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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad for my DS 16

374 replies

MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 22:51

My DS 16, just left school. He’s not academic, didn’t like school or get particularly good exam grades, messed around a lot, hung around with the more ‘spirited’, but he’s essentially a good person who has a good heart. His girlfriend is very bright, just got great GCSE results and this weekend her friend organised a party to celebrate leaving school.
My DS was not invited, when she asked why she was told it was because he was in the wrong ‘friendship group’ and others felt intimidated by his presence. She also said that people generally when they see him deliberately walk on the other side of the road to avoid him. He’s tall, wears hoodies and a base ball cap. AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

OP posts:
Trevsadick · 20/06/2021 23:05

And it doesn't mean he isn't intimatdating.

Intimidation can come in several forms.

If her friends all find him intimidating, what's the most likely situation. That he isn't and they are all wrong.

Or that, meaning to or not, he does act in an intimidating way. Which is why several people feel this way.

RedHelenB · 20/06/2021 23:05

I thought you were going to say he wasn't invited because he wasn't as clever or hard-working. Fair enough not to invite someone you find intimidating though.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 20/06/2021 23:06

How were they released in your area? There would be no point in having exam results day if they could be released whenever. Can you give more info?

CorianderBee · 20/06/2021 23:06

Sounds like his pals are that rowdy, loud group of boys that many of the less brash groups at school find intimidating and overpowering then. Whether he joins in with their behaviour doesn't really matter as he's perceived as one of them. It's their night out and therefore they can say if inviting someone would make them uncomfortable.

As adults we're not forced to include people we feel uncomfortable with to our events so why should these young women? Maybe he needs to look at how he's perceived.

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:07

@FrownedUpon

I’m also a bit suspicious of the ‘spirited’ boys description. We all know what that means. Perhaps he needs to consider the impact his behaviour/choice of friends has.
His friends are quite naughty, but I really like them, they make me laugh.
OP posts:
HasaDigaEebowai · 20/06/2021 23:08

His friends are quite naughty, but I really like them, they make me laugh

Yeah you probably wouldn’t laugh so much if they bad he had disrupted your school career.

MargaretThursday · 20/06/2021 23:08

A phrase someone used once was "a nicer lad you never crossed the road to avoid"... which was said about a mutual friend's ds. Absolutely lovely lad, but his appearance was quite intimidating.

However, I presume that he's at school with the friend so she knows him well, so it's not just about appearance, is it? I would suspect they don't trust him not to turn up with these friends from the "wrong friendship group" or behave in a way that will cause issues at the party.
I don't think that's fickle-it's the friend of the girlfriend, not his gf so she has more responsibility to her friends she's inviting than to one of their boyfriends.

CorianderBee · 20/06/2021 23:08

Ah so his mates are the naughty boys then. The ones that are forceful, loud, often shout over girls or make mean jokes they think are funny? Sound accurate?

I found those boys intimidating at school too.

HasaDigaEebowai · 20/06/2021 23:09

*they and he

Your son is hanging around with the wrong crowd

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:10

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

How were they released in your area? There would be no point in having exam results day if they could be released whenever. Can you give more info?
I received a message in Thursday to say I could email the school for results. They were received in the post on Friday. They are the predicted grades made by teachers because of Covid
OP posts:
Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:11

@CorianderBee

Ah so his mates are the naughty boys then. The ones that are forceful, loud, often shout over girls or make mean jokes they think are funny? Sound accurate?

I found those boys intimidating at school too.

From what I have seen they treat girls respectfully, they all have girlfriends
OP posts:
Trevsadick · 20/06/2021 23:11

Why do I feel this is a wind up?

Since you have recently posted about your dislike of him smoking weed on a regular basis.

I mean, which parents hear their child is making people feel intimated, knows his friends a trouble makers (naughty isn't usually used to describe older children) but it's OK, cause it makes you laugh?

On the off chance you are for real, your ds is disliked by her friends because he and his friends are trouble and they are worried he will ruin this party and probably bring drugs so he can chill out

Her friends don't want to associate with him. That's entirely their right.

Fair enough you feel sad for him, but its a consequence of his lifestyle choices.

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:12

@HasaDigaEebowai

His friends are quite naughty, but I really like them, they make me laugh

Yeah you probably wouldn’t laugh so much if they bad he had disrupted your school career.

I’m not sure what your comment means
OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 20/06/2021 23:12

Gcse have not been released in any area they are all released on the same date

mineofuselessinformation · 20/06/2021 23:12

As far as I know, no school is releasing any results because they are yet to be submitted for scrutiny.
I would be very interested to know where you live, as in England this would not be considered appropriate or acceptable.

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:13

@Trevsadick

Why do I feel this is a wind up?

Since you have recently posted about your dislike of him smoking weed on a regular basis.

I mean, which parents hear their child is making people feel intimated, knows his friends a trouble makers (naughty isn't usually used to describe older children) but it's OK, cause it makes you laugh?

On the off chance you are for real, your ds is disliked by her friends because he and his friends are trouble and they are worried he will ruin this party and probably bring drugs so he can chill out

Her friends don't want to associate with him. That's entirely their right.

Fair enough you feel sad for him, but its a consequence of his lifestyle choices.

Not sure why you bothered posting?
OP posts:
Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:13

@mineofuselessinformation

As far as I know, no school is releasing any results because they are yet to be submitted for scrutiny. I would be very interested to know where you live, as in England this would not be considered appropriate or acceptable.
I’m not in England, different part of the UK
OP posts:
Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:14

@worriedatthemoment

Gcse have not been released in any area they are all released on the same date
Well clearly not, I have received them in the post
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worriedatthemoment · 20/06/2021 23:14

@mineofuselessinformation yes same as not heard of a single school doing this and predicted isn't your result anyway and could change. Sounds strange

CorianderBee · 20/06/2021 23:15

Having girlfriends doesn't mean they're respectful to girls at school. And I don't think as a mum you know anything about what your son and his mates are like at school. Feel sad for him if you like, he is your son and just a teen, but I think the girls feeling intimidated also makes me feel sad for them as clearly there are kids at their school that they don't want to be around as they feel intimidated by them.

Trevsadick · 20/06/2021 23:15

Not sure why you bothered posting?

Because its mn and that's what you do.

Why did you post at all when you clearly don't want hear what people say.

Graphista · 20/06/2021 23:15

Yep the more you post the more I'm thinking you're giving a VERY watered down version of what he and his pals get up to.

She doesn't have to invite him she has every right not to and she didn't even owe him an explanation, he doesn't have to be with her for every social occasion she has, that mindset alone would concern me

From what I have seen

Come on surely you know how they behave when parents are present can be very different from how they are when it's just their friends!

I'm doubting the genuine nature of this too

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:16

@titchy

Because finding someone intimidating is not the same as behaving in an intimidating way

Equally maybe he is behaving in an intimidating manner. Or his friends are pretty yobbish. You're his mum - you'll always see the good in him. But something is clearly making him unappealing to a group of girls.

I think it was more the boys that were invited, not the girls
OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 20/06/2021 23:16

Seems in wales they are

Original poster
MagnificentBottom · 20/06/2021 23:16

@Graphista

Yep the more you post the more I'm thinking you're giving a VERY watered down version of what he and his pals get up to.

She doesn't have to invite him she has every right not to and she didn't even owe him an explanation, he doesn't have to be with her for every social occasion she has, that mindset alone would concern me

From what I have seen

Come on surely you know how they behave when parents are present can be very different from how they are when it's just their friends!

I'm doubting the genuine nature of this too

Ah you, it’s been a while
OP posts: