To feel a bit sad for my DS 16

[MagnificentBottom]

My DS 16, just left school. He’s not academic, didn’t like school or get particularly good exam grades, messed around a lot, hung around with the more ‘spirited’, but he’s essentially a good person who has a good heart. His girlfriend is very bright, just got great GCSE results and this weekend her friend organised a party to celebrate leaving school.
My DS was not invited, when she asked why she was told it was because he was in the wrong ‘friendship group’ and others felt intimidated by his presence. She also said that people generally when they see him deliberately walk on the other side of the road to avoid him. He’s tall, wears hoodies and a base ball cap. AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

If it's the girlfriends friend hosting the party tho I don't see why she would necessarily invite him. Especially when they have different friend groups. Sounds like gf has tried to find an excuse when he's asked but it's as simple as the friendship groups I think. She obv likes him

@quizqueen

Is spirited another word for badly behaved?

When they’re five yes. When they’re 16 however....

A group of girls find your son intimidating.

Probably worth investigating, no? Especially when you combine it with him having dodgy friends, low effort/poor GCSEs and a tendancy to mess around.

Image involved with drugs? If so, surely that alone would justify not being invited.

If not, what do do you call silly behaviour that others find intimidating?

Just be very careful of the company he keeps if you can. My son got in with the wrong crowd, started smoking weed, became demotivated. He was always happy and kind although he never liked school much. Since leaving school he’s been robbed 3 times at knifepoint (one time by one of his so called best friends) now my son has become a recluse.
He has huge trust issues now, he doesn’t want to go out anymore, he’s angry much of the time, he’s a changed person.
Don’t think it can’t or won’t happen to your son.

I read the entire thread but am still struggling to understand what were you hoping to gain from this thread?

You have been very dismissive of comments that raised concerns about your son's contribution to that perception and his wellbeing. Agreed, some of those have been very harsh and hurtful, however - most have been polite expression of opinions.

I'm finding it difficult to imagine a parent not concerned about their child being perceived as 'intimidating' by a group of their peers and 'general people' crossing the street when they see your son. Even if those perceptions are completely unfounded in reality (and they very VERY rarely are) - shouldn't your focus be on why is he perceived as intimidating by so many people and how to change that perception?

If nothing else, those kind of perceptions in a smaller place can seriously limit his options - socially and professionally.

I would think the girlfriend is OK and he needs to lose the ‘spirited’ friends ASAP.

OP, GCSE results are NOT released until August. What on earth are you talking about?

What is this certain part of the country you live in? La la land?

Do you mean raw scores - eg 75 out of whatever? Some schools have released this information, but not how it correlates to grade boundaries.

Your school is in serious breach of Ofqual if it has released grades.

What area are you in?

In Wales at least, schools have released provisional results. Not sure why so many people are picking on the frankly least important part of the OP’s post.

Official results - along with some specific qualifications - are still in August but this is likely to confirm those already given.

“In Wales at least, schools have released provisional results.”

Are you actually joking??

Have they done the same for A-levels too?

[quote worriedatthemoment]@TomNookk not in england they aren't[/quote]
There’s more places in the UK than England. 🤣

Ah I’m sorry op and I’m sure you know that if he continues down this path this is how his life will go. He’s only sixteen, not done well at school , hangs with a bad crowd who are petty criminals and does drugs.

My brother was like that, he didn’t manage to turn it round. I don’t know if you were maybe a bit drunk last night or just being defensive, but I think your responses are what have caused the way the thread has went.

Hopefully he turns it round snd I think uou know that the reason he wasn’t invited is not because he wears a hoodie. But it’s reasonable to be sad that he is being rejected due to his behaviour and reputation.

Yes they have done the same for A-levels. Both my Nephews have received their GCSE and A level grades, respectively.

They are very unlikely to be changed but a selection will be reviewed by WJEC etc for standardisation and officially released in August. The eldest nephew is planning to go to Swansea university and that university at least, is accepting these preliminary (very much unlikely to change) grades already,

Love from la la land

The problem here OP is that he isn't bothered.

You got him a job. Its great that you had the ability to do that.

But what happens when he tries to be intimidating at work, or his weed habit becomes known, or thinks causing trouble at work is funny, or people don't want to deal with him and avoid him.

Will you continue to get him another job and another?

