DH injured but DH stays silent

[jenbendy]

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

Did they record it in their accident book? I'd ring up and ask for a copy of their records. It's that that should be the record of what happened, not A&E.

Send them an email with one handed typing with a photo and a complaint, and ask how they propose to resolve the situation.

I don't really see what you expected your H to do about it all though. You're a competent adult who was handling it competently.

Sorry to hear that. So hurtful.
OP If your burn has caused a blister, you should seek medical attention

www.nhs.uk/conditions/burns-and-scalds/recovery/

It's not a case of wanting the big strong man to step in and save the day, it's expecting the person who is your partner to be upset and potentially annoyed by the carelessness of their action resulting in you being injured, I'd have expected the same from a female partner too.

OP my dh would have been exactly the same and I would be feeling the same way about it as you. Generally the fact that dh is so calm is good but sometimes I want to shout 'don't you care about anything enough to get angry?!'

I'm sorry about the burn, do keep an eye on how it is healing. They are not to be messed around with.

This thread is such a good example of how men can get away with behaving badly.

ImprobablePuffin

I don't think anyone is blaming OP for anything. But equally it wasn't her DH's fault either.
OP is saying it's agony and quite bad but not bad enough to get checked out even with a blister so it's difficult to tell what the actual situation is.

There's been at least 2 I think who've said something like "it's your fault".

There's naff all that can be done about a burn though once it's happened and cooled though, apart from protecting it from further tissue damage and infection. You should always cool a burn with cold running water for at least 10 minutes, and longer if still hot and burning sensation, and yes with ice if cold running water is not available. I've not come across this idea that ice causes burns to blister.

@HellHasNoFur

It's not a case of wanting the big strong man to step in and save the day, it's expecting the person who is your partner to be upset and potentially annoyed by the carelessness of their action resulting in you being injured, I'd have expected the same from a female partner too.

OP my dh would have been exactly the same and I would be feeling the same way about it as you. Generally the fact that dh is so calm is good but sometimes I want to shout 'don't you care about anything enough to get angry?!'

I'm sorry about the burn, do keep an eye on how it is healing. They are not to be messed around with.

But unless all these men had sudden personality transplants you knew they were the passive type before you married them. So I don't quite know what you're expecting. If you want a man who'll back you up, leave and find someone who has that personality.

@ineedaholidaynow yes, he definitely should have made sure she was OK.

But what I was saying is that if he isn't the sort of person to deal with confrontation, he wasn't going to do it now. People don't just change.

Op said herself, she played it down for the sake of her kids. Understandable. And he definitely should have asked if she was OK.

But the rest? Knowing she wanted a refund? Backing her up in her complaint when she was already doing it.

Why would he have sorted ice, when she had it under a tap. If she went off to sort it, how would he know what she wanted.

The comment I was replying to was about dealing with confrontation, not asking if she was OK.

I just think it's not great to say 'he is a man, a decent man would have stepped in' , not everyone is like that. You can't get with someone like that, then complain they don't step in.

@BessMarvin

ImprobablePuffin

I don't think anyone is blaming OP for anything. But equally it wasn't her DH's fault either.
OP is saying it's agony and quite bad but not bad enough to get checked out even with a blister so it's difficult to tell what the actual situation is.

There's been at least 2 I think who've said something like "it's your fault".

My mistake, I missed the posters saying 'it's your fault' Obviously it was an accident.

BTW, for future reference according to my first aid course, burns should be held under running water for 20 mins.

Thanks for all the replies. Cup of tea helps make everything better.

To clarify, it looked like a pretentious presentation pan not an actual 'from the oven one'. No need for the food to be served in it at all when I think of it. It happened so quickly I didn't process why it was in a pan? It was more a small pot, deep not thin. The handle was facing me so I had to turn it around.

There wasn't any over reaction. I wasn't dancing about shouting or anything I rushed to the toilet to cool it under water as it was clearly burned.

The germolene has worked a treat. It's like magic.

I am disappointed in DH. He finds interactions so difficult but isn't a bad man. Just very very shy.

Isn’t it obvious these pans are hot? He could have said are you ok, but honestly, of course it was hot.I think this was your error here op.

You were hurt and shocked and every adult involved was shit. I am sorry.

Is it worth buying this?

tinyurl.com/mdj3yt29

@IAmAWomanNotACis I am assuming if you have blisters on your hand it will be difficult to protect it

What confrontation?! The restaurant staff were not about to fight them...

Since when was confrontation only about physical confrontation?

This absolutely isn't the Ops fault. But she seems mad that he acted in a way she entirely knew he would.

As I keep saying, I don't think you can know someone and then get mad when they act in a way you know they will.

@Bluntness100

Isn’t it obvious these pans are hot? He could have said are you ok, but honestly, of course it was hot.I think this was your error here op.

Oh good here's another one

"I am disappointed in DH. He finds interactions so difficult but isn't a bad man. Just very very shy."

This sums up exactly what I was trying to say. You're disappointed in an innate character trait. That is not fair. He wasn't being an arsehole on purpose as you say yourself he finds interactions so difficult. And the fact you played it down he probably thought it was all ok. But you are literally being disappointed in who he is as a person even though you chose to be with someone painfully shy.

Has he always been like that? If so I'm not sure why you'd expect him to suddenly start being forceful?

What an almighty drip he is. Has your fanny dried up yet? Mine would if i was married to him

This sums up exactly what I was trying to say. You're disappointed in an innate character trait. That is not fair. He wasn't being an arsehole on purpose as you say yourself he finds interactions so difficult. And the fact you played it down he probably thought it was all ok. But you are literally being disappointed in who he is as a person even though you chose to be with someone painfully shy.

This is what I am trying to say, just worded so much more eloquently.

@Bluntness100

Isn’t it obvious these pans are hot? He could have said are you ok, but honestly, of course it was hot.I think this was your error here op.

Oh no, not you again. Do you ever say anything nice to anyone?

That's the thread done for me when the nasty ones arrive for a pile on.

Thank you to everyone else. Will be hiding this now.

You know what his personality is so why would you expect him to suddenly behave like a completely different person? Rightly or wrongly he obviously can't cope with confrontation. If you'd have taken care of it if it was the other way round why didn't you take care of it when it was this way round? Surely your hurting hand should have encouraged you to say something not put your off? How did you expect him to do to back you up when nothing you'd said had been disputed? I think you just expected your DH to do something you didn't actually want to do yourself.

It's horrible that you burnt your hand but it's not your DH's fault and you should be blaming the staff not making this all somehow his fault. I think you're just looking to take it out on someone.

I'd be contacting my local council Environmental Health dept. Restaurants can't cause a customer to be burned and then dismiss it. Very cheeky.

Get your hand checked if it's painful. Your DH's lack of empathy is probably the most difficult thing to sort so I hope he has some positive features.

He was probably quietly waiting for the drama to unfold. Well done on being ‘assertive’, that’ll teach them.

He could still show you he cares, OP, even if he is, as you say, very, very shy. If he didn't want to make a fuss in the restaurant he could have made things nicer for you when you got home, taken the time to let you know that he was concerned.

I don't understand many of the posters on here today, they sound dyspeptic and liverish. Best ignored.

Hope your hand is feeling better soon. I agree with PP that getting this logged in the accident book would be useful - as well as getting the restaurant to put in place a procedure for handling/handing over very hot dishes to patrons.