Page 13 | To feel a bit sad for my DS 16

MagnificentBottom · 2021-06-20T21:51:43+00:00

My DS 16, just left school. He’s not academic, didn’t like school or get particularly good exam grades, messed around a lot, hung around with the more ‘spirited’, but he’s essentially a good person who has a good heart. His girlfriend is very bright, just got great GCSE results and this weekend her friend organised a party to celebrate leaving school. My DS was not invited, when she asked why she was told it was because he was in the wrong ‘friendship group’ and others felt intimidated by his presence. She also said that people generally when they see him deliberately walk on the other side of the road to avoid him. He’s tall, wears hoodies and a base ball cap. AIBU to think this is incredibly petty or are teenagers generally this fickle?

PocketPenny · 21/06/2021 11:36

This thread has hit a nerve with people because we all know the type of lad group OP is describing.

CorianderBee · 21/06/2021 11:41

@vegas888

All those people complaining about weed and it being a drug, I assume you neither smoke, drink or take prescription drugs. Look at hospital admissions for alcohol and smoking related illnesses and then look at the same for weed.

What all legal things?

PiersPlowman · 21/06/2021 11:42

“ His gf also smokes weed and drinks vodka probably her friends do too, so I don’t think the weed has anything to do with not being invited.”

16 year olds necking spirits and doing bongs… words fail me.
I would have removed my son from that school. Too bad it’s now a police matter.

Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 11:53

@PiersPlowman

“ His gf also smokes weed and drinks vodka probably her friends do too, so I don’t think the weed has anything to do with not being invited.”

16 year olds necking spirits and doing bongs… words fail me.
I would have removed my son from that school. Too bad it’s now a police matter.

Do you think a different school would mean this problem wouldn’t exist? Why are you talking about bongs?

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Xiaoxiong · 21/06/2021 11:55

I did just want to pick up on this comment, which I found very illuminating:

Because finding someone intimidating is not the same as behaving in an intimidating way

Any behaviour, even if it isn't intended as such, becomes intimidating if a reasonable person when confronted with that behaviour would find it intimidating. If people find either your son or the people he hangs around with intimidating, then it matters not a jot that they are actually sweethearts who are funny but "naughty".

I would feel a bit sad for my DS to be left out of a party, but it sounds like it's a direct consequence of either his own behaviour, or of those he hangs around with. You lie down with dogs - even funny, "naughty" ones - you rise up with fleas...

Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 11:57

@Xiaoxiong

I did just want to pick up on this comment, which I found very illuminating:

Because finding someone intimidating is not the same as behaving in an intimidating way

Any behaviour, even if it isn't intended as such, becomes intimidating if a reasonable person when confronted with that behaviour would find it intimidating. If people find either your son or the people he hangs around with intimidating, then it matters not a jot that they are actually sweethearts who are funny but "naughty".

I would feel a bit sad for my DS to be left out of a party, but it sounds like it's a direct consequence of either his own behaviour, or of those he hangs around with. You lie down with dogs - even funny, "naughty" ones - you rise up with fleas...

I don’t think so, I think some people can feel intimidated for their own personal reasons not necessarily because of the actions of the perpetrator

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PiersPlowman · 21/06/2021 11:58

“ Do you think a different school would mean this problem wouldn’t exist?”

So drugs are rife and no one bats an eyelid?

Christ on a bike.

Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:01

@PiersPlowman

“ Do you think a different school would mean this problem wouldn’t exist?”

So drugs are rife and no one bats an eyelid?

Christ on a bike.

You haven’t answered the question

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pixietinkdust · 21/06/2021 12:05

@MagnificentBottom I remember things like this when I was in school (12+ years ago)… is this not just the case of the academics having more of a “nerdy” party? Would is really be somewhere your DS would enjoy going?

The spirited friends would probably have what we would have called a “cool” party, I wouldn’t expect either friendship group to be invited to the others parties because they likely just don’t socialise.

It was always uncommon to find someone really academic who was also cool - the terms sound terrible when I’m writing them now but that really is how teenagers are. There’s always the popular kids and there’s always the nerdier kids. Nobody is better, just different.

cansu · 21/06/2021 12:06

I think you need to consider that what you see at home is not what he displays at school. He hangs around with a group of kids who mess about and are probably intimidating. He wasn't invited to the party as he is seen as someone who will probably bring trouble with him. Maybe you need to see this for what it is a wake up call about your ds and where he is going with his life.

