To feel a bit sad for my DS 16

[MagnificentBottom]

My DS 16, just left school. He’s not academic, didn’t like school or get particularly good exam grades, messed around a lot, hung around with the more ‘spirited’, but he’s essentially a good person who has a good heart. His girlfriend is very bright, just got great GCSE results and this weekend her friend organised a party to celebrate leaving school.
My DS was not invited, when she asked why she was told it was because he was in the wrong ‘friendship group’ and others felt intimidated by his presence. She also said that people generally when they see him deliberately walk on the other side of the road to avoid him. He’s tall, wears hoodies and a base ball cap. AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

So yesterday people crossed the roads, his friends were 'spirited' and you found them funny.

Today to admit, you want to steer him away from some of them?

I mean this seriously, were you a bit emotional or drunk last night? Because its not like it's even the same person posting.

I agree about never being quite sure what dc are like away from home with their peer group. It’s all a bit like Perry with his Yes Mrs Patterson niceness.

DS had various friends at school, the ones he knew at primary school became like your sons friendship group. One was expelled. They got in a lot of trouble. They really started to play up when they went to secondary school. It was at that point they were all split up in to different ability sets. I do wonder if the kids in bottom sets play up as a sort of defence because deep down their embarrassed. His primary mates were all put in low sets. He made new friends in his new sets. It was the same when I was at school with the less academic kids causing most of the trouble.

DS has stayed in touch on SM. Half are doing ok and half are complete wasters.

I hope the ones that aren’t doing ok turn themselves around I remember them as sweet little five year olds. One of the ones doing well now had a huge shock. He got a job with his Uncle and then was sacked after six months, it shocked him. My goodness his poor Mum who had really tried her best was so embarrassed.

I get it OP. He is your son and you don’t think he’s a bad lad at heart.

But something about him and his friends are intimidating enough to cause others the cross the road and avoid them (as you said above).
That’s a pretty extreme reaction from a whole group of teenagers if your DS is actually ‘safe’ (teen expression there 🤣).

I'm afraid alarm bells are ringing if others 'cross the road to avoid him' & think he's in the wrong group. Sounds like his group are the ones all parents want their kids to avoid. Sorry..

@Auntienumber8

I hope the ones that aren’t doing ok turn themselves around I remember them as sweet little five year olds. One of the ones doing well now had a huge shock. He got a job with his Uncle and then was sacked after six months, it shocked him. My goodness his poor Mum who had really tried her best was so embarrassed.

This is it.

I think kids in this group haven't been well prepared for the adult world. They've almost been cushioned from it and had something of free ride through school because there are relatively few ways to effectively deal with difficult kids.

Reality sets in when they realise they can't doss about at work without big consequences.

Your attitude and work ethic are really relevant here. So even if you aren't academic, trying hard and behaving are crucial life skills. The fact the OP has been called into school over behaviour is the massive red flag. There is something thats problematic and had an impact on others. Its not just something thats about academic performance - its anti-social behaviour.

If you fall into the wrong crowd and turn to weed (and potentially over drugs) it gets even harder because the peer pressure is different - but it doesn't change the expectations in the workplace.

If someone is percieved as being intimidating, that might be a real barrier to getting a job and holding a job down. Especially with weed in the mix.

Some kids in this situation do thrive after leaving school, but need a focus, to do something they are interested in and usually someone to invest time and attention into that as a mentor and to direct / channel them.

There are some lessons for both the OP and her son to learn from this. Outside school there is no drive and obligation to be inclusive of people who don't fit the mould as well as others. It suddenly falls back on the individual to get their own act together rather than sitting back and having a laugh.

Its the reality of the real world.

As it goes, I think the same thing happens to a lot of more academic kids, later on, but they have the advantage of a better education and the extra maturity that those few years give. If you leave school at 16 you have to grow up a lot faster and more abruptly than your peers and that in itself is a shock when they are still in party mode and you've got to be up and ready for work at 9am the next day and thats your lot.

His gf also smokes weed and drinks vodka probably her friends do too, so I don’t think the weed has anything to do with not being invited.

probably

It’s not an assumption, his gf told me. I think this is typical, that doesn’t mean all teens behave like this

his gf told me

Nope thats two very different statements you've made. You wouldn't have said probably in the first place, if his gf has told you. You would have written that his gf does drugs too and I know her friends do too, because she's told me.

Not buying it.

You are just trying to cover your arse and demonstrate you are right to MN.

Its not MN you need to make a point with.

Reality doesn't change because you say it on MN.

@RedToothBrush

His gf also smokes weed and drinks vodka probably her friends do too, so I don’t think the weed has anything to do with not being invited.

probably

It’s not an assumption, his gf told me. I think this is typical, that doesn’t mean all teens behave like this

his gf told me

Nope thats two very different statements you've made. You wouldn't have said probably in the first place, if his gf has told you. You would have written that his gf does drugs too and I know her friends do too, because she's told me.

Not buying it.

You are just trying to cover your arse and demonstrate you are right to MN.

Its not MN you need to make a point with.

Reality doesn't change because you say it on MN.

I think it’s ok that people have different opinions 👍

@Meredithisgrey

So yesterday people crossed the roads, his friends were 'spirited' and you found them funny.

Today to admit, you want to steer him away from some of them?

I mean this seriously, were you a bit emotional or drunk last night? Because its not like it's even the same person posting.

Yes, the friends I have met are quite funny. I don’t think I have met the real red flag ones and yes I do want to steer him away from those but I’m not sure that’s doable.

