S@“t has hit the fan. What would you do?

[Whotsithitthefan]

NC as outing. Long time poster.

I can’t sleep. DH had left. Sleeping in the car somewhere I think. DM here staying. DC being bullied at school and so is being a nightmare at home. Once he’s talked about what’s going on he’s fine but while he’s holding it all in, quite frankly, he’s a grumpy thug.

DH approach is long lectures. Reminding DC of past difficult behaviour. Criticising. Telling off. He takes it very personally when DC insults him or is rude to him. Won’t let it go.

I tend to try and listen first as there is always a context and then discuss the difficult behaviour once things are calm and I think DC can reflect.

Tonight DC was acting up. I stayed out of it as DH doesn’t like me taking over and finds it undermining if I offer a different approach. He wants me to back him up but I can’t because I feel like DC would then feel the whole world was against him/her and I don’t want to join in the critical lecture and when I do try and back DH up things just escalate anyway.

So I focused tonight on clearing up and left DH and DC to it. Meanwhile I don’t realise that DM is finding the way DH is talking to DC unbearable. She had told me earlier and I had a bit of a moan as I’m finding it hard.

I then hear really raised voices. DM shouting at DH that he is abusing DC with his criticism and domineering. She’s very upset. He’s really angry with her. DC joining in.

I stood between them and just repeated ‘time out’ over and over. DH kept going and going. When I kept saying time out DC would join in and told DH he’s a psycho. DH finally left and I managed to get DC calm and to sleep.

I’m in bed but can’t sleep as I can see it from all angles and have no clue what to do.

DC ‘full up’ emotionally and feeling particularly got at by DH. Deliberately pushes him because he knows he loses the plot and is testing him. The behaviours need addressing but also DC is a child and is overwhelmed at the moment.

DH is feeling blamed by me and unsupported by me. Feels like I get in the way of their relationship and turn DC against him because I’ll stick up for DC if I feel DH is out of order. I have been trying to stay out of it but it’s hard when it’s a child getting it in the neck. Tonight I stayed out of it apart from ‘time out’ when it was getting too heated. DH is sleeping in his car somewhere refusing to ever talk to my DM ever again. Wants us out of the house tomorrow at one point so he can change for work. Telling me I’m toxic and causing him MH issues (I can be quite critical to be fair) but I feel he’s the one whose being toxic to DC who should be the priority.

DM now in bits because she thinks she’s ‘ruined my life’.

Have today tried to be calm and have supported both DC and DM with their stuff. Feeling too cross with DH to support him much but am worried about him.

Feel like no one is supporting me. I hold the emotional stuff for them all but what about me? AIBU to wish there was someone in my life that was calm and steady to ‘hold’ things together.

How do I handle things tomorrow? I’ll have to do the school run so ‘brave face’ on. Then I know DM will be distraught. God knows if DH will get in touch.

Just needed to get this out and hope someone is awake and had some advice. I need to get some sleep.

[TatianaBis]

@ScrollingLeaves

I think the OP may feel pushed into a corner by the majority of views on this thread. She probably does not really want to break up her marriage or certainly not at present.

Probably the posters who offer her advice within the basic premise of keeping the marriage are most helpful to her.

How helpful are they to the son though.

OP needs to put her son first. She may not want to finish her marriage but her DH is bullying her son into the ground. Sadly, she has no choice.

[Bythemillpond]

RedToothBrush

Why

She's already in counselling which doesn't appear to be helping and said subsequently said that this might be the nail in the coffin

And then he says what he wants and she jumps. Then pushes all the responsibilities on to her ds

[GabriellaMontez]

@ScrollingLeaves

I think the OP may feel pushed into a corner by the majority of views on this thread. She probably does not really want to break up her marriage or certainly not at present.

Probably the posters who offer her advice within the basic premise of keeping the marriage are most helpful to her.

The op is pushed into a corner by her husband.

She may not want to end her marriage. But may well decide to do so for the sake of her son. Who is being bullied/abused.

[gah2teenagers]

My thoughts after reading the whole thread are , your councillor thinks he’s an abuser, so does your MIL so does your DM and so do I. Please stop blaming your hormones you sound 15. Please stop shouting at your poor DC.

[ScrollingLeaves]

It’s not that I personally think she should stay in this marriage - unless her husband takes drastic and immediate action to change - but I just think she may feel leaving doesn’t seem a real possibility for her when it comes down to it. She seemed to just disappear off the thread as though she couldn’t face anymore.

[CorianderBee]

Imagine what kind of adult your son will grow into if he continues to be berated, lectured, insulted, sworn at, screamed at and put down by your husband.

It's a recipe for an angry, reckless, depressed, nasty, abusive young man.

We don't need more of those so DP needs to sort it out.

[HyacynthBucket]

This thread has made me feel sick. That poor child. His grandmother was right to step in, and for the future OP you really MUST stand up for your son, both to protect him now and to keep your relationship with him in the future. How does it make him feel that his mother passively allows the abuse to continue in order to humour the husband? Your Ds is a small child, your husband is a grown man who can look after himself. Your child's feelings and welfare must come first.

[picklemewalnuts]

OP, try referring to your son as 'our little boy' when you talk to your DH. He seems to have forgotten how little and vulnerable he is.

He needs to remember that he is an adult with many resources available to him, whereas your little boy is totally dependent on his parents who therefore need to be totally unflappable in their support of him.

Ask your husband to imagine being employed by someone twice his size, who shouts and lectures and uses rude words every time you make a mistake. Oh, and you live at work.

If your husband is a good man who wants to be a good parent, he needs to remember the power differential between him and his son and accept that he isn't the hard done by victim in all of this.

[PromTwink]

How are you op?

[Mymapuddlington]

Hope things are ok op