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2021 12:07

I think it's a tough one. Its GF friends party, guess the friend can invite who she wants and if she doesn't want her friends bf there then that's her choice.

Why not have a party/bbq at yours

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2021 12:07

On different night

cansu · 21/06/2021 12:09

The fact that you say they are spirited and then 'quite naughty' is really odd. Small children are naughty. In what way are they naughty? You can't describe a 16 year old as naughty. What you probably mean is that they do anti social stuff, disrupted lessons and were generally disaffected and troublesome at school. There is your answer for why they were not invited, not because they wear baseball caps!

PiersPlowman · 21/06/2021 12:10

“You haven’t answered the question”

And you have completely abdicated any parental responsibility towards your son. You’ve left it for others to deal with the consequences, and apparently the girlfriend is a fast learner.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/06/2021 12:10

Yes he does have a few friends who are undesirable and I would like to steer him away but it’s not easy to control who a 16 year old hangs around with.

Then this is a life lesson that might help him to figure it out for himself. But it wont if you dismiss it as teenagers being petty and fickle rather than other teenagers having a better sense than your son about who it's not a good idea to mix with.

Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:11

@Hankunamatata

I think it's a tough one. Its GF friends party, guess the friend can invite who she wants and if she doesn't want her friends bf there then that's her choice.

Why not have a party/bbq at yours

Yeah you’re right, it is the host’s decision of course. I think it was more of an issue for me than him. It’s all forgotten about now so now, he said he’d prefer a take away curry than a party anyway so that’s easy 😊

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Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:12

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Yes he does have a few friends who are undesirable and I would like to steer him away but it’s not easy to control who a 16 year old hangs around with.

Then this is a life lesson that might help him to figure it out for himself. But it wont if you dismiss it as teenagers being petty and fickle rather than other teenagers having a better sense than your son about who it's not a good idea to mix with.

I think you’re right, I had read too much into this situation, it’s really non issue

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Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:14

@PiersPlowman

“You haven’t answered the question”

And you have completely abdicated any parental responsibility towards your son. You’ve left it for others to deal with the consequences, and apparently the girlfriend is a fast learner.

I really don’t know what you mean? Why do you think I’ve abdicated parental responsibility? Why is the girlfriend a fast learner? Who’s dealing with what consequences?

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/06/2021 12:19

Yeah you’re right, it is the host’s decision of course. I think it was more of an issue for me than him. It’s all forgotten about now so now, he said he’d prefer a take away curry than a party anyway so that’s easy

Have You thought about WHY it is more of an issue to You? Could it be that Your Son knows exactly why he has not been invited so it wasn't a shock to him at all?

I think You are more bothered about it because you have let his behaviour go on unchecked for so long (Using words like spirited and naughty to excuse it , rather than what it actually is) that you now feel guilty for not getting on top of it sooner and nipping it in the bud?

RedToothBrush · 21/06/2021 12:21

Her female friends actually really like DS, the issue was because of others boys feeling intimidated by my DS not the girls.

Still an issue.

You can't ignore it.

Whats going on? There's still an issue here about behaviour.

His behaviour at school wasn’t great, I did attend meetings regularly with his head of year to improve matters and try and encourage him to do better. I also paid private tutors to help with his maths and English. He wasn’t in the same class as the others invited so I don’t think it was because he disrupted them at school.

Kids mix outside class.

I am not aware of any of his behaviour as being intimidating. As someone previously mentioned, he is judged by who he hangs around with whether rightly or wrongly.

Still consequences of who you mix with, which you need to accept and deal with one way or another. You can't expect 16 year olds to just 'play together nicely and make friends with everyone'. And you've just been told that there is a problem with this. Maybe its genuine - afterall you know his behaviour has been problematic. At whose expense? You are unlikely to be informed of this part of the equation.

His gf also smokes weed and drinks vodka probably her friends do too, so I don’t think the weed has anything to do with not being invited.