Or do you think he can switch off these parts of his demeanor. So he only does it to people he can intimidate, or where he cab get away with it. In which case, he knows its wrong.

Got as far as "spirited" and snorted into my coffee.

And to OP - sadly, I doubt your son will have to worry about what his gf friends’ invite him to for long. Sounds like she’ll go off to university before long and forget all about him, let’s face it!

“Yes they have done the same for A-levels. Both my Nephews have received their GCSE and A level grades, respectively.”

Just when you thought this year couldn’t get worse for GCSE and A-level students ... now this! Wtf! I’m starting a thread. How can there be any consistency of grades when Welsh schools have practically issued results; some schools in England have released “raw scores” but no grade boundaries and other (most) schools in England, nothing. It’s a joke. GW has a lot to answer for. Talk about inconsistency.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

Got as far as "spirited" and snorted into my coffee.

Yes I think OP has a huge spoon and a silly username and is enjoying themselves.

@worriedatthemoment

Gcse have not been released in any area they are all released on the same date

My son gets his preliminary results from school today and the examining board give the official results in August. Another local school released their preliminary results last Thursday. The schools mark the students work and support their grade with evidential course work/exams, that are sent off to the examining board. The exam board can alter the grade, but unless the student is on the cusp of two grades there will probably be very little change. Not sure if this nationwide as we are in Wales and we have a different examining body. Going back to the OP’s post. You may find your son and his friends’ behaviour is somewhat different in your company than in school and in the company of other school acquaintances. If you find them spirited in your presence that probably equates to annoyingly loud, juvenile and playing the big I am when out of your earshot and view. My elder son’s friends are welcome to come round, drink and watch sport pretty much any time, because they are respectful, sensible lads and always have been. My daughter’s male friends have only been once and were kicked out very quickly due to lack of respect and generally shit, juvenile behaviour.

The son doesn’t have a problem; come what may mummy will shield him from the consequences. Unfortunately for us, she’s raised a one-boy wrecking ball and he’s now everyone else’s problem.

I thought people only excused toddlers bad behaviour as being 'spirited' I had no idea this continued into young adulthood! I'm guessing the girlfriend knows a lot more about his intimidating behaviour than you do - being tall and wearing a baseball cap can't be the only reason people avoid him.

@me4real

You seem a bit angry. Everything ok? I’m very confident and happy with my parenting

@MagnificentBottom Really? Your DS has dropped out of education and is hanging out with stoner shoplifters and taking drugs.

I just got him a job which will give him a lucrative career

We'll see. Maybe you had to get him a job because he couldn't get one on his own merits.

@Brokenheartedad Did you miss the drugs and crime bit?

sadly very sheltered posters.

@misssunshine4040 I live in an inner city tower block, that's why I don't like this stuff, I've seen too much. I had a pleasant walk to the corner shop in the sun a while back.....

And saw a young man bleeding to death outside the shop after a drug-gang related drive by shooting.

There are a lot of intimidating looking blokes round here as well. Girls are sensible if they know to avoid them.

Yes I also live in a the less desirable part of my city and witnessed awful things, that doesn't mean we tar all with the same brush. The OP has not even hinted that he's involved in selling drugs, gang violence or anything of the sort. Smoking a bit of weed and having mates that are also not into school in a big does not make him delinquent destined for a life of addiction or jail.

I can confirm that in Wales we have had our GCSE results! I'm sure that has been clarified by now though.
OP my male children have ditched their stoner mates so it's not just girls that don't like it.

@Lulalu

“In Wales at least, schools have released provisional results.”

Are you actually joking??

Have they done the same for A-levels too?

No the PP isn’t joking. My niece gets her preliminary A-level results from school on 24th June. It’s no surprise that the different home nations do things differently to each other. We have our own examing bodies, health boards, etc.

They probably don’t want his ‘spirited’ (trouble causing mates) turning up too. I don’t know why you feel sad though, it’s completely normal in high school to only invite your friendship group to parties, it’s good that they both still have their own friendship groups too. Surely he can arrange a celebration with his own friends?

Also from my experience of teens (through work) if the gf’s group includes boys too the more ‘spirited’ types can often be dicks to those boys who’ve focused more on school and good grades. Not always of course but definitely something I’ve observed quite a lot.