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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH injured but DH stays silent

258 replies

jenbendy · 20/06/2021 17:11

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

OP posts:
secondspringing · 20/06/2021 19:53

I get you. MY Ex was like this. Never, ever had my back. I lost respect for him. Especially as he was so ranty - always gobbing off and ranting about people from the safety of his house/ car/ pub with mates. Just lost respect that he acted the big man in private but was so pathetic in real life.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 19:56

@momager1

maybe shady in the UK..but here in canada it is a recommendation and Every shift by law has a health and safety trained employee on duty. Not shady at all. it stops the burn instantly. It does not cause any harm, although it is a temp fix for sure
It's irrelevant what goes on in your restaurant in Canada. We have to follow U.K. advice, which is cold running water. There is also a trained first aider on site, and needs to be for legal reasons. PIL would not cover any claims if people got creative using vinegar and it caused an adverse reaction, where the guidelines are to use cold running water here. To advise people otherwise is unsafe, regardless of what works for you.
StrangeLookingParasite · 20/06/2021 19:58

I don't think there was any desire from the OP that he be loud mouthed or aggressive, but showing some concern would have been nice.
As it stands he appears to have been nearly completely indifferent.

And any time something super-hot has been served to me, plate, skillet or pan, the staff have warned me/us. It's entirely normal to warn the customer.

CatbellsQueen · 20/06/2021 19:58

This thread is horrible. If I was with my friend and she burnt herself like this then I'd look after her, and yes take it up with the restaurant if necessary and she was upset. The same way I would with my husband and it happened to him, and the same way he'd do that for me.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 19:58

[quote momager1]here is a UK link

www.birmingham.ac.uk/university/colleges/mds/news/2015/09/Vinegarshowntobeeffectiveagainstburnwoundsinfections.aspx[/quote]
I have seen it. It says DILUTE vinegar. And is still not the first aid recommended treatment for burns.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/06/2021 19:59

I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting.I also didn't feel backed up.
You weren't due a refund, so that's complete nonsense.
Your dh is an oddball, though. But presumably it isn't the first time he's acted like this?

CatbellsQueen · 20/06/2021 19:59

Seems like this thread quickly went one way and then it turned into a school like competition where posters couldn't wait to make out how big they are and how they could deal with it themselves. It's pathetic. No wonder the OP is upset.

UrAWizHarry · 20/06/2021 19:59

@momager1

maybe shady in the UK..but here in canada it is a recommendation and Every shift by law has a health and safety trained employee on duty. Not shady at all. it stops the burn instantly. It does not cause any harm, although it is a temp fix for sure
It's a recommendation to put ice on a burn in Canada?

Really?

Because that's a really stupid thing to do.

Even using Germolene is actually pretty daft, but this has been pointed out several times and it's clear the OP isn't listening to any advice about that.

Hoppinggreen · 20/06/2021 20:00

DH cares about me a lot and would have asked if I was ok/got me ice etc but wouldn’t have complained on my behalf as I am perfectly capable myself.
I would have been pissed off if he had actually

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 20:01

@momager1
These are the nhs first aid guidelines we have to follow: www.nhs.uk/conditions/burns-and-scalds/treatment/

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying that a first aider has to stick to correct training protocols and right now, vinegar, dilute or otherwise, doesn't feature as a treatment.

ImprobablePuffin · 20/06/2021 20:02

@CatbellsQueen

Seems like this thread quickly went one way and then it turned into a school like competition where posters couldn't wait to make out how big they are and how they could deal with it themselves. It's pathetic. No wonder the OP is upset.
Not at all but if you post in AIBU you should expect unfiltered responses and people are entitled to their opinions.
CatbellsQueen · 20/06/2021 20:04

Agree, but if one of the cool kids of Mumsnet had posted that OP then they wouldn't have had these responses.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/06/2021 20:05

"Also, and I'm not trying to be contrary, but you should have expected it to be hot. It's a pan. Fair play if it was a plate but it's served in a pan for a reason, it indicates it's straight from the oven."

