helpful ones! I'll try not to do that.

Thank you, everyone else.

There will be other jobs, I'm sure.

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 23/07/2021 22:43

Oh @NorthSew please read the thread again and make some positive decisions about you future.

You know it's not right...

You get one life-take control of yours!

Original poster
NorthSew · 23/07/2021 22:43

@BrozTito

What would he do if you went out for the day without telling him?
He'd be very annoyed and probably accuse me of being with someone else.

Do people do that? I feel like I don't know what's normal anymore.

OP posts:
Somuddled · 23/07/2021 22:46

Get back in touch and grovel like mad for that job. Did he tell you to turn it down? OP this isn't normal behaviour at all.

VictoriaLudorum · 23/07/2021 22:48

OP that is not normal behaviour.
Get out, now!

5foot5 · 23/07/2021 22:49

Do you have anyone you trust who you could go and stay with? This is not normal at all.

EileenGC · 23/07/2021 22:50

Do people do that? I feel like I don't know what's normal anymore.

They don’t. They don’t unless they’re controlling and abusing their partners. It’s not normal, definitely not normal.

BlueSuffragette · 23/07/2021 22:50

OP he has done a right number on you. He's ground you down so you doubt yourself and he controls you. Please reconsider taking the uni job. Come out from under his looming coercive shadow and find yourself again. You are worth so much more. xx

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 23/07/2021 22:51

You were offered a job you think you would enjoy and excel in.
If you can possibly do it, call foest thing on monday morning and say you are really sorry, you would like to know if they would still be interested in you taking that position, and if so you would be delighted to accept and start asap.
It will be the making of you. Someone here will hold.yoir hadn while you do it. If it's too late there atr other options, if not you have a job that you yiu yourself think yiu oi u will enjoy and feel.good about. Time to build yourself back up.
Keep posting.... mumsnetters will help you through it.

SixesAndEights · 23/07/2021 22:51

You need to accept the next job you're offered because that's why you feel isolated. He's a fucking awful person. Don't continue to miss out by turning down jobs that will mean you stop missing out on life.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/07/2021 22:51

It's extremely weird to be annoyed or to accuse your wife just because she's gone out for the day.

It is normal in a relationship to tell each other what your plans are just as part of normal communication, particularly if you usually eat / spend the evening together or if you have childcare to cover (e.g. I'm going for a walk with Jane on Tuesday, I won't be back until X time so please go ahead and eat without me) but it's VERY unusual in a healthy relationship for someone to be 'annoyed' at the other partner going out or to make baseless accusations just because they've gone out.

Do you have children OP?

SixesAndEights · 23/07/2021 22:53

I second what others have suggested, and try and phone them on Monday to accept the job.

What he does is abnormal, he is abnormal.

TomPinch · 23/07/2021 22:53

He'd be very annoyed and probably accuse me of being with someone else.

Do people do that? I feel like I don't know what's normal anymore.

No they don't. Not nice people.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/07/2021 22:56

How can you possibly say he’s nice? He is abusing you op. You say there will be other jobs - but why would he let you have those if he wouldn’t let you take this one? Please realise how awful this is. He has stopped you getting a job, it’s medieval. He is a controlling abuser. Please reach out to someone you know irl and get away from this awful man. This is a waste of a life.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/07/2021 22:57

It's a shame you've turned down the job and if you can, try and rescind your rejection of their offer. But it may be too late, and it's not the end of the world. Don't focus on this one job too much.

What IS important is that you start getting out of the house and being around other people and building up your self-confidence again - you could join a club, do some volunteering or meet up with friends you've lost touch with (I'm guessing there might be a few of these somehow).

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 23/07/2021 22:57

There will be other jobs, I'm sure.
And if he throws a tantrum about those?

You know this isn’t right. Listen to the advice here before it gets much, much worse.

MzHz · 23/07/2021 22:58

Sweetheart this is very wrong

I know that it’s upsetting to hear, but none of this is right

You know this deep down we know, so breathe a little an think about how you feel. How anxious He makes you etc.

It doesn’t have to be like this

theemperorhasnoclothes · 23/07/2021 22:59

Oh and see how he reacts to meeting up with old friends or joining a club.

Normal relationships would involve being happy about (and supportive of) a partner meeting up with friends or joining a club they're excited about.

BrozTito · 23/07/2021 23:00

I think OP meant do people just go out for the day on their own on a whim?

MurielSpriggs · 23/07/2021 23:02

Some people might be a bit confused about the chronology - the OP was offered the job on 21st June when she made her original post. I'm guessing that that ship has long sailed unfortunately.

He's a knobhead by the way, and please do listen to the support you're getting on here.

MrsMillhouse · 23/07/2021 23:10

@NorthSew it’s not normal at all. I’ve been with DH almost 18 years and he has never accused me of being with anyone else. Even on work nights out when a male colleague has dropped me off in a taxi he’s just said it was good that he made sure I got home safe. Or when a male colleague bought me perfume as a thank you: he just commented that was kind and it was good that I was appreciated

MrsMillhouse · 23/07/2021 23:11

A lot of women on various mn threads mention the freedom programme. Have you looked into that?

Freddofrog12 · 23/07/2021 23:11

Try and write down on paper what he does nd doesn't let you do. I think you will then realise the truth

ElizabethTudor · 23/07/2021 23:12

Ahh yes, good point Muriel I hadn’t realised that. Obviously too late to go back to the uni. But Op, there will defo be other jobs. You got one, you can get another.

user1473878824 · 23/07/2021 23:14

OP, there will be other jobs. And there will be other men who don’t treat you like this too. Please leave him.