Thats a pretty big assumption. You don't know this. You are assuming it. It might be part of the problem still too.

No taking drugs as a teenager is not 'typical'. Plenty of kids don't touch weed.

Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:22

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Yeah you’re right, it is the host’s decision of course. I think it was more of an issue for me than him. It’s all forgotten about now so now, he said he’d prefer a take away curry than a party anyway so that’s easy

Have You thought about WHY it is more of an issue to You? Could it be that Your Son knows exactly why he has not been invited so it wasn't a shock to him at all?

I think You are more bothered about it because you have let his behaviour go on unchecked for so long (Using words like spirited and naughty to excuse it , rather than what it actually is) that you now feel guilty for not getting on top of it sooner and nipping it in the bud?

His behaviour is much better since leaving school, I did deal with bad behaviour previously with sanctions but they were largely ineffective. He’s not an easy teen, but as I say things have improved so I’m hoping it was a phase

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GuineaPigPosie · 21/06/2021 12:22

Fwiw, my brother was smoking weed and drinking at 16, hanging out with some weirdos/undesirable types, but x amount of years later has now been through university, started his own business and has his own place. If OP is a solid base for her DS there's no reason why he will end up in prison. The fact that he's going straight to work is good, everyone is different and college isn't for all. Keep being there for him OP, he sound like a good lad and certainly not the worst of the worst. I went to school with a few types like him, bigger and more intimidating when with friends but would stick up for the little guy in a heartbeat.

Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:23

@RedToothBrush

Her female friends actually really like DS, the issue was because of others boys feeling intimidated by my DS not the girls.

Still an issue.

You can't ignore it.

Whats going on? There's still an issue here about behaviour.

His behaviour at school wasn’t great, I did attend meetings regularly with his head of year to improve matters and try and encourage him to do better. I also paid private tutors to help with his maths and English. He wasn’t in the same class as the others invited so I don’t think it was because he disrupted them at school.

Kids mix outside class.

I am not aware of any of his behaviour as being intimidating. As someone previously mentioned, he is judged by who he hangs around with whether rightly or wrongly.

Still consequences of who you mix with, which you need to accept and deal with one way or another. You can't expect 16 year olds to just 'play together nicely and make friends with everyone'. And you've just been told that there is a problem with this. Maybe its genuine - afterall you know his behaviour has been problematic. At whose expense? You are unlikely to be informed of this part of the equation.

His gf also smokes weed and drinks vodka probably her friends do too, so I don’t think the weed has anything to do with not being invited.

Thats a pretty big assumption. You don't know this. You are assuming it. It might be part of the problem still too.

No taking drugs as a teenager is not 'typical'. Plenty of kids don't touch weed.

It’s not an assumption, his gf told me. I think this is typical, that doesn’t mean all teens behave like this

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Original poster

MagnificentBottom · 21/06/2021 12:24

@GuineaPigPosie

Fwiw, my brother was smoking weed and drinking at 16, hanging out with some weirdos/undesirable types, but x amount of years later has now been through university, started his own business and has his own place. If OP is a solid base for her DS there's no reason why he will end up in prison. The fact that he's going straight to work is good, everyone is different and college isn't for all. Keep being there for him OP, he sound like a good lad and certainly not the worst of the worst. I went to school with a few types like him, bigger and more intimidating when with friends but would stick up for the little guy in a heartbeat.

Thank you, at last someone who lives in the real world

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Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/06/2021 12:40

So basically your son’s girlfriend’s friends don’t like him because he is part of a group that smokes weed, shoplifts and disrupts lessons. (Although he doesn’t or maybe only disrupts lessons.)

So they haven’t invited him to their party.

Seems reasonable really - teen parties have a habit of getting out of hand so you do need to vet your invitees carefully.

In time one of three things will happen:-

He and his girlfriend will carry on as they are with separate friends - may be useful in the long run as when a couple has all joint friends it is very messy when they split up.
He will become more friendly with her friends (if she is going to college then she will make different friends anyway).
They will split up. (Highly likely as they are 16!)

The real question is - why does this bother you so much when your son isn’t bothered? Has it reminded you that there is a big gap between your son and the high achieving kids? Or is it just the normal mum reaction of not liking seeing your child be rejected?