I wasn’t emotionally drunk I just think things have lots of layers and aspects and aren’t quite as black and white as they first seem

@Mumoftwoinprimary

So basically your son’s girlfriend’s friends don’t like him because he is part of a group that smokes weed, shoplifts and disrupts lessons. (Although he doesn’t or maybe only disrupts lessons.)

So they haven’t invited him to their party.

Seems reasonable really - teen parties have a habit of getting out of hand so you do need to vet your invitees carefully.

In time one of three things will happen:-

1. He and his girlfriend will carry on as they are with separate friends - may be useful in the long run as when a couple has all joint friends it is very messy when they split up.
2. He will become more friendly with her friends (if she is going to college then she will make different friends anyway).
3. They will split up. (Highly likely as they are 16!)

The real question is - why does this bother you so much when your son isn’t bothered? Has it reminded you that there is a big gap between your son and the high achieving kids? Or is it just the normal mum reaction of not liking seeing your child be rejected?

His gf’s friends do like him, there were a few boys also attending that may have been problematic which is why he wasn’t invited.

It doesn’t bother me that much, I mentioned earlier I think I had over thought this and it’s a non issue.

I think I just didn’t like knowing that he had been rejected. I’m not concerned about the gap between the high achievers, everyone is different and although education is important it’s not the end of the world if high exam grades aren’t achieved. I think we all know of people who were excellent at school and have ended up in dead end jobs or no job, similarly there are people who were complete wasters in school who now have great careers.

I do hope you’re right about them splitting up, I really don’t like mum.

You want him and his girlfriend to split up because you don’t like her mother?

@Bluntness100

You want him and his girlfriend to split up because you don’t like her mother?

This!

It sounds like the GF is the small bit of good influence he has.

@Bluntness100

You want him and his girlfriend to split up because you don’t like her mother?

I don’t want them to split up because of her mother but it would be a relief!

Well she’s good at school but she’s really not a great influence outside of that

He has a lot of good influences I’m not sure what made you say that

@MagnificentBottom I wouldn't even bother with this thread anymore, the assumptions have already been made about your son and he's already been written off.

Are people aware that it's ok to go back to education when they are ready? That school grades are not the be all and end all.
That having a bit of a messy phase at 16 does absolutely NOT destroy the rest of your life?
This mum sounds like she loves her son very much and supports him, massive important factors in life.

[quote misssunshine4040]@MagnificentBottom I wouldn't even bother with this thread anymore, the assumptions have already been made about your son and he's already been written off.

Are people aware that it's ok to go back to education when they are ready? That school grades are not the be all and end all.
That having a bit of a messy phase at 16 does absolutely NOT destroy the rest of your life?
This mum sounds like she loves her son very much and supports him, massive important factors in life.
[/quote]
I think you’re right about him being written off already!

You’re right I love him very much like any mum and will always support him. He does have a lot of positive forces and effects in his life and his Dad and I are influential role models with a strong work ethic so hopefully this will be enough to see him through to successful adulthood.

You have received some mean and horrible response!

Good luck

There are some very angry posters on here today. Not all kids are super bright, engaged, ambitious, DofE, hill walking, charity fundraising, sports playing, shining examples of academic excellence. Some kids aren't into school and will stray from the path, push boundaries and don't meet parental expectations.

You don't need to write him off as a drug addled future prison inmate! Such a narrow view of what it is to be a teenager. People change, you know.

Some of those perfect students might also be smoking weed and necking vodka. They just hide it better.

I started reading early this morning and probably got about half way so haven’t read the whole thing.

I don’t see why there’s an issue. My dd has been to a couple of parties, numbers are limited and they cant invite everyone. It’s a non issue, they’re just in different friendship groups. Dd1 is in the high achieving group, but some of her friends are very reserved and judgmental, she didn’t even invite them to her party, let alone the lad who doesn’t try at school, and is always in trouble, who lives a few doors down from us. I said she could invite 10 friends and she chose the 10 she thought she’d have a good time with!

So what if your son didn’t make the cut this time?

Just to add as a disclaimer. I have nothing against the lad a few doors down, I’ve known him since he was 2 abs I get on well with his mum. I was a trouble maker at school too so I get it!

My point was only that they move in completely different circles, so it would never have crossed her mind to invite him.

@HasaDigaEebowai

His friends are quite naughty, but I really like them, they make me laugh

Yeah you probably wouldn’t laugh so much if they bad he had disrupted your school career.

Oh dear. Please don’t laugh at ‘naughty’ boys. They often turn into horrible, abusive men.

You've had some harshe responses OP but, in this , and a previous thread, you have spoken about your son in a not very good light.

You've said "I've just got him a job which will give him a lucrative career."
Why didn't he get his own job? It sounds like your doing everything for him regarding his future.
"He's not an easy teen." This reads like you are finding him difficult. Couple all this with the weed smoking and hanging around with other folk who aren't putting an effort into life, people crossing the road to avoid him ( please dig into your heart and ask why ?) and the fact that he wasn't invited to this party must tell you that your son's behaviour is still impacting on his life now, and in the future.

I'd suggest coming off here and finding a different platform for your anxiety regarding your son.

You also need to try to sit him down and have a very meaningful heart to heart.

@DroopyClematis - they gave him a job on his dads company..........

The job in dad's company actually explains everything.

I taught boys like this. Nice deep down but an absolute nightmare in class - not mean types but so incredibly disengaged and loud and disruptive and mocking towards anyone (especially other boys, often feeling girls are a different species and therefore allowed a bit of leeway to be swots because who knows what girls are thinking) who actually wants to work.

Knowing that they have a job in the family business no matter how badly they fail their exams combined with not being naturally academic is exactly why they're like this. They may be nice at heart but they are so infuriatingly cocky and really spoil things for those of their peers who aren't exactly like them.