DH injured but DH stays silent

[jenbendy]

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

Don’t put ice or cream on a burn. Follow the NHS advice linked above by a few posters.

I would be absolutely horrified if my DH had made a fuss about this. I absolutely hate fuss of any description for any medical issues I have and would never complain. You obviously think your DH should have gone in all guns blazing so surely you need to talk to him about what you expect.

It's beyond me why some posters are jumping on the OP. Having a partner who acts like an extra child is just draining.

People have social anxiety, if I was in your DHs position I probably wouldn’t say anything either, even in yours is slope off to the toilets and not cause a fuss. That’s just how I am.
I’d be more upset that he hasn’t asked how you are since you got home.

They should have said it was hot. Any waitress knows that, even if it's a plate that isn't scorching you say "be careful, the plate is hot"
It might be obvious to some people but the general public (not aiming at OP) you have to assume are dim, and point it out to them

I would have expected him to at the very least say, are you ok, do you need anything? Because I would say that to a stranger!

The OP has failed entirely to follow basic medical advice to treat a burn. Posters are telling her this to try to stop her making it worse with more Germolene etc. That isn’t jumping on her. If it is blistering and not healing they are pointing out she should seek medical advice.

OP, I know you are leaving the thread.

Just wanted to say you are deeply disappointed in your DH. This latest incident is one of many which reinforces your disappointment. I am not sure what you can do beyond pushing it down yet again. I don't think he can change. Yet I don't know how you can respect him.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion the NHS website advices you got to A&E if you have blisters on your hand[/quote]
She very likely gave herself the blisters using ice so....

@DisorganisedOrganiser

The OP has failed entirely to follow basic medical advice to treat a burn. Posters are telling her this to try to stop her making it worse with more Germolene etc. That isn’t jumping on her. If it is blistering and not healing they are pointing out she should seek medical advice.

How have you managed to miss that OP isn't asking for advice for her burn? She's actually said that Germolene has worked a treat. I wouldn't use it myself but, it's worked for her.

What was glaringly obvious is the lack of care and concern about it from her husband.

I can see why you’re annoyed but you presumably knew he was passive when you married him.

Whether the restaurant were at fault or not, I think most people would be upset if their partner didn't show any concern or empathy when they're in pain.

jen You could talk to your DH later on about this. There's a very useful format that avoids the person you're speaking to feeling attacked and so going on the defensive; by basically speaking about how you feel when something happens. So it goes something like:
When you ... (name the behaviour in neutral terms)
I feel ...
In future I ask that you ...

So for example,
When I'm physically injured or vulnerable and you don't demonstrate that you care through words and/or actions
I feel ... (upset/hurt/angry/as if I don't matter to you)
In future I ask that, if I am hurt or ill, you ask how I am, and take whatever steps you can to look after me.

This might not appeal to you, but speaking to him is probably better than seething quietly.

Haven't RTFT but I'm genuinely unsure why you would expect your DH to do anything?
You were injured so need to formally complain, speak to manager etc

If DH burned himself would you have done the complaining?

You should also inform the restaurant that you don't put ice on burns as it can burn further!!

I'm not sure I hate it when someone backs someone up solely because they are related or partners. I would be a bit embarrassed that a cooked meal that came out in a pan and my partner might not only not realize it could be hot and gotten burnt but then blamed somebody else for it. It's like those McDonald's coffees that have caution contents may be hot. Really I would be embarrassed if someone was surprised by that.

Are you abit of a drama Queen and he kept his head down in embarrassment thinking oh no, here she goes again… ??

Why does your dh need to speak up for you?

I'm surprised the restaurant didn't undertake correct first aid or warn you the pan was hot op? They're usually pretty hot on first aid in restaurants these days. Fairly sure they have to write it in an accident book too in case of legal claims, for insurance purposes?

If your hadn't is blistered you need to go to A&E. Germoline isn't going to magically heal blisters either the burn is not bad enough to need to go to A&E, in which case I'm not sure why you've told us its blistered, or its blistered in which case you need to go to a&e/minor injuries

Your DH is shy. You know hes very very shy. Tbh I probably wouldn't have assumed a burn from a pan would need anything other than a run under cold water, so I'm not sure what benefit telling the staff would have been. A pan is going to be hot so I'd be a bit embarrassed to make a fuss, and tbh Id be furious if I came back from the toilet to find DP demanding the staff put it in the incident book

@pinkyredrose

It's beyond me why some posters are jumping on the OP. Having a partner who acts like an extra child is just draining.

In what way is he acting like an extra child?

sitting in the restaurant that i own in canada right now browsing musnet doing paperwork. We have two dishes that we serve in cast iron skillets. Whilst it is very obvious they are hot (sizzling in fact as they hit the table) our staff is trained to say " do not touch the skillet..very hot" however some guests think it is funny to lightly touch!!.. They should have DEFO told the OP to be careful HOT. Can I say one thing...germolene is great! we cannot get it here but as i am from belfast..my best friend mails me some on a regular basis...BUT...best thing to take the sting and heat out fast...is VINEGAR. trust me.

@momager1

sitting in the restaurant that i own in canada right now browsing musnet doing paperwork. We have two dishes that we serve in cast iron skillets. Whilst it is very obvious they are hot (sizzling in fact as they hit the table) our staff is trained to say " do not touch the skillet..very hot" however some guests think it is funny to lightly touch!!.. They should have DEFO told the OP to be careful HOT. Can I say one thing...germolene is great! we cannot get it here but as i am from belfast..my best friend mails me some on a regular basis...BUT...best thing to take the sting and heat out fast...is VINEGAR. trust me.

Advice in the U.K. is nothing other than cold running water. Especially at a restaurant where staff are not properly medically trained other than basic first aid. Very shady advice.

maybe shady in the UK..but here in canada it is a recommendation and Every shift by law has a health and safety trained employee on duty. Not shady at all. it stops the burn instantly. It does not cause any harm, although it is a temp fix for sure

He sounds hard work tbh. Has he always been like this?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion what's your point about the OP giving herself blisters, I'm assuming they recommend you go to A&E to check that there isn't any more damage and to protect the damage you have caused.

I would be embarrased if my DH made a huge deal out of something... but then I hate loud mouthed agressive people.

I would expect staff to be apologetic/helpful (they where according to your statement, supplying you ice and apologising) and DH to ask if Im ok but Im not really sure what magic soloution you are expecting... honestly sounds like your just after a free meal.

here is a UK link

www.birmingham.ac.uk/university/colleges/mds/news/2015/09/Vinegarshowntobeeffectiveagainstburnwoundsinfections.aspx