Well, I wouldn't know this. I think this sounds quite dangerous and it's more than bad service. Maybe a complaint to whichever body regulates things like this? It's a health and safety issue.

momager1 · 20/06/2021 20:05

CandyLeBonBon I respect that. I was just telling you what we are trained in..thus me saying we are in Canada. And I do agree that germolene (whilst awesome...we have nothing like that here) should not be put on a fresh burn. We also use cold running water (never ice) but the vinegar really does immediately take the pain away (which all of us, restaurant workers or not, have experienced..be it at home or in a restaurant)

ineedaholidaynow · 20/06/2021 20:07

@mam0918 the staff weren't particularly helpful offering ice as that has probably caused more damage to OP's hand.

At the very least OP needs to contact the restaurant to advise them that their first aid advice needs to be changed (and remind them to tell customers not to touch hot items). Bearing in mind restaurants use all sorts of items to present food on these days, it might not always be obvious that something is straight out of the oven.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 20:07

@momager1

CandyLeBonBon I respect that. I was just telling you what we are trained in..thus me saying we are in Canada. And I do agree that germolene (whilst awesome...we have nothing like that here) should not be put on a fresh burn. We also use cold running water (never ice) but the vinegar really does immediately take the pain away (which all of us, restaurant workers or not, have experienced..be it at home or in a restaurant)
Diluted vinegar. Because pouring undiluted vinegar on a burn can be extremely painful.

Please be careful with your advice.

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2021 20:08

Oh no, not you again. Do you ever say anything nice to anyone? That's the thread done for me when the nasty ones arrive for a pile on.

Wow really? For saying he should have asked if you were ok and you should have realised the pan was hot? 😂

momager1 · 20/06/2021 20:14

UrAWizHarry NO NEVER ICE. I did not say ICE. Ice is a big no no .

ImprobablePuffin · 20/06/2021 20:15

@Bluntness100

Oh no, not you again. Do you ever say anything nice to anyone? That's the thread done for me when the nasty ones arrive for a pile on.

Wow really? For saying he should have asked if you were ok and you should have realised the pan was hot? 😂

I thought the same @Bluntness100 And for AIBU your comment was positively tame.
Beannag · 20/06/2021 20:15

I am disappointed in DH. He finds interactions so difficult but isn't a bad man. Just very very shy

Probably why he didn't say anything, he might have wanted to but it isn't easy if it's something you struggle with. Presumably he has been the same since you met him? You are upset he hasn't shown you more empathy, yet it doesn't seem you're being overly empathetic to how he struggles with interactions like this.

momager1 · 20/06/2021 20:16

hoping the ops pain has died down by now. Burns are nasty. I was just trying to be helpful according to our guidelines. I do respect that different countries / provinces etc have different guidelines.

momager1 · 20/06/2021 20:18

I am not commenting on her husband. That is between them. Personally my husband would have raised hell,, but as we do not know if the plate was an obvious hot plate (cast iron...sizzling etc) The server should ALWAYS tell people that the plate is hot. We do it with everything that has been in the oven regardless of whether it is stoneware or the very obvious sizzlers. Hope the OP is ok

Zhampagne · 20/06/2021 20:19

Literally not asking OP even once, even at home, if she is OK is not social anxiety or shyness. It is just shit. Sorry OP.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/06/2021 20:22

@momager1

hoping the ops pain has died down by now. Burns are nasty. I was just trying to be helpful according to our guidelines. I do respect that different countries / provinces etc have different guidelines.
What you choose to use as a home remedy is up to you. Water is the first line of treatment in the public domain, in the U.K. and in Canada as far as I'm aware, for first aid trained personnel. People take all sorts from these forums and suggesting vinegar (which is not even correct, it's a 5% solution of vinegar) is dangerous. Someone could try that and get it wrong because your advice is careless and dangerous.

I'm sorry to labour the point but without accurate information, your 'advice' can cause harm.

Anyway. Enough said. I don't wish to derail further.

SlipperyDippery · 20/06/2021 20:24

There’s 2 separate issues for me here:

  1. should OP’s DH have taken it up with the restaurant?
  2. should OP’s DH have shown concern for her?

I don’t think he should have necessarily taken it up with the restaurant and I’m not sure what outcome OP was after from the restaurant having read her posts.

However he definitely should be concerned that she is injured and should be making sure that she is ok and doesn’t need medical attention etc.

For what it’s worth, yes it should be obvious that pans served to the table are hot. But it also should be served with the warning of it being hot. I don’t think who’s at fault here for the burn is really the issue as I don’t think OP is saying she wants to bring a claim.